Everyone except that rat bastard Krin approaches Lepant. He’s a big, scary man with a big, scary red ponytail and raging mustache. He demands the return of his blade, and that’s when PUGGY!!! tells him that Mathiu recommended his services. The music turns all sappy, as Lepant says, “What? Mathiu…If Mathiu is involved, I’d like to help you.” PUGGY!!! gets his hopes up, only to have them dashed with the next line. “But there are certain things I cannot give up. So please return Kirinji and be on your way.” Damn it! PUGGY!!! then has the choice to be persistent or to just give the guy his sword back. He chooses the latter. Lepant is about to blow this pop stand when his butt ugly servant, Giovanni, comes running in. The Uh-oh! music starts up, giving me an inkling that something bad has happened. Giovanni wheezes, “Madam…Madam…,” apparently unaware that Lepant is a man (and probably the most masculine man in the whole game thus far). But he’s not referring to Lepant, as it turns out — he’s referring to Lepant’s other Prized Possession: his wife. The “new Military Commander” kidnapped her. Upon hearing this, Lepant freaks and runs out the door. PUGGY!!! follows.

At the Casa de Commander, Lepant is arguing with the guards, demanding to see the bastard who stole his wife. “You cannot see Commander Kraze without an appointment,” one of them snots. Shit, it’s Commander Kraze again. What a dick. Lepant beats the everloving shit out of the guards and barges in the door. PUGGY!!! follows him only to see him wallop two more guards. Geez, I’m glad PUGGY!!! decided to give him back his sword, or who knows what might have happened to our favorite pointy-toed hero?

In the next room, Lepant is confronted by a whole slew of soldiers. He realizes that he’s going to get his ass kicked unless he joins up with PUGGY!!!. PUGGY!!! is prompted to reduce his party by one member, so I give that useless shit Camille the boot. With Lepant in the group, PUGGY!!! has no trouble kicking those Imperial buttholes to the curb. PUGGY!!! winds his way through the upstairs, which is a lot more sensible than Lepant’s weird-ass architecture. And of course there’s treasure to be found there, too.

It doesn’t take PUGGY!!! long to find the room where Kraze holds Lepant’s wife captive. Kraze is highly pissed at PUGGY!!!, bitching that it’s PUGGY!!!’s fault that he’s stuck in this “miserable country town.” Cry me a river, Kraze. “How dare you get in the way of my promotion!” he whines. “And now you’re getting in the way of my pleasure!” EWWWWWW! I’ll never be able to have sex again.

Apparently, Kraze’s little complaint was the wrong thing to say to his intended rape-ee’s husband and Lepant goes apeshit. Cleo is also disgusted. Gremio wonders what pleasure could possibly be had from a female. At that point, another group of soldiers runs in and attacks. Once again, PUGGY!!!’s party wipes the floor with them. Kraze freaks and holds a knife to Eileen. Well, okay, I lied — they don’t really show what he’s threatening her with. Go sprite graphics! He’s been reading the chapter for weaselly villains in the Big Book of Bad Guy Catchphrases as he spouts, “That’s far enough. Don’t come any closer. I wouldn’t want to hurt this beautiful lady.” No, he just wants to rape her. Of course, with his undoubtedly tiny wiener, it probably wouldn’t hurt much. Gremio has another “Oh my God, I can’t believe I was ever associated with this scumbag” me me me moment, and then Kraze brings in his trump card….it’s Pahn!

Kraze tries to play upon Pahn’s Teo obsession by telling him that he’s responsible for restoring the honor to the general’s name. Of course Gremio gets all dramatic, shrieking, “Pahn, you’re not really going to do as he says?” It’s a very tense moment, with all these sprites standing around facing each other. Finally, Pahn says, “I don’t regret the decision I made that day. Even now.” Well, goody for you. Kraze is all, “Ha ha, suckers!” But wait! Pahn starts getting all weepy about wanting to follow his heart. “Whether my heart is right or wrong will be judged by history,” he drama queens. Gremio is jealous that his dramatic spotlight has been stolen away, but he manages to seethe quietly. Pahn knocks Kraze away from Eileen, showing once and for all that he is a Good Guy. Viktor comments to Kraze, “You seem to be hated by a lot of people.” Way to go with the observations, Dr. Obvious.

Kraze goes crazy (pun intended) and tries to convince PUGGY!!! that his dad will be harmed if anything happens to Kraze. Yeah, right, I’m sure the emperor will do something bad to one of his freaking generals because some pissant loser got what was coming to him. I have the option to let Kraze die or to let him live. Since I don’t know how it will affect the ending of the game, I decide to make PUGGY!!! be nice. Damn you, Suikoden. “Young Master, why spare him? He killed Ted,” Gremio shrills. But Cleo backs up Young Master, saying that he’s got a bigger heart than the rest of them. Or maybe he’s just a bigger wuss.

That’s not all that’s bigger.

Meanwhile, Kraze has run out of the room like a little pansy. PUGGY!!! walks over to talk to Lepant. Cue the Sappy Music. Lepant’s sad because he’s a fugitive just like PUGGY!!!. “I pretended to be blind to the Empire’s cruelties, just to protect my family. And look where it’s gotten me.” He ups the drama queen act by a few notches and informs Eileen that she is no longer his wife. “I am joining the Liberation Army. I probably won’t be able to return.” Eileen’s not having any of his bullshit. She’s going along, too. Well, at least someone’s going to be having sex in Penis Castle.

Now that’s a ringing endorsement.

Now it’s time to clear things up with Pahn. He wants to join the Liberation Army, too, and of course he turns on the pity act, saying that he doesn’t deserve PUGGY!!!’s forgiveness. He’s probably right, since he was such a dickweed, but I need all 108 characters, so I have to be nice yet again. PUGGY!!! lets him join and Pahn gets all teary.

With all that crap completed, PUGGY!!! heads back to Penis Castle. The jaunty little jig plays in the background as PUGGY!!! makes his way upstairs. All his new buds are set up in the castle already, and some more new buds are waiting for him on the second floor. Hey, it’s our old pals Varkas and Sydonia! Gremio wants to know what they’re doing there, and Varkas responds, “We heard some rumors about you, and figured this would be a good chance to return the favor we owe you.” Um, what? Favor? As I recall, PUGGY!!! saved them because he’d endangered them in the first place. I’d call that “fixing a fuck-up”, not a “favor.” Whatever, Varkas. Of course, he and Sydonia would like to join the Liberation Army, too. It’s the latest rage. Varkas says he would like to see Lady Odessa. Gremio almost gives their little secret away, but Mathiu randomly shows up just in time to tell them that Odessa is away on a mission. Whew. Crisis averted.

Mathiu suggests that they have a big party to welcome all their new recruits. If they do this every time, it’s going to be a damn long game. I make PUGGY!!! say to wait a second, because I want to save, damn it, but apparently this is one of those choices that isn’t really a choice. Thanks, game designers. Gremio flits off to cook some of his fancy cuisine (stew).

The next scene has everyone arranged around a big table with lots of food and booze, and for some reason, the Suikoden Porn music is playing in the background. Oh, so it’s one of those kinds of parties. PUGGY!!! talks to everyone at the table, and of course, no one has anything of import to say. So PUGGY!!! gets out of there. However, he only takes two steps out of the room before the Oh Shit music starts up. Someone offscreen screeches, “PUGGY!!!, I’ll take that rune on your right hand. Give it to me!” PUGGY!!! is not inclined to oblige this random person, so he ends up in a fight. Of course, none of his friends who are ten feet away from him even bother to help. Bunch of drunken assholes.

Thanks for sharing.

The guy’s name is given only as “Assassin,” so it’s not like it’s anyone we need to give a shit about. He must not be a highly trained assassin, because PUGGY!!! only hits him a couple of times before the guy disappears in a pink cloud. Of course, the assassin is still there once we return to regular gameplay mode. Pahn and Viktor run out of the dining room, all pissed. Threats are thrown around by both sides and after revealing that Windy is going to kick all their asses someday, the Assassin dude just runs the hell out of there. They’ve really got a great guard system.

I just bet you will.

Cut to PUGGY!!!’s dinky little room. Gremio, Viktor, and Pahn stand around the entrance, arguing over who is going to guard PUGGY!!!. Pahn says that he’ll take care of it, but of course Gremio says he’ll guard PUGGY!!! tonight. I just bet he will. Of course Gremio’s idea of guarding might be a little bit different than the traditional definition. Viktor settles the argument by telling both of them to guard PUGGY!!!. Gremio is dismayed, but tries to act like he wasn’t just trying to get in PUGGY!!!’s pants. Strangely enough, the next morning, Pahn and Cleo are inside PUGGY!!!’s room, but Gremio runs in from down the hall. The hell?

Gremio joins PUGGY!!! and the two of them head to the inn to save. And that’s where this recap ends. What weirdass characters will PUGGY!!! recruit next? Find out in part 5!