Barry and Jowy leave the tent. Big surprise–just as they make it to the edge of the clearing, the Prick approaches them. He, of course, figured out why Jillia wouldn’t let him search her tent. He acts like this is first-class deduction on his part, then sends his men after Barry and Jowy. To kill them. As if. The first round of troops dispatched, the Prick is ready to bring on more. But he doesn’t know this is Jowy’s Big Heroic Moment. He tells Barry to run away while he takes care of the soldiers. Barry doesn’t want to leave his cupcake behind, but Jowy makes him run for it. The things we do for love. Barry bolts, and Jowy steps forward to kick some ass. The Prick taunts him for delaying the inevitable by trying to save his “friends.” Jowy says, “Shut your mouth!!! Saving my two friends has plenty of meaning for me!!” Who enumerates their friends in a situation like this? Nevermind. The Prick is still undaunted, but Jowy’s got something he doesn’t know about: the Black Sword Rune. Jowy calls upon its power and, presumably, uses it to beat up the Prick. We don’t find out, because the scene fades out before anything really happens.

Back somewhere in the forest, Nanami, Anita, Shiro, and Kinnison are waiting in plain sight when Barry runs up to them. He doesn’t have time to explain before a group of Highland soldiers attacks. But I have a bloodthirsty animal and a boy with a tiara in my party, so no problem. After the battle, Nanami demands an explanation, but they have to run away first. By the time the group reaches the Muse-Highland border again, Barry has filled them in on the details and on Jowy’s whereabouts. Nanami (duh) is worried sick. She suggests they go see Jess and tell him what happened. I’m sure he’ll be ever so sympathetic. Regardless, Barry returns to City Hall, but Jess and Anabelle are in a meeting and can’t be disturbed. Nanami again casts around for an authority figure. She can’t think of one, but decides they should go find Bear.

When Barry and Nanami enter the tavern, they’re immediately accosted by Flik. “Barry. You okay?” he says. “Leona told us what was going on. We’ve been very worried.” Upon hearing the empty use of the word “worried” again, I find the nearest solid object (my Mario bobblehead doll, FYI) and bludgeon myself stupid with it. The conversation turns to Jowy’s fate, and Bear and Flik are now even more worried. Jesus. Nanami explains everything via yet another black screen, and then tells them they couldn’t get in to see Jess. Bear assures them that he knows a “good trick” for dealing with government types, so not to worry. He and Flik join the party, and it’s back to City Hall again.

Gayness, thy name is Fitcher.

Once Barry reaches the door to Anabelle’s office, Bear gets ready to impress with his “good trick,” which turns out to be bitchslapping the guy guarding the door. What a diplomat. Might makes right, eh Bear? Flik shares my sentiment, but then I’m still mad at him for all that “worried” nonsense. As they enter the office, the music becomes less than cheery. Jess demands to know why they’re there, because he’s the Supreme Lord Over Everyone. Anabelle comes from behind her desk (ew, not like that) to ask them what’s wrong, as they apparently look angry. Bear ignores her and confronts Jess about sending Barry and Jowy off on a dangerous mission. They’re about to go fisticuffs (go Bear go!), which makes a very effeminate man standing next to Jess get all upset. This man, the previously mentioned Fitcher, is dressed like a Muse soldier, except there are several dashing red accents on his clothes, including a red headband. The overall effect of his ensemble is that he looks ready to attend a Jane Fonda aerobics class. “Hold on a minute, don’t get so mad…….” Big Gay Fitcher lisps at them. (Well, there’s no explicit lisp, but I’m sure you can imagine along with me.)

Jess isn’t all that intimidated by Bear, though he has to be twice Jess’s size (and no, not like that, either). “Yes, I asked them to do it. Now get your hands off me,” he snits. Ooh, aren’t we the high and mighty politician’s gopher boy. Flik speaks to Anabelle, since he’s the reasonable one and Bear shouldn’t be allowed to talk because he’s the stupid, irrational one, get it? He asks Anabelle how desperate the State is that they have to use “kids like this” as spies. “This kids” sure are sick of hearing themselves referred to this way, and they’re not the only ones.

Anabelle doesn’t like the sound of any of this, and from the way she says “Jess……………………..” (seriously, just like that), I’m guessing she didn’t know about what he did. She should really keep her boy-toy on a tighter leash. Jess still isn’t the least bit sorry, and defends his actions by explaining the mission he sent them on. “Barry, how much provisions did they have anyway?” he says, driving home how much of an asshole he is, like we didn’t see it plainly enough within five seconds of meeting him. Barry responds, “………………………..” What the fuck is wrong with these people? Nanami, to make sure the proper information is conveyed regardless of Barry’s choice, tells Jess it was about two weeks’ worth. “But the important thing is Jowy…What about Jowy…” Barry silently agrees, as he’d much rather be with Jowy than Big Gay Fitcher, who keeps winking at him from across the room.

Nanami tells Anabelle and Jess about what happened to Jowy, and anyone who guessed Jess doesn’t give a shit gets a gold star. Anabelle’s sorry for the danger they were exposed to, but Jess, because he doesn’t know when to keep his fucking mouth shut, says, “2 weeks means they’re planning a swift assault. [Thanks for that newsflash, asshole. We hadn’t already established that or anything.] Now we can plan our strategy at the Hilltop conference. Thank you, Barry.” See, doesn’t give a shit at all. Meanie. Bear rushes his punk ass, while Big Gay Fitcher shrieks, “Please, no violence!! No violence!!” Bear listens to him for some undisclosed reason, which allows Jess to regain his dickhead composure. “How dare you, mercenary,” he snaps. “We needed information to save Muse! Besides, it’s your fault that Lady Anabelle is suffering.” Anabelle yells at Jess to be quiet. What the hell is going on here? Even disregarding how out of place that was in the current conversation, since when is it his business to tell off Anabelle’s boyfriends? I’m ever so tempted to nickname Jess “Smithers” from now on, but there are plenty of gay men in this game already, and plus his boss isn’t a man. Flik calls off Bear, who looks ready to snap Jess’s pixellated head from his pixellated neck. “Enough, [Bear]. I guess mercs like us don’t have anything to say about what goes on here,” he says, as a parting shot. Ooh, burn, except not. I’m sure Jess is really going to change his mind about you now. Finally, they leave.

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Everyone’s back at Leona’s. Bear takes this time to apologize for what happened to Jowy. “If we had been there…..” But you weren’t. Next time, if you’re going to show all this worry and regret, try fucking doing something about it. Nanami’s trying to be optimistic and says she knows Jowy will come back. Barry agrees with her, because I make him. This is all Nanami needs to hear, so she decides to go out by the city gates and wait for him to come back. Poor, naïve Nanami. Presumably Flik is thinking the same thing, but I can’t say for sure because he only says “……………………..” I swear to God, the period key on my keyboard is going to stop working by the time this recap is over.

The scene changes, and now Barry is all by his lonesome. He talks to Leona, but she just nags him into going to sit with Nanami. Lassie just goes “……………” at him (everyone in this game hates me), and that’s the extent of people poor Barry can talk to, so I guess it’s off to see Nanami. He finds her outside the city entrance, but we get a nice angled shot of the place now, instead of the usual top-down view. Nanami is standing against the city walls, staring into the sunset. Or her sprite is just standing there. Whatever. As soon as Barry shows up and talks to her, she insists that he go back to Leona’s and rest. Screw that, he just got there. The Suikoden Really Fucking Sad Theme starts up as Nanami sits down against the wall with Barry standing next to her. They’re there all of three seconds when Nanami AGAIN tries to make Barry leave. Does she want Jowy all to herself when he shows up or something? That would throw a new kink into these kids’ relationship. Barry again says he’ll stay, and Nanami goes back to watching for their missing comrade. After another few seconds (boy, this is exciting), Lassie runs out of the gates toward them. She pantomimes that she wants to wait for Jowy, too. I have the option of making Barry say, “Would you wait in my place?” but Barry is way too eager for some hot gay teen action to sit it out at Leona’s, anyway. So all three of them wait.

Nanami decides to pass the time with a funny, embarrassing story about Jowy. All right, pay dirt! Apparently when they were all smaller Barry got lost in a place called Lude Woods. I’m not joking. Lude Woods. “Grandpa” Genkaku went out looking for him, while Jowy and Nanami waited. The moral of Nanami’s story? “[Barry] came back and I know Jowy is going to too.” Yeah, but Barry wasn’t captured by enemy troops–he was gallivanting around (probably naked) in the Lewd Woods. The story is punctuated with yet another demand for Barry to go back to the tavern. Give it up, Nanami. In any case, the story isn’t over. Nanami tells Barry that when he was lost, Jowy cried the entire time. Because he was in love with Barry even as a little boy. Awww. Nanami makes Barry promise not to tell Jowy, as she wasn’t supposed to say anything about it. Keep dreaming, girl–he’s going to lord that shame over Jowy for sexual favors for the rest of their lives.

Lassie, bored to tears by Nanami’s story because it wasn’t all about her, falls asleep. Nanami says, “It’s late, Jowy.” Then she tells Barry what we’ll hear about a million times before the game is over: that she wants to run away once this is over, just her, Barry, and Jowy. See, Nanami doesn’t like war. Because it’s sad and people die. Get used to hearing about it. Right after Nanami says this, miraculously, or not, they all see Jowy walking up the path. He runs toward them, and gets a huge hug from both Nanami and Lassie. Barry stands back a bit, no doubt waiting until they’re alone to share his affection. Jowy thanks Barry and Nanami for waiting for him. Lassie jumps up and down urgently, all “…………………….” at everyone, and Jowy thanks her, too, apparently just noticing that she was there. Ha ha, Lassie, it’s not all about you anymore! This “heartwarming” scene ends thus and we fade out.

And that’s where this recap is going to end as well, as it’s gotten really ungodly long. Join me in part 6 as Bear finds (and loses) twoo wuuv, politicans get snippy with each other, and Barry discovers a traitor in their midst. Guess who it is? You’ll never guess! Wait, yes you will.