He fights past a crackload of Shiggyblins, only to find himself in an empty room. It goes without saying that that’s too good to be true, since crossing to the far wall causes the ceiling to shit out a huge gob of ChuChus. Just the reds, greens, and urine-colored ones, though. Seriously, there has to be over twenty of those fuckers. Twink has no trouble with the room, especially after dealing with those moths and estrogen skulls, but I just had to describe the surreality of the scene. It’s like staring into a herd of jelly dildos.

Surprisingly, Twink has no problem with the five Jizzrobes on the next level, probably because they’re easier to eliminate when there aren’t five thousand other monsters trying to hump his various body parts at the same time. The Bone Daddy/ReDead funfest on the next floor doesn’t go quite as smoothly. He gets mounted by a ReDead and smacked in the face with a Bone Daddy’s metal schlong within thirty seconds. So when is someone going to call for a re-rating of this game?

After a shockingly uneventful level involving three Moblins and two Dicknuts, Twink finds himself in a room with three Jizzrobes and two Dicknuts. Well, the Dicknuts are just standing there, so he should be able to just finish off those floating asstards first, right? Of course it’s not that simple. Whichever sadistic fucknut designed this dungeon decided it would be “fun” to throw in some electrified beams around the perimeter. Beams that are invisible until touched, just for that extra little “fuck you!”

The two Dicknuts are black with black armor. I’m not sure if that means anything, but Twink has a much harder time with them than the two on the previous level, so take that for what it’s worth. I’d like to think that they’re tougher, but it’s just as possible that I’m getting worse at the game. That sure makes me feel like a million bucks. At least Twink learns that he can destroy their armor by hitting them enough times with the Masturbator Sword. Not that he randomly flailed around until that happened — that was his complex strategy all along.

Finally, Twink reaches the very last level of the dungeon — Floor 51. While it would be awesomely funny if there was just a lame Red ChuChu in here, you know the game designers aren’t going to let me off that easy. Twink has to face four — that’s right, four — Dicknuts and their long, erect blades. And just like the level with the electric fences, the dickcheese game designers thought it would be an excellent idea to fuck with me some more by adding a bunch of fire-breathing Moblin statues around the room. The game designers can’t see me, but I’m presenting them with an extended middle finger. Two, actually. Freaking assholes.

Twink enters the room with four hearts left, and it’s only thanks to the Magic Armor he got from Eskimo Guy that he doesn’t end up dead in thirty seconds. Cripes, how do those Dicknuts manage to maneuver their giant swords when they’re all ganged up like that? Twink won’t be able to walk for a week.

Most of the remaining footage is just a series of Twink running, pursued by lots of grunting and armor clanking sounds. Plus Twink flailing around and getting smacked in the face repeatedly with yet more metal schlongs. As a 12-year-old gay British boy who can’t get any, I think this is the closest I’ve ever been to getting laid.

Somehow Twink manages to prevail, using only one of his fairies. In other words, I outdid my last crappy attempt at this part. I rule! Twink grabs his piddly little Piece of Ass, saves his game, gives the dungeon one last finger, and sets off to retrieve the last two Triforce Charts. That’s right, we still have two to go! You are very excited! So am I! Yay!

Twink tries to refill his empty magic gauge with the plants on Outset Island, but he might as well try to find a penis on a steroid-ridden muscle model. Stingy asswipes. He doesn’t have all day to fuck around, so with a sigh, he hops on top of Sean Connery, hoping he won’t have to use any of his magic-depleting items. Surely he won’t have to fight any more monsters or anything. That would just be redundant and lame.

Halfway between Greatfish Isle and Southern Fairy Island is a place called Stone Watcher Island. My first thought is that some of the tasks thus far have been about as exciting as sitting around staring at a stone, but the name is actually based on yet another giant stone head which sits atop the highest point of the island. Guarding another secret cave, of course. I’m kind of wondering about the backstory of these things. Who decided it would be an awesome idea to cover up various hidden holes with gigantic carved heads? Was this done before Hyrule flooded, meaning some asshole rolled a huge stone noggin up a tall mountain? Or was it done after the flood and after the Triforce Chart was placed, meaning some asshole transported a huge stone noggin across the sea and used some sort of pulley system to get the head into position? Who were these people? What are their stories?

This is just some useless information to consider the next time you’re lying awake at night. Plus, I’m kind of trying to put off the next chart retrieval. You see, although we recappers slave away to bring you detailed reenactments of the plots of games you’ve already played, some of you have the balls to call certain parts of our recaps rushed. But let me put it to you this way, both as a recapper with 84 recaps under my belt (like that) as well as someone who can usually create story where there is none — sometimes there just isn’t anything to recap. It’s like being a brainsucker latched to Tidus’s skull.

Which brings us to the next Triforce Chart “trial.” In this instance, when Twink pops into the secret hole, he finds himself surrounded by five doors. One of them is barred. The other four contain monsters. Twink has to clear the four rooms of monsters, then fight two Dicknuts in the central area. Do you see where I’m going with this? Did you notice that there was already quite a lengthy section in this recap of Twink fighting monsters in various rooms? Are you seriously going to give me shit if I skip a summary of Twink fighting similar monsters but in a group of four rooms instead of fifty-one? Do you really need to read a detailed synopsis of Twink versus two Dicknuts when you’ve already read a detailed synopsis of Twink versus four Dicknuts? THIS IS THE SAME SHIT ON A SMALLER SCALE. I HAVE ALREADY BLOWN MY WAD ON DESCRIBING BATTLES. I AM NOT YOUR TRAINED RECAPPER MONKEY AND I WILL NOT DANCE FOR YOU.

I think…I got a little worked up there. Watching copious amounts of one’s own humiliating battle footage is probably not healthy for the mind or the soul. But at least Twink has his Triforce Chart (which, once again, is guarded by the wind symbol in addition to all the monsters and the stone head) and some rupees (this time. Fucking ghost ship.) With this seventh rolled-up chart in his sack, Twink has only one left to go. I hope it’s not too much to ask for a Triforce Chart task that isn’t horribly difficult and doesn’t involve monsters.

Apparently it is. In the upper right hand corner of the map is Overlook Island, which is not so much an island as a series of penisy towers with palm trees. But Overlook Penis Towers With Palm Trees wouldn’t fit in the text box. Just like with Diamond Steppe Island, Twink must moneyshot all over the damn place to get to the final and most majestic of all the stone penises. Of the island, not of the game. This is no Phallus of the Gods. I don’t want there to be any cock-related confusion.

You’ll never guess what Twink finds on the lower ledge of the penis. Okay, you got me, it’s another secret cave. This one is apparently unworthy of being guarded by a giant head. I wonder what the criteria is. Anyway, before I get any further off-topic, you’ll never guess what Twink finds inside the secret cave. Seriously, I even had a tough time believing this. No, it’s not Tingle having sex with the Samara the Fairy Queen. It’s another God damn circular room surrounded by another series of God damn rooms filled with God damn monsters. Just like the last island. At least pretend to put some effort into this shit, game designers. This is just sad.

Oh, but they put different monsters in the rooms, so that totally took a ton of effort. Well, maybe that’s true if you consider that the game designers were probably not sober when they thought this up. I finally decide not to cut them any slack when Twink enters the central area for the last time, only to find four fucking Dicknuts. Because we all know how much I love fighting Dicknuts. And recapping fighting Dicknuts. THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER.

I fast-forward through this battle, since my views on recapping it have not changed. Let’s pretend that Twink and I performed awesomely and no anal violation took place. Yes, it’s good to dream. As soon as Twink grabs his chart and rupees and leaves that annoying place, he immediately gets knocked off the tower by a bomb from a nearby boat. That’s just the story of my life right there.

Twink checks his financial situation, noticing that he has 2767 rupees. Before he can embark on his rendezvous with Tingle, he must find approximately 400 more. I actually consider tormenting Sam in exchange for the letter sorting game by heading over to Twink’s Love Nest and solving all those slidey puzzles for cash. Because I am good at those. But then I remember that she did not force me to complete that Orca sidequest, and because of that I just can’t bring myself to be a dick. I’m such a doormat. Instead, Twink decides to unroll a couple of his hard-earned treasure charts and go spelunking for rupees.

I’m sure a detailed description of sailing around to various islands and sinking the grappling hook would be almost as exciting as another round of Fight The Monsters. Too bad for you that I’m going to skip that, too. But I’m not going to skip what happens right after Twink uses Treasure Chart 24 at Northern Fairy Island.

He notices in his sometimes-accurate Strategy Chart that there is another submarine nearby. A submarine filled with exciting treasure. Twink hopes that there are also monsters to fight inside, because he just hasn’t had enough of that. Woohoo! Lucky day for Twink! There’s just about an assload of Moblins on patrol inside. This is undoubtedly one of Maggie’s most lurid fantasies — a good old-fashioned Moblin orgy.

Twink has no trouble defeating them since he’s only had to fight about ten bazillion more difficult monsters in this recap alone. But when he’s finished, he notices that the ledge leading to the treasure room has no ladder. Weird. Maybe there are some more monsters hiding in the barrels. He tests this theory and finds several green rupees, but no monsters. Huh. That’s odd.

Then Twink notices the swinging lanterns. Oh, Jesus. No.

Yes. Twink has to leap from lantern to lantern, just like in Timmy’s stupid fothermucking ship. Thank God there’s no time limit. Don’t start thinking this isn’t annoying, though. Because it is. Twink’s two failed attempts punctuated by my excessive profanity prove it. That treasure must be an anatomically-correct replica of Tingle’s ass for it to be that difficult to retrieve. But no, it’s another Treasure Chart. Twink can’t work up any excitement over that, in any sense of the word. Sure, it’ll come in handy later on, but some more rupees right now would have been nice. He can’t buy off Tingle with a Treasure Chart, for God’s sakes.

The next treasure destination is Spectacle Island, which is on Twink’s sea chart, but he doesn’t recall ever visiting. Huh. It must have happened when Lenzo got him drunk, that bitch. Once Twink finishes plundering the ocean floor, he realizes that he now has enough to pay that long overdue visit to Tingle. Oh, baby.