Sadly that’s about the extent of the swag around here, other than the Hammer of Recapper Revenge, seeing as Twink got it all on his first trip here. Jesus, Ganondorf, you could have restocked the bar chests while I was gone! Some host you are. The only thing he seems to have replenished is the enemy set, because one of the larger rooms in the center of the FFF is now the home of a new friend: the Floor Master. For those of you who haven’t memorized the names of all these random monsters, the Floor Master is a big black hand that sticks out of a black hole in the floor and enjoys grabbing Twink’s ass and dragging him back to previous rooms in the dungeon. Since it’s nothing but a big hand I simply have to call it the Floor Masturbator. I’m sure you understand. Giving the thing a juvenile nickname helps me cope with the fact that the one in this particular room grabs a pot from the wall and chucks it at Twink, knocking him into the water at the lowest level of the room. I need to laugh at the masturbation joke as I traverse the entire Forsaken Fucking Fortress over again up to this point. Heeeee. Hilarious.

Let’s just say that I make it uneventfully to where Maryll Sue is being kept, because really, other than the Floor Masturbator and a few more “strategically” placed spiky springboards, there’s nothing else to report. This place is boring as hell the second time around. Okay, so after smacking about six hundred more Shiggyblins between the horns, Twink uses the Hammer of Recapper Revenge to pound down one last spiky springboard, opening the door to Maryll Sue’s prison chamber. A quick swig of Granny’s Special Stew for courage, and he goes through the door. Twink looks around cautiously, wary of the Helmaroc Queen swooping in to bite him on the ass a second time. But the coast is clear! Maryll Sue looks extremely relieved to see Twink, which makes sense, given her two larger, scarier-looking cellmates. Poor thing was probably swapped around for cigarettes three times a day. Sadly, while Twink has mastered the winds, proven himself a hero worthy of the Masturbator Sword, and braved phallic tower after phallic tower, the small matter of the jail cell door being locked has left him at an impasse. Dammit, where is that small key?! Twink struggles amateurishly with the knob. Snerk.

‘Mrs. Seymour, put some clothes on!!’

But what of the Queen? I mean, Twink may be hot shit with all his fab new gear, but he’s done nothing to prevent the fruity fiend from coming in here to throw down. To answer this question, cue Tetra and her ass pirate cronies entering behind Twink. I do hope you read that in a dirty way. Tetra wastes no time in lecturing Twink, again, for acting before thinking, and explains, as Gonzo and Senza unlock the jail cell door, that she had to put herself, her ship and her crew in danger in order to lure the Helmaroc Queen away from his task of pecking Twink in the ass. Well, thanks, but Tetra? Twink is gay. Stalking him all over the Great Sea should have made that painfully clear. He is not going to fuck you.

Twink ignores her and watches as Gonzo and Senza get all sweaty in forcing the door open. Hot. With Twink’s back to her, Tetra notices his shiny new sword. “…That sword!” she guhs. “Where did you get that?!” As she’s saying this the Masturbator Sword is having an epileptic fit on Twink’s back. Or it’s jerking itself off. However you want to think about it. “Are you… Is it even possible…?” Tetra wonders. Then, with a shrug, she decides that there’s no way wimpy little Twink is a Hero of Old or anything. Obviously.

Well, with that bit of foreshadowhammering out of the way, Tetra decides they’ll grab the NPC Island girls–who’ll be worth quite the load of Rupees–and be on their way. And then the cell door is open, and Maryll Sue is standing there (with some seagulls!!!), and the music swells up like she and Twink are going to run into each other’s arms and kiss or something. Dude, even if Twink liked girls, that’s his little sister. Ick. Tetra interrupts this puke-fest to remind Twink that he’s got some other business to handle. Cue pan up the rest of this room, showing the sky where the Helmaroc Queen will be flying in momentarily to commence the boss battle. In the meantime, Tetra promises to deliver Maryll Sue safely back to Outset Island, and Gonzo flings the little girl over his shoulder as he strides out. Maryll Sue is yelling and crying because she’s scared, confused, and extremely clingy. But Twink just stares back at her with this totally baked look, like he’s leaving her in the care of the ass pirates so he can go toke up with Not!Wakka and his boyfriends.

Tetra follows Gonzo out the door, but turns back and says with a wink, “Twink! We’ll be back. I swear it!” Again, that’s nice of her, but why exactly does Twink need her to come back? He has his own boat, so it’s not like he needs a lift. And if he can’t defeat all the evil in this fucking place on his own, I somehow doubt Tetra is going to be of much help. Anyway, once she’s gone, Twink sees the Helmaroc Queen sweeping overhead, and not only does the door Tetra just left through close and bolt itself, but water starts seeping in from a convenient drain in the floor. Now, I’m not positive about the exact position of this room relative to the entire Forsaken Fucking Fortress, but I do know that the whole place is full of windows, cracks and general open air, and thus it seems highly unlikely that this room could possibly flood. But whatever, it adds tension to this otherwise boring and bland boss fight against a maniac gay bird thirty times Twink’s size.

And here’s the maniac gay bird now! For whatever damn reason, when the Helmaroc Queen flutters down, instead of grabbing Twink as before and throwing him halfway across the map, it just hovers there, staring at Twink with its yellow zombie eyes. But the sinister, melodramatic music! Clearly, young Twink is in mortal danger! Once I have control of Twink, he must run for his life up the handy spiraling path along the walls of this room. Every once in a while his progress is impeded by a Bokoblin bursting out of a pot, but Twink simply ignores these fools and moves on. This is actually important, because stopping to slay them, as I did the first time I played this game, costs valuable time. And in this particular battle, when Twink stops to lollygag on the platforms, the Helmaroc Queen comes along and destroys whatever he’s standing on. Meaning that instead of running to the top of the tower, it becomes necessary to swing to the top on Twink’s grappling hook. I don’t think I need to tell you that this is a huge pain in the ass. But it can be avoided by running and not stopping until Twink reaches the top. This message is brought to you by the Council of VGR Visitors Who Think This Is Fucking GameFAQs.

At the very top of the path, the Helmaroc Queen has had enough of smashing wooden planks, and decides the best way to off Twink is to perch on the platform and lower its head so that it’s within Twink’s striking range. Freaking brilliant. Whipping out the Hammer of Recapper Revenge, Twink pounds it down with extreme pleasure on the Helmaroc Queen’s helmeted head. Shards of the mask fly everywhere–though it’s not completely broken–and the Queen screams in overacted pain before falling queenishly into the water below.

Molting? So not attractive.

Twink crawls out onto the roof of the tower, stunned that the Queen went down so easily. (Twink didn’t even need to get it drunk! Ba-dum ching!) But we all know it’s not going to end like that. We can now see that the tower has a swanky retractable roof, and natch, right before it completely closes–one could ask who decided to close it in the first place, but it’s a minor detail–the Helmaroc Queen comes spinning out, feathers fabulously flying everywhere. Uh-oh. Bitch is pissed now.

So we’ve had clues before that the Helmaroc Queen is not the smartest freaky mutant bird on the block, judging from its amazing bounty of three pointy-eared girls from the entire Great Sea. But just in case we were still under the delusion that the Queen might have more than three brain cells to rub together, we’re presented with this boss battle. The Queen’s stupendous (i.e., stupid) plan of attack is to waddle around like a pregnant penguin after Twink, and to peck at him. But lo, if it misses in its attempt, its beak gets stuck in the concrete, and as the Queen struggles to yank its beak out, it unfortunately gets a dose of the Hammer of Recapper Revenge. This game plan foiled, the Helmaroc Queen proceeds to shriek, fly around for about ten seconds, and do it all over again. Dumbass. This goes on in its pathetic way until, after the fifth hit from Twink’s blunt instrument of pain, the mask breaks off completely. Underneath the festive Mardi Gras mask is revealed a…chicken head. With a wobbly, penis-shaped crown and everything. Yes, the Helmaroc Queen appears to be a mutant rooster. If you will, a cock. Also, its eyes are red, so apparently the glowing yellow ones from before were just a cheap trick from the mask. I feel so disillusioned.

Meet the Helmacock Queen.

If the Helmacock Queen wasn’t pissed off before, it sure as hell is now, losing that fantastic headgear. Yet it still sticks with its ridiculous stick-beak-in-floor attacks and waddling around, albeit with more raw anger than before. A few more assorted stabs, slams and pokes with various weapons, and the Helmacock Queen is no more. It flails around like a huge drama queen, with every spotlight of the Forsaken Fucking Fortress upon it, and stages a big feathery explosion. Out of the smoky cloud falls a Heart Container, along with a business card from the Queen’s talent agency. Yeah, right. Pass.

And now the way to Ganondorf’s love nest is open. Twink notes with a smirk as he reaches his enemy’s doorstep that the fatty seems to have become a witch doctor or some damn thing since his last reign of terror, as the whole place is decorated with skulls and tribal symbols and stuff. Or he’s one of those teenage girls who thinks that stuff is just kewlies. At any rate, Twink would offer his services as an interior decorator, except for that thing about killing Ganondorf with the blade of evil’s bane. Maybe later, though.

…Yeeeeah.

Inside the love nest, obviously Twink’s nemesis is waiting for him. I’m talking about Ganondorf, not some horny girl. With his back to Twink, Ganondorf lets loose with the usual “You have done well to make it this far” evil guy monologuing. As he turns around to face Twink, he says, “My name is Ganondorf… And I am the master of Forsaken [Fucking] Fortress.” Okay, for one thing, so now he’s GanonDORF again, and not Ganon? Way to go, writers. For another, at this moment of “reveal,” Twink chirps in surprise and fear and almost jumps backward. Well, son, who the hell did you think would be in here?

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After a moment Twink recovers his composure and readies the Masturbator Sword. Ganondorf only smiles at the little cracker. “By the way, boy… When you drew that sword of yours out of its pedestal…” he says in an oily voice (I imagine, anyway), “Did you by chance notice how all of the monsters frozen in time down there suddenly began stirring again?” Shit, I don’t know how he could not notice, given that he had to kill every last one of them to get out. Twink stares at Ganondorf in shock and then glances down at the Masturbator Sword, clearly realizing what he’s done. “Do you understand precisely what that means?” Ganondorf asks. “…I highly doubt that you do.” Except it’s obvious that he does know. We know. Dogs know.

Nonetheless, Ganondorf is going to explain it to us. “Foolish child. While that sword is indeed the blade of evil’s bane, at the same time, it has long played another role… You see, it is also a sort of key…a most wretched little key that has kept the seal on me and my magic intact!” And then, the extra bit of obvious: “By withdrawing that blade, you have broken that seal…” Seriously, thanks for clearing that up. But also, this makes no sense at all. So the Masturbator Sword kept Ganondorf and his magic sealed up. Okay. But before it had been removed, he had already revived a bunch of his minions and his freaky parrot, destroyed a whole island, and put a curse on the entire freaking ocean. Does that sound like the work of a guy who figuratively had his hands tied behind his back? Doesn’t to me.

ANY-way. Twink lets all this soak in, makes a mental note to take a hatchet to Sean Connery later, and then makes a rash decision to lunge at Ganondorf with the Masturbator Sword anyway. He strikes with all his pipecleaner-armed might, but the sword does a whole lot of nothing to Ganondorf, who really needs to wipe that goddamned smarmy grin off his face already. With one swipe of his own sword–a fucking katana, for the love of God–he knocks Twink across the room, and holds our hero at swordpoint, so he can talk some more.

“You cannot defeat me with a blade that does not sparkle with the power to repel evil! What you hold is useless.” If I’m interpreting this correctly, Ganondorf just told Twink that his Masturbator Sword is not gay and fabulous enough to defeat him. But Twink merely holding it should give it that extra zing!

Okay, so the Masturbator Sword is lame and Twink is about to die. Cue dramatic rescue attempt! And like clockwork, just as Ganondorf is ready to lower his much more amazing and incredible sword upon Twink–bamp chicka bow wow chicka–Tetra appears in the doorway and immediately lunges at the mean old fatty child molester. I’m sure if this scene had been written by some God awful Mary Sue fanfic writer–I’m not referring to anyone in the Zelda fandom or anything–Tetra would use her tae kwon do on Ganondorf for a few minutes and then blast him apart with the power of her light aura, and then she and Twink would have sex right then and there on Ganondorf’s shag carpet. But that’s not what happens. Instead, Ganondorf grabs her by the throat and holds her squirming in the air. And this would be where the real Mary Sue stuff comes in.