In this incarnation, the Dicknut’s impenetrable armor is held on by a set of conspicuous red straps in the back. Slicing these causes the armor to fall off — if only clothing removal was that quick and easy for Twink’s boyfriends! I mean, Twink practically has to grease Big Gay Beedle up to get those tight shorts off of him. Anyway, after the armor removal, Twink slashes and parry attacks madly until the Dicknut loses its sword and/or shield and/or helmet. If the Dicknut hasn’t thrust into Twink enough to kill the poor lad by this point — and that’s a huge if, if you suck like me — then it’s victory!

Taking on a single Dicknut takes some effort, but isn’t really that difficult. Twink can even use the Dicknut’s sword if he gets it away from the jerk. Unfortunately, Twink’s small frame isn’t built to handle such massive equipment. Learn to love what you have, Twink. With this Dicknut down for the count, a treasure chest appears in the center of the chamber. Man, that had better not be a yellow rupee.

Nope, it’s the bow! Gosh, how coincidental that this is the first dungeon with shootable eyes and it’s also the dungeon where you get the bow. Of course I shouldn’t give the game designers too much crap, since it’s not like they’re marketing the dungeon treasures as a huge freaking plot twist.

Twink leaves the room and notices a gigantic eye on the wall in front of him. Rocket scientist that he is, Twink shoots it with his new weapon. He also uses it to take out the reappearing flamer skulls, but we’ll just gloss over how many arrows I wasted trying to hit those fuckers. A set of moving platforms emerges from the wall, allowing Twink to bring his second sex slave statue across the gap.

As he approaches the exit, one of the previously inanimate Armos statues comes to life, hopping toward Twink like a rabbit with ADD and grunting in a very “I’m going to rape you” type of manner. Twink uses his new bow to shoot the penis-shaped Armhos in its single eye then sticks his sword into the weak spot in its ass. After he dispatches the Armhos, he lights up a cigarette before carrying the non-rapist statue into the central room.

The statue hops into place, the penis pedestal grows to its full length, and the final door opens. I don’t know about you, but I am just all aflutter with excitement. What possible adventure is in store for Twink through that portal? Again, I’m just trying to make this interesting. Actually, Twink takes a quick side trip to the original one-eye room in order to retrieve the absolutely essential Treasure Chart hidden in this ancient tower. Then he heads back through the east door on the second floor to get another hidden treasure. I only bother to mention this side trip because this marks Twink’s first encounter with a Wizzrobe.

Yet another holdover from previous Zelda games, Wizzrobes are extraordinarily mofoing annoying wizards who like to shoot flaming balls from the ends of their staffs while disappearing and reappearing somewhere else. Obviously they fit right into the theme of this game. Wind Wanker ups the creepy quotient by giving them a high-pitched Psycho-stabbing sound effect as well as a laugh that sounds like a pedophilic Kefka. These guys show up way more often than they should, so I figured I may as well give you a thorough description. Sweet dreams.

And speaking of more disturbing monster designs, Twink runs into his first pair of Armhos Knights in this optional treasure room. These guys are like Armhos on steroids, with porn star mustaches and mouths that occasionally open up into full blowjob position. They grunt and groan over Twink as well, and only a well-placed bomb in the gullet will get rid of them. Although the horrible memories will always linger.

For all his efforts, Twink receives a motherfucking Joy Pendant. Christ in a coffee can. Twink is now officially sick of fucking around in order to get shit for treasure. Screw you, Phallus of the Gods. Back to the quest to retrieve the final stone dildo statue.

This God damn time, Twink finds himself in a room with two circular platforms suspended by chains over the water. These platforms act as scales, meaning that Twink’s massive weight causes the one he’s standing on to sink while the other one rises. He must use the objects in the room as well as his wits to find a way to counterbalance his bulk. But first, he needs to take a side trip in order to retrieve a necessary item.

The side room where this occurs was designed specifically to piss me off. A combination of flamer skulls, numerous moving platforms over a gaping pit, and eye arrow targets manage to exploit every single one of my weaknesses as a Zelda gamer. At this point, you may be wondering what isn’t my weakness in this game. Well, let me tell you — I’m really good at hitting the sword button many times in a row. Any monster that stands still directly in front of me is in for the ass-kicking of its life. So there.

Twink retrieves a small key and, through even more masochistic maneuvering, another stupid cocksucking Joy Pendant. I obviously lied when I said Twink was giving up on the optional crap. I hate myself too much for that.

Back in the balancing scale room, Twink uses the only movable objects in the room to counterbalance his weight — Armhos statues. Since Twink is such a freaking lardass, it takes two of the stone statues — each bigger than Twink himself — to hold the scale so that he can cross.

The third and (thankfully) final dildo statue is guarded by a series of laser beams. Twink glides over them by jumping off a conveniently-placed block with his Dicku shit. After a small make-out session with the impressively-horned statue (see the picture), Twink uses the statue to shut off the beam generator, allowing him to pass through without being nonconsensually penetrated by the lasers.

Twink must add an Armhos to the scale to allow this extra weight to pass. Since the room was magically reset by the Dungeon Wizard since Twink was in there a minute ago, Twink must repeat the action of throwing all of the statues onto the damn scale. I’m so glad when I get to set up puzzles repeatedly — especially when it was so much fun the first time.

When the final statue ascends its penis pedestal, a rather arousing (to Twink) thing happens. A triangular shape protrudes from the midsection of each of the dildo statues, and from it, a shot of white blasts out. This jizz beam causes a larger vertical jizz beam to emerge from the center pedestal. The power of the man statue juice allows Twink to transport to the next level of the penis. He is getting closer and closer to the tip.

The dungeon’s fourteen millionth statue placement puzzle opens up the way to the Big Key chest. Even Twink is starting to tire of lifting and carrying phallic objects, and that’s saying something. The single door in this room leads outside to a staircase that winds around the Phallus. As always, the game designers stuck their default outdoor monsters, the Kargaroc Princesses, out here to harass Twink. In addition, some blue Creamos line the edge of the staircase. These are different from the regular Creamos, in that they only shoot their stream in one direction and Twink can shoot an arrow into their, um, beam hole to destroy them. Yeowch. Sympathy pains from Twink, here.

The staircase ends at a rather enigmatic door with a Big Lock. Now only one thing stands between Twink and the end of this obnoxious dungeon. Let’s go see what it is, shall we? In the boss room, a set of strange carvings sticking out of the wall is obscured by a text box addressing Twink. The disembodied voice is all, “Yeah, sorry that dungeon blew so much ass, but good job on finishing it and everything.” There’s some more stuff about “chosen one” and “final challenge” which is fancy talk for “obligatory boss battle.”

The carvings on the wall begin to glow ominously as two stone hands and a head pop out, descending to hover in front of Twink. The hands each have a single eye in the center, and the head has a Statue of Liberty crown, two glowing red eyes, and a huge nose complete with gaping nostrils. My heart sinks into my stomach over the similarity of this dude to Boonga-Boonga or whatever that shithead’s name was from Ocarina of Time. God damn, I hated that fucker. Plus, its face looked like an infected penis.

But this dude, Gohdan, is a little easier, as Twink is not bouncing atop a giant drum during the battle. Twink must immobilize the hands by shooting them in their eyes in quick succession. I make it sound so easy. Then, while dodging the flaming beam shooting out of the head, Twink has to shoot each of the eyes. This causes Gohdan’s head to drop to the ground and, like the Armhos Knights, go into full blowjob position. Instead of his wiener, Twink shoves a bomb in there. Lather, rinse, repeat three times, and that’s all she wrote. Of course, I’m leaving out the important stuff like when the hands roar back to life before Twink’s done doing all that shit and try to molest him in bad ways. Then there’s the electrified floor around the edges of the room where I end up an inordinate number of times. The only saving grace is that Gohdan isn’t too much of a dickhole, so he sneezes arrows out of his enormous schnoz whenever Twink runs out. Maybe Twink will have to thank him in his own special way after this test is over.

Eventually, Twink flails around with his various weapons enough to please Gohdan. After breaking out with the “chosen one” talk some more (this guy sure knows how to make a Twink feel special!), Gohdan announces, “What will now come to pass is tied to your fate — to the path that you have chosen.” Uh, okay. I think he just told Twink that his choices will affect his future. Like, DURR and stuff. “Go forward with caution,” he Engrishes. After summoning yet another white beam, Gohdan retreats back into his wall and sneezes out a Heart Container for Twink. The 12-year-old horny male part of me wishes that Gohdan’s nose wasn’t so obviously a nose. Because shooting stuff out of body parts is funnier when you can pretend they’re wangs.

After the Disembodied Item Describer informs me that heart containers increase my number of hearts by one, Twink walks into the sparkly jizz portal that whisks him to Tingle Island. Okay, not really, but it does take him to the very tip of the Phallus of the Gods. There is a bell on the end of the penis, and Twink knows that he must operate it a certain way to make stuff happen. Oddly, this involves using the grappling hook. Twink wraps his legs around the rope, moving back and forth as the bell tolls its message of orgasmic joy to all of Hyrule.

While Twink works the bell over real good, the camera pans down the length of the Phallus shaft yet again, because seriously, we didn’t quite get that it’s a massively tall penis. Everyone together now — PENIS! In the center of the scrotal area, on the surface of the water, a yellow glowing circle appears. Sean Connery shoots out of the base of the Phallus, making a beeline for this ring, as Twink eagerly rides him. Obviously the game designers did a quick cut shot here, since there’s no way that Twink would have made it back to the scrotum in the two seconds since the bell stopped ringing. Even with the existence of the magic portal, he’s not that quick. Sean Connery appreciates this.

Sean Connery compliments Twink, mentioning that, “It would seem the gods have acknowledged you to be a true hero.” Or maybe they just think his outfit is cute. Unfortunately for Twink, Sean informs him that the Phallus of the Gods isn’t the only fucking annoying thing he has to do during the footage I taped. “Once you take your first step into the world beyond the ring of light you see shimmering in the waves before you…” Sean begins gaily, “Your true trial will begin.” Aw, God damn it.

Sean does what any right-thinking RPG character would do when faced with a mysteriously appearing ring of light — he enters it. In that way. The next scene shows Sean Connery sinking slowly underwater in a column of light, Twink still on his back. Though Twink can’t swim for two seconds without hacking and choking like he’s giving an amateur blowjob, he manages to look around underwater for a while before coughing slightly. Whatever, Twink.