The comeback, it STINGS.
Cocko and the humans yell at each other some more, because the interracial tension isn’t at all getting old yet. After Cocko’s run off to steal a few more wallets, Makai asks Barry to talk in the assembly hall, where they won’t be overheard. Wow, maybe he should have considered having that potentially sensitive meeting with Kiba in the assmebly hall. But that would have been smart and easy.
Makai asks how it went with Ridley, and whether he checked “Yes” or “No” on the note they took to him. Rather than just bitchslapping Makai right now, Big Gay Fitcher uses the Black Screen of Exposition to relate what happened. Makai is still confused about Ridley’s allegations, but adds, “In any case, we don’t have to worry about that now. Lord Kiba came to sign a peace treaty.” Yeah, we saw, you knob. Fitcher tries a second time to explain how Highland is using their mistrust of each other to its own advantage, but like Ridley, Makai is uninterested in conspiracy theories, and also kobolds and wingers are evil immigrants. To Barry, he says, “Unfortunately, it seems I won’t be able to assist the Yaoi Army as we discussed. Please forgive me.” Now would be a good time to give Makai that open-handed smack in the mouth he’s been begging for. And still, no one does it. God.
‘Because SHUT UP.’
Makai and Kiba are set to “sign the treaty” the next day, leaving Barry nothing to do but sit in his room at the inn and stew. Thankfully, and I use that word very loosely, Cocko shows up right as the party is leaving the assembly hall. “Barry!!! Granny wants to meet you,” he snits, promptly running in the other direction once his message has been delivered. He’s probably going to go jack off in Barry’s wallet, the bastard.
Speaking of jacking off, Big Gay Fitcher is talking again. He lets slip that there are reinforcements on the way, though he’s afraid they might show up too late. “I, I had a bad feeling about this, so I already sent a letter to Lord Shu requesting aid,” Big Gay Fitcher explains. “I thought Lord Shu would understand the situation and send reinforcements quickly…. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” But all this wasn’t queeny enough, so he adds, “Sometimes my premonitions are wrong and just cause more trouble, but this time it looks like I was right…..” Jesus, he has premonitions now? Next thing I know, he’s going to be telling Barry that he’s, “like, totally empathic,” as an attempt to land our hero between the sheets.
So barring a last-minute rescue from Shu’s reinforcements, Barry is still stuck in this two-bit town with no promise of swelling the ranks of his army, and no hotties to keep him company. And how boring is that? You know, this little stay in Two River seems to be all about Barry doing a bunch of shit just because he has nothing better to do with his time. And it isn’t going to stop now, certainly. Time to go meet Cocko’s fucking grandma.
Obviously, she’s in the winger district. Cocko is there to meet him and lead him to their house. As soon as Barry walks in, he’s accosted by a little old winger lady. “I am Susu, Great Wing of the Winged Horde. That means leader in your language.” So “wing” means “leader”? Does “wing” also mean “wing”? Just asking. Susu the Great Wing goes on to apologize for Cocko being such a, well, like the name says, promising that he’s going to get a spanking and then return Barry’s wallet. Well, that’s refreshing.
Of course, then she has to go and yank on Barry’s arm and check out the rune on his right hand. Barry is starting to get a wee bit tired of this. “The ‘Bright Shield Rune’…..” she breathes. “This is the second time in my life I’ve seen it. Long ago, I saw it shining from afar on the hand of Lord Genkaku.” Wait, Genkaku had the Bright Shield Rune, too? I really wish the game designers would keep me appraised of important information like this.
Susu gives Barry the rest of the story that Makai supplied earlier: it was actually Genkaku who invited the wingers to live in Two River, after the miners in Tinto ruined their natural home in the forests. “But after his good name was dirtied by the State,” she says, “once again we began to be mistreated by the humans.” Again, perhaps letting go of the asshole/pickpocket lifestyle would help matters here. Though in fairness, at least one of the three wingers Barry has met isn’t a choad. Anyway, Susu just wanted to tell Barry this, so he’d have the courage to be a hero like his daddy or whatever. I hope she doesn’t think helping the wingers at all enters into his motivations. Because at this point Barry would gladly throw the lot of them in a burlap sack and throw the burlap sack into a chip shredder.
Barry goes outside following his talk with Susu, to find the soon-to-be-spanked Cocko waiting for him. “Barry!!! It look [sic] like Granny has a lot of faith in you!!” he shouts at the top of his lungs for no reason. “But I don’t!!!! So you’re the son of some old hero long ago? Big deal! What does that mean!” He’s right and all, but between my powerful dislike of him and all his exclamation points, I don’t really give a shit how right he is. And when he runs off yelling that he’s still not going to return Barry’s wallet? No bonus points for that, either.
‘Ew, no!’
Back to the New Leaf Inn to await his capture or death or whatever is going to happen in the morning. On the bright side, during the night Barry has a nice dream about Jowy, Shu, Klaus, and Kip Winger in white leather catsuits. Rowr.
In the morning, Barry heads straight from the inn to the city gates, to watch the fireworks. He’s just in time to see Makai’s indignant surprise when he sees all the armed troops Kiba’s brought along for the “treaty signing.” Kiba and Klaus are all, “Ha ha, Gullible McStupidpants,” and order their men to attack. Way to go, Makai. And of course, this is still all Barry’s business, because he’s pulled into the fray as well. I’m starting to think Two River City is not worth all this trouble. We can let Highland have one.
Penises!
After a couple battles, Big Gay Fitcher has the bright idea to go talk to Ridley and the kobolds. They’re just standing around with their thumbs up their asses over in the kobold district, conveniently blocking the only escape route for any of Two River’s other citizens. Barry and Big Gay Fitcher prod Ridley with every guilt trip tactic they possess, but he seems unwilling to budge, until they all hear a noise from the battlefield. Who the hell knows how they can tell from all the way in the kobold district, but it’s the wingers, come to help save their town. Makai’s all surprised that these vagrants would show interest in protecting their home, unlike you, me, or anyone else with two brain cells to rub together. Remember. U-N-I-T-Y.
At the sound of the Winged Horde, Ridley sputters, “It’s my duty to save kobold lives…..” Then Barry pulls out the big guns, wailing, “Are you saying you won’t defend this town?” At this, many of the kobolds behind Ridley bark and woof to the effect that they want to fight for Two River, screw the cost. Apparently this is enough for Ridley. Finally.
Back on the battlefield, the humans, wingers and kobolds suddenly all have a glorious and miraculous understanding and respect for one another. The power of their love for Two River is just too much for Kiba and his men to handle. Well, that, and Shu and the Yaoi Army show up, along with a band of volunteer fighters from Kobold Village. But the U-N-I-T-Y is clearly the mitigating factor. Kiba asks Klaus to give the retreat order, and weirdly, Klaus stands there for what seems like an eternity, watches several more Highland sprites get whacked, and then calls for the retreat. It’s like he wanted to give the command with a dramatic flourish, but forgot that everyone would keep fighting until he said something.
‘In fact, I LOVE HIM!’
And here we abruptly cut to a tent in the Highland camp. Salon Jhee is pleading his case with Prince Adolf, who, for obvious reasons, is less than satisfied with the quality of his general’s work. I mean, everyone and their hairdresser is talking about how he got shanked by Barry. And for this heinous crime of being defeated by a noodle-armed boy in a silk bathrobe, Adolf orders Salon to have his pretty pointy head cut off. Hopefully, with his death, we’ll also see the death of people talking about him endlessly. After Salon is escorted out to the guillotine, Adolf gets down to business. “Forget about South Window for now,” he says conveniently, seeing as they lost it due to their own incompetence. “First, we’ll take Greenhill. Will someone here volunteer for command?” No one present–present company being the Prick, Richard Gere, Julia Roberts, and our little Jowy–steps up to the plate, probably fearing for their own necks.
“Is there a worthy general anywhere among you?” Adolf asks incredulously. On cue, Jowy steps forward and offers himself up. Not like that. Adolf reminds him that commanding an army to take over a city is way harder than unlocking a gate in Muse. But Jowy insists: “I don’t need a whole company. Just 5000 men. Give me that, and the prisoners from Muse and I’ll take Greenhill for you.” Oh, Jowy, you adulterous bad boy, you. What would Barry think? Not that you care!
Adolf is intrigued by the idea, and agrees to it, with a promise to reward Jowy handsomely (wink) if he succeeds. And of course, if he fails, he’ll join Adolf’s severed head collection. A dubious honor.
And now we’re back to Two River. Barry’s in bed, with Big Gay Fitcher creepily standing over him with his hands down his pants. Big Gay Fitcher explains that Barry passed out in the battlefield like a big sissy. Oh, everyone has been so worried, I bet. And indeed they have. In the assembly hall, Barry finds Makai, Ridley, Bear, and Shu waiting for him, all of them so very relieved that he’s okay. Oh, and that Two River is saved. Yay for that. I guess. Shu explains that the kobolds from Kobold Village only agreed to join because of Ridley’s great reputation, but Ridley insists that it was the Yaoi Army that saved the day. Not that it matters, because Ridley and all those fucking kobolds are now joining the Yaoi Army. Exactly what we needed. Kobolds.
To cap off the proceedings, Makai adds, “And another thing, [Big Gay] Fitcher, you’re fired.” Big Gay Fitcher flails around melodramatically, pleading his merits as an employee, until Makai explains that he’s just been hired by the Yaoi Army. “Yes,” Shu says, “I’m going to get a lot of use out of that clever mouth of yours.” Barry’s eyes widen in shock and rage, and thus begins the Great Two River Slap Fight of Solis 460.
Of course, this little episode wouldn’t be complete without a certain sticky-fingered someone coming around and realizing that Barry is the coolest guy ever. That someone is standing at the Two River gates. “Hey, hey, Barry,” Cocko says, imitating Nanami. “No, I mean great leader of the Yaoi Army. Will you take me with you too?” So now he’s gone from total asswipe to complete brown-noser. I think I liked the old Cocko better. Thinking of the good ending and all the wonderful Jowy sex it will entail, Barry grits his teeth and answers, “Sure. Okay.” I hate myself sometimes.
The one bright side to this is that Cocko returns Barry’s wallet and money, but says that he spent all the cash in Big Gay Fitcher’s. Ha ha. Big Gay Fitcher chases the winger brat out of town, and Barry chuckles inwardly, hating himself and both of them. So very, very much.
And now we can finally bring this chapter to a close. I hope Barry never has to visit Two River ever, ever again. Even though I know he will in the next recap. Speaking of next time, it’ll be more recruiting like gangbusters, and a field trip to a prep school in Greenhill. Yes, there will be dorm room shenanigans. With sexy results. Until part 11!