Back to the flower boat. Twink blows himself down the stream, avoiding evil octopi along the way. At the end of the corridor, Twink finds a room which just might contain something important. The door bars behind him again — this time with spiny tentacles. At first, things seem almost too easy, as Twink only has to hit a series of boomerwang switches atop phallic pillars in order to get his hands on the Big Key. But then, all hell breaks loose as two stupid Kargaroc Princesses show up only to drop two Moblins into the chamber. Seriously, do these guys have some sort of video surveillance system? Luckily, the Moblins are easily transfixed by Twink’s shiny shiny boomerwang, so they’re not as much of a pain in the ass as previously.
Twink is tempted to play with the giant penisy spears left behind by the Moblins. Unfortunately, this whole dungeon has way too many vaginas for Twink’s comfort. Plus, he’s feeling a bit lonely, and perhaps Makar is the Korok version of Fabio or something. Obviously, we know that Makar can’t just be in some random room — nope, he’s got to be in the freaking boss chamber. So Twink gathers up his courage to fight the big meanie boss.
‘Damn fangirls!’
More evil vaginas guard a vagina-like corridor, causing Twink to get a really bad feeling about the boss. A Joy Pendant and a room full of testicles give Twink enough courage to face his deepest fears, however. He enters the boss chamber. Inside, a tiny, extremely CUTE Korok sits in the center of a gigantic, undulating flower. It’s Makar, for those of you who have a little bit of trouble following along. Twink grins, but whether his pleasure is caused by the pretty flower or the prospect of an underage interspecies playmate is never explained. Before Twink can take another step, a head shoots out of the center of the flower and swallows Makar. Wait a minute — this isn’t the good kind of flower….it’s a vagina!
And what a vagina it is. The little head laughs at Twink as if to say “Your gayness can’t stand up to my womanly charms for long!” right before the petals of the vagina envelop it. Some penisy vines grow out of the top of the vagina and latch onto the roof of the chamber. Some more phallic vines with hooks on the end shoot out the bottom. Hey, don’t ask me. The game designers are obviously very confused people. Maybe these penises have been tainted by the wicked power of the Great Vagina.
Anyway, Twink must now separate the vines from the ceiling, cutting down the vagina and opening it up so he can hack at its most sensitive part (the head) with his sword. Yeowch! Twink doesn’t want anything to do with touching a vagina with his most prized phallic possession, but such are the sacrifices that a hero must make in order to complete his splendid jewelry collection. Also, he must take a pictograph so he can complete the Nintendo Gallery. This is just not a good day. While all this is going on, the vagina emits magical sparkly powder. I’m guessing that this powder, if inhaled, will cause Twink to turn toward the dark side — a.k.a. heterosexuality. Everything is on the line here for Twink.
Finally, Twink hacks off the…the… Okay, I’ll say it. The clitoris. It flops around a few times before expiring in a cloud of pink dust. My legs are totally crossed right now. With the giant vagina dead, the penis vines now wave about harmlessly, perhaps freed from their gynocratic prison. Makar has also miraculously survived his time in the vaginal canal. In his cuuuuuute little Korok voice, he thanks Twink, whom he, like all the other Koroks, calls “Swordsman.” No comment. When Makar finds out that his pimp daddy the Dicku Tree sent Twink to save his little wooden behind, he freaks. He remembers that it’s the day of the Big Ceremony, so he needs Twink to hurry the hell up and get him out of there. Never mind that there’s now a magical teleportation column under the vagina and Makar can get his own damn self out. Or perhaps this is an excuse for him to spend more time with his gay savior.
Loading ...Conveniently, the teleportation thingy transports Twink and Makar directly onto the lily pad in front of the Dicku Tree. The tree moans disturbingly, happy to have his cutest little “friend” back. Makar freaks out some more, apologizing profusely as if the Dicku Tree is going to beat the shit out of him after Twink leaves. The Dicku Tree just laughs, like a pedophilic Santa Claus. But as soon as Twink’s gone, he’ll probably break out the whips. Dropping the subject now.
Since Twink has fulfilled his end of the deal, the Dicku Tree shakes his long shaft, causing the green orb of Farore’s Pearl to float to the ground and hover in front of Twink’s face, where he eagerly snatches it up. This pesky bit of business out of the way, it’s time for the Big Ceremony of Love. Makar hops up and down a few times, finally dropping back onto the screen with a leaf cello and a stick bow. If he can magically teleport stuff like that, then why the hell didn’t he get himself out of the dungeon an hour and a half ago? Of course, if I had a nickel for every nonsensical thing in a game, I’d be rich enough to pay all the recappers and I wouldn’t have to resort to blackmail and sexual favors.
“Oh, Great Twink…” Makar begins, causing me to snicker. “As my thanks to you, I shall play even harder than I normally do. I hope you enjoy it!” I don’t think that will be a problem, if you follow me. Makar starts playing his adorable little cello, and because Twink, like me, is a twelve year old gay British homo who WAKS OFF 2 MUCH, he notices that Makar’s stick bow has a nutsack on the end. All is back to normal in Twink-land!
Exhibit A: Bow has a nutsack. Verdict: PENIS.
Twink grins and bobs his head gaily to this jaunty tune as yet another chipmunk chorus, this time of Koroks, starts singing and dancing along. There is nothing remotely heterosexual about the scene. In fact, the Dicku Tree is so moved by the gyrations of his Koroks that he shoots seeds out of the top of his stalk. And they say Zelda games are appropriate for children. Twink’s eyes grow huge with awe and perhaps a little bit of lust. Eight of the Koroks leap into the air to grab the Dicku Tree seeds between their little legs. I’m not exaggerating, either. Apparently they will fly to various islands to plant the seeds, growing mini-Dicku Trees all over. Just what the world needs. The Koroks bid farewell to Twink, hoping to see him again soon. Unfortunately for those of us who hate timed tasks, it will be way too soon. But I’ll stop before I spoil anything further.
‘Baby, I needed a cigarette afterward.’
Only Makar and Hollo stay behind in the Great Dicku Tree’s love nest. Makar works his penis bow hard as he continues practicing his little cello. Hollo, on the other hand, is the juice-brewing Korok. As Nintendo’s game designers have learned, every community needs someone to brew hallucinogenic substances. Sure enough, Hollo’s little potion-brewing, uh, hollow has sitar music in the background. You do the math. Anyway, should Twink ever need a potion that just replenishes magic (he won’t), he can partake of Hollo’s magical juice. I just can’t write anything that doesn’t sound sick.
His business in the forest completed, Twink heads back out to the postbox, which is squirming with need once again. This time, Twink receives an asskissing letter from the Rito Cheftain regarding the whole Dragon Phallus Island incident. It’s too little too late in the gushing thanks department, but the Chieftain makes it up to Twink by giving him his fourth Piece of Ass. Not a terrible day after all, in spite of that whole vagina incident.
Sean Connery, sitting patiently by the shore, drawing pictures of Alex Trebek having sex with a horse, wonders if the appearance of monsters at the Phallus Haven means that Ganon is “regaining his power.” NO! With this kind of brainpower on his side, Twink is sure to prevail. As in other Zelda games, Twink must collect a third piece of lovely jewelry in order to progress the plot, and according to Mr. Connery, this particular item is located to the northwest.
But first! As I bitched about mentioned earlier, Twink, in his utter stupidity, forgot to retrieve a special ability from NPC Island. So it’s back to that wretched place to visit one of his special friends, the jumpsuit-clad Liberace. It’s nighttime on NPC Island, but luckily for Twink, Liberace is still out by the tombstone, dancing his gay ass off. He’s still going on and on about that magical dance that turns night to day, but this time, Twink has the necessary item to help him out!
What better to teach a gay man a gay dance than the gayest magical item, the Wind Wanker? As soon as Twink whips it out, Liberace goes into a euphoric state. “That’s the rhythm I’ve been trying to recall! OH! I can feel it! I can FEEL it, guy!” he shrills. I think I’ll let that line speak for itself. Liberace demonstrates the motion that Twink must imitate with his wand (sounding a little too much like Michael Jackson in the process). This produces the same tune as the Sun’s Song from Ocarina of Time, only it’s called the Song of Passing here, so it’s totally different. Liberace encourages Twink to “let the sun SHINE ON!” Cripes.
Unfortunately for poor Liberace, the magical dance doesn’t work for someone without a gay sparkly wand. Twink leaves him to wallow in his own dramatic self-pity, returning to the Phallus Haven. I do this so that Sam can just pick up the recap from there. After all, she’s probably smart enough, unlike that moronic Twink, to get all this stuff on her first trip to the Island.
And with that, I’m afraid our recap must come to an end. Will Twink be able to complete his collection of pearls? Find out next time when Sam gets to sail all over the freaking place. Byeeeeee!