Time to see how the B-team’s espionage mission is going. Tracking Kanji and his date to the Samegawa Flood Plain, Chie and Yosuke stop for a moment and attempt to conceal themselves at the side of a tree. No, that wasn’t a typo–instead of hiding behind it, they crouch down next to it. Somebody really needs to give them some pointers on hiding effectively. Chie declares that she gets “a weird feeling” about the twosome. “What about them’s weird?” Yosuke snaps defensively. How dare Chie, a lesbian herself, insinuate that there’s something odd about two guys going on a date? Since we’ve gone a good ten minutes without a quarrel between these two, they revert to their usual behaviour; when Chie wonders aloud how Gary and Yukiko are doing, Yosuke takes the opportunity to tease her by saying Gary could be hitting on her girlfriend. “Yeaaaah, no. He’s not like you,” Chie retaliates. That’s quite the lame comeback, considering he isn’t even into girls. Get with the program, Chie! “Yukiko doesn’t seem to be interested in that stuff anyway,” she finishes. And we all know whose stuff she’s really interested in.
In a priceless moment, Chie and Yosuke are too busy bickering to notice that their target’s decided to join them. When Kanji asks why the fuck they’re following him, Yosuke tries to play the “We’re just two crazy lovebirds!” card, which goes down like a lead balloon. “Didn’t I see you guys yesterday…?” Kanji interrogates them. It’s obvious to me now that he won’t be joining the party; there’s no place in this group for a guy who can clearly remember seeing somebody the day before. Having had enough of their suspicious behaviour, Kanji chases them around and around the nearby gazebo while protesting that his meeting with Slender Young Man isn’t what it seems. Kanji, no need to explain yourself–they’re both gay too!
*cue Yakety Sax music*
At some point, Chie and Yosuke manage to shake Kanji off, and we cut to them apologizing to Gary for failing their mission. “There was nowhere to hide,” Yosuke sheepishly explains. I won’t mention the tree again. It soon becomes clear that they didn’t do a very good job of losing Kanji, because he suddenly approaches from down the street. “You’re those stupid lovebirds I just saw!” he hollers, causing Gary and Yukiko to exchange “What the fuck did he just say!?” glances. Don’t worry, guys, your respective partners aren’t on the turn. With Kanji visibly growing angrier, Yosuke bites the bullet and asks him if anything strange has happened to him recently. “What’s this ‘strange’ stuff, huh? Are you saying that I’m strange!?” Kanji roars. Hmm, someone’s insecure. Yosuke tries to placate him, but he charges at the group once again, sending everyone running for their lives. Yosuke runs face-first into a wall, which makes me laugh more than it probably should have. Before doing anything else, I make a ten-minute loop of the wall faceplant, purely so I can replay it in the not-too-distant future when Yosuke turns into a giant douche. Whoops, spoiler!
We now cut to the Scooby Gang catching their breath. Hey, we already saw this scene yesterday! Everyone’s concerned that something’s going to happen to Kanji soon, since it’s been a few days since his first appearance on the Midnight Channel. I think it’s starting to sink in that they haven’t exactly made the best job of warning him of imminent danger. Like, I know they couldn’t just go up to him, all “By the way, your life’s in danger from somebody who’s going to bundle you inside a TV set”, but I’m sure they could have done something apart from spying on him and then running away the minute he saw them. When Gary gets home that evening, he gets ready for the now-traditional Midnight Channel viewing, but just before 12am he gets a worrying phone call from Yukiko. And no, I don’t mean it’s worrying because it’s a girl on the other end of the line–it appears Kanji’s gone missing. DUN!
“I had some calls to make for the inn, so I called the textile shop as well,” Yukiko divulges. “When I spoke to Kanji-kun’s mother…she told me that he left the house and hasn’t returned since!” Relax, he probably just went to resume the date you guys so rudely interrupted. Regardless of what Gary thinks, he agrees to watch the TV just to put Yukiko’s mind at rest. He hangs up, stands in front of the screen, and then…and then. Hoo boy. Give me a moment.
The Midnight Channel starts up with the usual burst of white noise, accompanied by the Piano Theme of Mystery and Skullduggery, but something’s different this time. Way different. Kanji rises up from the bottom of the screen, wearing only a loincloth and a flush in his cheeks that would put Ayane to shame. “Hel-LO, dear viewers,” he says in a lisping, ridiculously stereotypical gay voice that I should probably find offensive on some level. “It’s time for ‘Big, Bad Bathhouse’!” Much like Princess Yukiko’s Hunt for her Prince Charming, it appears that his Shadow-self is hosting some kind of TV show, and this one wouldn’t seem out of place on a late-night subscription channel. “Tonight, I’ll introduce a superb site for those searching for sublime love that surpasses the separation of the sexes!” he announces. That’s such a smorgasbord of sibilance that I’m simply stupefied (sorry). As Gary watches open-mouthed, Kanji continues, “Goodness gracious, just imagine the things that might happen to me there. Oooh!” Let’s just say he doesn’t sound overly worried by the thought. Without further ado, he turns and runs off into the distance, eventually being enveloped by a cloud of steam. Did that just happen?
Dude, stop. Gary’s blushing.
For a few seconds, Gary stands in a stunned silence, and then the ringtone of his phone jolts him back to reality. It’s Yosuke, who can’t even form a coherent sentence. “Yosuke’s too flustered to get his point across,” the Invisible Narrator clarifies. I can’t really blame him for that, because so is Gary. If truth be known, so am I, and I’ve already seen the damn thing before. Anyway, the guys agree that the little show they’ve just witnessed proves that Kanji’s already inside the TV, and so arrange to meet tomorrow (usual time, usual place) to discuss Operation Rescue Kanji. Which I sincerely hope works out better than both Operation Stake-Out Kanji and Operation Prevent Kanji from Being Attacked by the Killer.
After some quick, repetitive scenes that don’t really tell us anything new, the group takes a short trip to Hell’s waiting room to seek Teddie’s assistance. If only it were that simple. Nope, Teddie’s in a funk and can’t help them. As I speculate whether the threat of physical violence would help change his mind, he claims that, although he knows “someone” is in here with them, his senses aren’t strong enough to locate the person in question. First, he needs a “clue” relating to Kanji’s personality, so the group must ask around Inaba to find someone with this vital piece of information. Fucking yay.
Because I’m such a nice guy, I’m not going to force you to follow this information hunt in-depth. So, what follows is a condensed version of the following day’s events. In no particular order, Gary asks every freaking NPC in town about Kanji, receives his midterm results (he placed in the top 10, so all that studying paid off) and completes a number of sidequests, including the delivery of the Mori Ranmaru to the functioning alcoholic at the riverbank. None of the rewards are even worth writing about, making me wonder why I wasted my time doing the quests at all, but I suppose it all adds to the rich and life-affirming experience that is this game.
Eventually, Gary bumps into Slender Young Man in the Walmart lobby (hey, there’s more to this place than the electronics department and Food Court!) and asks him if he knows anything about his companion’s recent experiences. SYM senses the urgency in Gary’s voice–I’m just assuming here, because it’s kind of difficult to interpret silence–and confirms that there was something strange about Kanji when they met: “It was something I felt when I was with him…so I told him outright that he seemed to be an odd person.” Okay, that was…kind of blunt for a first date. I wouldn’t assume there’s going to be a second, SYM. “After I said that, his expression changed all of a sudden…I was quite surprised,” he continues. No fucking shit–what kind of reaction was he expecting? SYM pulls out of his well-dressed arse that Kanji must have “some kind of complex.” I think I would have a complex if people I barely knew kept telling me I was an odd person. It’s bad enough when people I do know say it.
Let’s examine what we’ve learned about Kanji. First, that he has a particular aversion to being called “strange” and “odd”. Second, that his Midnight Channel broadcast depicted him as an obviously homosexual guy, far removed from his external personality. I’m sure there must be some kind of link between the two, but I’m just not seeing it. Help me out here, guys?
What, you thought drug dealers usually provide their services for free?
Gary gathers the others at the Food Court to piece together the evidence they’ve obtained. But before long, they notice an uninvited guest–Gary’s new BFF, the fabulous fox. As for how he knew where to find them, your guess is as good as mine. Chie, Yukiko and Yosuke all want to know what the deal is–why the fuck is Gary besmirching their headquarters by bringing mangy wild animals along? He explains that the fox can help them out if they bring him with them whenever they go adventuring inside the TV, but that he’ll require a donation (“for the shrine”) whenever anyone needs to be healed. They accept this almost immediately, as if buying medicinal herbs from a stray fox is the most normal thing in the world. Come to think of it, that is quite normal compared to the shit they’ve been participating in already. And what’s more, the fox will probably undercut whatever extortionate price that hag Shiroku’s charging for medicine. Buoyed by the knowledge that they have some extra help, they pledge to rescue Kanji right now, preparation be damned. To the TV World!
…Okay, we’ll be attempting to save Kanji in a little bit. But before that, Gary has a more pressing matter to deal with. Remember the “powerful Shadow” Teddie was rambling about earlier? Probably not, due to the massive length of this recap, but it’s your lucky day–Gary and the others are off to battle it right now. I don’t make much of an effort in terms of battle preparations, figuring that the fight won’t be too much of a struggle as I’ve already played the game and should know what to expect. Plus, this Shadow’s holed up in the previous dungeon–if it were truly a monster to be feared, capable of slaying the entire party within a few turns, surely it wouldn’t make its home in an area I’ve already cleared. I think you see where this is going.
The monster itself, the Contrarian King, isn’t the most creatively-designed Shadow in the game; in fact, it’s just a larger version of the oft-pregnant King Pringles. Maybe it’s in its third trimester. In hindsight, I really should have remembered how badly the original King Pringles kicked my ass when I first encountered it, but I’m sure you’ll forgive me for not recalling every tiny enemy encounter from previous recaps. After all, I need to concentrate on remembering important plot details, such as Gary and Yosuke being gay. In any event, my performance against the Contrarian King is…well, “pathetic” doesn’t quite cover it. I haven’t witnessed such a horrible and decisive defeat since the Red Wedding. In light of this, I believe I’m entirely justified in renaming that motherfucker the Cuntrarian King. Let us never speak of this embarrassing incident again.
I don’t feel like a complete failure, because I at least had the presence of mind to save the game before committing in-game suicide. Making a note to come back here and wipe the floor with the Cuntrarian King when he’s gained a few more levels, Gary heads back to the lobby of the TV world, where Teddie finally succeeds in identifying Kanji’s location. I hope you guys are ready for this.
Blissfully unaware of what they’re about to experience, the Scooby Gang follows Teddie into what’s easily identifiable as the changing room of a sauna. “Is it just me, or does the fog here seem kinda different?” says Chie, while Yukiko complains that her Hipster Glasses of Clarity +1 are steaming up. “Man, it’s hot in here,” Yosuke contributes, briefly raising Gary’s hopes that he’ll decide to strip off. “This place is like a…” OH, WAIT. Before they’ve even recovered from the shock at discovering where they are, a seductive saxophone starts blaring out of nowhere. A Manly Voice purrs, “C’mere, pussycat…” and in response, a Handsome Voice exclaims, “Oh…such well-defined pecs…” Jesus, this place couldn’t be more gay if Squall, Phoenix, Edgeworth, and the entire male cast of the entire Suikoden series were relaxing inside, and we’re not even technically inside the dungeon yet.
Current dungeon gayness level: 15%. Level stable.
Nobody knows how to react, though both Gary and Yosuke feel some involuntary stirrings. “Now, just relax…” the Manly Voice breathes. Yosuke suddenly cries out that he doesn’t want to go any further, since he’s not confident he’ll be able to hide his sheer delight from Chie and Yukiko. Besides, it would be totally embarrassing if they noticed his boner. “We’re…really going in here? Urgh, I can already feel the sweat rolling down my back…” he moans. Man, he’s such a tease when Gary’s around. Chie dismissively blames his perspiration on the heat of the sauna, but we all know why he’s really so hot and bothered. Gary’s simply itching to start exploring the place, and drags Yosuke inside before he can chicken out and leave. Chie and Yukiko follow behind, wondering what’s gotten the guys so flustered.
So, the Steamy Bathhouse is AMAZING. I’m not really sure where to start. How about the music? Well, just imagine a thumping, dirty, drum ‘n’ bass track of the kind that you might hear in a seedy nightclub and you’ll be on the right track. Then there’s the design of the dungeon itself. Like I mentioned above, it takes the form of a particularly labyrinthine bathhouse, which means there’s intimate lighting and lots of steam adding to the sultry atmosphere. But all this is just window dressing compared to the various…interesting Shadows relaxing in here. This is the point where a dungeon that was simply a tad suggestive transforms into a fabulous hotbed of flamboyance, the likes of which we recappers are rarely afforded the pleasure of experiencing.