Joker can see the pain written all over Geddy’s face. “Captain…” he says, “the destiny that you’ve shouldered all this time is a burden whose weight overwhelms me. As for the rune, and the sketch, I prefer to forget about all that.” If I may translate Joker once more: “Your secret is safe with me. Since we’re both up, why don’t we have some fun?” Geddy, still facing away, replies, “I’m sorry, Wang.” This scene is all heartfelt and sorrowful, so I will act my age for once and not snicker. Joker closes his eyes. “It’s been a while since I’ve been called that,” he says. The screen fades to black before I get to see them run into each other’s arms, each a temporary solace for the other in this chaotic world.

I swear I’m not trying to turn this into a fanfic. Anyway, like Joker and Geddy, morning comes, and Aila returns to the manor foyer to tell the others that she just scouted Team Frodo meeting up at the entrance. The 12th Unit puts its plan into action. Which involves, first and foremost, saving my game. That was a lot of cutscenes I don’t feel like viewing again, lest I permanently dissolve into a purple prose-spewing puddle. The second order of business is, for whatever reason, running down to the entrance where the residents of this sad ruin are gathered. If Geddy and pals want to stay hidden, this is exactly what they shouldn’t do, but what do I know? I’m not an immortal hobo with one eye and six boyfriends.

Frodo’s meager instructions to his staff, and Babyface Official’s final entrance with his knights, play out as they did before. But the last crew of knights, following after BO’s group, are stopped in their tracks by Ace, Joker, and the rest of the crew. So I guess they were crouched behind the lottery booth again. It’s like the game is going out of its way to convince me that Martha isn’t useless. Nice try!

‘Get the shovels.’

The 12th Unit returns to the manor, stepping over some more knight corpses left by Cogs and Piccolo on the way. But at the manor, the action cuts back to Team Frodo, preparing for their final stand and running back inside just ahead of Geddy’s group. Queen and Joker comment on Frodo’s strategy of running inside and waiting for the assault, but not derisively, somehow. Ace announces their plan to sneak into the manor using the “secret passage” they found. Or they could go through the tavern door and hide in there. Or through the basement. Or through one of the many undoubtedly unlatched windows. Or through the giant fucking holes in the walls. Fort Knox this isn’t.

Once we’ve established how, HOW, our heroes manage to enter the impregnable Buttfuck Manor, we pick up with Frodo and friends getting pasted by BO’s knights, and Queen throwing a flash bomb into the fray. The difference is, I now have to fight them for real with the 12th Unit. But these same knights that were too artificially difficult for Frodo’s group are of course no match for Geddy’s. That sounds about right. As the aftermath plays out again, Frodo says to Cogsworth that clearly their out-of-the-blue saviors were not part of any plan. During Frodo’s last recap I believed that myself, but now I’m less certain. We know Caesar’s plan involved sending Juan to seek Tootie’s assistance, and that all played out before Tootie sought Geddy’s services. So it’s entirely possible that Caesar asked Tootie to also secure some third-party reinforcements. The only reason I am even entertaining this is that the plan is Caesar’s and to a lesser extent Tootie’s, two of the only people in the game with more than two brain cells to rub together.

Back to the 12th Unit, who are watching from the alcove, in plain view of Frodo. And not exactly troubling to keep their voices down. They remind themselves of the dire consequences should Frodo and the others fail to hold back the Zexen forces, but still decide to stand there from here on with their thumbs up their asses and leave everything to Frodo’s newfound sense of bootstrapping.

This is a strong indicator that you just said something stupid.

But Frodo’s self-determination is not enough for Ace and Aila, who can barely watch all this go down, and Aila–as I assumed she’d eventually want to do–prepares to put an arrow right through Babyface Official’s fat head. Ace only stops her because “It’ll give our position away!” and he is mortally afraid of the Zexen Council finding out some rat-faced asshole they’ve never heard of is assisting these rebels. Ace and Aila yell at each other for a minute, but it doesn’t matter since Team Frodo and Team BO have all relocated outside for the climactic scene of BO’s spectacular downfall, featuring the return of Bubba and Percy. Whew! The Geddy Gang follows suit and watches from around a corner by the tavern door. “It looks like [Tootie]’s plan is unfolding,” Geddy says approvingly. I do wonder how much of this Tootie came up with, as opposed to Caesar. It would actually make a lot more sense if the plan to sell Buttfuck to Lucia was his, since Caesar would hardly know enough about local politics to make that work. Not that it should have worked in the first place, because I am still not buying that. Anyway, as they watch this happy ending, complete with Frodo-glomping, Aila decides they, the 12th Unit, are “defenders of justice,” a statement that makes Ace demand she stop being “childish” and me picture them all in sailor skirts, tiaras, and hooker boots. Geddy is probably also picturing this, and as his underlings argue away their sexual tension he almost seems to smile.

*chokes on drink*

But as much as he seems to have a rapport with his sweet Wang, Geddy’s actually thinking back to a conversation he had 50 years ago, in front of this very manor. In sepia tone, Wyatt Lightfellow, who we can finally stop pretending is a separate person from Jimba, turns away from Geddy and asks, “Are you coming, [Geddy]?” Cough. “Yeah,” Geddy replies. “Our work is done. Just as he wanted, this land belongs to neither Zexen nor the Grasslands.” Please tell me the Flame Champion didn’t rally an entire army and maybe cause a nuclear winter just so Buttfuck Castle wouldn’t owe anybody property taxes. Wyatt, in a fetching teal ensemble that’s just different enough from the Zexen Knight standard issue to be interesting, wonders why Isaac would give a shit about that. Geddy’s answer proves that he has spent a lot of time psychoanalyzing his man. “That man has always sought freedom–freedom from his destiny, from the power of the Rune,” he says. “He wanted freedom for this place. It may have been a mere whim, but I admire his simplicity.” It had to be a mere whim. If he wanted some piece of the continent to transform into a John Galt paradise, and had some time to peruse real estate listings, I am quite sure he could have done better.

“Yeah,” Wyatt agrees. They both have spent a lot of time trying to get into Isaac’s pants head, haven’t they? Clearly he is the Harry to their Ron and Hermione. “In the end,” Wyatt goes on, “I was taken by Grassland. You stayed on the outside, and somehow remained neutral.” I don’t know what he means by “taken”–I assume Chris won’t be born for a couple more decades, so it’s not like he’s moments from shedding his old life and posing as a Karayan. “Many people were able to see a bright future,” Wyatt adds with a rueful smile. “Sometimes, I regret our immortality. I hope that there will come a day when we’ll think of it as a form of freedom, rather than a prison.” We know Geddy’s never managed to come around to this point of view, and given that Isaac–spoiler–chose death and Wyatt eventually chose exile, probably none of them did. This is like everyone wanting to stay friends forever at high school graduation, but nobody keeps in touch, and everybody gets sad and fat. Geddy’s like, “Sure, whatever,” and walks off.

Is there something about True Rune immortality that grants bearers Greek God-like cheekbones?

Queen snaps Geddy back to the present, as she and Ace are wondering what the plan is now. “Well, we actually do have a new mission,” Ace reminds them. “Up in the Outlands…” Do they? I thought they were wanted back in Caleria for assaulting a bishop. Not that Geddy is even entertaining any boring mercenary paycheck bullshit. “We’re going to see the Flame Champion,” he announces. I expect Ace to react like he just said they’re going to see the Wizard of Oz, but Ace just crosses his arms in more of a gesture of consternation than surprise. “I don’t mind going to see this Flame Champion fellow,” he says, and now I can’t un-see Ace as Pete Campbell, “but is this really a mission? Well?” HELL’S BELLS, GEDDY. Queen also wonders how they’re going to find him without any leads, given that the Flame Champion trail died back on Mt. Senai.

But in the ultimate “fuck you” to his makeshift family, Geddy continues, deadpan, “I know where the Flame Champion is waiting. In the east of Grassland, close to the village of Chisha…. If we go there, we can find him.” As one, the five members of his entourage turn to him with unmistakable “WOULD’VE BEEN NICE IF YOU’D TOLD US THAT EARLIER” faces. I mean, really, he could have saved everybody a lot of time. Queen and Joker, obviously, are fine with Geddy’s total lack of explanation (and Joker mostly knows what’s up now), Joker telling a flustered Ace, “We’re mercenaries. All we need is our mission and our payment. There’s no need to get nosey about what’s behind it.” Except this isn’t a mission, and they’re not getting paid. Good talk! Geddy at least has the grace to apologize for being so secretive, leading Queen to respond, launching the fan theory that she’s a secret Targaryen Highland princess, “That’s okay. We all have our secrets. We have things about our pasts we haven’t told you either. Not even the Defense Force knows everything.” Ace, for his part, has this openmouthed mopey look on his face that clearly says, “You guys already know everything about ME.” And they do. He sleeps with Joker’s portrait under his pillow!

THIS FUCKING GUY

You’d think everything that needed to be said has been said, but Aila, proving once again that she is the best, asks Geddy, “[Geddy], are you a friend of the Flame Champion, or something?” Yes. Let’s go with “or something.” Geddy goes, “Sort of…” Yup. Nothing out of anyone else’s mouth could top this, so the scene ends.

As I may have already mentioned, because the recruitment well has dried up for now, Geddy doesn’t have a single goddamn item on his agenda other than hooking up with his old boyfriend, so what follows is 90 minutes of putzing around the map, killing treasure bosses, kitting out the 12th Unit to the nines, putting up decorative vases around Buttfuck Manor (aka putting lipstick on a pig), and buying gold bars to hoard in a back room of the shipwreck, like Isaac would want. It’s funny that these third chapters are where the plot starts moving, and yet I’ve had to navigate more repetitive gameplay and by far more overlapping narratives and repeated scenes. It’s not even a complaint, given how little Geddy’s plot overlapped with Hugo’s and Chris’s up to this point. It’s just different.

This is as good a time as any to mention Geddy’s True Lightning Rune, which is now usable in battle. Just in case you thought the game was lying to us all and showing us a Lightning Rune that was actually something more, it turns out this is not the case–Geddy has a normal-ass Lightning Rune on his left hand and the TLR on his right. That is commitment to secrecy, right there. Just for fun I have him deploy his fourth-level spell, Hammer of Raijin, on the first treasure boss they encounter. I don’t see an actual hammer anywhere in this lengthy animation–surprise–but rather four snarling Gyarados, crackling with lightning, flying through space and converging on the poor PMS Crab, who is going back to bed with a heating pad and a mug of hot chocolate. Or dying. But I assume since they keep regenerating that that amounts to essentially the same thing.

This would make more sense if the lower level spells featured Magikarps.

Have we all had enough of my chapter three-mandated time-wasting? Good. Let’s hit up the Flameaway. (Geddy can’t even go to Chisha Village–he’s influenced enough events behind the scenes, and none of us need him and the 12th Unit spending an hour hiding behind grapevines and lobbing Molotov cocktails.) It is now Ace’s turn, as they walk through the cave, to express surprise about the Flame Champion living in “a place like this.” A thing like that! I’m starting to hope that, when everybody gets to see Isaac’s inner sanctum, it’s an opulent McMansion embedded in the mountain, with locally sourced granite countertops, a stocked butler’s pantry, and a jacuzzi tub. “It’s a better hiding place than some crowded city,” Joker replies, but I totally disagree. Once people know this is where Isaac is, there is no hiding. If he were in Vinay del Sexay, and people found that out, he would still have refuge. Hiding in plain sight! Their own captain has more or less been doing this for 50 years.

Oh, come now.

Speaking of, Queen looks sad for a moment and wonders aloud, “They say the Flame Champion doesn’t age, right? I wonder how old he really is.” While I’m wondering how many candles were on Isaac’s last birthday cake–which Geddy popped out of naked–Ace tells Queen, “Why do you ask? Oh, I know! You’d go after him if he was young and strong, wouldn’t you?” Jesus Christ, Ace–HE IS IN THEORY YOUNG AND STRONG, BECAUSE HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY AGE. He can’t even get his insults right. Queen stomps on his foot, which seems like a pretty mild rebuke, and Joker doesn’t say anything at all, to my enormous surprise. He’s snapped at Ace for way less than this in the last few hours. Aila, though, sticks to the script and naively wonders what “going after him” means, while Jacques keeps quiet and gets vaguely embarrassed about the whole thing. I never thought I’d see dysfunction be so paint-by-numbers.

They really should have named this spell Constipation of Thor.

Shockingly, Isaac’s Cave of Wonders (assuming this is Geddy’s private name for it) is not the slightest bit different this third time around. Maybe the Azzodess is a tiny bit harder because Geddy’s True Win Button Rune is good for absolutely nothing, but everybody present, even Ace, is good enough to weather it. At the Rune of Separating the Heroic Wheat from the Hanger-on Chaff, Geddy, unlike his two predecessors, knows exactly what he’s looking at. Without even getting down on one knee to touch his hand to the thing–which I kind of figured was required–the circle lights up and teleports him out of there. As usual, the rest of the group plays it cool while Ace flop sweats and cries out, “Hey, what the?!” Well, Aila also shouts out, “[Geddy]!” But they all look mostly unruffled by his disappearance.

Geddy runs down the hall of giant taper candles and opens the door to meet with Sana, Hugo, and Chris, and also Isaac, who is alive and so very happy to see his “good friend.” Hugo and Chris stare silently at Geddy, Hugo with his usual vacant dope face. Geddy ignores them and goes right up to Sana. “It’s been a while, Sana,” he says. “Or should I say Isaac….” Whoa, hang on there, buddy. Sana replies to this, “More than a little time has passed, [Geddy].” You can tell who really cared about Isaac and stayed at his side, Geddy. But on that SOMEWHAT AMBIGUOUS note, the screen fades to black and the chapter ends.

Well, what the fuck? Is Geddy just saying Sana’s been stringing people along with rumors of Isaac being alive? Or did she steal the True Fire Rune from her husband and suck his soul into her own body, and she’s coming for the True Lightning Rune next? I guess we’ll have to wait and find out. Next time, chapter four, and a portentous choice I totally haven’t already made. My bank is going to be such a mess.