When Twink shows his pictograph masterpiece to the gossipy ladies, they decide that there’s no possible way that Lenzo is banging that fugly chick. Through his pictography skills, Twink has taught them the value of not gossiping about people or some shit like that, so now everyone is a better person. Twink doesn’t give a crap — he just wants his swag. One of the ladies invites Twink to stick out his hand. Uh-oh, Twink! He doesn’t want to end up with some saggy, wrinkled boob in his hand. Luckily for him, it’s something long and cylindrical — another Treasure Chart! Twink’s just glad he didn’t have to get any old lady sugar.

Only one more stop in Twink’s NPC Island Adventures — Mrs. Seymour’s classroom of underage lovin’. Twink unloads his stash of Joy Pendants on her. He’s not happy about giving up any part of his jewelry collection, but maybe if he keeps her occupied, she won’t capture him and keep him as her love slave. Only Big Gay Beedle’s allowed to do that. Or maybe Lenzo. Or Tingle. Oh hell, anyone with a wang. Mrs. Seymour gets a bit too excited over this gift, shrilling, “My whole body is numb with the thrill of excitement! …So this is what pure joy feels like!” Ew. Twink wants to leave her alone with these feelings, but Mrs. Seymour has a present for him. Holy crap, it’s a Cabana Deed. See, Mrs. Seymour owns a cabana out in the middle of nowhere, but now that she’s set up her meat market on NPC Island, she doesn’t have much use for an isolated shack. Twink is speechless — this pervy lady just gave him his very own freaking love nest. Sure, it’s located out in the endless fucking ocean, but come on — he can throw all the men-only parties he wants, anytime. Why, he could probably fit all his boyfriends on the cabana island at once. He would totally kiss Mrs. Seymour if she weren’t female.

Mrs. Seymour warns Twink not to lose this deed, like he’s ever going to let the damn thing out of his sight — he’d sooner chuck the Wind Wanker. Mrs. Seymour’s final warning is to keep the love nest a secret. Obviously he’s not going to tell anyone who doesn’t need to know — he doesn’t want Tetra or Loserboy crashing his parties.

With this ultimate in prizes tucked securely away in his sack, Twink decides his time on NPC Island is finished for now. Back to the penis! Let me narrow that down a bit — back to the Phallus of the Gods! The bad news is I totally fucking forgot to mark it on Twink’s map. The good news is it’s pretty damn hard to miss a gigantic Mr. Winky sticking up out of the ocean. Twink makes it back in a jiffy. And by “a jiffy,” I mean “another interval of boring-ass sea travel.” Finally, Twink directs Sean Connery into the scrotum of the monument where the entrance to the phallus is located.

Inside the Phallus of the Gods, we get our obligatory area pan so that we know how much ass this dungeon will suck. In this case, the verdict is “quite a bit.” I’ll say right off the bat that the Phallus of the Gods is a less irritating dungeon than the Forsaken Fortress, but that’s like saying getting raped in the butt with a bumpy dildo is less irritating than getting raped in the butt with a hedgehog. The Phallus has several gimmicks, depending upon which floor you’re on. Let’s begin at the beginning, shall we?

Because this tower is located directly in the ocean, some seawater has accumulated inside. The giant mouth spewing water across from the entrance doesn’t help either. The really awesome part is that the water level rises and falls all throughout the bottom floor — in all the rooms as well as the entrance chamber. This adds an extra level of excitement when attempting to solve the multitude of obligatory puzzles.

First, Sean has to use his phallic cannon to blow up some cracked walls — don’t get excited, game designers; I’m not talking about your kind of crack. I have seven bombs left after the Jabun debacle, thanks to my awesome abilities with the penis cannon, but I still manage to hit the ginormous targets without running out of bombs. On a dry area outside the first inner room, we get our first taste of this dungeon’s theme — hard things. And by that, I mean vaguely phallic statues. Basically, Twink has to put statues in all the right places in order to move forward. In this case, Twink moves a statue a little bigger than himself — called an Armos, for Zelda veterans that care — onto a glowing pedestal to make the door open. Don’t worry, I’m not going to describe every puzzle in that much detail. Just most of them. Get back here.

Inside the room, Twink gets attacked by an electrically charged Chu that is the color of urine. Given its proper name, its attack type, and its color, I have no choice but to refer to it as PeeKaChu. After vanquishing the PeeKaChu, Twink discovers that a strategically placed drain allows him to work with the changing water levels in here as well. Hooray! This causes him to take about three times as long to place a box on a switch and cross the resulting bridge that only appears when the water level lowers. Twink retrieves what looks like a giant stone buttplug (with glowing symbols on it — kinky!) and places it in a pedestal outside the room. This opens a gate to another part of the floor.

The next room allows Twink to work with my three favorite things — changing water levels, PeeKaChus, and throwing bombs with accurate timing. Five hours later, Twink has every treasure in the room, from the Dungeon Map to the pointless green rupees. I feel like an ultra-super gamer now. Maybe I can finally get laid in spite of my small penis.

At the end of the formerly gated-off waterway, Twink gets to solve the most irritating puzzle yet! This one involves more boxes, to Twink’s dismay. He’s not into boxes, if you follow me. He spents an inordinate amount of time maneuvering said boxes into place so that he can cross the water with some flaming wood. That’s better. By now you might have noticed some irritation on my part with this dungeon — I realize I’m being rather enigmatic, so I won’t be pissed off if you didn’t manage to catch that. All that effort nets Twink a measly small key as well as a buttload of PeeKaChus. I might as well note that in this dungeon, solving puzzles is often met with a reward of more fucking monsters. Thanks a lot, Nintendo. Assholes.

The next room has three things of note: a flaming skull (Twink is jealous), the Comp-Ass, and a single giant eye embedded into the wall. Twink takes the one-eye carving as a shout-out to his penis preference, but those of us who have played Zelda games before realize that this is one of those eyes that you have to shoot with an arrow. It’s such a mystery what this dungeon’s treasure will be. Since Twink has no projectile weapons at the moment (not counting any that he may have been born with), he’ll just have to irritatingly retrace his steps later.

In the last room on the first floor, Twink finds his second buttplug statue to stick in the second plug-shaped hole outside. I think Twink likes this dungeon a lot more than I do. With the buttplugs firmly in place, the giant water-spewing mouth closes, allowing access to the room in the center of the floor.

This particular room holds our very first Beamos of Wind Wanker. For non-veterans of the series, I will explain. Beamos are phallic statues that have a single rotating eye. When this eye spots Twink, a harmful beam spurts out of it, following Twink until he’s out of range. Obviously, a better name for these enemies would be Creamos. Seriously, I don’t think I could make up a more inappropriate monster if I tried. Actually, I’m going to try anyway. Check out the poll.

Twink solves another statue placement puzzle in order to activate a series of elevators to the next level of the penis. And if there’s anything I love more than tedious puzzles, it’s definitely puzzles that involve jumping on moving platforms. To show how much I love them, I make Twink jump directly into the pit. On purpose. Not because I suck harder than a Squall blow job. Then, I make Twink run right into the side of the platform to express my love some more. After that, I cry tears of much joy.

The next room, on the second floor, is a central hub with four doors leading off of it and a rather impressive pedestal in the middle. Apart from the door I came through, only one door is open and unbarred. Give me a moment to solve this excruciating dilemma. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but after several days of Myst IV, this dungeon seems like it was designed by a retard.

Heading through the east doorway, Twink makes his way across another room of moving platforms until he finds himself in a room with a fabulous iridescent platform floating over the stone floor. After taking a moment to admire its glowing beauty, Twink crosses the room to find a statue on yet another phallic pedestal. Yes, every pedestal in this dungeon is phallic. I’m going to describe them anyway. There’s a stone tablet on the floor in front of the pedestal, with a message on it from the statue — essentially, “Press the R button and I’ll be your bitch.” Jackpot! Soon, Twink has a festive statue hopping along behind him.

Twink pauses briefly to entertain fantasies about his new inanimate companion — does he have any other protrusions besides those curving horns? Is he a pleasure model? First things first — Twink must get the statue back to the central room. To do this, he must let it follow him underneath the shiny platform, as said platform is too low to allow him to carry the glorified dildo. Once past the platform, Twink just carries the statue back to the room. Thrilling.

Twink watches with sadness as his new friend hops quickly away to stand on a circular shape on the ground. Yet another penisy platform rises up on the spot, as the statue is bathed in light from the tip. This event causes a stone tablet to emerge from the central pedestal. Twink examines it to find another God damn Wind Wanker song — this one in 4/4 time to mix things up a bit. The tune that emanates from Twink’s baton upon conducting the melody is a rather random set of notes. Twink definitely can’t dance to it. Good thing I won’t have to use it that much throughout the game. Oh wait.

This difficult Wind Wanker lesson causes a second door to open up and Twink’s stone sex slave gives him some advice. “My kin wait beyond the doors. Control them and guide them to their places of truth to open the path to the gods…” he says with the most random use of red text thus far in the game. His meaning is clear, however — Twink must assemble a statue orgy in order to ascend to the next level of the Phallus.

The west door leads to a grappling hook room with some irritating flamer skulls. They wouldn’t be half as irritating without that wicked little giggle, like they don’t know whether they want to tickle Twink or rape him. Welcome to my disturbing brain. In the room with the statue, Twink uses his new baton song to guide the statue sex slave across a magic bridge and into the previous room.

But oh noes! The statue may have talents, but flying and/or swinging around on a grappling hook are not included in that list. If Twink can’t find a way to get the statue across the giant chasm in the floor, his entire adventure is over! Okay, I’m just trying to inject some drama into this horribly boring dungeon. Twink swings over to a side room in hopes that he’ll find the answer he seeks in there. Or maybe a gay disco with lots and lots of half-naked men gyrating to the Village People. But that would be interesting, so it’s very unlikely.

In actuality, Twink enters the room to find several phallic pillars arranged in a circle with a large knight in the center. The knight holds an exceptionally phallic sword upright in front of his face. Twink likes where this is going. Unfortunately, the knight is a Darknut, known to Zelda veterans as “those fucking annoying guys you have to hit from behind.” Although Twink likes doing things from behind, it becomes a lot less fun when the dude in question is a giant bastard hell bent on giving him ouchies.