Anyway. I’m sure if I stared at this map enough the entire story would unravel, so let’s just move on. Other than allowing Barry to get his musk on, the trading post is predictably hard up, though their list price for gold is 40,000 potch. I’m sure at some point that will make it worthwhile to come here again, and it would probably be the only thing that could do that. A Suikoclone sitting at a table tells Barry that he can get gold cheap in Tinto. Goddamn, that is a long way to go for money. And by the time Barry will be able to make that trip, 40,000 potch will probably only pay for one new sharpening of his tonfa. Blacksmiths are assholes.

YES!

What did I say about this not becoming too big a distraction? Jesus, self. It’s going to be bad enough without two paragraphs about a fucking trading post. So, the dominant gossip in this sad little town is about an urchin named Kent who has befriended a dragon knight. Even those who don’t specifically tell Barry this can’t shut up about Kent in general. Since NPCs don’t talk about this kind of thing without it coming up again, it doesn’t take long for us to see this play out first-hand. When Barry enters the inn, he is bumped into by none other than Futch, the emo dragon knight with the faux-dirty name. Futch is in a hurry and barrels out the door without so much as an apology. Barry quickly confirms that he still has his wallet before shrugging him off as a rude (albeit somewhat cute) little jerk with wings on his head. When Barry walks further into the inn, he overhears the innkeeper addressing a blond man in green and yellow who is literally staring at a corner like he’s in time out. The innkeeper chirpily tries to strike up a conversation. “There you are, Sir Humphrey! Say, would you like to go outside where it’s warmer?” Yes, this is that Humphrey, and he’s still not much of a talker. He does convey in his few words that he’s sorry to still be staying here, like she’s letting him stay here for free out of the goodness of her heart. The innkeeper says as much, adding, “It’s Harmonia you’re heading for, Sir Humphrey? I guess the roads are closed because of the war…” Humphrey affirms this with an entirely unnecessary amount of ellipses. With that, the innkeeper returns to the counter.

Barry is intrigued by Humphrey, partially because it sounds like he’s a knight and would therefore be a helpful recruit for the army, but almost entirely because he’s muscular and has nice cheekbones. So he, too, tries to engage Humphrey in small talk. As Humphrey continues to not say much of anything, we fade to a scene outside between Futch and another kid who turns out to be the famous Kent. They’re meeting behind some hay bales in between two fences, so this may be their secret makeout spot. Futch, suitably, is pouty because Kent is late. Kent apologizes, saying he had to do chores and help his mom. Futch is all “Chores…..?” because he’s a dragon knight, get it, they don’t have chores. Yuk yuk. So with the niceties out of the way, Kent wants to know about important shit, like what flavor of lip gloss Futch likes best whether Futch was a dragon knight. What? Really? So they’ve been friends long enough that everyone is talking about how Kent is hanging out with a dragon knight, but Kent doesn’t bother confirming that fact until now? Is this conversation literally being staged for my benefit? “Huh?” Futch says, because really, guys, come on. “Uh, yeah… Ninth Rank, though. Just a Dragon Knight Apprentice.” I get the feeling the dragon knights capitalize everything related to themselves. Next, Kent wants to know if Futch has flown, because even though they’re friends, they’ve never talked about anything until this moment. But as we know, Futch has indeed flown. “I was born in a Dragon Cave!” he enthuses. “I’ve spent more time in the skies than on the ground!” I know what he means, but making a point about how much time he’s spent in the sky because he was born in a cave is kind of funny.

As proof that he’s not full of shit, Futch shows Kent a “Dragon Scale” (ugh with these caps), and even reluctantly lets Kent borrow it to show to his mom. See, it’s important to him because it’s from his dragon, Black. I should probably mention this before we go on, since this happens at the ass end of Suikoden and there was probably no way Jeanne would get to it before I did here. So–SPOILER ALERT AND SHIT!!!–Black died thanks to Windy and The Cold Truth of War™. And now Futch is the lamest excuse ever for a Dragon Knight and had to leave his Dragon Cave, where he learned to Fly on a Dragon, or something. He and Humphrey are on a quest to find him a new dragon. Kent, not picking up on Futch’s emo sprite body language, thinks that that’s just swell, since then he’ll have a new dragon and everything will be awesome again, and Futch will let him ride it and everything. Futch realizes what a turn-on that might be, so he replies, “If… If I get a new Dragon [ugh!], Kent, you’ll be the first person I give a ride to.” Oh, I bet.

The Black Screen of Two Underage Boys Maybe Kissing transitions us back to Barry and Humphrey. Barry, bless his heart, is still trying to get Humphrey to talk to him, but the game only gives him the killer conversational options “So, uh… Where are you from?” and “Weather sure is nice today, huh?” Oh God, the weather? This poor kid is never going to get any. The most Barry can get out of Humphrey, even with open innuendo (see the caption), is that he’s going to Harmonia to look for dragons. Maybe because she sympathizes with Barry and wants to give him an out to this disaster, the innkeeper walks over. “Well, it looks like you two were having quite a talk,” she lies to spare our hero’s feelings. “So, would you like to stay here tonight?” Barry kind of wants to run out of the inn and hope he never runs into Humphrey again, but he accepts. Humphrey walks away, barely pausing to mutter to the innkeeper, who informs Barry, “Mr. Humphrey said talking to you was ‘nice…..’ To express his gratitude, he paid for your lodgings tonight.” Wait, did Barry really make an impression? Is this so they can have a late-night booty call? Or is this out of pity? God, he is not good at this singles stuff at all.

Awesome.

Barry needs to clear his head after that avalanche of mixed signals, so he walks outside, just in time to spy Kent talking to a Suikoclone in a straw hat. The man tells Kent, “Rakutei Mountain is a long ways north of here, but my friend went there and said he heard a dragon! And my wife’s brother said he saw a dragon’s shadow in the clouds!” Anybody else would probably tell this guy that he’s shoveling a pile of bullshit, no matter what his secret lover brother-in-law said, but Kent is so keyed up to find a dragon for his new boyfriend that he takes it all seriously, and worse, runs off to see it for himself. Well after Kent is offscreen, the farmer yells about Rakutei Mountain being full of monsters, but he doesn’t try anything rash like running after him or making any effort to stop him. Barry heads back inside the inn and talks to Humphrey, who asks, “Did he go somewhere…?” Barry replies, “Yeah… Let’s go.” Given that Barry doesn’t really know about the whole Futch/Kent thing at this point, I have no idea what they’re talking about, but let’s just go with it. At that exact moment, Futch storms in. “Where did that Kent kid go?” he whines. “He isn’t at home… Geez, I guess we’ll have to wait ’til tomorrow.” Wait for what, I wonder, but I can fill it in with my dirty imagination. Futch goes to bed, and suddenly Humphrey doesn’t seem that eager to talk or to go anywhere, so Barry lets the innkeeper escort him to his room and the Black Screen of Implied Buttfucking.

They’re taking all the sport out of this for me.

The next morning, what I can only hope is a refreshed and satisfied Barry struts downstairs. Several of the townsfolk are gathered around the innkeeper, and Futch is fretting because Kent didn’t go home last night. Well, he could have been screwing around with Futch upstairs, but we know it’s because he took off to Rakutei. The farmer Suikoclone, knowing that he screwed up bigtime, tries to quietly leave the room, but Barry narcs on him. Once they have the whole story out of the guy, Futch and Humphrey decide to go after him, and of course Barry agrees to come along. What’s that? Miklotov? Is that a brand of vodka?

Yeah. ‘Friend.’

Barry tells Oulan and Clive to find their own fucking way home to make room for Humphrey and Futch, and the group takes off for Mount Rakutei. I’m spelling it out instead of using the “Mt.” abbreviation because, hee, “mount.” Once there, Hump–I keep mistyping his full name and “hump” is all Barry can think when he looks at him–is concerned about the seemingly magical fog shrouding the path. Futch prays to his stupid dead dragon, and on cue Barry’s Bright Shield Rune goes off on its own, dissipating the mist. Thankfully, Futch recognizes it for what it was and doesn’t mumble any stupid ellipses-ridden bullshit about Black. The two of them pile back into Barry and the party starts up the mountain in earnest.

Mount Rakutei is a pretty good illustration of the patented dungeon exploration tactic, “find the treasure chests and then go the other way.” Unlike some other dungeons in games–fucking Cathedral Ship–there are no wasted paths here, just treasure and the Right Way. And it’s worth it to check all those other paths, since the loot is good, even though it means extra bouts of random battles with muscular eagle men in jockstraps, pink pixies in spandex pants, robot assassins (don’t look at me), and what I can only describe as deadly hover ferrets. The eagle men enjoy picking up a party member and flying off with him or her for the duration of the battle, probably back to their rape van with a picture of themselves airbrushed on it.

These guys seem legit.

Barry finds a save crystal near the top of the mountain, which is usually a clear sign of an impending boss battle, but he is still all cocky from getting laid last night and brazenly neglects to check over his battle companions or heal them up beforehand. This means that the boss battle I’m about to describe is a total shitshow that takes Barry two attempts. Bear and Hump would make fun of our hero, but they can’t because they’re fucking dead at the time.

So for no reason, the big bad monster at the top of Mount Rakutei, hovering over that little idiot Kent’s body, is a harpy. Like most harpies, she has naked boobs, albeit with no nipples. Awesome idea, you guys–let’s put tits on a bird, when birds don’t produce milk. But when we realize this contradiction, instead of getting rid of them, let’s just take off the nipples. Good work today–let’s go snort coke off a cosplayer’s stomach.

The thing that makes this fight suck is that the harpy can attack twice per round. She apparently has a Wind Rune because she’s got two all-enemies wind spells that she likes to use basically every turn. Barry and Nanami are both more than capable of healing through this shit, assuming everybody starts at full, but I believe I went over why I’m a blockhead Barry’s hubris got in the way. But on the second try, the group takes care of business and beats the harpy, despite Futch, with his lack of runes and shitty little spear, being worse than useless.

I feel great about my gaming skills.

Now that there’s no deformed lady-parts harpies in the way, the group checks on Kent. He’s fine other than a twisted ankle, and still insists that there is a dragon on this mountain. Making up for Futch’s lack of stupidity earlier, Kent goes on, “Look, it’s Black’s scale, the charm Futch gave to me! When I prayed to it, the mist lifted! So there must be a dragon here!” Even if that were how it happened that’s pretty spurious logic, but it would be stupid to have come all this way and not at least take a look. Futch is skeptical and emo, but Hump agrees with Kent and drags his charge forward.

Sure as shit, on the next screen the group finds a dragon egg surrounded by a pit of what looks to be boiling cement. Kent is all happy that he was right, even though he obviously heard the mother, not the unhatched fucking egg. Sigh. But Futch says with a pout, “Dragons only lay their eggs in Dragon Caves.” Well, apparently not, dipshit. I mean, I guess it could be the harpy’s egg, but we know it isn’t, so shut up, Futch. Kent is oblivious to Futch’s lack of enthusiasm and makes up for it with plenty of his own (that means exclamation marks) because Futch is gonna be a dragon knight again, yay! And then he’ll start capitalizing every word of every sentence!

BARRY used Thunderbolt! It is super effective!

Hump takes a look at the egg and says, “Captain Joshua of the Dragon Knights told me once… Even though dragons only lay eggs in Dragon Caves, once in a while a ‘wild dragon’ appears… If we could find out why, we could probably breed new types of dragons.” So one random slutty dragon lays her egg outside, and suddenly it’s the key to the evolution of the species? How would you get “new types” out of that? Hump goes on, “I was headed to the ‘Great Shrine’ in Crystal Valley to try to find out more about that, but…. But I never expected that in a place like this….”

So let me get this straight. Futch’s dragon dies. Futch gets kicked out of the dragon cave until he can get a new one, even though it seems like all the lowly Dragon Knight Apprentices Rank Buttfuck think that dragon caves are the only places one could find dragons in the first place, so just staying there and waiting for a new one to be born seems like a reasonable idea. But Hump and Joshua know of some wild rumor where every once in a while you find dragons who like screwing outside. So Hump’s all, “Hey, how about I travel all the way to fucking Harmonia to read some library books about this, and I’ll take Futch with me because if I happen to learn about these dragons or even find one, the perfect person to tame and ride one would be this shitty apprentice.” If Hump and Joshua were actually interested in this, and it weren’t just a stupid plot device to make sure Hump and Futch were here when Barry walked through, wouldn’t Joshua have sent Hump with one of his real dragon knights, get this, on a fucking dragon, to Harmonia, instead of making these two walk the whole way? Fantastic plan, Hump and Joshua. Really well thought out.