Take the enemy known as “Bribed Fuzz”, for example. These guys, usually appearing in groups of two or three, look like policemen–or, to be more accurate, “policemen” in a gay porn movie. They’re even suggestively dangling pairs of handcuffs, for God’s sake. They also have keys floating inside their hollow stomachs, but we’ll disregard that peculiar detail. After sending his first group of Gay Cops back to the set of the YMCA video, Gary draws the Persona card of Oberon, a mythological fairy king. I bet Tingle cried bitter, sparkly tears in the corner when this dude won the crown tiara over him.
How appropriate that Gary should find the King of the Fairies in this gayest of dungeons.
Next, we come to the “Monopolizing Cupids”, rose-coloured winged cherubs who fire dinky arrows at the party in order to inflict Confusion. I think the poor characters are confused enough already. These little tykes also appear to be wearing frilly lace bonnets, which just adds to the overall effect. On the same floor, Gary stumbles across an enemy called “Autonomic Basalt.” As the pretentious name implies, these things are chunks of rock, which, on first glance, seem out of place in such a fabulous haven as this. But it looks like even stone has to display a certain level of flamboyance in order to fit in here–these things are wearing bright pink masquerade masks which, I’m fanwanking, they borrowed from the Calm Pesce in Yukiko’s Castle.
Even so, they’re just small fry compared to the eye-opening sights further in, so fasten your seatbelts. As the party ascends to the third floor, Teddie cries, “I just got goosebumps! Something is on this floor!” You know things are serious when even Teddie is getting excited by the prospect of what awaits within.
The next Shadow encountered by the group is the “Daring Gigas.” Its actual name doesn’t quite do justice to its design, which can best be summed up as “Hulk Hogan wearing a pair of rainbow-coloured booty shorts.” Because what could be more macho and heterosexual than two muscular men in trunks rolling around on a mat? When the party first discovers a pair of the Rainbow Hulks, they instantly attack instead of inviting Gary and Yosuke to join them in a four-way. Well, that’s just mean.
Current dungeon gayness level: 38% and rising.
Fortunately, the Scooby Gang wins the handicap match (in case you were wondering, Chie and Yukiko hit a double-team DDT on one of the Rainbow Hulks, while Gary landed a shooting star press for the 3-count on the other). As they recover from all the exertion, Teddie stops them outside a closed door and whispers, “Ooh, this presence…” Gary and Yosuke can hardly stand the tension. “Could it be Kanji-kun?” the Invisible Narrator takes a break from jacking it to ask. Spoiler alert: yes, it could. Oh, could it ever.
Inside the room, Kanji stands with his back to the door, apparently dancing to a tune only he can hear. As soon as he senses the party’s presence, he spins to face them, penis microphone in hand. On cue, the sensual sax starts up again. Thanking the viewers at home for their undivided attention, Kanji declares, “At last, I’ve…penetrated the facility. These images are coming to you live from this steamy paradise!” I don’t even know what to say to that. Going on, Kanji laments the lack of “charming encounters” so far, and reveals that his body’s “tingling with excitement.” The males in the group don’t know where to look.
Current dungeon gayness level: 62%. Current player blindness level: 100%.
Eventually, they decide the ground is the best option, which proves to be a wise decision–if they’d been looking anywhere else in the room, they’d have been blinded by the enormous neon sign Kanji produces from thin air. Said sign reads, “MEN ONLY!! Kanji Tatsumi in Rosy Steam Paradise“, like we were still in any doubt as to what this dungeon represents. Also, the Kanji doing all this is totally Shadow Kanji, as evidenced by the tell-tale signs of yellow eyes and supernatural blue fire surrounding his near-naked form. What’s shocking is that the Scooby Gang seems to have realized this already. Maybe there’s hope for them yet!
“Crap…this is so wrong in so many ways…” Yosuke sighs. The dude still isn’t comfortable with his own feelings, so uses casual homophobia as a buffer. Classic case. Gary gives him a dirty look, wanting to remonstrate with him, but there are more important matters at hand right now. “That elusive thing I truly yearn for…will I finally find it here? Teehee!” Shadow Kanji giggles, and then runs off into the distance. “That was his other self…it’s trying to reveal his hidden feelings,” Teddie points out for the benefit of those of us who are slower than a herd of arthritic turtles. He also warns that there’s a risk of Shadow Kanji ending up “bear naked” if they don’t catch up with him in time. Yukiko realizes that he just made yet another bear-related pun, causing Chie to brace herself for the inevitable laughing fit. But this time, there’s a twist–instead, Yukiko just goes, “Uh…was I supposed to laugh?” See, it’s funny because everyone was expecting her to laugh, but she didn’t! Those wacky game designers.
Current dungeon gayness level: 87%. Approaching critical mass.
I should mention that I’m attempting to clear the Steamy Bathhouse in a single sitting, because I’m insane. But if Gary was flagging at all, he soon perks up when he reaches the 6th floor and Shadow Kanji’s disembodied voice lisps out, “Hey there, cutie pie!” Teddie gets all outraged on Gary’s behalf and screeches that his Sensei’s only here to look for Kanji. “OoooOOOOoooh! Does that mean you’re yearning for me?” Shadow Kanji excitedly asks Gary. Well, it feels all kinds of wrong, and admitting it would be somewhat tactless, considering Yosuke’s right there, but…yeah, he kinda is. Who are you to judge him!? Just before fading away, Shadow Kanji promises to prepare “something spectacular” for his new admirer. Christ. Whatever it is, it’s going to have to redefine “spectacular” in order to outshine everything else Gary’s witnessed in here.
Speaking of spectacular, a whole glut of new, fruity Shadows awaits the party on the upper floors of the bathhouse, including magicians in pink costumes and conjoined twins wearing leather fetish gear. All par for the course in this dungeon. After one of these battles, Gary acquires another new Persona, and I feel this one requires further elaboration. You see, it soon becomes clear to me that Ara Mitama is the game’s first outwardly homophobic Persona. Officially, its hateful expression is due to its nature as the angry and violent side of a spirit. But come on, it can’t be a coincidence that it was found here of all places, glowering in disgust at the wanton displays of sexuality all around it. Gary isn’t prepared to tolerate such bigotry in his Persona deck–after all, it’s attitudes like this that have given poor Kanji his current complex–and determines to eject Ara Mitama at the earliest opportunity.
‘I have tons of gay friends! I just don’t want their lifestyle shoved down my throat!’
The group eventually reaches the top floor, fuelled by Gary’s determination to see exactly what Shadow Kanji has in store for him. Miraculously, they even have some healing items left when they get there. Hopefully that includes smelling salts, because I get the feeling Gary and Yosuke are going to need some in a moment. They find Kanji engaged in a heated confrontation with his Shadow self, who’s lecturing him on the perils of suppressing his true desires: “Oh, come now, enough with the charade. Isn’t it awful to deceive people? To deceive yourself…?” Gary couldn’t agree more, Yosuke, but Kanji doesn’t want to hear it. “Ohh, how I hate girls,” his Shadow continues, and then claims that all icky females know how to do is cry and gossip. Man, Chie’s going to love that.
But Kanji’s wariness of women isn’t motivated by simple misogyny. “They look at me like some…some disgusting THING and say that I’m a weirdo…” the Shadow reveals. The gist of his complex is that some girls called him a “queer” when they found out he enjoys sewing and painting. This led him to cultivate a badass biker image in order to make up for his perceived lack of manliness, and now he vastly prefers the company of men. Gary can’t really blame him for that. Of course, Kanji isn’t too happy about his Shadow psychoanalyzing him in public like this. “What makes you think you can say that shit with my face…!?” he cries, gearing up to punch his evil twin’s lights out. “Why, you’re me, and I’m you. You do know that, don’t you?” his Shadow insists. Even though the others really should have learned by now that denying one’s Shadow is a Very Bad Thing, nobody tries to stop Kanji from rejecting his half-naked doppelganger. This results in Shadow Kanji launching an attack on the group in his new, rather different form. A form I don’t think I can adequately describe without using the words “gay” and “extremely”.
WARNING: DUNGEON GAYNESS LIMIT EXCEEDED. DUNGEON WILL NOW SELF-DESTRUCT IN A CLOUD OF PINK GLITTER.
Now, here at VGR we’re no strangers to hoyay. Shit, we’ve managed to turn finding and identifying it into an artform. I’m sure you remember such classic moments as the sexually-charged gunblade duel, the moonlit heart-to-heart, and the myriad phallic bosses encountered in games right across the site. But the boss form of Shadow Kanji surely takes the multi-tiered, rainbow-frosted hoyay cake. Where to begin? First of all, he’s been transformed into a hulking, muscular figure wielding two enormous Mars symbols, just in case the Scooby Gang was still unsure as to which gender he prefers. Kanji’s naked body sits where the head of the monster should be, enveloped in a bed of pink and red roses. He’s also accompanied by two buff, bronzed male friends (Nice Guy and Tough Guy), who periodically strike bodybuilder poses. I’ll give you a moment to take all of that in.
Since Nice Guy loves to buff Shadow Kanji, the main gimmick of the fight is surviving the latter’s attacks for long enough to take out his boyfriends. This is easier said than done when Shadow Kanji likes to use distracting tactics such as moaning, “Hold meee!” or “Gimme more!” just before an attack. None of the three opponents has any elemental weaknesses either, adding to the challenge, but once Nice Guy and Tough Guy have been sent off to grope each other in the showers, Shadow Kanji’s soon out for the count as well. Rose petals strewn at his feet, he expires with a final cry of, “ACCEPT ME!” I think I know what the symbolism is here, but it’s been implemented with such subtlety that it’s hard to be certain.
After the battle, Shadow Kanji has resumed his altogether less flamboyant form and is now lying face-down on the ground. But Gary barely has a second to admire this inviting view before Shadow Kanji gets to his feet, still intent on rushing the group. Go ahead, buddy–that worked out so well for you the first time. As Teddie warns that Kanji is still rejecting his Shadow, and therefore making it more determined, it purrs, “Such a passionate approach…” Why, thank you. Next comes the wham line of the recap: “I think that you three…would make wonderful boyfriends.” Holy shit. Gary’s head is spinning–is this what Kanji really thinks? And if so, what impact will it have on his complicated relationship with Yosuke?
Speaking of Yosuke, he has a strong reaction to this as well, but his is keeping in line with his newfound self-loathing homophobia: “S-stop it! Y-you got it all wrong! I really don’t swing that way!” That’s not what you said to Gary the other night, you dick. As far as Gary’s concerned, they’re SO over now (again) but the breakup talk will have to wait–right now, they still have to deal with someone else’s angst. Shadow Kanji cries out for someone, anyone, to accept him for who he is. The real Kanji, sick of his other half’s drama-queening all over the place, pushes to the front of the group and punches him out. “Can’t believe something like this is inside me…” he sighs, and I’m just going to let that potential for innuendo slide. Standing over the prone form of his Shadow, Kanji admits that he always knew it was a part of him. Cue the Piano and Brass Theme of Acceptance.
“It ain’t a matter of guys or chicks…” Kanji continues. “I’m just scared shitless of being rejected.” So…is he actually into dudes, or not? Gary kind of needs to know, Kanji. But that question remains unanswered for now, meaning that Gary’s even less sure than usual where he stands. Goddamnit. Kanji accepts his Shadow, which turns into his own Persona: Take-Mikazuchi, a Japanese thunder god who’s chosen to cosplay as a huge black robot with a skeleton design. A Black Screen of Well, That Was Certainly Interesting ushers us back to Walmart’s electronics department.
Back in the real world, Kanji declares that his mind feels clear for the first time in forever. That’s good–having such an empty head will allow him to fit right in with this gang. Perhaps feeling guilty over his homophobic attitude inside the Steamy Bathhouse, Yosuke pulls Kanji to his feet and offers to take him home. Interpret that any way you wish–Gary’s silently seething to himself. Kanji’s all, “Uh, about what just happened…” but Chie spares his embarrassment by promising they’ll explain everything to him tomorrow.
That explanation, which will undoubtedly be absolutely riveting and not at all longwinded or repetitive, will have to wait until next time, however. Hey, I need some time to recover after recapping THAT dungeon and the incredible sights therein. In Part 4, we’ll also identify the next victim, meet a hundred new Social Links, and witness Gary, Yosuke and Kanji enjoying hijinks inside a tent. See, that got you interested, didn’t it? Tootledo!