Once both the moon symbols have changed to sun symbols, the statue’s head transforms into a large, glowing, spinning sun. In case we didn’t quite catch the theme they were going for here with the light and stuff. Also, a stairway opens beneath the statue, leading down into the depths. We must be almost at the end of the dungeon, right? Right?
Down the stairs, through the door, and down another winding staircase, Twink finds himself at a bridge leading over a chasm. The only catch is the two skulls floating around like big jerks. Instead of flames, the skulls are surrounded by Estrogen Fog. Twink can already feel his skin crawling. His Strategy Chart tells him to blow the skull into the pit with his Dicku Shit, but whoever drew up the chart must be a descendant of the foolhardy scribe who lived long ago in ancient Hyrule. His name was Danondorf (no relation to our favorite portly villain), and he was infamous for his writings that held dastardly lies among the grains of truth. Those who followed his guidance were led astray, often to disgrace or even death. Anyway, despite the instructions of the Strategy Chart, the Estrogen Skulls float higher than the effective blowing range of the Dicku Shit, meaning that Twink has to use himself as cannon fodder to lure those fuckers to their doom.
On the other side of the bridge, Twink finds himself staring at a stone tablet exactly like the one at the entrance. After hitting himself repeatedly in the head with the Hammer of Recapper Revenge, he becomes brain damaged enough to feel proud when he solves this brainteaser.
I’m not sure why there is one of these tablets here, since it’s not like anyone could even get this far without having already proved they know the song. But whatever — the song is nice and relaxing to my frayed recapper nerves. Hey, you try recapping a Zelda dungeon.
The door wasn’t guarding anything spectacular — the next room is full of mirrors and light sensitive statues. Yes, we’re on a much lower level and we’re still getting light through the ceiling. Jesus. Before Twink dives into the exciting task of moving blocks and dissolving statues, he directs his shield’s money shot at a couple of ReDeads, causing them to vibrate wildly. HOTT. Finishing them off — in that way — he reflects the beam off the mirrors to reveal two extra doors. Blah, blah, block puzzle, access to a central door. I’ve blown my wad as far as describing these puzzles is concerned. And the alcohol is all the way downstairs.
One of the side doors leads to a room brimming with Estrogen Fog and Floor Masturbators — two of Twink’s favorite things! Even the smooth surface of his sexy shield can’t save him from certain sadness. And with no light at his disposal, he has no choice but to dive directly into the Pit of Estrogen. Shuddering at the sensation that his tight young bod is being fondled by dozens and dozens of chicks, he runs between series of pillars, avoiding the sticky, sweaty touch of the Floor Masturbators until he reaches an alcove with a small key. Yet he feels no sense of triumph — only of shame. The Estrogen Fog dissipates suddenly, but he can still feel its creepy touch. He’ll never be clean again.
Bad touch! Bad touch!
And the fun has only begun. Desperately trying to regain his sense of manliness, Twink hunts down all the Floor Masturbators one by one. All he has to show for his efforts is a lame treasure chart. That’s like getting a dollar for going on a date with Tidus. Fighting about twenty zillion Floor Masturbators in a row also made me realize that they sound exactly like Beavis as Cornholio whenever they spot Twink. I don’t know if that makes them funnier or more disturbing.
Heading back to the previous room, Twink enters the door in the opposite wall. And encounters more God damn Estrogen Fog. This is pissing him off. Just because he got his way and ended up with a shiny shield of his own doesn’t mean this dungeon can just jerk him around. With all these female hormones flooding his system, he’s going to grow an impressive rack before he even gets to the boss. And what of his penis?
Twink must run through the Estrogen Fog (again) and avoid the Floor Masturbators (again) in order to reach a mirror. Once he gets the requisite light shaft shining into the mirror, he’s back to the previous room where he enters the center and final door using his small key. Now he can reap the spectacular benefits of his mirror placement. I’m trying to spice this up in case you can’t tell. A large beam of light stretches horizontally across the room, waiting for Twink to bend it to his will. Which he does. Repeatedly.
Having made the light his bitch, Twink enters the room he revealed by knocking out his twelve billionth statue. Medli hasn’t really said much, but I imagine she’s rather ticked that he’s ruining the décor of her temple. It’s not like she brings in the big bucks as an attendant — does Twink think giant stone statues just grow on trees?
The next room is a set of hallways filled with upright coffins. Twink has to once again play the old “Rupee or Rapist?” game as he runs around popping all of them open. And this has nothing to do with the plot or dungeon progress, but I’d like to mention the miraculous event that occurred in here. Namely, I didn’t manage to get Twink’s skull split open with any of the falling coffin lids. Move over, Jesus, the new master is in the house.
Once the bats, ReDeads, and Bone Daddies have been cleared out, Twink brings Medli to the third and hopefully final musical pillar at the end of the hallway. This time when Twink conducts the Earth God’s Lyric, a dozen naked young men run out and sing the tune in four part harmony, just before engaging Twink in a sexy thirteen-way. Obviously I’m shitting you — it’s the same crap as last time. Pardon me for trying to inject a little bit of variety into this two hour long déjà vu fest.
PENIS!
The newly-revealed door leads to another twisting staircase leading down and ending at the interior of a tower. Or at least some other type of cylindrical pit. There are spiraling stairs leading to doorways at random intervals, as well as an entire wall covered with climbing vines. Unfortunately for everyone involved, Twink has been sneaking drinks of a special elixir he bought from the Chu Jelly Shop guy, so he’s pretty much wasted. This is the only explanation for his subsequent clumsy leap directly into the pit when he attempts to float with Medli to another landing. But that’s okay — there are plenty of Floor Masturbators to grope his man parts at the bottom of the pit. The dungeon just isn’t as compelling if you aren’t running away from some sort of molestation.
Medli flies and Twink climbs back up to the landing, where they make a successful attempt to reach the next doorway. Using our predictive skills that we’ve developed in the last couple of hours, we can pretty much assume that this room is going to be more of the same. And it sure is. In spades. Light, mirrors, dissolvable statues and walls, and some more Double-Ended Light Beam action await our two heroes in this large chamber, and they must once again use the Power of Teamwork™ to succeed. Skipping ahead a bit, Twink and Medli evenutally uncover a secret hallway leading to another room with some vertical coffins in a pit. Only this time, instead of popping open automatically, Twink must direct light onto each one to spring the lid. This is where Twink realizes the true meaning of the phrase “Be careful what you wish for” as he is now well and truly sick of his mirror shield and light in general. He yearns for darkness.
Obviously, the coffins contain more jizzlicking Bone Daddies. I don’t know if you can tell, but my patience is wearing a tiny bit thin. I hope you’ll forgive me for fudging a bit on the detail since I already described most of this shit along the way. Go ahead and complain that I rushed the ending of this dungeon, but don’t be surprised if I reach through the computer and rip your spinal cord out with my bare hands.
Defeating the final three Bone Daddies of the dungeon reveals…a motherfucking Treasure Chart. Good lord, I feel cheap and used like a ten dollar whore. I’m hoping the bald look is a good one for me because I’m about to tear my hair out.
Back in the Room of 10,000 Light Puzzles, Twink and Medli finish the rest of their pushing, pulling, prodding, and placing. To reuse an earlier puzzle tie the dungeon themes and puzzles together, once everything’s in place, they must direct dual light beams at yet another evil moon-eyed statue. You know, they could have just made me run around and around a circular room for two hours if they were so dead set on causing my death from repetition. They sure went through a lot of effort and trouble for something so simple. Wait, is Voldemort responsible for this dungeon?
PENIS!
We’ll just ignore how long the statue activation took me, due to the asstastic control scheme of the reflectors. When Twink and Medli transform the evil statue into an evil statue with sexy sunbeams coming out of its head, a series of panels slide open beneath it to reveal another door. And I fucked up with my footage taping somewhere in here, because one second Twink’s lifting Medli off her stone pedestal, and suddenly he’s grasping the Big Fucking Key in his hot little hand. I hope there wasn’t anything worth recapping in that missing footage. Pardon me while I die of laughter.
Twink leaves the hidden room and makes his way back into the deep shaft. The boss door is located in an alcove on the wall of the shaft, and Twink and Medli have to climb and fly, respectively, in order to get their asses to the right level of this fascinating room. Twink wishes he was dealing with any number of other shafts right now. And so do I, if you must know. Wait, TMI.
In a strange and fantastical turn of events, Twink and Medli manage to make it to the boss door in only one try. In my footage, Twink pauses for about a minute in front of the door. I can only assume he’s paralyzed from shock. At last, he leaves Medli behind in the alcove and sallies forth to do the man’s work. I hope Medli brought a magazine.
Loading ...As soon as Twink enters the boss chamber, he is greeted with a most magical sight. A slew of multicolored Poes run madly about the room, accompanied by a high-pitched rhythmic sound. Twink has discovered the Earth Temple’s Gay Ghost Disco! Suddenly, the repetitious horrors of the dungeon fade into the distance as Twink’s heart performs hot spasms of joy. He steps forward to join his homosexual brethren in their dance, thanking his lucky stars that he decided to leave Medli outside.
Fabulous!
Twink’s dream is soon crushed into dust as the Poes all turn as one and spot him, totally freaking out. Apparently, this is a Poe-only dance club. Those prejudiced assholes. They run together in the center of the room, turning transparent and jumping into a giant, round-cheeked white mask that forms in the middle of the air. Suddenly, the rest of the masked individual appears, sending Twink further into the Land of Broken Dreams. For this is Jalhalla, a huge, blue-green, obese Poe complete with manboobs (thankfully covered by a fabulous vest) and a white spiral symbol over his wee-wee. Jalhalla conjures a large, flaming lantern, laughing maniacally all the while. This is so we know that he’s a bad guy, since the boss chamber and the evil music didn’t tip us off.