Of course I totally forgot that going to the castle at this point in the game triggers the next cutscene. The moment Twink’s feet hit the ground in front of the castle, he notices it’s all stormy and shit, with spooky lightning and rain and the whole nine yards. It would be funny if it were just a regular summer storm passing through the countryside, but the game designers would never be that subtle. Something evil is afoot! But what? And who could be responsible?
To answer that question, I will direct you toward the dream sequence I described at the very beginning of the game. This is, for the most part, the exact same scene. It was a premonition after all, and not just a product of Twink’s messed-up subconscious. Through Twink’s information gathering during his quest, he now knows that the second rider on Zelda’s horse is none other than Himpa, the inappropriate nanny. When Zelda spots Twink, she chucks something at him, but it misses and lands with a plop in the moat behind him. Okay. Even if we are to believe that Zelda doesn’t throw like a girl — say, she’s been taking lessons from Himpa or something — there is no damn way that she would be able to throw the object that freaking far from the back of a horse that is moving away from the scene. I call Mary Sue shenanigans.
But Twink, as you’ll recall, has bigger issues at the moment. After all, Ganondorf is right behind him, leering from the back of his evil black horse. The dream cut away right around this point, so now we get to see the exciting conclusion. Will Twink survive with his sanity and his body intact?
“Arrrrgh! I lost her!” Ganondorf bitches. This is a lot funnier if you imagine his dialogue in the most stereotypical flaming gay lisp ever. He turns his attention to Twink, who for some reason has not attempted to run back home as fast as his naked legs can go. I think we’re supposed to believe that Twink is rooted to the spot with terror, but I don’t buy that. He’s seen much scarier things than Ganondorf — and some of those scary things even tried to marry him and make babies with him. By now, Ganondorf is about as frightening as a tiny, helpless kitten.
Even so, Twink might have been able to escape notice if not for the brightly glowing fairy bobbing around his head. Once more, Naggy fucks up his life. Thanks again, Dicku Tree. Twink is so sorry you’re dead. Ganondorf figures that Twink must have seen which way Zelda’s horse went, and politely asks our young hero if he would mind sharing that information. In response, Twink takes one step backward. That’ll show him, Twink, you big brave stud! You know, I’m actually surprised that Naggy doesn’t pipe up here, all excited to show how smart and observant she is by giving Ganondorf detailed directions on Zelda’s escape route. But for once in her miserable mistake of an existence, she keeps her flapping mouth shut. Sometimes miracles really do happen.
Ganondorf thinks it’s amusing that Twink is trying to protect the princess — like that’s what’s motivating his silence here. Twink responds by whipping out his sword. The one he wouldn’t mind sticking in Ganondorf. In other words, not his penis, no matter what fanfiction might tell you. “Heh heh heh…” Ganondorf giggles. “You want a piece of me?! Very funny! I like your attitude!” In light of that dialogue, maybe Twink did whip out his penis. Even though it sounded like he just hit on Twink, Ganondorf follows up with a magical energy ball to Twink’s chest. Maybe that’s his idea of foreplay. Evil foreplay.
The magical energy ball managed to knock Twink back a few feet onto his butt. Behold the awesome and terrifying power of Ganondorf! Don’t mess with him, or you might end up with a minor bruise or possibly even a scrape! Ganondorf follows up this impressive display with, “I am Ganondorf! And soon, I will rule the world!”
Wow, you don’t say. How…completely original and unexpected.
Twink finds himself in danger of death via boredom, so he’s kind of relieved when Ganondorf rides his horse off into the horizon. A White Screen of Evil-B-Gone brings us back to the sunny Hyrule Field with the jaunty music we so love, which is not a jarring transition in the slightest. Now, Twink can choose to finish his extra bidness before moving the plot along, but I think that when I taped this, I just figured “fuck it.” I mean, three hours of footage, people. It’s time to get on with things.
The first item in Twink’s to-do list is “Retrieve Zelda’s item from moat.” Now, I know what you’re thinking — what if the item is her Hello Kitty vibrator, which she wants Twink to keep safe for her return? Although Zelda hasn’t shown the same unpleasant level of stalkertude as, say, Ruto, that doesn’t mean Twink should let his guard down. But don’t worry, it’s not a sex toy of any sort. Well, that might be pushing it a bit — after all, it is a Cockarina. When Twink dives into the moat to retrieve it, Naggy busts out with the “Hey! Listen!”, practically humping the Cockarina in order to draw Twink’s attention to it. Given her extra spastic behavior, I just have to see what she has to say about the object. Her words of wisdom? “What’s that?” I will never doubt Naggy again. Clearly, my microscopic, unevolved brain can simply not comprehend the vast knowledge contained within the huge brain of this highly educated fairy. “What’s that?” What’s that, indeed.
Like I said, “that” is a new Cockarina, a rather sleek and sexy blue one. Unfortunately, its color is less like a penis than Twink’s current Cockarina, but it’s the Cockarina of Time. Remember that? In a nutshell, it’s the final item Twink needs, in addition to his pretty jewels, to open the Door of Time in the Temple of Time. When they met, you’ll remember that Zelda promised to protect this special Cockarina from Ganondorf and his terrible fashion sense. And by Zelda’s actions, we learn that the best way to protect an item is to throw it in the general direction of the guy you don’t want to have it, and hope that the guy you do want to have it manages to snag it first.
I mean, it obviously worked in this case, but only because of dumb luck. Emphasis on “dumb.” Speaking of dumb, Twink immediately realizes, upon recovering the Cockarina of Time, that it was all a trap! Via black text on a white screen, Zelda begins to speak with him…through the Cockarina. Well, shit.
The Cockarina also comes with telepathic video footage. As Zelda continues to talk at him, we (and Twink, presumably) see the image of Zelda standing in front of an altar. “Twink, when you hold this [Cockarina] in your hand… I won’t be around anymore…” Twink lets out the world’s hugest sigh of relief. It’s just a prerecorded message! Oh, thank all the goddesses. Although he still kind of hates them.
I’m sure Twink is crying boatloads of tears over that fact.
Zelda blahs some more about how she feels super bad that she wasn’t able to wait for Twink — yeah, Twink’s so upset about that, too — but at least he has the Cockarina now. Or so Video!Zelda assumes. I mean, how does she know some random hick NPC didn’t discover it while taking a bath in the moat? Well, if that were the case, that random hick NPC would now be learning a new Cockarina melody to impress his random hick friends at the local bar.
Zelda tells Twink what I said a couple of paragraphs ago — that this song will open the Door of Time within the Temple of Time. I’ll give you exactly one guess what the song is called, and it’s not the Song of DURR. Somehow, Twink gets pulled into Zelda’s prerecorded video in order to “officially” learn the song. This doesn’t exactly soothe his nerves — what if he ends up permanently trapped in a weird alternate dimension with Zelda? And she tries to get it on with him with hetero sex? Gross! But it’s all a nonsensical illusion, as Twink returns to his own world, Zelda’s final instructions ringing in his head: “Play this melody in front of the altar in the Temple of Time. You must protect the Triforce!”
I don’t know about you, but I think that Twink’s supposed to play some sort of song somewhere. But what? And where? Please help!
Now, maybe it’s just me, but there seems to be a tiny flaw in this plan. Namely, if the Triforce is all sealed up safe and sound in the Sacred Realm, and can only be accessed via the Temple of Time when the three stones are assembled and someone plays the Cockarina of Time…wouldn’t it be best to keep those items far, far away from the temple if you’re trying to keep the Triforce out of the hands of the evil bad guy? Sam briefly alluded to the lameness of this plan back in Part 2, but since we’re right down to the moment of truth here, I thought I’d reiterate it.
Even so, Zelda obviously thinks that Twink is man enough to open the sacred door, grab the Triforce, stick it in his magical bottomless sack along with his Schlongshot and Boomerwang, and mission accomplished. Ganondorf’s plan is foiled! Time to go to the temple. Get it? Time to go to the temple? Oh, I am just the wittiest person ever!
The interior of the Temple of Time is, not surprisingly, where Zelda stood in her little video recording/dream sequence thingy. When Twink approaches the empty altar, he finds an inscription:
Ye who owns 3 Spiritual Stones
Stand with the [Cockarina] of Time
And play the Song of Time
God, could that be any more vague? Stop giving me all these indecipherable clues, game designers! Throw me a bone here!
Okay, I really should stop before they take me up on that final request. Anyway, I also love how the Triforce access instructions are written here for any old evil conqueror to find. Way to go, Hyrule! Protect your treasure at all costs!
I need to get on with this. Twink somehow manages to figure out what he has to do here. When he plays the Song of Time on his sparkly new Cockarina — trying not to gag after realizing that Zelda’s lips have also touched this Cockarina — the Spiritual Stones magically float up in the air, spin around, and arrange themselves over the altar. An orchestral crescendo accompanies the opening of the majestic stone doors.
Hey, it’s the three starter Pokemon again!
The secret chamber holds a single object. An object that is not the Triforce, but something that Twink generally gets in each game after acquiring the first three stones/pearls/pendants/buttplugs/etc. Come on, you guys, don’t make me spell it out here. Fine, it’s the Masturbator Sword. It looks like every other incarnation of the Masturbator Sword, it’s stuck blade down in a block in the center of the chamber, the block has a Triforce symbol on it, and the block sits in the center of a Triforce symbol painted on the dais. Dogs know it’s the Masturbator Sword.
Navi: “Twink, isn’t that…?! It’s that legendary blade… The [Masturbator] Sword!!”
NO! HOLY CRAP IS IT REALLY THE MASTURBATOR SWORD YOU MUST BE LYING!!!!
Ow, this game is hurting my brain and my liver. But I’m so close to the end of this recap. I must…go on…
By now, Twink knows everything he needs to know about holding a sword. Standing on the block, he wraps his hands around the hilt and holds on tight as he frees it from its rocky sheath. Of course, this majestic sequence would not be complete without some magical sound effects, a spinning camera, and a screen white-out. But Twink’s moment of triumph is cut short when some evil music intrudes on his White Screen of Phallic Object Retrieval. Suddenly, Ganondorf appears against the white backdrop, arranging himself in an artsy manner so that only half his face is in the frame. He’s all, “Thanks, dipshit, for doing all the hard work. I sat back and let you get the Triforce for me. Joke’s on you!”
Whoa, I so did not see that coming! Man, that Ganondorf must be a true genius to foil Twink and Zelda’s flawless plan!
Although I’m still a little confused. We know that Ganondorf was going around, trying to be a real dickhole. Say it with me: he infected the Dicku Tree, did all sorts of shit to Dodongo’s Cavern to fuck up the Gorons, and messed around with Jabba’s innards. So what was the purpose of all that? According to the Dicku Tree, Ganondorf was after the emerald, so I can only assume that he was after the other stones as well. If that were the case, though, why not just take the stones instead of going through all that trouble? Just charge into Goron City and grab the fucking ruby instead of going all passive-aggressive with the Dodongo stuff, you know?