‘…But such small penises. So small.’
Everyone follows Geddy into the Great Hollow, except for Queen, who pauses to say, “There. Everything is fine. You can come out now, Jacques.” Jacques emerges from a bush, wearing a black leather bustier, stiletto heels and bright red lipstick. Oh, she didn’t mean that? Whoops. Anyway, either Jacques is a total coward and jumped into hiding when he saw the lizards and their huge tails, or he was waiting to strike them down with his Boronda Hawk rune, like a stud. Take your pick.
Inside the cavern, Geddy and Shiba chat about The Cold Truth of War™. Shiba exposits for us that the lizards have noticed some weird stuff going down over the past few days. For example, they’ve found some of their warriors dead from what appear to be Zexen sword wounds. “And our prophet told us that something is about to happen,” he adds. When Geddy asks if lizards believe in that Miss Cleo bullshit, Shiba admits that they don’t. So why even keep a prophet around? I’m sure a freaky lizard mystic could find another job somewhere. I mean, look at John Edward.
Shiba and Geddy arrive in the main area of the Great Hollow, and boy, is this one big cavernous tunnel. I’m surprised the entire male cast of the Suikoden series isn’t hanging out in here. It couldn’t be more cozy if it were a burning village. Shiba fears that Geddy might get lost in such an impressive place, and asks the human to follow his thick, erect tail. Geddy does so, even though this place is cake in terms of navigation compared to stupid Vinay del Sexay. Following Shiba’s slow self takes forever, but soon enough they’re at the top of the Hollow, at the guarded entrance to Chief Zepon’s cave-within-a-cave. Shiba tells Geddy he may enter, but that his “followers” have to hang out there and wait. Ace, of course, takes umbrage at being called Geddy’s follower. Even though Geddy is their boss in every sense of the word. But Ace is ever-weary of any insults to his masculinity, lest he risk all those “girls” he likes thinking he has a small penis.
Inside, Geddy chats up the avatar-less Zepon. I’m sure the fact that he has no character art indicates that he’ll be around for a loooooong time. The room they’re in is all dark, except for a little bit of light coming from some artsy holes in the wall behind the lizard, and from an orb behind Geddy, which appears to be covered in a giant lace doily. Somehow, I’m not surprised by this decoration choice. Zepon cannot say whether the Fire Bringer rumor is true or false, but both he and Geddy surmise the shit is about to hit the fan. A stunning revelation, given how peaceful and conflict-free this game has been so far. Zepon whacks Geddy with the Sledgehammer of Fate, and the scene is over. Wow, I feel so enlightened! That answered ALL my questions!
We kind of enter the next scene somewhere in the middle. Joker and Ace are arguing like an old married couple again, this time over Ace being full of shit about some story he just told. “But I really saw it…” Ace protests. Given the events that are about to take place, I wonder what it is he says he saw. Queen joins Joker in telling Ace to shut up, and Ace cracks, saying he wanted to “brighten things up.” So he really didn’t see anything? I’m confused. Does this scene have a point? Meanwhile, Jacques murmurs, “I liked his story.” Aww. Look, it’s funny because Jacques is weird and Ace’s story really sucked. Everyone laugh at Ace.
Dammit, not her, too!
Geddy returns to the party at this point, letting his buddies know that they’re going to set up shop in the Great Hollow, with Chief Zepon’s permission. Queen doesn’t like the idea of bunking with lizards, and quietly, neither do the guys–it’d be pretty emasculating to shower with all those gargantuan reptiles.
Now that all that pesky story stuff is out of the way, the party gets to poke around Great Hollow. Hee. Geddy goes to all the usual shops, accepts a few items like Old Book Vol. 3 (undoubtedly a porno mag) and Grape Seeds, and is just getting ready to sit down and read his Old Book and spread his seed when he comes across some agitated lizards in the southeastern corner of the Hollow. They run off into the caverns, on the tail of some intruder. Interested, the 12th Unit tags along.
About halfway through a winding passage, they’re stopped by the same damn group of lizards that told them about the intruder, who proceed to shriek, “It’s you!!! You’re the intruders!!!” Even Ace is stunned by the level of stupid here. And they actually want to fight! Fucking dumbass lizards. The battle against the lizards ends automatically after a few turns, when Shiba shows up to call off his brethren. Good thing, too, ’cause they were beating Geddy’s ass. He apologizes to Geddy for the collective idiocy of his species, but explains, “An intruder has penetrated the inner sanctum of our Great Hollow.” No fake innuendo I write could possibly compete with this line. Shiba is eager to return the favor, if you know what I mean, and so joins Geddy’s battle party.
‘And he didn’t even buy us a drink!’
Geddy continues through some more passages and finally emerges outside, where there are four freshly dead lizard bodies in front of none other than Chris the Ice Queen, along with nine generic Zexen Knights. Chris, if I’ve got the timeline mostly right here, is currently at the treaty signing, so, hel-lo, this is not actually Chris. Not that anyone here knows that. In response to Shiba asking what they want, Chris says, “We wanted to see just how powerful the greatest warrior clan among the Six Clans was.” Clue #2 that this is not Chris, since the real Chris is Noble and Modest and Good. Shiba threatens, Chris threatens back, and the boss battle begins!
For the record, this is the fourth time I’ve played this game. I have never been lucky or over-leveled enough to win this battle. And I’m not going to win it this time. If you have managed to do it, I am very happy for you. I’m sure you and your perfect save are very happy together, and that your memory card keeps you warm at night. In fact, I bet you’re so happy and secure that you don’t even feel the need to email me and tell me I suck for your own gratification.
Anyway, the battle. If the other clue-by-fours weren’t enough to show us that this Chris is a fake, we get to see her use a powerful water/ice spell and wipe out the entire party in one fell swoop. Hey, if she were this awesome for real, you bet your ass I would know about it already. But she’s only got a piece-of-crap Phoenix Rune (for now). So what gives, Doppel Ice Queen? You didn’t do your research!
Loading ...Geddy’s wondering the same thing, as he’s smart enough to know this is most unlike the Knights of Zexen except that asshole Borus. Doppel Ice Queen says, “One day, you will understand,” and walks off. Bitch. I want to know now. Geddy stares after her, with no friggin’ clue what just happened.
Back in the tunnel, Geddy, Ace, and Joker discuss what just happened, and how weird it is that the Zexen Knights would just come in and start shit right when they’re supposed to be signing a treaty. Jacques adds that he checked out the tracks of the Knights, but they seemed off. “They were too light,” he explains, though it seems that no one is listening to him, as usual. And it’s a shame, as he’s right on the money. The whole conversation is forgotten, however, when Queen runs over with news. Apparently something’s going on over by the Chief’s room. Ruh-roh, Raggy!
Completely out of left field, a bolt from the blue, no one saw this coming a mile away–Chief Zepon has been murdered. “It’s terrible in there…” Shiba says, stunned. What sort of vile inhuman monster could make the bloody mess of Zepon that this intruder did? Don’t all you Suikoden fans shout out the answer at once. You might deafen the newbies. “Zepon is dead…” Geddy says gravely, and if I didn’t like him so much I’d give him an open-handed slap in his eyepatched face for pulling such a Shion-esque Captain Obvious.
Outside, the 12th Unit members watch all the lizards pull out of the Great Hollow, marching toward war with those goddamn Ironheads. Ace wants to stop them, but Geddy wisely figures they’d only end up getting themselves hurt for getting in the way. Instead, Geddy randomly decides that they should go see the “renowned Lucia” over at Karaya Village. Queen takes “renowned” to be “super-sexy,” but she doesn’t know who Geddy really wants to see. Is that some hoyay I see on the horizon at last? It just might be!
Geddy and Friends take their leave of the Great Hollow, only to find a convenient shortcut to Karaya Village. They make a quick pit stop at Ass Castle so I can upgrade Geddy and Queen as much as possible–again, for no reason–and then journey over the Amur Plains, killing Furries and axe-wielding bunnies as they go. Once they reach Karaya, Ace asks Geddy if he knows someone there. “You could say that,” Geddy answers. Wait. I thought they were coming here to speak with Lucia. Does Geddy need a freaking recommendation to talk to her? Joker wonders where their “welcoming committee” is, if Geddy has Karayan friends. Well, they’re on their way, and they’re going to show you into their conference room, where they have bagels and Sumatran blend from the Starbucks down the street. Welcoming committee, seriously, what the fuck is that?
Actually, their welcoming committee just showed up, and it’s a pissed-off looking Aila with a group of Karayaclones. And instead of bagels, they have arrows. Aww, dammit. When Aila asks them who they are and what their business is (there sure has been a lot of that in this recap), Ace decides it would be really funny to tell this girl an amusing lie, because surely a girl won’t retaliate, as girls don’t fight. Jesus. Anyway, he says, “Whoa, what a cute little thing. You see, we’re, let’s say…we’re a traveling circus. I’m Ace, the knife thrower. Jacques and Queen over there are acrobats. And our boss, dressed in black here, is an animal tamer. That old man knows magic tricks from faraway lands.” And for some reason, I like Ace.
‘I’ve got a Double Tusk…in my PANTS!’
As I’m sure is apparent, Aila is highly unamused by Ace’s smart-ass response. As if what he already said weren’t condescending enough, he goes on to tell her not to get so mad, because she’ll get wrinkles. Jesus H, Ace. Just stop talking. “I don’t think think this is going to well,” he says with a shrug, as if the situation just turned south of its own accord, and not because Ace jammed his size 12 in his mouth. “Captain?” No one else knows what to say that could possibly negate Ace being a dumbass, so it’s time for another battle. Like the battle with the lizards in Great Hollow, this one ends automatically after a few turns, this time when Jimba shows up. Except this time I was winning, dammit. Jimba chews Aila’s ass for being so rude to “his” guests. Obviously he missed Ace powering up the old charm factory for her.
Geddy apologizes to Aila, saying he wasn’t sure how to explain himself. Gee, maybe saying “We’re friends of Jimba and we’re not here to fight” would have helped a wee bit. Aila just gets angrier at this, shouts “Explain!” at no one in particular, and runs off to her tent, no doubt to cry into a pillow, then tearfully tell the Corey Feldman/Corey Haim poster on her ceiling that one day they’ll get married and she’ll be happy. Soon, Coreys. Soon.
Jimba turns to Geddy, to explain Aila’s PMS: “Most of our warriors are away, so those who remain are very edgy.” Geddy shakes his head and replies, “No need to apologize. This gay bitch over here deserved to have an arrow jammed down his throat.” Innuendo fully intended. Jimba says in turn, “Let’s make our way to the village. I’ll try to make up for the unfortunate greeting.” Bamp-chicka-bow-bow-chicka-wow.