Deciding he’d better elaborate, Jess asks Barry and Jowy for a favor. Barry’s mind goes into Threesome Mode. But of course, it’s nothing like that. Jess exposits that Prince Adolf’s army is camped out just beyond the Muse-Highland border, which is a short distance north of the city. He knows, just like the rest of us, that Adolf is going after Muse next. Jess wants to know what Highland has in the way of provisions, as it might be telling of how long a battle campaign they’re planning. Unfortunately, he only has Youth Brigade uniforms, so he needs young people to do the espionage work. You all know where this is going. “Whaaat?? Couldn’t that be dangerous????” Nanami duhs with her usual heaping helping of question marks. But despite the fact that the answer to Nanami’s question is evident to any idiot, Jess responds, “Well, umm…a little…” like he’s afraid they’ll say no unless they think this is some harmless pussywillow mission. Stupid Jess. And also: stupid irresponsible Jess. He’s charged with keeping three whole teenagers safe, and the first thing he does is send them into an enemy camp? What an asshole. Regardless, Barry and Jowy agree to help because they’re Noble and Good. Nanami protests but Jess quickly butts in front of her to shut her up. “Really! Thank you,” he says, handing them the uniforms. “You’re the pride of Muse.” But they’re not from…forget it.

Nanami resigns herself to worrying but decides she can come along to make herself feel better about it. Jowy suggests asking Leona for some companions to take with them. I can just imagine a giant vending machine behind the bar that stores the members of this slapdash mercenary group, and when Leona pushes the buttons they fall out and are ready to kick ass. Or maybe they’re all stored in Pokéballs. I’m sure Barry would love carrying balls around.

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Barry takes Jowy’s advice and is running back to Leona’s when he meets an old “friend” in the street: it’s Tuta, the little ladyboy with a hair bun! Tuta’s been–wait for it–so worried since he heard about the fort burning down, but is glad to see that Barry and “Captain” Gengen are okay. Then again, Tuta really is a worthless kid, so what could he have done, anyway? I’ll forgive him. Tuta takes Barry inside to meet his boss and mentor, the extremely Chinese-looking Dr. Huan. The good doctor greets Barry politely, showing his concern over the fort-burning incident and Barry’s health. Barry’s about to ask Dr. Huan about his experience in proctology, but he doesn’t get the chance. Huan addresses Tuta, saying there will be a war, and the army will need a doctor. So he makes Tuta join the army. What? If he knows this is going to be such a catastrophic conflict, why doesn’t Huan join up right away? Yet another question that never gets answered. In any case, Tuta is now part of Bear’s maaaaaaad mercenaries.

Back to the not-dangerous-really-I-swear mission. Barry enters the tavern to find Leona with Lassie at her side. Lassie starts jumping up and down in glee at seeing Jowy because she really IS like an attention-starved dog. I love nicknames that work in more ways than one. Leona tells them that Bear and Flik are out rounding up troops, but Jowy explains to her they’re not there to see the big boys. Black-out-and-fade-in-because-Jowy-explained-shit, and it’s Leona’s turn to be Captain Obvious: “Hmmm. That doesn’t sound like a very good idea, does it?” Yes, but Barry and Jowy have to help out or they’ll feel like worthless kids. That’s not very good reasoning, since everyone calls them worthless kids regardless of their actions. Leona sympathizes, but tells them to take some “friends” along. I was thinking more along the lines of “cannon fodder,” but thanks, anyway. I put Shiro the badass wolf and his gay master Kinnison into the party for now, and leave one space open, because Barry has one more soldier to recruit. Leona wishes them good luck and says she’ll let Bear and Flik know what’s going on.

*twitch*

Barry leaves the bar, and…goes right back in again. Now there’s a woman with short blonde hair and revealing chick-armor sitting at the table nearest the door. I wonder how she got in. Barry walks up to her and listens to her babble on about various unimportant ME ME ME things, until she asks Barry if he has any antitoxin. He obliges, because the game designers think we’re still somehow entertaining the idea that Barry will do anything for the ladies. Unless Anita is more than meets the eye, if you know what I mean, this is all one big charade. She thanks him for the antitoxin, which she needed to treat a spider bite. Maybe she could have, I don’t know, gone to the doctor, or bought her own damn antitoxin, instead of waiting around for her Knight in Shining Tiara to help her out. Barry has to “help” Anita twice more (by complimenting her and getting her a drink) before he can recruit her (by asking her on a date–yeah right), but he has to leave town and come back each time in order to, uh, reset her. Finally, after all that pretending to be straight Barry had to do, Anita Piece of Ass joins the group. And I add her to my party because she’s certainly a better fighter than the jokers I could choose from before (Shiro and Muku Ranger Red excepted).

After upgrading weapons and equipment for everyone I didn’t have in my party before (i.e., Anita, as Shiro doesn’t have weapons or armor), Barry finally leaves Muse and walks north to the Muse-Highland border as Jess the Asshole instructed. The guard at the gate is at first suspicious of the three gay young men, the tomboy, the attention-whoring lady, and the vicious wolf, but once Jowy mentions “Chamberlain” Jess he opens the gate. Good job on letting those Highland spies escape to their home soil, soldier. Wait, but now they’re City-State spies? I’m getting all confused again. And the irony only gets more convoluted from here.

The party follows the guard through the gate, and he explains that the Highland camp is a little further down the path. Jowy informs Nanami and the random members of the group that he and Barry will go it alone from here. Hey now, I didn’t put a full party together just to fight random monsters with only two people, buddy. Nanami basically says the same thing, and the party of six continues, slaughtering fluffy bunny rabbits and armadillos along the way. In a treasure chest Barry finds a “Circuret,” which I’m guessing is a circlet. Way to go, translators.

‘Its size wasn’t bothering you last night.’

Once close to the camp, Jowy insists on leaving the rest of the party behind while he and Barry jump behind the nearest tree and have their usual tonfa training session. Or while they complete their recon mission. Potato, potahto. Jowy says next, hoping to tactfully get rid of everyone so he and his man can get nekkid and sweaty, that they now need to change into the Youth Brigade uniforms. The rest of the group stares blankly at him, clearly not getting the message. Jowy freaks. “Umm…could you look the other way?” Nanami is scandalized, but they all do as they’re told and turn around. The screen fades to black, depriving me of the butt-naked sprites I so desperately wanted to ogle (because I’m a recapper and I can’t get any). Fade back in, and Barry and Jowy are back in the uniforms they were ostensibly wearing before the game began. Jowy complains that the uniforms are “kinda big,” and Nanami agrees that the uniforms look all wrong on them. I’m sure glad she’s here to instill our heroes with the confidence they need to pull off this mission. Even more reassuring, she does her best Jenny impersonation: “If you’re in danger, just run away, okay?” At last, Barry and Jowy take off on their own for the Highland camp.

The music changes to a military drum beat, just in case we’d forgotten in the last five seconds that this is a military camp. Jowy tells Barry that they should check the provisions tent first (and the camera obligingly shows us which one it is). Isn’t their only real purpose here to check the provisions tent? Were they supposed to short-sheet all the soldiers’ cots, too?

Anyway, Barry makes for the tent in the northeast corner, which is unfortunately the only guarded tent in the camp. Jowy is just starting to worry about this particular problem when they’re spotted by another soldier. “Those are Youth Brigade uniforms…” Corporal Obvious says. “What are you doing here?” It’s time for some quick thinking! “Well you see…..” Jowy starts, “that is….We…ran away from the Youth Brigade because we were being picked on for being gay. Really, really gay. My, aren’t you handsome, soldier. Do you work out?” Actually, he makes up some shit about his brigade being attacked. Corporal Obvious buys it, as he should because it’s actually true, and voices his opinion on their City-State enemies–which would be “They’re pure evil!!!” Barry says, “You’re right, they are.” That boy, he’s so clever. Corporal Obvious shouts, “You’re damn right they are!!” and promises to avenge all those poor little Mouseketeers. Jowy continues that their captain sent them to get some butter from the provisions tent. I guess the wounded soldiers in this brigade need treatment…with butter. They’re about to enter the tent when Corporal Obvious holds them back. He says, “…..I guess it’s my imagination. You couldn’t be spies with faces like that.” Jowy decides it would take too long to walk the soldier through each level of irony at work here, so he stays quiet. They get by the guard and into the tent. The boys take a look around, and after a moment’s inspection, Jowy figures they have enough for about two weeks, which means Highland is going for a quick siege. Now to leave the tent, before they–dun dun dun–get caught!

Just outside the tent, our heroes are in for an unfortunate reunion. It’s Captain Prick! Obviously, he recognizes them. “Hah! Now you really have become State spies!!!” the Prick says, and this game is laying on the irony Shakespeare-style today. He alerts the troops, and Barry and Jowy are forced yet again to run away from their former superior. But instead of running into the forest and shaking off their pursuers, they for some reason think it’s a good idea to hole up in one of the tents. Brilliant, guys. The tent they enter just happens to be the temporary home of one Princess Jillia Blight. You know, the one person in all of Highland who wouldn’t kill Barry and Jowy on the spot. Lucky them.

Fade out and in, when the Prick rushes into the tent. He introduces himself to Jillia and asks if he may please search the tent for a couple of homosexual State spies. Jillia refuses several times, until the Prick goes away. Well, that was cool of her. Too bad it was also completely transparent. Barry and Jowy come out from their hiding place on Jillia’s curtained bed. How many yaoi fanfics have been written about that, I wonder. Jillia walks away from them, which makes Jowy nervous, but she’s only fetching some tea like the good subservient woman she is. She asks them to have a seat and relax, since they’ll be there for a while, but requests that Jowy put away his knife. “Or perhaps that’s acceptable behavior in the City-State?” she says, though we know she recognizes them as Highlanders. Whatever, Jillia.

Sure enough, she does recognize them from their brief meeting in Kyaro. Jillia wonders if Barry and Jowy still haven’t forgiven Highland for how they were treated. Barry assures her that someday they will forgive. “Good…..” she replies, as though Barry just told her the Niners won on Sunday. Jowy, bless his little heart, asks the question I’ve been thinking: “What are you doing in this place?” Really, is it usual for a princess like her to be camped out with the soldiers? She asks if they know of her brother, Prince Adolf. “He’s a fiendish monster,” Barry answers, getting a reproach from Jowy. What, is the truth too delicate for Jillia’s virgin ears? Please. Jillia agrees with Barry, though. Hey, it’s indirect character development time! Adolf, according to Jillia, keeps pushing for war even though the citizens want peace. Furthermore, he’s planning something “truly evil” (go figure!) and she’s trying to stop him. But she knows she can’t, because Adolf doesn’t listen to anyone, even his sister. And just so we’re clear on Jillia’s spineless nature, she adds: “As a princess and a woman, I’m limited in what I can do….” Wow, it makes me wonder how videogame fandom can be so full of chauvinist assholes when we see such shining examples of feminism in the games themselves! I think I’ll just stop this recap and go bake some cookies for my man now.

I’m kidding. Get your asses back here.

Jillia apologizes for yammering on for so long, and suggests that they leave, since all is quiet outside. Barry can either say “You’re right,” or “The tea was delicious.” He chooses the latter. Her response? “Farewell. I do not think we will meet again…….” Good job on programming in different responses for different dialogue choices, Konami.