The real reason Twink made his way to this dried up hole is to visit his old scarecrow friends, Boner and Pierre. By “friends,” I mean “nightmares,” and Twink doesn’t actually want to do this at all. But he’s going to take one for the team so that Sam and I won’t have to do as much backtracking later on. When Twink makes his way over to the random garden patch, however, he only finds Boner. The preferable explanation is that Ganondorf or the random farmer pulled Pierre from the ground, chopped him into tiny bits, and burned those bits in a fire. Yeah right, like Twink would be that lucky. He slips his Cockarina out of his sack without enthusiasm, and plays the “song” he “composed” the first time he met Boner. I am proud to tell you that even after all these years, I am able to remember the “song” without double-checking my previous recap. Well, maybe “proud” isn’t the right word, but just let me have this one. Boner bounces and spins around in excitement while Twink reluctantly blows his Cockarina. This culminates in the scarecrow verbally ejaculating all over Twink. I hate to think what would happen if Twink had played one of his good songs.
Boner is so grateful to Twink for getting him off with shitty Cockarina music that he decides to “reward” him. All sorts of terrible scenarios run through Twink’s head, but this one is the worst — whenever Twink plays the song from now on, the other scarecrow Pierre will show up. AWESOME. So not only is Pierre not kindling, but he’s animate now. That’s fucking great. And Twink just knows his magical controllers will force him to play this song at some point. Twink hopes that Sam and I hate ourselves when Pierre pops of the ground and carves Twink’s head like a jack-o-lantern.
Twink hopes Sheik never sees this photo.
With all that out of the way, it’s time to advance the plot. But what is Twink supposed to do now? If only someone could remind him for the 500th time. Well, he does vaguely remember something about…Death Mountain? It’s a longshot, but he heads to Cockariko anyway, just in case. Before heading up the mountain path, he stops in at the House of Gold-Assed Spiders to get his next reward for collecting 40 spider tokens. Yet another newly healed redheaded young man stands in the back corner doing deep knee bends. I’m not saying that his deformed spider version was preferable, but is anyone else creeped out by all the identical grinning ginger boys in this house? I’m not sure it’s really that much of an improvement. He presents Twink with an item that looks like Pikachu wearing a Batman mask. This item, a Bombchu, is a bomb that can zoom up a wall. “Aim well and release it!” the Disembodied Item Describer commands. Sexual connotations aside, it’s sad how much faith the DID has in me and Twink. Has he even watched me play the rest of this game? Aim well, indeed.
Now that I have another item I will never be able to use with any success, I steer Twink out the door and up the path to Death Mountain. This is the first time Twink has been back to this area since he awoke from his TurtleNinja coma. He’s so very happy to find the mini-Gohmas still hanging around all these years later. There are also brown Twink-sized round boulders strewn about the path, which is new. These are the same rabbit shit boulders that blocked the Great Fairy’s Fountain near Hyrule Castle. As Twink continues on, he notices a rumbling sound just before an even bigger, rounder brown boulder comes rolling down the path. Now I’m picturing a giant rabbit sitting further up the mountain dropping shitbombs on Twink. That would also explain the endless supply. At least the constant stream of shit boulders managed to avoid the bean patch — the mature bean leaf is ready to float Twink up to the Piece of Ass above Dodongo’s Cavern (protip: Dodongos may still be in there). Awesome — that thing has been taunting him for seven years.
Continuing up the shit-littered path, Twink notices a distinct lack of Gorons. Ugh, Gorons. Twink sighs to himself — he really should stop in and say hello to Darunia since he’s here. He doesn’t want Sheik to get jealous, but he doesn’t want Darunia to find out from someone else that Twink is back in town and hasn’t even been by to see him. On the other hand, that tease Sheik hasn’t even put out yet, so he can’t really expect Twink to be totally exclusive, can he? A man has needs, after all. Then again, what if Darunia is so thrilled to see Twink he asks him for an exclusive relationship? This is so complicated.
Well, Twink might as well get this over with. The rest of the trip to Goron City goes smoothly, which makes Twink nervous. At the entrance to the city, he takes a deep breath and plunges in. The familiar porno rhythm looping in the background causes Twink to experience some unexpected nostalgia. As he heads down the stairs to Darunia’s love chamber, he notices the distinct lack of Gorons in the city as well. Did Ganondorf murder them all, or did they go extinct from their own stupidity? It could really be either. Twink has a moment of silence for poor dumb Darunia. What he lacked in brainpower, he made up for in…hard, rocky moobs, I guess. But wait — Twink hears something over the pounding porno soundtrack. It’s the rumbling sound of a rolling Goron. Unfortunately, this idiotic shithead doesn’t even notice that Twink is standing there full of questions — he just keeps rolling back and forth across the level. Twink has to use his amazing timed archery talent to detonate a bomb flower underneath the oblivious Goron moron. The “Great job, genius!” motif plays and Twink’s reward is that he gets to talk to the Goron with the rolling compulsion. Hooray.
“How could you do this to me? You, you’re Ganondorf’s servant!” the Goron shrieks. “Hear my name and tremble! I am Twink! Hero of the Gorons!”
WHAT.
Twink, confused, approaches the angry Goron, who turns out to be a child. He’s smaller than the average Goron, but he unrolls with the same deep moan as all the others, which is unsettling. Somehow, Twink manages to telepathically transmit his name to Goron Twink. G-Twink gasps, “You must be the legendary Dodongo Buster and Hero, Twink!” Twink hopes G-Twink feels like a real asshole for making him shoot arrows at bomb flowers for three minutes and then calling him Ganondorf’s servant. Does he look like a footman or something? Also, “Dodongo Buster”? Twink’s not sure what to think about that. He hopes it means something phallic and erotic, and that Darunia was the one who started this sexy rumor. Not that he cares to discuss any of this with a kid. G-Twink continues, “My dad is Darunia… Do you remember him?”
WHAT.
…
…
…
WHAT THE FUCK.
Twink starts to hyperventilate as Twink Jr. continues, “My dad named me Twink after you because you’re so brave.” This is terrible. I mean, it’s possible that Twink Jr. is Darunia’s adopted son, but that would be the least disturbing option, so of course that can’t be it. Twink runs through the other, more disturbing, options in his head. First, Darunia could be married to — or fuckbuddies with — a female Goron, and they had heterosexual sex which produced a biological Goron child. That’s gross, but at least Twink isn’t involved in any way, except that Darunia sneakily named their kid after his underage lover. The only problem with this theory is that we haven’t seen any female Gorons in this or any other game. And no, the generic naked Gorons in this game don’t count. Do you really think that the game designers would neglect to plaster awkward rocky tits on the Gorons if they were ladies? Sam offered up another possibility, and I’m putting her name on this one because I don’t want to be responsible for the mental image — the Gorons breed using a giant bloated Goron queen hidden in one of the caverns. We’re not making things any better for Twink’s sanity here. Finally, we have the most sickening option — that Darunia and Twink, through some hideous mpreg scenario, produced a son together. But who is the “mother”? Is it Darunia, his massive potbelly in fact a pregnancy bump? Or did some sort of implantation process take place while Twink was unconscious for seven years, and Twink Jr. was harvested from his body before he woke up? Holy shit. Either way, if Darunia is expecting Twink to pay child support just because he’s rolling in rupees now, Darunia is sadly mistaken.
NOT likewise.
This might be the worst thing that has happened to Twink so far. He doesn’t know if he’s going to vomit or pass out. Meanwhile, Twink Jr. continues to gush over how awesome Daddy Twink is, and how happy he is to finally meet him. I kind of feel sorry for Twink Jr. It’s not his fault he was created by some unnatural act like mpreg or heterosexual intercourse. Still oblivious, Twink Jr. asks Daddy Twink for his autograph and I can’t recap this anymore because it’s sad. But it turns out there’s a crisis in Goron City, and Twink Jr. realizes that it’s more important than begging for an autograph from this panicked looking man in front of him. He explains that Darunia is in the Fire Temple confronting a dragon. A dragon in the Fire Temple — you don’t say. “If we don’t hurry up, even my dad will be eaten by the dragon!!” Twink Jr. shrieks. As much as Twink would not mind that traitor Darunia answering for his crimes, he realizes that if Darunia dies, then he might get saddled with their possible love child. Oh, hell no. Sheik would not stick around for that. No, Twink must ensure that Darunia lives so that he can raise Twink Jr. far, far away from where Twink is trying to get busy with Sheik. And then, as if this day couldn’t get any worse, Twink Jr. starts bawling his eyes out like a frightened Tidus. Man, Twink is so not cut out for this parenting shit. The Disembodied Item Describer (or his cousin, the Disembodied Gameplay Advice Giver) suggests that Twink calm Twink Jr. down by talking to him. Well, Twink’s first choice was to walk away, but it looks like the DID (or DGAG) is forcing him to continue the conversation. Sigh.
Whiskey might also work.
Twink gets two dialogue options here — he can ask Twink Jr. about the dragon or about the Gorons. Twink would be happy if the Goron race ceased to exist entirely, so he asks about the dragon instead. Although Twink Jr. launches into some exposition, his animation still looks like he’s crying. Twink is not good at this. “A long time ago, there was an evil dragon named Volvagia living in this mountain,” Twink Jr. whines. Hold the phone — Volvagia? That sounds like an unholy union of lady parts — Twink was hoping for something a little more phallic. Alas. According to Twink Jr., Vulvagina was a Goron eater back in the day, but the mighty Goron hero, whoever he was, destroyed her (come on, it’s a her) with a massive hammer. Of course he did. Darunia is a descendant of this unnamed vagina-destroying hero, which might have impressed Twink back when he was a naive kid, but that was before he knew what Darunia was capable of. Twink Jr. lapses back into sobbing, which means that Twink is forced to ask about the stupid Gorons. He finds out that there’s a reason none of them seem to be around. “Ganondorf’s followers” kidnapped them all and took them to the Fire Temple. Twink Jr. doesn’t say which followers these were, but I’m curious. From what we’ve seen of Ganondorf, he doesn’t seem to have any type of trained army at his disposal. It’s just ReDeads and Big-Ass Spiders and maybe some vagina flowers here and there. You know, the standard monsters. Which of these gathered up the Gorons? I can’t imagine the vagina flowers would have much success given their lack of arms, and the ReDeads would be too busy raping the Gorons’ faces to herd them into the Fire Temple. Anyway, however Ganondorf managed it, his objective here is to make an example of the Gorons by feeding them to the newly-revived Vulvagina. And in this game, you know that’s the worst possible punishment.