After a brief moment of consideration, Twink decides that maybe it’s not the Dicku Tree’s fault after all. Perhaps this curse is like one of those STDs that affects mental functioning. Yes, that’s the only explanation for the Dicku Tree’s failure. Maybe if Twink breaks this curse, the Dicku Tree will come to his senses and replace Twink’s fairy with something a little more acceptable. Pumping his naked eight-year-old legs like Seymour’s speeding after him on a Segway, Twink rushes toward the Dicku Tree’s gaping maw. He doesn’t notice any herpes sores around the lips, but he makes sure not to touch them anyway as he eases himself in.

The Dicku Tree, massive though he may be, is in no way as big on the outside as he is on the inside. He’s, like, dungeon-sized in there. Hey, wait a minute! And sadly, he’s let himself go. Or the curse fucked him up. Twink’s never been invited to the Dicku Tree’s inner sanctum before, so it’s not like he really knows. Either way, when the camera gives its obligatory tour of the Dicku Tree’s innards, we see mottled, puke-colored walls and spider webs covering pretty much God damn everything. Oh, how awesome for me — two of my biggest fears. At some point, someone was kind enough to build walkways and ladders in here, making Twink’s travels easier. How lucky and convenient for him!

Twink discovers two more aspects of the Dicku Dungeon soon after I gain control of him: more of those Infected Blue Penis Flowers (a.k.a. Dicku Babas) and cuttable grass stalks that regrow. The latter allows Twink to regain as many hearts or other supplies as he needs, so he and his klutzy controller might have a fighting chance of beating this dungeon.

More disgusting webbing covers a hole in the center of the floor, and Naggy has something pressing to say about it. Namely that Twink can use his first-person viewpoint to look through the webbing. This fantastically helpful hint allows Twink to see a pool of water at the bottom of a pit. Wow, fascinating. His birdlike weight prevents him from passing through the webbing, so it’s not like he can do anything about it at the moment.

Flipping Naggy the bird for wasting his time like that, Twink climbs up to the next level, a pathway winding around the inside of the Dicku Tree’s trunk. Kinky! When Twink reaches a wall with a 2D texture map that vaguely resembles vines, Naggy suggests that Twink use said vines to climb the wall. But wait! The “Crap! Enemy Nearby!” music causes Twink to look up at the wall first. What he sees there nearly causes him to wet himself. And he’s not alone. It’s a God damn spider the size of a small dog. I made my arachnophobia very clear in the last Wind Wanker recap, but this is no goofy-looking pig spider. This is the real deal, complete with long, skinny, banded legs, skittery sound effects, and a giant fucking skull likeness on its back. It spins around in place, legs twitching, searching for someone to terrorize. Now, we all know that Twink is a manly man, but even he has his limits. And his limits require that the Weasley Triplets kill errant spiders for him. We’re talking dinky spiders the size of a fingernail, too — not even close to the size of these monstrous motherfuckers. In other words, Twink would rather go on a weekend getaway with Saria than to climb this spidery wall.

Naggy belatedly warns Twink about the huge-ass spider right above his head. Her words of wisdom? “Be careful not to touch it!” Ohhhhhh. You see, I thought I was supposed to walk up to enemies — particularly oversized venomous spiders — and touch them. Thank goodness Naggy is there to give such awesome advice! The Dicku Tree has truly blessed Twink by allowing him to bask in the presence of such a genius. Twink rolls his eyes and retrieves the dungeon map from a nearby giant treasure chest.

At the end of the path, Twink finds a door set into the wall. Why the Dicku Tree has a finely-crafted door inside his trunk, Twink doesn’t really want to know. Naggy takes this opportunity to offer more advice: “You can open a door by standing in front of it and pressing A.” Jesus God. I realize that the Kokiri don’t have actual doors in their homes, but this is not rocket science. Even in terms of gameplay, I think that I can fucking figure out how to open a door, especially since the giant green circle in the upper corner of the screen that corresponds to the A button changes to read “Open” when I approach a door. Cripes. I pray that the designers of Kingdom Hearts never, ever collaborate with the designers of Cockarina of Time. They’d probably make tutorials on how to press a controller button.

A barred door prevents Twink from exiting the room until he takes care of its current inhabitant. This creature, a new specimen to us, is a Dicku Scrub. Like anything else bearing the Dicku moniker, it’s plant-based. Basically, its head resembles a wooden testicle with a constant blowjob mouth and a leaf mullet. Similar to the Octos in Wind Wanker, the Dicku Scrub stands in one place and shoots nuts out of its mouth at Twink. When Twink gets too close, it disappears into its little leaf pile. The technique for defeating the Dicku Scrub is similar to beating the Octos — reflect the projectiles with the shield. After Twink redirects the Dicku Scrub’s nut back into its face, the Scrub emerges from its leaf pile and hops around like a drunken rabbit until Twink catches it.

Twink quickly learns that Dicku Scrubs are giant wusses only interested in saving their own wooden skins. They’ll say (or do) anything to prevent penetration from Twink’s sword. Which is just as well, since Twink doesn’t want to sully his blade on a creature with a mullet. This Dicku Scrub proves more useful than Naggy, however, as it gives Twink a hint on avoiding harm when falling off cliffs. Not that such a thing would ever happen to the nimble and agile Twink. The Scrub shits out a heart and runs offscreen, magically disappearing forever without even opening a door.

With the doors unbarred, Twink can enter the next room which has about the lamest puzzle ever. Twink’s current location and the far side of the room are raised above the rest of the floor. A wooden platform hovers over the floor between these two locations, allowing Twink to jump over to the other side. But oh noes! The platform shakes and disintegrates when Twink stands on it, so he must be quick! Except that a pair of viney walls allows Twink to freaking climb up to the other side if he falls. So the wooden platform was about as useful as Tidus in a sex ed class. And from what I recall, Twink doesn’t encounter large numbers of these types of platforms, so it’s not like it was even for practice. I guess I just feel kind of used.

The Dicku Scrub and this mindbending room puzzle both guarded the dungeon’s secret treasure, as Twink soon discovers. And I’m not talking about a Kokiri-sized ball gag. Nope, it’s the Fairy Slingshot — a wooden, Y-shaped implement that fits in Twink’s hand and allows him to shoot Dicku Seeds. Therefore, I shall rename it the Fairy Schlongshot.

Just think, children are playing this game.

With his newfound treasure gripped firmly in his sweaty, shaking hands, Twink turns back to the exit. He finds no climbing vines leading up to the alcove. He’d be up shit creek if someone hadn’t taken the time to build a ladder in the room. This would be the most boring game ever, in fact. The ladder currently hangs from the ceiling, and once again, Twink would be up shit creek if he had not previously received the Schlongshot. But he did! A single small seed bouncing off one of its rungs is enough to knock the ladder into the perfect position, allowing Twink to climb back to the door. Crisis averted.

With this projectile weapon, Twink can now shoot the shit out of those gross wall spiders blocking his climbing route. Twink finds, to his great and immeasurable joy, that the spiders drop down right in front of him — or even on his head! — when he shoots them. Thanks, game designers, for such a beautiful, life-affirming experience. Truly, I am shaking in awe and crying tears of joy.

Three spiders in his face later, Twink climbs the wall to the upper level. There, he discovers something even more horrifying and unacceptable. As he runs past an opening in the central webbing, a GIANT MOTHERFUCKING SKULL SPIDER DROPS DOWN RIGHT IN HIS FACE. Seriously. Its body is bigger than Twink. It drops down from the God damn ceiling. Twink will never sleep again. For chrissakes, he doesn’t have a door on his house or glass in his windows. WHAT IF ONE OF THESE SPIDERS GETS IN?!?!?!?! Ugh. His scream would echo all through Hyrule.

UGH.

Twink runs past this monstrosity, praying that he will not have to deal with ten billion of these things throughout his adventures (poor Twink), and heads into another door. Somehow, he manages to open it. I don’t feel like describing this room in excruciating detail, because that shit’s boring even for me, but it essentially introduces Twink to a few things: using Dicku Sticks to light torches, timed switch puzzles, and another Big Fucking Spider (BFS) hanging from the ceiling. Awesome. Twink dispatches of the BFS first, because there is no God damn way he can function in a room when there are spiders in it.

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The secret to defeating the BFS types is to walk close to them until they fucking drop down. Urgh. As they hang there, taunting me, they periodically turn around to expose their segmented underbellies, allowing Twink to use the Schlongshot on them. It should come as no surprise that it requires more than just a rolled-up newspaper to defeat these mutated mofos. Like their smaller brethren, the BFSs crash to the floor in front of Twink during their death throes, long spindly legs brushing against him. Fuck this.

Jesus Hootenanny Christ!

Twink finds the Comp-Ass in here, like that’s enough of a reward for dealing with freaking Shelob. He also finds something that makes him wonder if he might have murdered and raped kittens in a previous life. I’m speaking, of course, of a third variety of spider. If Twink were not so afraid of the eight-legged types, he might actually admire this specimen. After all, it has a fabulous shiny gold body. This kind of spider just spins in place on the wall, not bothering to attack Twink, for which he is highly thankful. It’s still gross, though.

As I mentioned before, the targeting system in this game involves Naggy, like Twink can’t figure out how to lock onto an enemy standing right in front of him. Strangely, Naggy can’t target the gold spider, so Twink must rely on his own shitty skills in that department. When he manages to defeat it, it leaves behind this glowing skull token thingy. The game makes a huge fanfare when Twink picks up this item, all, “WOOHOO! You destroyed a gold spider! Here’s your proof!” There is actually a point to this, but Twink currently has no fucking clue what that is. He almost expects some hot muscular babe to pop out of the small treasure chest in front of him, but that would make his day not suck, and clearly no one’s going to let that happen.

Incidentally, when my husband and I were in Florida last month, we saw these spiders with shiny golden designs on their butts and subsequently named them “Gold-Assed Spiders” for lack of an actual name. So now you know what I’m going to call these guys, should Twink encounter them again. Which he will, otherwise that would be the most random sequence ever. Well, next to the disappearing wooden platform.