As any guide will tell you–even the mind-blowingly lazy and error-filled official one–this is a crucial juncture. To have any hope of riding off into this lovely sunset with Jowy, Barry cannot attack him. So he stands there and defends as Jowy, increasingly frustrated at Barry’s smug pacifism, takes several blows from his staff. After a few rounds, during which thankfully Jowy never uses a wild attack and gets his shit wrecked by Barry accidentally, the duel ends. “Why….why have you come all this way…only to decide now not to fight?” The deep root flaw of Jowy’s thinking is right there for all of us to see, and it’s pretty sad, guys. He thinks Barry hoofed it all the way here, alone, with the sun going down over a waterfall, to FIGHT Jowy. What has happened to the gentle boy Barry fell in love with? He replies, simply, “There’s no reason to fight you.” I mean, punch him in the face to make a point, maybe. Shake him by the shoulders, for sure. But fight to the death? Why ruin such a perfect evening?

“There IS a reason…..” Jowy insists. “To remove any trace of the Highland Kingdom from this land… Agares Blight and [Adolf Hitler] are already dead, and I’ve put Jillia to rest with my own hands…. I’m the last living Blight….. Cut the Blight bloodline once and for all or there will always be fanatics who’ll try to revive the Highland Kingdom…..” He…knows he’s not a blood royal, right? I need to know that he knows that. Also, he is possibly overselling how much anyone was attached to this particular kingdom. “After all, sometimes hope can drive people to madness…” he lectures. God, Barry is starting to remember why he was maybe well shot of this guy. “Let’s make our war the last war ever to plague this land…..” This is embarrassing. I am a time traveler and I regret to inform you there will be AT LEAST one more war around here! Spurred on by your buddy Leon’s fucking grandkids!

This leads into another duel, and Barry is still slightly smarting from the last few thwacks he took from Jowy. It doesn’t even feel sexy when it’s like this! Jowy Atreides: Mood Killer. Again, Barry refuses to fight back, and is now down to less than a quarter of his life bar. I really hope there isn’t a third duel or the mood won’t be the only thing Jowy kills.

“Barry…………” Jowy sighs, defeated (I guess?) a second time. “I was always jealous of you. There’s something about you… Always so strong…and gentle…” Yes, we know Barry is a generous and intense lover. And? “That’s all that I ever wanted…to be loved by everyone just like you were…. And that’s why…….” That’s why he made himself a treasonous pariah in one country and ran the other one into the ground! The perfect plan! Did his also involve the Moon Bird Recipe?

Whatever Jowy was actually going to say there–probably some more pop philosophizing about permanently ending war by having a really really big bloody one–he drops to his knees before he can get it out, clutching his chest and letting his staff clatter to the ground. “JOWY!!!!!” Barry screams at my command, easily the most emotional he’s ever been about anything, including his sister leaping between him and a bunch of flying arrows. When Jowy raises his head to speak, his sprite is trembling, and he has one last brand-new portrait, in which he looks like he’s detoxing from heroin. It turns out, this isn’t that far off the mark: “I…I used too much power…..” he tells Barry. “The Beast Rune that [Adolf] tried to free…..I had to….use my…’Black Sword Rune’ to stop it….” So he used the flat edge of the Black Tar Sword Rune like a rolled-up newspaper to whap the Beast Rune across the nose, and did this so hard he’s now dying. Leknaat did not put this in the True Rune manual.

Jowy notes that their two runes fit together (I don’t need to draw you a diagram) to form a single True Rune, “But…if you use it by itself…it takes your life….” And yet he made the decision to continue going it alone and resisting reconciliation, knowing this, and knowing that their combined rune probably could have solved this problem. Jowy is smart and makes good decisions. “Barry……… I’m going to die anyway… So…I give you…my life…so the two can become one again… Barry…your right hand…” The uptick in ellipses certainly backs up Jowy’s claim, but Barry is still not giving up on his man, now or ever. Refused once, Jowy tries a different tack: “Barry….I…I’m sorry…I can’t stand it anymore….. All the lives that I stole… All the people I hurt….” Oh, now someone has regrets! Barry refuses to fall for this. Hell, even if he didn’t give a shit about Jowy anymore, he knows a test he’s being set up to fail when he sees one. Jowy, the devil of temptation in this scenario, is now desperate, and appeals to their shared ideals of, uh, doing it? I would say “ending war” but I think we’ve covered that ground. “Please…I beg of you…don’t let our dream…have been in vain…..” Barry has to turn him down a third, and fourth, time. Turning down Jowy for anything is hard for him, and he appreciates your concern at this time.

Just as Jowy is repeating to Barry that he’s going to die anyway, he starts to glow with a shimmering golden light. A beat later Barry is glowing too, his right hand reached out toward Jowy. I hope his rune isn’t taking Jowy-murdering matters into its own metaphorical hands, given that this is exactly what Jowy was asking him to do. “The rune…..” Jowy breathes. “This power….. It’s healing my body…..” He does know what the Bright Shield Rune does, right? Has Jowy really been this self-centered this entire time? The symbols for the Black Sword Rune and Bright Shield Rune blaze in the air around their two bearers, complete with unifying ting! sound, and between them materializes, not a combined Ending the Cold Truth of War™ Rune, but…fucking Leknaat. Excuse me, lady, but there’s only room around here for one creepy broad peeping on this emotional reunion between two lovers. Step off.

Leknaat wastes no time with the exposition: “The ‘Rune of Beginning’….. It only appears when the holders of the two runes face each other in combat. Just as when this world was first born…… Barry…..even so…..you chose not to fight…. That spirit…and the spirit of the 108 Stars of Destiny… They have called forth the power of the True Rune of Beginning…” If I’m reading this correctly, Barry could have created the Rune of Beginning by slaying Jowy and establishing dominance over both runes, but it would have been some weak, watered-down version compared to the True Rune of Reaching Out to the Truth only achievable via filling out some stone tablets, getting his fourth-level spell, and not murdering his soulmate? Cool. Cool cool cool.

Also, does this mean the only reason Han and Genkaku were unable to unite their runes in love and shared purpose, even though it doesn’t seem like either one ever harmed the other in combat, was that they ended up not living together? Would none of this have happened at all if Han had been fine with adopting those two cute kids and founding a dojo?

“Barry…..” Leknaat goes on, sounding a little bit like Jowy, “just as I thought, you are a strong man…. Please go…. Barry, Jowy the world is still mostly unknown to you, overflowing with new things….. There’s no reason for you to stay in these lands.” Well, Jowy for one would be arrested and tried as a war criminal if he did, right? That seems reason enough to bail. Jowy sure thinks so, and also I guess now feels bad for spending the last several months (?) being a wad. “But….I…I murdered people with my own two hands…Lady Anabelle, [Adolf Hitler] and all those soldiers…. My sins are heavy…..” Interesting that he still places Adolf’s death higher on his sin ledger than Agares’s, which was directly his doing and definitely less justifiable morally. Also, if we’re throwing in the slaughter of a bunch of redshirts, Barry is right up there with you, dude. “And they will not disappear so long as you live,” Leknaat tells him. “But I believe you’re strong enough to go on and make this world a better place.” Girl, I guess so. I’m mostly in this for Barry getting his happy ending, and am not even close to convinced that Jowy deserves any kind of redemption on his own merit, but Leknaat bubbles on out of there before Jowy can further argue that he sucks. I for one am jealous of her ability to literally vanish from the presence of men who can’t stop talking.

Barry and Jowy, alone again, stand and stare at each other for a long moment, their promise rock between them. Finally, Jowy says, “The man called Jowy Blight has no place in this world anymore….” I would be giddy at him taking Barry’s name, except I don’t actually know what that name would be. Suikoden characters are like women pro wrestlers: some of them do have last names, but most of them don’t, and it seems pretty arbitrary who gets one and who doesn’t. “But I can forget this land, forget the name Jowy, and maybe…I can start again….” Oh, me me me. Jesus Christ, kiss your man already, dumbass!

Barry’s impatient for some hardcore reconciliation, so he’s like, “Yeah, of course, just come here, baby,” but has to wait for Jowy to mansplain some more about the significance of this rock and their portentous promise before he decides, “Let’s go…..Barry….. Let’s make this place the beginning of our journey…..” And he joins the party! With his original portrait and everything! And the Black Sword Rune still, for…reasons? And without even crushing Barry in a fierce hug, let alone something a little more adult and satisfying to certain sad ladies who shall remain nameless? Whatever, it’s fine. Everything is fine. What, in fact, could be better?

Well.

Barry and Jowy depart the former boy scout camp together. Jowy wonders aloud how differently their lives would have gone if they hadn’t run away that night. So, the correct answer is, “Pretty differently, because Adolf Hitler would have murdered you,” but a surprise guest is here to provide a more poetic hypothetical. “Then we’d have problems,” Shu says, “because without you two, we wouldn’t have peace in this land.” Barry is trembling with suppressed delight mixed with fear–will his two men get along? Is it possible he could–eep–have a triad brewing?!

Shu, to my disappointment, is not rolling a suitcase behind him, ready to travel the world with his two new husbands. I mean, he might need time to get his business affairs in order. I’m not giving up. Not even when Shu says, “Lord Barry, So you’re leaving, eh….” Just ask him to stay! He has a million fucking potch and Jowy literally has no standing to be mad at him for any reason for at least 20 years! You can all figure this out! Anyway, since they are in no way having the conversation I wish they were having, Shu laments that Barry is not staying to lead Creatively Named Barry Country, but adds, “But I won’t try to stop you. You’ve certainly paid your dues and then some. We could ask no more of you.” Boy fucking howdy. “Go out there and see the world, feel the world. It’s still a big world to you.” It sounds a lot more sexual coming from Shu than it did from Leknaat. I can’t imagine why I think so. “And I hope that when you’re finished with your journey, one day you’ll come back.” He’ll be back at least monthly. Daddy needs to keep things spicy.

This seems like a bunch of shit Shu could have said to Barry back at HoYay Castle, so either he just wanted to assert himself and his claims in front of Jowy like the alpha he is, or he’s got something else to say. It can be both, but it definitely is the latter. He apologizes, and is willing to be “punished,” goddamn, for keeping this information a secret until now, but says, “When Nanami fell…in the Matilda Knightdom….”

Shu’s confession comes in the form of a flashback to everyone clustered outside Dr. Huan’s office and Flik having a big-ass freakout on Barry’s behalf. But this time, when Huan asks Shu to step inside the office for a word, we follow them and see…oh shit, Nanami is a zombie! Look out Huan, she might bite you!!!

Of course, Nanami is in fact perfectly alive. “Sir Shu…….” she starts, sounding apologetic. Shu walks over to her bed, and then turns to the doctor. “Oh….Doctor Huan,” he says. Yeah, this is a man who did not want this shit on his head at all. Nanami makes it clear this is all on her and she asked Huan to lie out there. “Something on your mind?” Shu asks, because again, boy fucking howdy. “Yes……. I…I…I’m thinking about getting away from Barry for a while.” She’s just SO SICK OF HIS SHIT. He never shuts up! Shu’s all, “…..Barry will be saddened to hear that,” like there’s some version of this where he walks back out there and says, “Just so you know, Lord Barry, before she VERY MUCH DIED, FOR REAL, Nanami kind of needed a break from you and taking an arrow through her liver was a relief.” Nanami is still apologetic, like she owes this dude fucking anything, but explains, “But it’s hard for me. Barry and Jowy fighting….. Also it’s hard for me to see Barry in pain….. When there were arrows raining down on us and Barry tried to shield me with his body, I realized it…. Barry shouldn’t do such a thing. He’s too important for that…..” Shu agrees. This has to be the first time they’ve ever agreed on anything, and it’s “Barry shouldn’t leap in front of arrows.” Better than nothing.

And this is why, Nanami says, “I’m going to let you have him all to yourself for a while.” This is absolutely code for some other stuff Nanami doesn’t feel up to discussing about her baby brother, and Shu doesn’t press the issue, keeping his naked victory dance confined to his mind. He instead asks what Nanami will do, and she says she’s going back to “Grandpa Genkaku’s house,” a place she has determined from nothing and probably incorrectly is “safe.” I mean, whatever, girl can take care of herself, but it’s amazing nobody blurted this out to Barry when he showed up there. “Besides…” she says, “when this is all over, that kid will need a place to return home to. Right?” Shu doesn’t break it to her at this point that he and the bloodsucking leeches of the City-States are already hatching the Barry Country Action Plan and fully intend to keep him here until he either dies of True Rune exhaustion or he is impeached for appointing a bunch of caped squirrels to run his Treasury Department. Not knowing this, Nanami asks Shu to keep this conversation a secret, until Barry is ready to come home. When Shu wonders why she would ask this of him, the living person at the very top of her shit list, Nanami says, “Because I figured if it’s you, you’d ‘never’ tell him until it was absolutely necessary…” This is true! I would have also thought that would mean he would never divulge it, and would have happily gone to the grave hoarding Barry to himself. But as we learned when Shu pledged his services based on a coin he never actually threw into a river, the man’s word is his bond, and here he is now.

“And so…that’s it…..” Shu says. “And those are my final words to you as your strategist.” No, they’re not! These are: “Take good care of yourself, Lord Barry.” He’ll also have some other words for him, later, but not as his strategist, and not for pervs like me to hear. Maybe Jowy can hear them, too, if he leans in real close.

Barry and Jowy blink at each other in dawning recognition as the scene fades. With the Theme of Chosen Family Life Albeit with Two Fewer Husbands Than Ideal still playing, we flash to the two of them entering Kyaro, and then dashing at top speed for Genkaku’s dojo. When they arrive, Nanami is standing in front of the doors with her back to them, but hears them thundering up the walkway and flies toward them, arms outstretched. I am bawling again. In this moment, everything is good. The sun is shining, and Facebook doesn’t exist, and there isn’t one singular, narcissistic asshole taking up the entire world’s collective attention 24 hours a day. We are only in this universe, where Nanami is okay, and Jowy is okay, and love is real.

While I sit here and hum contentedly, we are treated to a short montage of the reunited trio (not a triad, thanks) preparing for their journey of the world like all the “adults” seemed to demand of them if they’re going to shirk their real responsibilities. Nanami says one last goodbye to Grandpa Genkaku’s penis headstone. Jowy peers over the gates at his family’s home but doesn’t go in to say goodbye, which again is probably for the best given that he’s wanted for war crimes, but Nanami still seems surprised about it. And then the three of them, with adorable backpacks (Nanami’s looks more like a hobo bindle), leave Kyaro, Nanami whistling a tune and being a weirdo while Barry and Jowy run after her.

Some time later, somewhere in Harmonia, Jowy watches through yet another gate as Lassie waters a potted plant under Jillia’s watchful eye. He walks away from this opulent brick manse too, Barry right behind him. Nanami lingers a little bit before following them, as she definitely wants to see Lassie again more than Jowy does (which is to say, not at all so much), but she’s sick of these two running off to bushes and making her watch their stuff. But they’re not so fast to leave that Lassie doesn’t notice and run toward the gate, only surely to be disappointed yet again that Jowy has abandoned her. Jillia doesn’t bother moving from her spot, but she does stand up enough to show me her hot new pink ren faire look. I want it.

Lastly, Barry and Nanami are walking together across a bridge somewhere in the northern mountains, with Jowy running to catch up. It’s weird that on these brief glimpses of their road trip, at no point can all three of them walk at the same pace. They should work on that! They have all the time in the world, though!

(Not going to think about Nanami not having a True Rune. Don’t bring it up. I won’t hear you.)

We leave Barry, Jowy, and Nanami for now, to take a look at what all the other fuckers Barry had to spend time with get up to in their post-war endeavors. I am not going to cover every single one of the people in the Yaoi Army yearbook, because 1) I am still crying over Nanami, 2) we already know what happens to some of them, and 3) a lot of them are deeply fucking boring. But, we’ll hit the highlights. We start with the Greenhill folks: while Teresa of course stays on as mayor since she promised she’d breathe this air again or whatever, Shin peaces out to “sharpen his skills as a swordsman” and clearly decides life is better without Lady Teresa anywhere in it. On to the Musians, Big Gay Fitcher becomes the Big Gay Mayor of Muse and, while it says Jess lives as a “normal citizen” after being the mayor, we can assume everyone pretends he died and happily ignores his existence for the rest of his rat-faced life.

Marlowe, we learn, “Founded a library in Tinto City and taught many children the love of learning.” I will be over here, barfing into this trash can. Koyu is perhaps one of his victims! His siblings do not care!

A brief interlude shows a crowd at HoYay enjoying the entertainment of the Carny Trio and Annallee’s Band of Brothers Who Make Out. Sheena is really mad at the tarot reading she gets from Rina, probably because it tells her she’s going to grow up to be as big an asshole as her dad. This leads to the welcome news that while Eilie “often thinks of Barry,” she and her siblings return to the traveling road show life. So she doesn’t somehow catch up to him. That’s good. It is implied the band joins this world tour, and I hope Eilie and Annallee bond over their similar-sounding names and get to know themselves, and each other. Like that. Tai Ho returns to Kaku “and his life of ribaldry and moral turpitude,” which makes him sound so much cooler than he is. Tomo is apparently successful in nagging her dad into getting back together with her mom, though we do not hear from Mrs. Tsai how she feels about this arrangement, and I’m guessing, sadly, nobody cares about her opinion.

Another interlude! In this one, Ridley is trying to rally the troops of Two River, and while his kobold soldiers are disciplined and silent, the trio of wingers in the back row are horsing around until Ridley stomps back there to yell at them. Imagine being less attentive and more fidgety than a group of dogs. Imagine. This leads us to the Two River gang, and the less-than-shocking news that Cocko and Sid are not among these dedicated militiamen–instead, Cocko is “stirring up lots of trouble with his pals” (i.e., is a delinquent asshole), and Sid is living in the sewers and scaring the shit out of people again. The winds of change, and so on. Gilderoy Lockheart and Oulan stay on as the castle armorer and chief of bodyguards, respectively, though it would be fun if they switched jobs once in a while. Wakaba is “Training daily with her teacher, her goal is to beat a bear with her bare hands.” Do you know how many attempts it took me to type that sentence? Jesus.

Yet another interlude shows a group of weirdos surrounding Gadget, who looks like a cornered cat, until he transforms behind a black screen and suddenly is seven feet tall and has long robot limbs and Meg sitting on his shoulder. I don’t know where Meg was, but I suspect she was inside the barrel, like the guy who played R2-D2. This says Meg “took off on an adventure to find Juppo,” and given that she had to have gotten pregnant with her daughter like REAL QUICK after this, I’m going to ignore how those particular dots connect. Hoi, it is implied, goes back to extremely bad identity theft after five minutes of trying to go legit. High Yo returns to Black Dragon Island “to lay flowers on the grave of Shun Min.” I enjoy how specific that is. Like, he doesn’t go back there to find himself and open a new restaurant or anything. He just goes to a grave one time. And then he dies five minutes later! It’s possible.

Millie, in another example of Suikoden III dropping the fucking ball, “Travelled to the Grasslands in search of a bride for Bonaparte.” Do you know how much I want to see Sarge drily comment on being swept into The Pygmy Warthog Bachelor? I’m mad about it. One last interlude shows us Flik and Bear, paying a nostalgic visit to Bear’s burnt-out fort (which seems less singed now), before shrugging like they’re not even sure why they’re here and leaving the way they came. They are brought up short by Tengaar, literally dragging Hix by the back of his shirt and again literally WAVING TO THE FUCKING CAMERA. What is happening here. Flik and Bear have a good guffaw at this explosion of the fourth wall, they shrug to each other again like they’ve decided they don’t mind being followed by these irritating teens, and all four of them…go back to the fort? These two need to make up their damn minds. And I hope Flik is really committed to not finding teenagers terminally obnoxious, because Nina soon dashes up the path after them. He’s going to kill himself for sure.

According to their non-obituaries, though, Flik and Bear do end up going on a journey together, as all lovers in this game clearly must, and Nina is too dumb or unathletic to keep up so she goes back to Greenhill waiting “for him to return,” which he never will. Tengaar, speaking of waiting for something that will come sometime after the heat death of the universe, is “waiting for Hix to propose.” Super! Great use of her time. Clive buries Elza, which is really the least he could do, and then takes over the Howling Voice Guild, having learned absolutely nothing from this woman he basically devoted his entire adult life to. That’s my boy!

Klaus stays on as a strategist at HoYay Castle, and while the text is cagey about what this means, Shu “continues to play a vital role in Yaoi.” Which, first, hee hee hee, and second, has to mean he and Klaus hook up. It’s canon and fuck you if you don’t like it. And while he surely thinks of his Yaoi Army husbands daily and makes sure to send them nudes whenever he’s got wifi, for Barry, “the smiles of Jowy and Nanami are his greatest treasures.” Aww!

While I’m letting the credits roll, and appreciating all the great work done on this game and how close it came to being ruined by the translation team, I just want to thank you all for hanging with me on this 16-year journey! This was my very first recap, back when I was a wee baby, and I’m so grateful I got to write about my favorite game and indulge in all its soapy relationship drama with all of you. It’s been a pleasure and I’ll miss it terribly. (Except for Tai Ho. Fuck him.) Bye!