“However, my boy,” Goron Crusoe says, “that Delivery [Fannypack] of yours smells to me as if it might well be home to rare and unique items… If you have any curios that might be worthy of selling in a shop, might you trade them to me?” Christ, I GET IT. I came here specifically to trade with the guy. There is no need for the Side Quest Clue Bat.
Sam Walton was a Goron?
Twink fishes the Town Flower out of his non-stylish bag and hands it over to Goron Crusoe. The rock man takes a look, then produces a Sea Flower from his sack as a barter. The Sea Flower is roughly fifty times more fabulous than the stupid Town Flower, so Twink jumps on it. Of course, Goron Crusoe realizes the relative value of these plants, given that gaudy trumps plain all over the place around here, and demands a fee of 20 Rupees. Twink is annoyed, but pays up anyway, thinking he could at least plant some of these babies in his cabana garden. The DID describes the flora: “The scent of the sea wafts from the delicate petals of this flower from an exotic, far-off land.” New item for the boutique: Twink’s Essence of Sea Flower Cologne!
Goron Crusoe goes on to recite the same words that every merchant on the Great Sea will repeat for Twink’s benefit. “So, by trading your goods for my goods, you and I have formed a merchant’s oath. So, from this moment forward I shall honor our merchant’s oath by sending shipments of my product to the [NPC] Island Shop.” Twink senses some vague innuendo in these words, but ignores it. He now has enough man-meat where he can actually maintain some standards.
Stop #2 is Greatfish Isle. The exchange basically goes the same, except that this Goron Crusoe’s sob story relates how much he wants to find a Shop Guru Statue. This is apparently the coolest fucking thing in the universe, the way this guy is creaming himself over it. He is thus disappointed when all Twink has is the Sea Flower, but does offer as a trade an Exotic Flower, which looks a bit like a bulbous cactus with a lurid pink flower sticking out of the top. Since this item is, in turn, way tackier than the Sea Flower, it puts Twink out of 25 Rupees. But Twink can only imagine with delight the lovely bouquets he’ll be sending out to his boyfriends across the Great Sea.
No, that’s not a euphemism for anything.
Now Twink is off to Bomb Island, north of Phallus Haven. There is some vague music coming from the Dicku Tree’s abode, but if I were to follow it and get on with the plot now, I wouldn’t be able to pay Jeanne back for all the asinine side quests she made me do. Anyway, Twink trades with the Goron Crusoe here for a Sickle Moon Flag, which looks to be a holdover from the décor of Gerudo Valley and the Spirit Temple from Ocarina of Time. Which totally makes sense, given that the Gerudo and their land have been entirely wiped save one tubby, middle-aged megalomaniac. The Sickle Moon Flag costs Twink 40 Rupees, despite its downright tastefulness compared to the Exotic Flower. Clearly this Goron Crusoe has no sense of market demand.
Back on NPC Island, Eskimo Guy is beside himself at all this new stock for which he didn’t have to lift a finger. At the very least he is grateful to Twink for his hard work, and hands over the Eskimo Guy family heirloom and his most prized possession–“other than [his] hoodie coat, of course”–the Magic Armor. The Disembodied Item Describer and Eskimo Guy both make some effort to tell Twink what it does, but he is beyond giving a shit–it’s a honking huge amethyst with pretty designs in the center. Next time he goes to see Lenzo he’s wearing this thing and a smile.
This would be more than enough reward for Twink, but we are not done here. Twink returns to Greatfish Isle to trade the “fancy” Sickle Moon Flag for a Fountain Idol, which is basically a combo of Sue-Belle and the creepy pre-teen girl statues that summoned the Phallus of the Gods. Well, no sense in keeping something icky like that. Twink trades it to the Goron Crusoe back on Mother and Child Isles for a Big Sale Flag, a hideously ugly banner that would stick out for its cheap tackiness in a K-Mart Blue Light Sale. That goes back to the guy on Greatfish in exchange for a Postman Statue, a totem pole-esque Rito figurine, which Twink immediately trades back to that same merchant to get the Hero’s Flag. (The Hero’s Flag is not, as one would guess, an inverted, rainbow-striped triangle. Go figure.) This gets traded on Mother and Child Isles for the fabled Shop Guru Statue…a large gold-and-platinum trophy with a shiny likeness of Eskimo Guy grinning at the top, no doubt won from an obscure weightlifting competition in Ohio.
But where’s the $1000?
Naturally, Greatfish’s Goron Crusoe about dies on the spot at seeing such a marvelous trophy. With this he will command upmost respect from everyone! “Surely, this is none other than the legendary individual who reigns at the peak of the business world!” he says of the figure on the trophy. But certainly this thing existed before Eskimo Guy’s recent rise to NPC Island commercial success, so how is he already renowned enough to have a freaking trophy in his honor? Whatever, Goron Crusoe gives Twink a Piece of Ass and I don’t have to sail between Greatfish and Mother and Child Isles anymore, so I don’t care.
Now that I’ve bored you all to tears and possibly driven you to self-destructive activities like binge drinking and playing disc 2 of Xenogears, why don’t we get back to the story? Twink bails on Greatfish’s Goron Crusoe, who is still fawning over his penis enlargement model trophy, and sails to Gale Isle from the nearest point, NPC Island. The name of the island is a very subtle clue as to the nature of the next temple, for you sleuths in the audience. And as with Headstone Island and the Earth Temple, there is something blocking Twink from getting in. Again, it is a large stone head, but this one is blowing hurricane-level gusts out of a gaping blowjob mouth. Twink tries as hard as he can to reach this hunka hunka blowin’ rock, but despite his efforts Twink is still as light and delicate as the petals of an Exotic Flower, and no amount of heading into the wind gets him anywhere. This won’t do at all.
Sean is of no help on this problem, but Twink suddenly decides a little Earth Logic is in order: the last go-round he heard music coming from the Dragon Phallus, and the Earth Sage was the source of it. The item needed to get said sage into the Earth Temple was near the Dragon Phallus. Now, assuming the music coming from Phallus Haven was indeed coming from the Wind Sage, it stands to reason that the item needed to get inside the Wind Temple is near Phallus Haven. Also, Twink’s invisible controller knows where the thing is. But still. I’ve got to try and make something in this game make sense.
Yeah, so Twink sails west from Phallus Haven to Ice Ring Isle. Just as Fire Mountain spit out fire, a large dragon head in the center of this island is spewing out an icy blast. I wonder if there is some sort of magical item appropriate to use in this situation. Oh! I know!
Twink lets fly a fire arrow into the dragon’s mouth and with a hiss the air clears of the icy wind. According to a counter at the bottom of the screen Twink has five minutes to get inside and claim the relevant treasure. Like Fire Mountain, though, it’s not as easy as just walking inside. The surface of Ice Ring Isle is slippery, given that it’s made of ice, and anytime Twink comes to an unexpected stop or otherwise loses his footing in any way, he screams like a woman who just got grass stains on her Mary Janes. While this does make the trek amusing, it doesn’t help much when Twink actually slides off the ice and into the wang-shrinking cold water. But despite a couple setbacks he manages to enter the dragon’s mouth with a sufficient amount of time on the clock. Down the dragon’s deep throat Twink slides, finding himself in a small-on-the-outside, bigger-on-the-inside variety of dungeon. Our hero navigates various icy steps and slides, killing bats with his Boomerwang on the way, until he reaches a treasure chest in the mouth of a smaller icy dragon head.
Clearly this island with its constant ice and dragon motif is the perfect resting place for…the Iron Boots. Wait. No, that’s completely stupid. But for some reason the boots being linked to ice is a tradition in the newer Zelda games, so who am I to question it? I am, however, going to question the sense of style of whoever designed them. These are the clunkiest, ugliest-ass boots Twink has ever laid eyes on. Even he has a little too much taste to be wearing these monstrosities. And this is the kid with the pink-yellow-and-blue butterfly pendants, the golden Mardi Gras mask, and the leprechaun-green condom-shaped hat.
They may be hideous, but the Iron Boots are also the only means for Twink to get into the Wind Temple, so he’ll just have to deal with them and hope their clunky mass won’t sink Sean Connery to the bottom of the ocean. Not that that would really break Twink’s heart, but he does need to get around somehow. After the timer has stopped and Twink has plenty of time to fuck around, he puts on his new clodhoppers and enters a windy passage near the now-plundered treasure chest. In this sub-cave Twink discovers a shitload of buttraping enemies, all encased in blocks of ice. One at a time he thaws out the Moblins, Bokoblins, and Dicknuts and relieves them of their lives and shiny belongings. The reward for killing everything in the cave is an orange Rupee, which is probably less than what Twink pilfered from their individual corpses.
After nabbing a Treasure Chart from a chest on his way out, Twink is back to Gale Isle as fast as the bulk from his horrid new shoes will allow. He wastes no time in hopping out of Sean and putting the boots on to trudge up to the cave–after all, the sooner they go on the sooner they come off. The walk, given the necessary slowness of Twink’s pace, gives me long enough to realize the boots make Twink walk bow-legged. But I’m sure there are several male characters on the Great Sea who would see this as a positive thing. Several minutes later, Twink finally, finally makes it to the blowin’ head at the mouth of the cave, but by now he’s annoyed at having to look so unfashionable for its sake and sheds no tears while smashing it to bits with the Hammer of Recapper Revenge.
Inside things look very similar to the entrance to the Earth Temple. Single room, couple of torches, and a large slab with the Triforce symbol, a picture of a fiddle and a 6/4 song to learn. This particular melody, the Wind God’s Aria, is very uplifting and pretty and not at all reminiscent of technicolor frogs getting toasted on clouds.
Twink’s rendition of the Aria causes a reaction in the Triforce symbol, and a moment later a ghost appears in the room. Yeah, no need to worry about this sage–I’m sure he’s fine. The deceased Wind Sage is a blond Kokiri boy dressed in–oh my–a long, olive-green tunic and a tiny lap-apron, both with stylish designs on them. He also does not appear to be wearing any pants. Smiling coyly at Twink, he asks, “Are you the new hero?” Twink balks at him–it’s like looking in a mirror. A sexy mirror.
The Kokiri ghost introduces himself as Fado. I will be calling him Fabo due to his breathtaking levels of fabulous. “I know I appear to you as a child,” he says, “but the eyes can oft deceive. I am a most esteemed sage.” An esteemed sage that no one has ever heard of until now. Also, I thought Kokiri couldn’t leave their forest. Given that this Wind Temple is quite a long way from the Dicku Tree, I don’t think it was in the Dicku Tree’s realm. So how the hell did Fabo even get to be the sage here? Just add it to the pile of inconsistency that is the Earth and Wind Temples.
Fabo gives Twink the standard spiel about his duty as a sage to make the Masturbator Sword glow with divine penis power. Still grinning like Gremio in the McDohl bathhouse, Fabo adds, “But I was attacked by the evil Ganondorf…and this is what happened to me.” Seriously, the smile does not leave his face. Did he enjoy Ganondorf violating him? Does the Dicku Tree know about this?
“You wish to return the power to your blade, don’t you?” Fabo asks. Twink casts a glance toward his back where the Masturbator Sword is resting and nods. Like this is a question that needed careful consideration. Christ, why else would he be here? Oh. Wait. The hot Twink-on-clone!Twink action. Fabo sees that Twink is desperate for some young boy lovin’, and offers this advice: “In that case, look for the one who has the same instrument that I hold, and teach him the song you just played.” I should not need to tell you that the instrument in Fabo’s hands is the very same fiddle Makar played to his Dicku Daddy’s delight. Oh, but hang on, Fabo doesn’t have the testicle cherries hanging from his bow! Well, I guess Makar can’t be the right guy.