At the scaffold, Captain Prick oversees the lashing of the two boys, which I’m sure Jowy is secretly enjoying, even though Barry isn’t the one whipping him. Barry calls the Prick a jerk. Snicker. The Prick looks off into the sunset (and therefore, so does the viewer) and exposits about how great his life is going to be now that he doesn’t have to babysit kids because he sucked up to the royal family. Barry and Jowy dying is going to have great significance to him and his career…hmm, maybe something’s going to happen to prevent that? Nah.
What? Are you mad? Excited? Horny? Help us out, here.
The Prick snaps back to attention with a Tightass-like “Huh?” as he sees all his troops on the ground, and Viktor and Flik freeing his prisoners. Why? Because they were Viktor’s prisoners first. Flik agrees with me that Viktor’s reason for coming to save them is incredibly lame. Viktor adds that Pohl begged them to come to the rescue. Ah, now I get it. Pohl has some boxes to push against the wall back at the fort, and he couldn’t bear the thought of doing it himself, like he did before he had prisoner slaves. I hate Pohl.
The Prick, meanwhile, runs away like a little bitch, making Viktor comment that he could have caught him three years ago. Keep telling yourself that, Viktor. Jowy asks Viktor and Flik if they can go save Nanami, who’s still being held in the Unicorn Brigade building. They arrive there just in time to see Nanami and Muku Ranger Red getting ready to bust some Highland ass. They mow down a line of troops first, and then Nanami threatens the next row of them with Grandpa Genkaku’s, and I quote, “Golden Bird Holy Flower Dragon Tooth Glory Punch.” Of course, she totally pulled that name out of her ass, but the Highland troops, nevertheless, take a page from their Captain and run away like little bitches, too. The kids are reunited, and Jowy wonders aloud if the Golden Bird Holy Flower Dragon Tooth Glory Punch is something Barry would like when they’re practicing with the tonfa. At least, he does in my sad imagination.
Punch who in the what now?
Just because I can, I stop to chat with a few NPCs before I escape Kyaro. The gossipy broads from before mention that Jowy might not even be Mr. Atreides’s son. I only mention it because it becomes important later. In the sense that anything that happens in an RPG plot could possibly be important. Moving on. The group reaches the town entrance when Nanami stops and asks Barry and Jowy if they’ll ever come back there. I don’t know why they’d want to, all things considered, but I guess home is home. Barry tells her that they’ll come back someday. And by someday, he means a long-ass time from now.
Back through North Sparrow Pass, except there’s no Mist Monster to fight this time. I won’t bore you with the details of my repeated–and vain–attempts to pick up a Double Beat Rune from the axe-wielding bunnies in the pass. One thing I’ve learned when it comes to RPGs: the strategy guide is a blessing and a curse. If you know where all the good rare items are, you’ll spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to make enemies drop them. Anyway. Flik and Viktor scare the crap out of the two guards at the entrance–they didn’t want a big guy like Viktor imposing on them like another character had done. Finally, the party makes it back to Viktor’s craptacular fort. Nanami makes it known that she thinks it’s craptacular, prompting Viktor to say “A kid can’t appreciate its greatness.” Insert your own out-of-context joke here. Jowy assumes they’re still prisoners, and he assumes correctly. But since Viktor is such a nice fellow–and isn’t just trying to get more free labor out of them–he says they can come and go as they please, provided they go and look for more recruits for his mercenary army. And the Pokémon aspect of the game officially begins.
Dumbass.
Now that Viktor’s fort is a headquarters of sorts, I wander around and talk to folks, take advantage of Barbara’s item storage service and, most importantly, talk to Pohl to rest up and save. It’s cool that Pohl has to do something for me now, but the implication is that my party sleeps in Pohl’s room. Ew.
‘Day One: Dropped soap in shower. Not nearly as bad as was made out to be.’
The first stop on my recruitment trip is Ryube Village. Right at the gate I “meet” someone, if your definition of “meet” is “kick to make sure he isn’t dead.” The bum in the dirt next to the inn is named Rikimaru, and he’s hungry. Since Barry is a charitable guy (just ask Jowy) he takes Rikimaru inside for some grub. 3000 potch worth of grub, the gluttonous son of a bitch. I begrudgingly pay the innkeeper, and now Rikimaru joins my goddamn party. I somehow think I would have rather had the potch.
No, you’re what I call a degenerate.
Next I find an obvious piece of fan service walking around the northeastern part of town. The 14-year-old Millie is dressed in a sailor suit, complete with goofy sailor hat and plenty of bare leg, and her eyes are as big as dinner plates. She asks for Barry’s help in finding her lost pet in the forest. Okay, whatever. It’s not like Barry or Jowy are going to be distracted by her assets. In the forest, Millie shouts gleefully–and if she were in polygons and not a sprite, I bet her boobs would have bounced along to the sound–when she spots a hideously ugly little creature that’s supposed to be a groundhog, but looks more like an albino snake that swallowed a guinea pig. It isn’t exactly happy to see her, so now we have another boss battle! Bonaparte (the “groundhog”) likes to grow to about seven times his normal size and swallow my party members. Thankfully, he isn’t too tough to beat, especially with Barry and Nanami’s unite, the Family Attack. The posse defeats Bonaparte, who jumps back into Millie’s arms. She says, “Thanks for helping me find Bonaparte. In return, I’ll go with you!” Jesus Christ, don’t these kids have parents?
Elsewhere in the forest, I find a very conspicuous bird’s nest on the ground, with a crying baby bird next to it. I have the option of putting the bird back in the nest, so I do, since Barry is a compassionate and sensitive guy (again, just ask Jowy). After I loot the forest for its limited bounty of medium-quality armor and accessories, I return to the site of the bird’s nest and find an archer in fruity clothing, accompanied by a white wolf. The wolf goes “Whoooooooooo!!!” at me. Fruity Clothes Guy, aka Kinnison, asks Barry if he’s responsible for returning the bird and the nest to the tree. Since he is, Kinnison thanks him and says Shiro (the wolf) was right. About what? That a guy you’ve never seen before who wears a red women’s robe, black spandex, a yellow scarf, and a tiara saved the baby bird? Okay. Kinnison says some vaguely hippie-ish stuff about the Highland army destroying the forest, and then blows his nature-loving façade by admitting he doesn’t like that they scare all his game away. I want to know how a hunter can get away with wearing bright clothing like that. Maybe it’s just his evening wear. Since we’re all for stopping the Highland army, Kinnison volunteers the services of himself and his large, badass pet. For the first time so far in this game, I’m happy with who I’ve recruited.
After a quick stopover in Pohl’s bedroom (*shudder*) we’re off again for recruiting, this time to Toto Village to the northwest. At the inn, I come across a man, and again, I use that word loosely, dressed in a Lawrence of Arabia-type getup. When Barry and Nanami talk to him, he makes it clear that his time is too precious to talk to gay teenagers and their tomboy sisters, because he is the almighty Zamza. Not if I can help it–his new name is Lawrence of Assholia. Nanami tells Barry that Lawrence wouldn’t be useful to them anyway, and they turn to leave. Lawrence sputters and goes out of his way to convince them of how powerful, charismatic, and good-looking he is. Sorry, Lawrence, even Barry isn’t gay enough for you. Unfortunately, I have to drag his bedsheet-wearing ass along with me. At least he and Pohl ought to get along.