Makai stands there, flabbergasted, and explains that he has no idea what the hell Ridley was on about. Of course, he’s not going to find out for himself–not when he can send Barry to talk to Ridley on his behalf. Jesus, this is so grade school. If they start passing notes back and forth via Barry during gym class, I’m making him give them a spritely smack upside their spritely heads.
“Why would Ridley have a change of heart with the Highland Army so close?” Big Gay Fitcher wonders aloud, before instructing Barry on how to get to the kobold district. Unfortunately, it’s going to be kind of hard to find out, because Ridley has stationed guards at the entrance to the district, so Barry and Big Gay Fitcher can’t even get in to see him. The guards basically tell them, “Ridley says he doesn’t want to ever speak to you again and you’re no longer BF4EVER.” Only with a lot more barking. Because they’re dogs.
Big Gay Fitcher frets so hard he almost gives himself a worry line. Tragedy! But before he even needs to break out his Susan Lucci wrinkle cream, my new favorite character next to Tai Ho, Cocko the Crappy Kind of Winger, comes running by and smacks right into Big Gay Fitcher, who jumps like he was goosed by a naked Jude Law. When he realizes that he’s become Victim #2 of Cocko’s sticky fingers, he throws a total hissy and practically orders Barry to follow that thieving little bastard. Normally Barry would tell him that he doesn’t take orders from anybody, but it’s not like he has an objection to tracking down Cocko. With extreme prejudice.
After some more ridiculous running around the winger district, in which Cocko taunts Barry because he’s so slow that he can’t catch up, even though the game makes Barry automatically stop several yards away from Cocko when they’re technically moving at the same speed, Barry and Big Gay Fitcher corner Cocko in a dead-end passageway close to the river bank. Big Gay Fitcher points out that Cocko can’t fly out of here, so he’s clearly screwed. I don’t see why he can’t fly away–it looks like open air to me–but whatever, let’s just go with it. It doesn’t matter anyway, because the bat-winged little prick opens up a secret passageway behind his back and scampers for a door at the back. Shit!
At this point Big Gay Fitcher has completely lost his head and, all thoughts of Ridley and Highland forgotten, he leads the stampede after the double thief. The doorway Cocko ran into leads into a small room with a ladder going down into the sewers of Two River. So if you thought we were getting out of the requisite sewer dungeon just because this is a mostly medieval-style game, well, don’t you look stupid.
Konami’s misguided stab at a This Is Spinal Tap reference.
I’m thinking that Konami got a little bit high confused while programming this dungeon. See, Barry and Co. are currently in the sewer of a city located on a river delta. So to keep our heads from exploding, the place has to be full of suitable water monsters, right? Mutated bass, prancing riverboat queens, and hillbillies playing banjos? Well, no. Not only does Konami go way out on a limb and fill the joint with confusing, non-sewer monsters, but the only water-dwelling creatures? Sirens, which are supposed to be from the sea, and “Land Sharks,” big shark sprites with dead yellow eyes. The problem isn’t so much the fact that sharks live in saltwater bodies and this is a freshwater river, but that these sharks are swimming around in the solid stone walkways in the sewers. The hell?
Oh, wait, but they’re land sharks. That explains everything.
Fighting through this bizarre array of enemies and finding some loot along the way–including a swanky Resurrection Rune–Barry comes upon a small, dark room off the pathway. He only gets in about three steps before he’s chased out by a giggling, maniacal winger with lank Kurt Cobain hair and scary, haunted eyes. God, these fucking wingers. Did they, as a species, get dropped on their heads as kids? Paint in the baby formula? Fingers in the electrical sockets? What?
Loading ...Once he makes a note to–sigh–check back here later, Barry moves on past the weird winger’s room. At the end of the path and the random battles he finds a second door, right next to an ominous save point. But this is silly–it’s not like this creepy, filthy sewer is the kind of place a ginormous monster would be.
Turns out the ginormous monster is actually a huge, mutated rat with three glowing red eyes and large devil horns. Whee. Big Gay Fitcher, in the background with his bag of popcorn, tries his best not to wet himself. I mean, freaky demon rat, and its fur is all matted! Like, scary.
The matted rabies rat–the Pest Rat to its friends and loved ones–really isn’t as nasty as I tried to make it sound. It does have a couple nasty all-enemies attacks, but it’s mostly just a pretender among the bad boy bosses of Suikoden II. Besides, it’s not like I brought Luc along just for him to sit in the back row the entire time and not do shit. Boy’s gotta pull his weight. And sure enough, all those sexy runes I equipped to him are just the trick, and probably do 90 percent of the damage to the Rabies Rat.
The Rabies Rat disposed of, Barry takes a quick look around for any obvious sewer treasure hordes it might have been guarding. Of course, there’s nothing. Not even Cocko, watching from the shadows with his two stolen wallets, waiting for his pet to finish off these out-of-towners. So basically, there’s no explanation as to why this gigantic demonic rat is just hanging out in a storeroom in the sewers, other than “Hey, we should put a boss down here.”
‘Hey, Square’s guys aren’t the only ones on crack!’
Feeling just a little bit grifted, Barry guides the party and Big Gay Fitcher out the back door behind the corpse of the Rabies Rat. After a little bit they come to another ladder leading back up. A quick glance around tells us that they’ve ended up in the kobold district. And if looking around doesn’t spell it out for them, Ridley storming over with steam rising from his collar oughta do it.
Ridley, rightly so, asks them what the hell they’re doing sneaking into his domain. Barry is about to launch into the story of the winger dingus with their wallets, but Big Gay Fitcher shushes him with a big-ass lie: “We… We came to see YOU, Lord Ridley!” he pulls out of his ass. “Please talk to us about what happened!” Well, while this is a total lie, it’s also convenient that I don’t have to figure out some way to get to Ridley now. Carry on, then.
The kobold general, even though he found these two untrustworthy humans back-dooring their way into his love shack, decides to take the guys at Big Gay Fitcher’s word. “Last night one of our patrols spotted a suspicious character,” he explains. “They gave chase, but unfortunately the person got away. But while running away, he dropped a secret communique between the Empire’s General Kiba and your Lord Makai.” Turns out that the scrap of paper detailed a peace treaty between Two River and Highland. “That’s great news,” Big Gay Fitcher says reasonably. “For us as well as them.”
But apparently this is quite the wrong thing to say. Puffing up in anger, Ridley barks, “What do you mean, ‘great news’! As a condition, the treaty gives possession of the Kobold District to those Highland scum!!!!” Big Gay Fitcher jumps back in fright, while Ridley stares him down beadily. Yeah, Big Gay Fitcher, you’re so stupid, not being psychic and knowing details of the story he hadn’t told you yet. Ass.
At any rate, Big Gay Fitcher is stunned that Makai would agree to such a thing, but Ridley chalks it up to humans looking out for number one. That said, Ridley admits that he too must look out for number one, so to protect his fellow canines he’s cut himself off from that jerk Makai. Barry screeches dire warnings about Highland wanting the factions of Two River to turn against each other, but Ridley’s having none of it, and boots Big Gay Fitcher and Barry the hell out of his pad. Near the river, Big Gay Fitcher starts pacing again. “Something strange is going on,” he says unnecessarily. “If this is the enemy’s plot, we’re in big trouble.” I would think this mistrust would be problematic whether or not Highland had planned things to happen like this. Because Two River needs U-N-I-T-Y.
Back in the human district, Ridley’s worst fear is playing out in the town square. And no, I don’t mean Cocko sodomizing Gengen. It’s actually General Kiba, his effeminate sidekick, and Makai having a little chit-chat. “Well then, we look forward to a favorable response from you,” Kiba is saying. When Makai still seems to be waffling, Kiba keeps pushing: “I knew I could count on the Two River plenipotentiary to be sensible. After all, we don’t want a war either.” And with that outright fib, Kiba turns to go. But then his cute male companion speaks up.
“Father, please wait a moment,” the young man, called Klaus, asks. Okay, so they’re father and son, not pedophile and boy-toy. Sometimes I jump to conclusions, okay? Anyway, Klaus strides over past Makai to where Barry and his cronies are standing. “You’re Lord Barry, leader of the Yaoi Army, aren’t you?” he says, inches from Barry’s face. Well, this one sure isn’t coy. Barry is mildly surprised by this obvious come-on, and from such a cutie to boot. “My name is Klaus, tactician for the 3rd Royal Highland Company,” Klaus continues. “I look forward to meeting you on the battlefield.” And we all know what he means by that, right? That’s right. Buttsex.
“As a fellow soldier, I salute you and wish you luck,” he finishes, slipping his phone number into Barry’s hand and sauntering off. “Farewell.” The sprite body language is totally suggestive right now. Kiba asks, “That’s Barry…….. The man who beat [Salon] Jhee?” Klaus is all, “Yeah, Dad, he’s dreeeeeeeeeeeamy,” and then they leave. And I swear to God, the way they keep going on and on and ON about how Barry beat Salon Jhee, he must have been the best fucking general in the universe. Like Patton, but with a better complexion.
Okay, so now that all the sexual tension has been cleared out of the air, we can get back to the plot, as lacking as it currently is in hot man-on-man action. Sigh. Big Gay Fitcher asks Makai what the shit Kiba and Co. were doing here, and Makai responds that, duh, they were here to offer a treaty. Duh duh DUUUUUH.
Suddenly, a yell pierces the tense silence. Well, it would if there were voice acting and the cheery Two River theme weren’t chirping right along in the background. “Hey stupid humans!!!” someone shouts. A glass of milk and Oreos if you guessed it’s Cocko. Well, don’t take me up on that one, I don’t think I have enough Oreos for all of you. Anyway, Cocko assumes my voice in the game and tells all the humans how truly idiotic they would be if they actually bought this peace treaty bullshit. And while my favorite ass popsicle is far from kind in his word choice in saying this, the locals still come off like morons for not even listening, and telling him to shut up just because he’s a winger squatter.