The end of the school day finds Gary and the others discussing the mystery yet-a-fucking-gain. I’m going to skip right over the stuff we’ve already heard a dozen times before, so sorry if anyone was itching to hear it again. The conversation moves onto the upcoming midterms. Yosuke’s stressing out because he thinks he’s going to fail, prompting Chie to suggest, “Why don’t you have Yukiko go over some of the material with you?” That’s right–in addition to being the most desirable schoolgirl this side of certain hardcore websites, Yukiko’s also the brainiest in the class. She’s such a special snowflake, and I’m starting to regret not naming her Mary Suekiko (I’m sorry). Yosuke thinks Chie’s suggestion is a great idea, and innocently asks Yukiko for some private lessons. Her completely rational and proportionate response is to gasp in outrage and slap him across the face. Gary has to sit on his hands to stop himself from screaming “BITCH!” and throwing himself across the desk at her. Nursing his cheek, Yosuke asks who the fuck pissed in her Cheerios this morning, and her feeble defense is that she thought he was propositioning her. Wow, somebody has a high opinion of herself. Besides, Chie was the one who raised the subject in the first place–if Yukiko’s going to be angry at anyone, it should be her girlfriend for attempting to pimp her out.

“Sorry…my hand moved without thinking…” Yukiko sighs. I’m familiar with that phenomenon, but mine usually has a glass in it, and the movement is to my own mouth, not someone else’s face. Chie and Yosuke get into one of their trademark spats, and Yukiko, the cause of all the drama, politely excuses herself and heads for home. Gary’s left in the middle of all the bickering, feeling like a decidedly useless referee, as we get a Looney Tunes fade out. Seriously, this game.

You’d think the childish bickering he’s just been embroiled in would be enough for one day, but no–Gary inflicts even more misery upon himself by going to work a shift at the daycare. He’s such a fucking masochist. Over a brief scene of the kiddies running rings around him as he hilariously fails to keep order, resplendent in his dress-like uniform, the Invisible Narrator reveals that his Understanding has increased again. So has his Blood Pressure, by the look of it. On the walk home, it occurs to him that that little brat Yuuta and his evil stepmother were absent today, and it’s safe to say he doesn’t exactly shed a tear over it. But just when he thinks he’s out of the woods, he sees Ms Minami herself sitting pensively under the Samegawa Flood Plain’s gazebo. Fuck. By this time, it’s too late and she’s already spotted him, so he braces himself and instigates a (hopefully short) chat. Sensing she has something on her mind, he asks if there’s anything wrong, but Ms Minami claims it’s nothing. “You’re a high school student, right?” she chuckles, giving Gary the once-over. “You seem so mature…” Don’t even think about it, lady. Reigning in her creepy side for now, she changes the subject to her annoying stepson, who’s causing her grief while his dad’s away on business. Even though the gossiping woman at the daycare already gave Gary the scoop on the Minami family, he still acts shocked when he finds out that Yuuta isn’t Ms Minami’s biological son. Whatever. Feeling that he should at least attempt to give her some advice, Gary tells her to give Yuuta time to adjust, and then she pulls the whole, “Oh, I didn’t mean to burden you with my personal issues!” thing. Clearly, someone else took over her mouth and made her divulge all that personal information. Angsting aside, she thanks Gary for enabling her to enjoy something close to an adult conversation, and outs herself as the latest Social Link to add to Gary’s expanding list–Temperance, to be exact. Man, standards are slipping when it comes to those things. Can just anyone apply to become a Social Link now!?

Conversation over, Ms Minami asks Gary to call her Eri–he’ll be calling her something very different in private–and then suddenly remembers she’s supposed to have picked Yuuta up. You know, this little “build bridges with my resentful stepson” exercise is off to a great start. Maybe tomorrow, she’ll accidentally drive over his puppy or drop his 3DS in the bath.

‘OK, you got me. Country life is so boring, and I had to fill my time somehow…killing random women and hanging their bodies from ridiculously impractical locations seemed as worthy a pastime as any. You’re so good at this!’

Hot Uncle is already there when Gary arrives home, and he immediately drags him into an awkward uncle-nephew chat. Gary is so not in the mood for this, especially with the creepy swimsuit gift still fresh in his memory. He sits through a few inane questions about school before Hot Uncle gets down to the real reason for this little talk–Gary’s friends. “Looks like you’ve made plenty of ’em,” he scowls, before not-really-clarifying, “I’m not saying who you can and can’t hang out with, but…” There’s always a “but”. Hot Uncle asks if Gary understands what he’s getting at, like this passive-aggressive excuse for a conversation has been anything less than completely obscure up until now, so Gary grows a pair and responds, “Say it straight out.” I mean, if you’re going to criticize one or more of Gary’s friends, at least have the balls to tell him which ones.

Hot Uncle admires Gary’s guts in calling him out, and then the scene spirals downwards into complete asshattery. “For some reason, whenever there’s an incident, there you are…” he says, and then follows up with, “I wish I didn’t have to consider this, but…the killings began around the time you came to town.” Oh no you fucking didn’t. As Gary sits there incredulously, wondering whether he’s hearing this correctly and that his own fucking uncle is practically accusing him of murder, the diatribe continues: “My job is all about eliminating the random element. I only look at the facts. If you keep getting caught up in my job, then…” Hearing her dad’s raised voice, Nanako wanders into shot and protests, “Big bro didn’t do anything bad!” See, this girl knows what’s up. “I-I know. I didn’t mean it like that,” Hot Uncle offers in reply. Well, it fucking sounded like it. Placating Nanako with the excuse that he and Gary are just having “a little talk”, Hot Uncle sends her off to bed. “She’s really taking a shine to you…” he comments wryly. That might have something to do with the fact that Gary’s been a better guardian to her than you lately.

Before we move on, allow me to point out why this makes so little sense. The only possible events that could give Dojima reason to be suspicious of Gary are A) the time he, Chie and Yukiko were gawping at the initial crime scene, in which case half the fucking town should be under suspicion as well; and B) the time he got arrested because of Yosuke stupidly waving some weapons around in public. That’s it. And apart from anything else, shouldn’t the fact that he’s not only Dojima’s blood relative, but also, for all intents and purposes, a normal and well-adjusted teenager, be enough to exempt him from suspicion!?

I apologize for that horrendous run-on sentence, but I’m almost as irate as Gary is, and what passes for my writing ability is suffering as a result. He has half a mind to ask Yosuke if he can stay at his house tonight, but he’s not sure how progressive his parents are. Attempting to wrap up this failed talk-slash-interrogation, Hot Uncle’s all, “Look, just forget I said anything, but stay out of trouble.” The petulant and indignant part of Gary is tempted to go completely off the rails now, just to really piss his uncle off. Meanwhile, the rest of him just wants to go to bed and forget this conversation ever happened. “As long as you’re safe, everything’s fine,” Hot Uncle tries to sound concerned and parental. “Your parents didn’t ask me to raise your grades or anything.” I highly doubt they asked you to buy him inappropriate swimwear or accuse him of being involved in a serial murder case either, but here we are. “It seems Dojima is genuinely worried about you…” the IN interferes. Even though Gary would rather bond with a boa constrictor right now, forces beyond his control cause him to extend the olive branch, much like a kid who’s been in a fight being ordered to make friends with his opponent. In this case, he forms yet another Social Link (the Hierophant) and then goes to his room, presumably to log on to Facebook and bitch about what a dick his uncle is.

The only notable event at school the following day is a lesson with the creepy Mr Garrison, which I’ll spare you the details of. Once the school bell rings, Gary braves the torrential rain outside and sets out for the shopping district to visit his good friend the fox–he plans on scoring some “medicinal leaves” and getting high in his room tonight. That’ll show his uncle! However, much like any other plan Gary attempts to carry out, his intended act of teenage rebellion doesn’t even get off the ground. Instead of a mouthful of an illicit substance, the fox shows up with something altogether less appealing between his teeth–another ema with someone’s wish written on it. This one simply reads, “I want things to go well with the person I like!”, and if Gary didn’t know better, he’d assume he’d written it himself during one of the many evenings spent pondering his relationship with Yosuke. The Invisible Narrator, apparently a graphologist now, points out that the request probably came from a child since it’s written in rounded letters. If only he could apply his tremendous insight to the ongoing murder investigation, my life would be so much easier.

That fucking wink even makes a comment about shaving foam sound suggestive.

That evening, Gary spends some time chatting with Nanako (raising her Social Link in the process), and then gets an early night. Not exactly what he had planned, but at least his dickhead uncle wasn’t around this time. Those precious hours of extra sleep come in handy when Yosuke calls him first thing the next morning–he would have had to turn down his offer of a date in Okina City if he’d had dark circles under his eyes. A Black Screen of Making Out on the Train drops us off at Okina Station, where Yosuke inhales a few great lungfuls of polluted city air like it’s going out of style. “Y’know, I’m just a poor little city boy drawn to that urban scent,” he admits. If this “urban scent” is even remotely similar to the effluvia I have to contend with on a daily basis, then Yosuke’s a freak and Gary should seriously re-evaluate his taste in men. Realizing how weird his last statement may have sounded to Gary, he asks if he’s starting to sound like Teddie (WTF?). One of Gary’s potential answers is, “You’re certainly looking hairier,” which he immediately eliminates because Yosuke definitely isn’t the bear type. Unfortunately, this leaves him with the alternative: “Teddie’s cute.” NOOOOPE. Even though it makes no sense whatsoever, he relents and chooses the hairier option, which causes Yosuke to make a half-comment about facial soap. This is so exciting to describe! More exciting still, Yosuke receives an unexpected text…which turns out to be spam. This sends him off on a monologue about how spam comprises most of the texts he gets, but that this totally doesn’t mean he has no friends. Methinks he doth protest too much.

Gary’s standing there dumbfounded, but on Yosuke goes: he reveals that his plentiful and not-at-all imaginary friends haven’t been in contact since he moved to Inaba, and figures they no longer have anything in common. “Inaba suits me just fine,” he says defiantly. “Plus…I got something I need to do there.” And I think we all know what it is. Gary’s hoping so, anyway. The Gary x Yosuke OTP hits Rank 3, and then they head off to buy souvenirs before heading for home. Sadly, we don’t get to see them giggling over novelty penis-shaped keychains in the gift store that exists only in my imagination. Jesus Christ, I never knew a scene between Gary and Yosuke could possibly be so boring. I’m almost glad when Gary reappears inside the Dojima residence to find Hot Uncle waiting for him. Simply ignoring him would undoubtedly result in Nanako picking up on the tension, so Gary swallows his pride and tries to strike up a conversation; although he’s still pissed, they’re going to have to get along if he’s staying here for an entire year.

If all else fails, I find implicating them in the local murder investigation to be a sure-fire icebreaker.

Rebuffing Gary’s attempt at a chat, Hot Uncle hides behind his newspaper and mutters something about not knowing how to talk to teenagers. “If your Expression was at the level of Eloquent, you’d be able to carry out a conversation…” the IN hints. Yeah, well, it may not be Eloquent just yet, but I think Gary’s Expression is sufficiently high enough to tell the IN where to shove his advice.

Monday morning marks the start of Gary’s most dreaded event since his return to the daycare–the midterm exams. You know there’s nothing I’d love better than to painstakingly describe each and every question Gary answers throughout the course of the week, but in a surprising turn of events, all of the exam questions are exactly the same as the ones he’s been answering (correctly) in the lessons we sporadically get to witness. Yes, that includes the dumb one about the time of day a person’s most likely to be burgled in Japan. God only knows which subject that pertains to. What this means is that I have no choice but to skip right over all the exams, purely in the interest of keeping this recap fresh and exciting. I know how much you were all looking forward to reading all about the thrilling midterms-based drama–not as much as I was looking forward to typing it, believe me–but I’m sure you’ll understand why I must reluctantly cut it out. I’d be failing in my duty as a recapper if I simply repeated a bunch of questions and answers we’ve already heard. As for why I’m not applying the same ruthless editing to my repetitive jokes about Gary and Yosuke being gay…hey, look over there!