While I was writing up that confused rant, Laruto had the good grace to disappear before Twink could ask her any questions about how and why fish evolve into birds when confronted with water. Shrugging, Twink heads back to Sean Connery to hunt down Laruto’s elusive and mysterious descendant.
Okay, so I already gave up that “surprise.” At Dragon Phallus Island, Twink spends more time navigating the labyrinth of the Rito caves than he does trying to figure out which character owns a harp. Finally, he discovers Medli out on an overlook, strumming random chords on the world’s loudest harp. Seriously, she’s all the way up here and you can hear that thing from the water. Twink grapple hooks over to her, interrupting her complicated song.
As expected, she’s thrilled that he hasn’t been done in by Ganondorf or his band of phallic monsters. “You know, Prince [Gollus]’s been asking me all about your adventures, Twink,” Medli innocently tells him. She goes on to say that Gollus has turned into quite the hunk of man meat. Er…Rito meat. I wonder if that tastes like chicken. Anyway, he’s so independent that he doesn’t need Medli holding his hand everywhere he goes. “…Every conversation still ends up centered on you, though, Twink,” she finishes. Let’s see…Prince Gollus goes through puberty, gets his wings, stops hanging out with his mother figure, and becomes obsessed with Twink? Someone’s out of the closet.
Switching the conversation away from Twink’s potential boyfriend, Medli informs Twink that playing the harp is one of her duties as an attendant. If she keeps practicing, why, she might even be able to play actual melodies instead of that wannabe autoharp stuff. Little does she know that Twink has an even more important job in mind for her. As Medli begins strumming away obliviously, Twink slides his white baton out of his pocket.
“Hey, is that the Wind Wa[n]ker?! Wow!” Medli squeals in girlish delight as she takes in its length. She asks if Twink will “conduct” her. She’s so naïve. But obviously Twink teaches her the Earth God’s Lyric. As Laruto predicted, this awakens Medli to her fate. In other words, Medli blacks out in Twink’s arms and wakes up in a dark void, not unlike the one in a game designer’s soul. Laruto appears in front of her, complete with synth choir and her harp with a golden face on it. Which is identical to Medli’s harp. I thought when she said the new sage owned that instrument, she was just talking about the basic type. The two of them stare at each other for a while, as Medli likely wonders about the logistics of fish-to-bird evolution. Laruto smoothly interrupts these thoughts by playing a verse of the Earth God’s Lyric. She disappears and then reappears right in front of Medli. That’s fucking creepy. Medli repeats the verse, hoping that the scary ghost fish doesn’t try to steal her soul.
Finally, the two of them play the tune together in unison while Laruto’s synth choir sings backup. Wait, if Medli has the real version and Laruto has the ghost version of the exact same harp, how can they play at the same time? Okay, not going to think about it. Brain hurting. Just then, a giant Triforce symbol starts glowing on the floor as the Masturbator Sword floats point up in the center. Medli closes her eyes, tripping. That’s some good stuff, man. Peeeeeeeeenis.
Back in the real world, Medli wakes up in Twink’s arms. I think it’s pretty safe to say that this won’t be a regular occurrence. She fills him in on her latest groovy trip, making sure to thank him for his magical Wind Wanking role in the whole thing. Now she knows that she is the sage of the Earth Temple. Actually, she says that she is a sage rather than the sage, but I don’t get the idea that there’s a whole group of sages hanging out in these places. Also: Earth Temple. Member of a winged race. Yes, that makes sense.
Medli’s happy that she’s one of the characters with an important role in saving the world rather than one of those really random NPC scrubs that just stands around repeating shit. She also suspects for some unexplained reason that her teacher — Gollus’s grandma, I’m assuming — knew all about this fantastic fate. And trained her in all the essential skills, no doubt. Like…praying and stuff. Medli can’t wait to get to the Earth Temple to begin the exciting job that she’ll hold for the rest of her life, away from all her friends and loved ones. Well, who is Twink to argue with that?
Twink and Medli suddenly spot Gollus and his impressive set of wings flying through the air above. The music turns to a mournful version of the Dragon Phallus theme as Medli suddenly decides that she wants to avoid an awkward goodbye scene with Gollus. Or else she doesn’t want him to slap her to death when he discovers her cuddling with his desired boy toy. “Oh, [Gollus]… I just want him to remember me as a simple attendant…” she sighs. Wait, is she supposed to be his surrogate mother or his (wannabe) ex-girlfriend? Getting some unhealthy vibes, here. Also, I don’t think he’ll be paying attention to you, lady.
It’s not like you have to worry that he’ll think of you as a girlfriend, if you follow me.
We don’t see Twink and Medli’s stealthy escape, but instead we cut to Gollus landing on the now-deserted overlook. He’s totally disappointed that his sexy Twink just disappeared into thin air without him noticing. The jerk. Meanwhile, Twink and Medli are both riding Sean Connery. Twink feels dirty for ditching out on some hot male interspecies action in order to hang out with a girl. Maybe he can placate Gollus with a Joy Pendant later.
On the way to the Earth Temple, Twink makes a quick stop at Southern Bizarro Fairy Island to get another bomb upgrade. Which he won’t really need since he’s a master at perfectly aiming and throwing bombs. Yeah, you got me.
It looks like an ass.
Back at Headstone Island, Twink and Medli are barely off the boat before Sean starts blabbing at the poor girl. Cripes, ease her into the obnoxious expositional sequences, you big asshead. Sometime since our last visit to the island, Sean Connery has magically deduced that the temple houses a big bad boss monster and that said monster is responsible for turning Laruto into worm food. This is a little bit different than Laruto’s version — she said Ganondorf took her out — so either Sean Connery has psychic powers or he’s played a few Zelda games before and is just hedging his bets. “It is a dark and frightening place,” he comments, as opposed to all those other dungeons that were full of happiness and kittens.
I just realized that these chicks are shaped like ass dildos. It all makes sense now.
Now that Sean has done his best to scare Medli stiff — not like that — he informs her that unlike that chick in Silent Hill 2 or Rinoa, she’s not just going to be a passive irritant along the way. Nope, she actually gets to help Twink using the Power of Teamwork™. Sean even makes sure to explain this to Medli in controller language. Obviously, I’ll skip over the majority of the button information for you guys, since you care about as much as Squall cares about Rinoa on disc 1. All you need to know is that Twink can call Medli to make her “follow closely behind him.” Needless to say, Twink’s not all that crazy about that particular command. Or, since he’s such a beefcake stud with his magical Two Bracelets of Power, he can lift Medli on top of his head and carry her. This has the added benefit of allowing Twink to glide using Medli’s wings should Twink jump off a ledge while holding her. Right there I think Medli just became more useful than any Final Fantasy female lead since…well, ever.
Also, Twink can use the Command Melody — the one he used to control the festive stone statues in the Phallus of the Gods — to control Medli. But I’m sure I won’t have to use it that often. “Twink, protect Medli. And Medli, protect Twink,” Sean finishes. I think we need an 80s power ballad here to underscore the Power of Teamwork™. Because I’m feeling all inspired and shit. I’m sure Twink would be a lot happier with this business if Medli were a sexy man, and his lukewarm bow in response to Medli’s enthusiastic one kind of backs me up there. But overall, he could really do a lot worse as far as partners. I’ll let you decide.
Loading ...The camera gives us an ominous shot of Twink and Medli entering the cave. Once inside, the two proceed directly to the stone pillar/door thingy where Twink makes a few sad attempts to conduct the Earth God’s Lyric. I’m not sure why he needs to be involved now that Medli knows the damn thing, but it’s not like she’ll go ahead and play it on her own so…Wind Wanker it is. Medli skips half of the song this time around, but the rock explodes anyway. And we’re in the Earth Temple. You might want to stop here, take a bathroom break, and grab a drink (in that order, please) before you come back, because this is one long fucking dungeon. And you know how much I like recapping every detail. So go on, go on. No, don’t worry, I’m not imagining you going to the bathroom. Perverts.
Whoa, that’s bizarre.
Ready now? Okay. A hole in the center of the floor leads down to the actual temple (even though the fancy text told me we were already in the temple. Lying little bitch.). I guess this means it’s consistent with the whole “Earth Temple is down in Hyrule” thing, although I don’t know how Twink could survive the jump if that were the case. The whole thing is covered up by a Black Screen of Deceit. And really, I don’t care. We’ve got bigger fish to fry.
Right off the bat, Twink has to use Medli for her wings to get to the door. I wonder if she feels cheap every time he does that. Or is she just pathetically glad for whatever little contact she can have with him? Oh, the tragedy. Before we go any further, I would just like to take a moment to talk about the music in this temple. For the most part the music in the dungeons has been atmospheric and appropriate. But for some odd reason, the composer heard the name “Earth Temple” and decided that it needed something inspirational, kind of like the type of instrumental music that plays at the end of a movie where the main character has learned the Important Lesson. So when I play through this dungeon, I don’t really feel like I should be creeped out or careful, but instead that I should be learning how to be a better person. And maybe dumping the guy that I thought was Mr. Right and falling in love with the guy who’s been right in front of me all this time, but I never noticed him! Oh, and the song has a random didgeridoo in it, too. Crack is yummy!