Twink has exhausted all his possibilities inside the Dicku Tree save for that dumb web-covered hole back on the main floor. Fortunately, he figures that since he has worked his way to a point almost directly above said hole, he can use the force of gravity to break through the web. Or, he could just go back to his village and not get sticky spiderwebs all over his new shorts. But I can’t let him do that or you guys would be deprived of the uplifting experience of reading Cockarina of Time recaps.

In order to jump off the ledge, Twink must first dispatch one of the BFSs blocking his way. I can’t describe how truly awesome it is to constantly have these fuckers dropping down and swinging around right in Twink’s face. I didn’t need those extra years on my life anyway. When Twink finally dispatches the nasty arachnid, he takes a leap of faith, hoping his mysterious controller won’t spaz out and miss the web-covered hole completely.

Success! Just as Twink planned, he manages to break through to the lower level. Down here, which I assume is the Dicku Tree’s root system, someone built a waterway, complete with barred openings. They were kind enough to place some torches down here, too, although one might think that this would be a bad idea inside a giant tree. And don’t tell me Ganondorf is responsible for all this shit either — I’m pretty sure he didn’t come down here with his construction tools and home dec kit.

Anyway, Twink kills a couple more Gold-Assed Spiders and collects their shiny tokens. And what’s really special is that I get to read the same explanation of the tokens every time Twink collects one! That never gets old! Twink burns the webbing off of a nearby door using another flaming Dicku Stick. This room contains another Dicku Scrub who grovels to Twink after its simple defeat. I’m beginning to think these Scrubs are into S&M because they all call Twink “master” and this one speaks of punishment when he gives Twink the answer to a riddle up ahead: “You will never beat my brothers up ahead unless you punish them in the proper order.” Well, Twink’s always open to new practices, but again, not with a trio of wooden, mulleted midgets. The Scrub squeaks out the punishment order (2 3 1, in case you care) before hopping off to the great unknown.

Twink nearly shorts out his brain trying to figure out how to unbar the next door — the one with a giant eye above it. Hmm, if only he could find some way to hit the eye. Some sort of projectile fired from an implement with just the right combination of velocity and aim might allow him to accomplish this goal. Wait! Twink knows just the thing!

I think you’re going to lose that bet.

There’s only so much I can say about these puzzles, people. The next room must connect to the intricate waterway system, as it contains the same barred openings and about six or so feet of water. Naggy gives Twink a lesson in diving — again ignoring the giant green button with the word “Dive” on it. At the current point in the game, Twink can only dive for three seconds before automatically returning to the surface. This becomes important later — I’m not just writing filler. For now, this is long enough to allow him to hit the underwater switch that lowers the water level for a short period of time. Now he can ride the moving platform across the room without running into the giant, spiny rod that stretches all the way across. Maybe Ganondorf did come down here and do some remodeling, apart from just putting his magical monster curse on the tree. I can’t think of any other explanation for such a torture device. Then again, I don’t know all of the Dicku Tree’s fetishes.

Moving on. Another BFS guards a crate track on the other side of the room. By this point, it’s pretty clear that Twink will spend the rest of the game with pee-soaked shorts, caused by the constant shock of spiders dropping in his face. And that’s Twink, not me. Not at all. Naggy gives Twink another exciting lesson on crate moving and climbing, which saves him from the fate of not reaching the next doorway.

I believe I’ve pretty much covered the gamut of puzzles Twink will encounter in the dungeon. One room contains an unbreakable stone door, immune to both Twink’s rolling attack AND his Schlongshot. Something truly awesome must lie behind it, like a naked Kokiri boys’ choir, but he’ll have to find out another day. He can hardly wait.

Twink eventually finds himself on the other side of the waterway in the first underground room. Another web covered hole leads to another underground level. Luckily, Twink gets to light the web on fire instead of plunging directly into it. He likes both flames and penetration in general, and even doesn’t mind getting sticky stuff all over himself when it comes down to it, but when it involves spiders, it’s just a perversion of his preferences.

The level below the waterway also contains water, but it’s not connected to the water from the level above. It’s a good thing whoever built the waterway also managed to create such a leakproof series of chambers. And all this inside a giant tree. Again, your guess is as good as mine. Also, the current room contains a whopping three Dicku Scrubs all in a row. This seems familiar, but Twink can’t retain information without getting an explanation in a variety of font colors every two seconds. Obviously, this is the trio whose magical riddle was revealed by the upstairs Scrub. As the brothers shoot their loads at Twink (and I’m sure this is not the first time he’s been in this situation with triplets, if you follow me), he must reflect them back, hitting them in the right order (2 3 1, DURR). The final Scrub throws a predictable shitfit over having his secret outed, choosing to reveal Queen Gohma’s secret in some sort of misplaced revenge. I mean, I’m not complaining about boss strategy hints, but it’s not like Gohma did shit to this guy. Whatever, Scrub. I imagine these guys are the irritating outcast snitches of the Dicku forest.

Anyway, the shocking strategy is to attack Gohma with the sword after stunning her. I would make a snide remark about the obviousness of such information, but then I realize that Naggy’s own contribution would probably be something like, “You should try to defeat the boss!!!” So this is a brilliant strategy in comparison.

Given everyone’s assumption that Twink is dumber than a bag of Rinoas, it’s a good thing that the next door leads to the boss chamber. Otherwise he might forget the Scrub’s information! As soon as he enters the dim, foggy room, the camera gets all fancy, swinging around and zooming in on Twink. This is a cheap way of adding atmosphere, like the slamming door and spidery skittering sounds don’t give us a gigantic hint that This Is Supposed to Be Creepy. At this point, the only thing keeping me from shitting myself is the knowledge that Queen Gohma isn’t a bigger version of the skull spiders.

Anyone who’s ever played a Zelda game — or read Sam’s recap of the Gohma battle in Wind Wanker — should know that Gohma is always a one-eyed boss. It’s taking all of my willpower not to make a repetitive one-eyed monster joke. Although this Gohma is apparently a female, so the penis comparison wouldn’t apply. “But wait!” you might say. “Perhaps Queen Gohma is a transvestite, or even a male-to-female transsexual!” And that would be a good point except for the fact that Gohma gives birth to mini-Gohmas that harass Twink throughout the battle. I’d say the evidence is pretty much stacked in favor of Gohma as a girl.

I don’t think a straight male designed Gohma’s eyeball.

So anyway, Gohma is supposed to be a giant spider — or, as the Offical Boss Title that appears on the screen calls her, “Parasitic Armored Arachnid GOHMA.” Either way, this is the first arachnid I’ve ever seen that has four legs. At least I think it’s four. At any rate, it’s less than eight. And don’t forget the birthing tube hanging out of her back end. Also, her single colorfully-decorated eyeball looks like it belongs in Twink’s jewelry collection rather than Jeanne’s Nightmares from Hell. In other words, not that frightening. Except for the birthing tube, but we’ll get to that later.

Gohma likes to walk around the ceiling, out of reach of Twink’s targeting fairy. When she drops to the floor to grab at Twink with her four legs, he shoots his seed right into her eye. As expected, this causes her to fall down in shock. Cue insane slashing with Twink’s sword, and not the kind of slashing you might find on fanfiction.net. Although Twink would gladly take part in that, too. Well, depending on the pairing. Anyhoo, I lied before when I said that Twink disregarded all the fancy sword techniques he learned in the Training Center. For some reason he tries to get all elaborate and use the jump attack on Gohma. He quickly remembers why he originally decided just to stick to his mad B-button flailing. And that’s because he sucks. His sad attempts at swordfighting cause the battle to take at least twice as long as necessary. Stupid, klutzy Twink.

As I mentioned before, Gohma often spontaneously spawns via her birthing tube, dropping her irritating larvae right on Twink’s head. And this succeeds in creepiness where her legs and eyeball fail. If there’s anything more disturbing than spiders, it’s the “miracle of life.” Just don’t show me Gohma’s resulting vaganus, and I may be able to get through the rest of my life without too much mental scarring.

Twink fends off Gohma’s insta-babies, becoming even more grossed out by the ladies if that’s at all possible, and eventually stabs her in the eyeball enough times to earn the overdramatic death sequence. For his troubles and spider trauma, Twink receives a sparkly, crystalline Ass Container. I didn’t even have to tell you that because, hello, this is a Zelda game. Nor should I have to tell you that Twink rides the magical teleportation butthole ring back to the Dicku Tree meadow. But he does, just so we’re clear.

Nasty.

From the meadow, the camera pans up the length of the Dicku Tree, still in his blowjob position. Maybe it got stuck like that from holding it open too long. Not that I’d know anything about that. I can’t get any, remember? I’m just going by what I read from fanfic, because it’s always totally realistic. Anyway, the Dicku Tree is all, “Thanks for clearing out my spider problem even though every enemy except Gohma will continue to regenerate. But you’re still totally brave and shit. In other words, courageous. Hey, do you want to hear some more exposition?” Only with more thees and thous. Strangely, Twink can respond yes or no to the Dicku Tree’s offer. I couldn’t tell you whether or not the “No” option works, since I’m so used to getting screwed over by fake choices (see: Final Fantasy VIII) that I just end up picking whatever the game wants me to.

Here we go. The camera slowly zooms in on the Dicku Tree’s gaping mouth as the Dicku Tree informs Twink that “a wicked man of the desert” was responsible for the curse. Even though the Dicku Tree acted all ignorant over the source of the evil when Twink last spoke to him. Whatever. The trip down the Dicku Tree’s throat fades into a vision of Ganondorf riding his horse with flames in the foreground. This serves two purposes: to cram down our throats the fact that Ganondorf is evil and to show off their kewl new N64 graphics engine, which by now looks about as impressive as Final Fantasy VII. I would still have a bit of trouble understanding the mood they’re going for here, even with the constant mentions of “evil” and “wicked,” as well as the flames and the creepy black horse. Thankfully, as in the dream sequence, they stuck some thunder sound effects in the background to eliminate any ambiguity. Whew.

“This evil man ceaselessly uses his vile, sorcerous powers in his search for the Sacred Realm that is connected to Hyrule…” the Dicku Tree anvils. This endless exposition becomes a whole lot funnier if we imagine that the Sacred Realm is just another term for Twink’s ass. “For it is in that Sacred Realm that one will find the divine relic, the Triforce, which contains the essence of the gods…” he continues, confusingly using blue text to describe an item famous for its fabulous golden color. But who are these gods that injected their essences into the Triforce and now live in Twink’s ass?