PUGGY!!! stops in front of the ginormous rose, trying to come to terms with destroying such a beautiful thing. Even if it does look sort of vaginal with the way it’s pulsating and stuff. “Whoever has their hands free, burn these flowers,” Mathiu orders. I love that — “whoever has their hands free.” Like someone’s gonna go, “Aw shit, I’d like to burn this thing, but I’m totally holding my sword. God damn it.” Plus, I don’t think any of these guys have their hands free when they’re around each other, if you follow me.
At that very moment, right on cue, Milich races out of the opposite door, throwing the world’s biggest screaming fit. “Stop it! What are you doing to my beloved flowers! Eek!” he shrieks, flailing his hands around. Bear is about to punch the guy’s lights out, but Milich stalls him by shrilling, “Ouch! It hurts, it hurts! My arm is burning.” Whatever, Snowe. More currently, this is a flashback to our last encounter with an Imperial General. That’s right, it’s another God damn rune from Windy. That’s what these guys get for consorting with gross girls.
Milich’s sprite looks left and right several times as one of the various Suikoden Sad Themes of Revelation starts up. Milich wonders what’s going on, another BFC (Big Fucking Clue) that he just underwent the same exact transformation as Kwanzaa. That is SO Part 6. Also, I’m kind of curious how these runes just magically stop working as soon as the bad guys are confronted by the good guys. I’m not a Suikoden expert, so it’s up to you guys to let me know. Via the poll, not with e-mails.
Loading ...To say that the assembled individuals are mightily pissed at Milich for the death of Gremio would be a major understatement. In fact, it’s pretty much a given that someone is going to kill the guy. I find Cleo’s threat especially poignant: “Prepare to die.” Such feeling in that statement. Anything with only one punctuation mark in Suikoden is clearly delivered in a monotone.
Milich is all “Who the fuck is this Gremio guy? Did someone kill him or something?” Mathiu, the brains of the group, gets a light bulb over his head. “Wait everybody! General Milich, were you wearing a Black Rune…” he asks without a question mark. Milich is all, “Uh yeah. Yeah, a rune. That’s it.” Seriously, I’m totally going to start using that as an excuse whenever I’m in trouble. “Speeding, officer? OUCH MY ARM!!!! Where am I? Aw shit, it must have been that rune again.” Hey, some women cry to get out of tickets, I blame my speed on the Black Rune Given To Me By Windy. Potato, potahto.
Anyway, we establish that a) Milich did, indeed, have a Black Rune, and b) Windy gave it to him. You might want to write that down so you don’t forget it — this shit can be kind of vague. Bear doesn’t care about Milich’s problems. “Black Rune, Pink Balloon, what’s the difference? This scoundrel killed Gremio!” he yells. You know, Milich probably does have a pink balloon, too.
The Black Rune didn’t change anything for the bloodthirsty assholes in this group, but PUGGY!!! has to once again be the peace maker. How ironic that everyone wants to kill Milich for killing Gremio, but if PUGGY!!! does go through with the execution, Gremio stays dead. Layers upon layers. Obviously, PUGGY!!! puts his own desire for revenge aside and lets Milich live. You’d think he just outlawed buttsex in Penis Castle the way everyone freaks out at him for this. Ironically, Flik is the only one who defends “the leader’s decision.” “Follow his orders,” Flik tells Bear. This is our BFC that Flik Has Accepted PUGGY!!!. These things are so subtle, I understand if you don’t quite catch them.
Milich takes in PUGGY!!!’s flamboyant clothing, his entourage of eligible young men, and of course, his kind heart, and realizes there is only one right choice — he must join the Lubrication Army. In fact, his whole life has been leading up to this very point. “The Emperor has been enraptured by Windy’s resemblance to his later Empress Claudia,” Milich scoffs. “But unlike Empress Claudia, Windy is a sorceress with evil intent.” Well, thanks for clarifying that difference. Milich sees this as his opportunity to have lots and lots of gay buttsex inside a giant phallus help his Emperor. Gremio’s death aside, there is no freaking way PUGGY!!! can turn down someone this fabulous. Seriously, Milich makes up for at least two or three of those icky girls that joined today.
Milich manages to restrain himself from jumping into PUGGY!!!’s arms upon his acceptance into the Lubrication Army. Pahn freaks, the gay-bashing homo, but Cleo tells him to cram it. Speaking of major league freak-outs, Stallion comes charging through the other door, throwing a complete spaz. “The Imperial Army is coming! [Dirty] Sanchez says you must return right away,” he pants. Mathiu’s all, “Well, shit, I guess it’s another fucking battle. Jesus Christ.” To show the urgency of this situation, the game teleports PUGGY!!! back to Penis Castle.
Urgency, smurgency, PUGGY!!!’s jonesing for some more recruiting action. He kicks the human hemorrhoid out of the party in favor of Milich. The Fabulousness Level of the party just went up by about 1000%. Gremio who? Back at the pink Phallus Palace, PUGGY!!! talks to Ivanov again. Strangely, he hasn’t fled in terror, meaning the guy probably kind of likes being Milich’s love slave. “Despite my age, I have never seen true freedom,” he tells PUGGY!!! in an attempt to weasel his way into PUGGY!!!’s Penis. And I don’t mean into his actual penis, because that’s giving me urethra pains just thinking about it, and mine is tiny. So this guy has been a love slave his entire life, but wants to experience freedom by becoming the love slave of numerous men in a giant gay castle. Sure, that makes sense. I’m not sure if I’m being sarcastic or not.
After letting Ivanov to spout some more Engrish, PUGGY!!! graciously allows him into the Lubrication Army. Obviously his talent will be put to use painting murals of all the gay orgies. Awesome. Not that I would want to see those or anything.
I don’t think that’s what they’ll be showing you at Penis Castle.
Upstairs, in a previously unexplored bedroom, PUGGY!!! meets a rather feminine individual with long, flowing locks and the world’s largest forehead. I have it on good authority that this person, Kasios, is in fact a guy. I make it sound so simple. I mean, I know I’m always saying dudes look like chicks, but multiply that concept by one million and you’ve got Kasios. If you don’t want to take my word that Kasios is a dude, then here is more proof: Kasios entreats Milich, “Oh, Master Milich. Let me join you by your side.” By allowing this, Milich pretty much confirms that this person is male.
This is a guy.
Although Kasios is not important to the plot in any way, I’m still going to nickname him Casio, in honor of the Casio keyboard where you could record a sound — say, a burp — and all the keys would sound like that. I’m getting all nostalgic just thinking about it.
Surprisingly, those two are the only men hanging out at the Palace. PUGGY!!! blinks a couple of times, then shrugs and returns to Penis Castle. Retrieving all of his purchased and pilfered paints from the vault, he foists them off on Ivanov so the guy can get started on his masterpiece. Unfortunately, though Ivanov is able to paint a vast array of colors — including red — with only blue, yellow, black, and white paints, his talent is sadly, sadly lacking. In fact, Ivanov’s style is identical to the horrendous pre-Suikoden IV artwork of Junko Kawano. Plus, he included Camille and Leknaat in his half-finished mural. What’s up with that? I’m seriously doubting his “Milich kidnapped me and made me his love slave because of my amazing painting talent!!!!!!!” sob story even more now.
Well, at least it’s not furry porn.
Disgusted, PUGGY!!! heads downstairs and teleports to Antei for his final recruit of this recap. At the entrance to the city, he finds the underage Qlon, who practically pees himself now that PUGGY!!! has liberated them all from the evil French names of the Flower General. In fact, Qlon is so indebted to PUGGY!!! for the most essential favor of restoring the town’s God damn name, he decides that he will give PUGGY!!! a favor in return. He admits that his only talent is announcing the name of the town, and immediately follows this with the statement that he’s just going to mosey on over to Penis Castle. I think we all see where this is going.
Indeed, as soon as PUGGY!!! teleports back to the castle and visits Qlon at the front entrance, the boy says, and I quote, “This is Penis Castle. I feel so good.” I’m not shitting you here.
There isn’t really anything I can say to follow that, so it’s time to draw this recap to a close. Next time, PUGGY!!! finds out what happens when Dad gets home. Will he get grounded? Stay tuned for Part 9!