Later that evening, Jowy attempts take two of his great escape. Using the spoon that Pohl got for him, he jimmies the door open. Once upstairs, he takes an extra flint that Barry had from errand #2 and uses it to light the rag from errand #3 on fire. This distracts the bumbling idiot guards, and they go up another floor to the balcony, where they escape the fort using the rope from errand #1. Ah HA! Take that, Pohl! Your stupid chores allowed me to escape! The burn of poetic justice!

Outside the fort, Jowy second-guesses whether they should return to Kyaro, as it could be dangerous. No shit, Sherlock. Barry insists that they go back, and Jowy agrees, since “[Barry’s] sister Nanami is waiting for [him] there.” Jowy. We get it. Nanami is Barry’s sister. Got it. No, seriously.

Before heading for Kyaro, Barry and Jowy stop in Ryube. They stumble upon what looks like a traveling circus. One young lady, fresh off the cover of Barely Legal magazine, is reading tarot cards, while a huge, blond version of Andre the Giant gets oohs and aahs from his fire-breathing act. Barry and Jowy walk closer to see what the fuss is about, when Barry gets marked out by the second young lady, who also looks like she could have been on the cover of Barely Legal, except according to her age in the strategy guide, she isn’t legal. This girl, Eilie, pulls Barry to the front of the crowd as a “volunteer” for her act. She also takes the opportunity to remark on how cute he is. Look surprised. Jowy bounces up and down in anxiety, worried that someone other than him might get to make a man out of our hero. Eilie ties Barry’s hands behind his back, earning more anxious fretting from Jowy. Barely Legal, whose name is Rina, stops her card reading and all goes silent for the main attraction. Bolgan (who will remain Andre the Giant) presents Eilie the Knife-Thrower, but he screws up the lines, earning himself a tongue-lashing (ew, not like that!) from Eilie. He tries again: “The Beautiful and Famous Knife-Thrower Eilie! Feast your eyes on her magnificent face and form!” I, along with Jowy, snort derisively at this. Rina warns Barry to stay still, since Eilie’s actually not very good at this knife-throwing thing. Well, don’t worry about him–I’m sure his magical (and not gay at all) tiara will save him from any fatal knife blows. I decide to test this theory by making Barry move “a little bit to the right” on the final throw. Eilie, of course, goes spastic and nails him between the eyes. But Rina’s “good medicine” heals him right up. Sure.

Everyone makes with the introductions and they find out they’re all headed for Kyaro Town. How convenient. Unfortunately, there’s supposedly a Mist Monster in North Sparrow Pass, so no one can get through. Rina suggests that they travel together, and I make Barry say “It’s a pleasure to travel with such a beautiful lady.” Jowy seethes in jealousy. In the battle formation, I put Eilie right behind Barry, because it’s cute and it also makes Jowy jealous. I have no life.

The party heads north to the pass and is promptly cut off by two City-State guardsmen. No one can pass, they say, because of the Mist Monster. Jowy, Eilie, and Andre make pathetic attempts to change the guards’ minds, but Rina goes for a more realistic approach. She asks to have a “talk” with the senior guard and leads him away. Some time later–we know it’s some time later, because of the standard screen blackout–they return, and the guard hastily allows them to go. Eilie goggles suspiciously at her sister, while Jowy completely fails to get what has happened. When asked what she “did” to the guy, Rina insists that they had an “adult conversation” and that’s all. Now, I’ve seen people on message boards who honestly believe Rina didn’t jump the guard’s bones in the bushes. Come on, people. The “Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?” music even plays during the scene. She. Screwed. The. Guard. JESUS. I’m amazed that Jowy doesn’t see what’s going on, considering how often he’s wanted that music to play in a scene with him and Barry.

I maneuver the party through North Sparrow Pass, fighting bunnies with axes, bandits in fruity head scarves, McDonald’s Fry Kids, and bright green wolf creatures along the way. What kind of crack were these monster designers smoking, anyway? When the party reaches the Mist Monster, Jowy says, “Barry…here it comes…” I giggle.

I’m sure glad that water was delicious, and not stagnant.

The Mist Monster–or Mist Shade, as it is called in battle–is a depressingly easy first boss battle, even though it has the Dreaded Double Form. Its first form looks like a generic devil formed out of cloud matter, and its second form is, as I’m sure you could guess, a cloud-shaped set of huge tits. When are boss monsters going to stop having big boobs? How tacky. Barry and Co. beat the Mist Shade with authority and head on out of the pass. Eilie inches closer to Barry, not-so-eager to part ways with our girlish hero. Jowy, on the other hand, can’t wait to get back to Kyaro, where the only female threat to his relationship with Tonfa Boy is his sister.

And here we’ll end this recap, as I find a convenient save point. Will the Prick and Prince Adolf be the end of our boys? Will Barry reunite with Nanami? Will we finally get to see squirrels in superhero capes? And most importantly, will Jowy ever get any? Answers to these questions in the next installment!