King Triton thumps his chest and postures for a minute about how he’s the man and no slimy swimming Heartless are going to come in here and bust up his hizzouse. Then he launches into a lecture about Ariel’s reckless behavior while she pouts. He also wants to know just who the hell Junior, Goofy and @$%#!!! happen to be, and if he should kill them next. You don’t really want to ask me that question, Kingy, not right now. Sebastian tries to smooth things over by announcing that our lads are before “King Triton, Ruler of the Seas,” and they’d better show some respect, goddammit.

Somewhat mollified, King Triton’s prepared to take the “We’re from far away” excuse (like father, like daughter), until Goofy blows things out of the figurative water by blurting out that he, Junior and @#%$!!! have come to find the Keyhole. Oh, shit. Goofy, honey, you didn’t blow your cover so much as cover it with honey, give it a full-course sensual tongue massage and swallow. Nice going.

Of course Ariel wants to know all about this Keyhole thing. Goofy starts to explain, sending King Triton into Autocratic Daddy Mode and he cuts in, lecturing, shouting, and forbidding Ariel to leave the castle. You would think that after this tactic has been tried and has failed for centuries with headstrong, silly young men and women alike that parents could come up with another way, but no. Folks, “Because I said so” only works when they’re five. After that, I recommend heavy-duty sedatives. Ariel pouts, leaving the throne room with our lads behind her. Ten’ll get you twenty that as soon as she gets to her room, the strains of Morrissey or the Cure will come wafting out as she pours herself into a morose, black writing-paper poem about wilting kelp or some such. I’d recommend How Soon is Now? by the Smiths for some good, bitter sulking music, Ariel.

Now comes a heaping helping of exposition and a severe beating with the Plot Mallet, disguised as a private conversation between King Triton and Sebastian. Along with a little self-analysis from Kingy on his parenting tactics are a lot of “clues” *whap* about the Heartless seeming to originate from Ursula’s Grotto *thud* and how she poses a serious danger to the wonderful world of Atlantica. *bampf* Kingy also chastises Sebastian. His job consists of keeping dear, sweet, silly Ariel out of danger, and he’s obviously been asleep at the wheel if three weirdoes got in to the throne room without so much as a security check. Sebastian sidles away, red with shame. No doubt he’ll try to make it up to us later and fail miserably. Well, look at it this way, little crabby guy. At least Kingy didn’t push his toupee out of his face, point his finger at you and say “You’re fired” in an annoyingly superior way. He saved you one shred of self-respect, and for that you should be grateful.

With that out of the way, we switch back to Junior and pals, free to travel these crystal waters of fun without impediment. And what do you know, but there’s a save point in King Triton’s Throne Room, handily concealed in yet another shell. Oh, lucky day! Another part of this world that I won’t have to do again, yay!

Ariel corners Junior outside Triton’s Palace, asking if we’ll come with her to her “grotto.” Now, I don’t know about you folks, but the word “grotto” just sounds like a slightly grubby slang word for female parts instead of a cozy little undersea cave full of sparkly stuff and teen angst. Let’s hope I’m wrong.

Before Junior takes Ariel up on her offer of a good time in her grotto, I take time out of fighting the Heartless and learn a new skill that will surely become valuable in later life — dolphin riding. See, there’s this lovely, smiling dolphin happily gamboling about in the water just outside of Ariel’s Grotto. If you clear the area of Heartless and target him just so, he’ll swim off really quickly with Junior hanging on to his dorsal fin like some brain-dead remora on a crack-addled shark. @#%$!!! and Goofy go along for the ride, and what @#%$!!! does to that poor dolphin ought to be on a Greenpeace protest poster. Tuna nets be damned, most dolphins would happily become Starkist Choice Chunks if avoiding that net meant that an octo-duck would squat on their heads for a little joyride.

After they’re done playing with Flipper, Junior and the others return to Ariel’s Grotto to see what our little mermaid wants to show them that’s so frickin’ important. A large stone slab blocks the entrance to the grotto, but Junior shifts it with no trouble. It must have pneumatic hinges or something. Inside the music shifts to a piece that’s pretty and slightly ethereal, and I swear to God if it breaks into “Part of Your World” I’m going to scream.

Before we can get a good look around, Ariel has some angst to get off her seashell-clad chest. See, all the things in her grotto must’ve come from the other worlds out there, making Atlantica that much more like our own oceans, especially when you think of the crap we get washed up on our shores. Ariel wants to see the other worlds out there, maybe find this Keyhole people are going on about, but her Daddy still treats her like a little girl! I swear, if a mermaid could stamp her foot, she’d be doing it. What’re you going to do, Ariel, dye your fins black and get an Emily the Strange bikini top at Hot Topic? Yeah, that’ll show the old man who’s boss won’t it? The scene ends by cutting over to the entrance to the grotto and Sebastian, carefully doing his lackey duty by listening in, a worried expression on his crabby little face.

Once Ariel’s done whining, Junior is free to take a look around the Grotto. It looks like your auntie’s basement on the night before the First Lutheran Ladies’ Auxiliary Jumble Sale. Layer upon layer of crap sits on rough stone shelves, arranged any old how. Hell, Jimmy Hoffa could be in here somewhere and we’d never know it. Fortunately, if you’ve got a good eye and know just where to look, you can pick up a few goodies here and there, like a Mega-Potion and a Torn Page. (but no puppies — so no drooling over the black leather-clad Riku clones in Deep Dive just yet – oh, hell, I gave it away, didn’t I?) The camera pays loving attention to a shimmery trident indentation on the wall at waist level to Ariel and Junior. Dammit, game designers, why, why I say must you be so vague and hide things from me? Why can’t you be blatantly obvious and shove the fucking Keyhole down my throat like you did in Traverse Town that last time? Why all the mystery?

Junior’s had all the fun down in Ariel’s Grotto that he can stand after seeing the Shimmery Trident of Non-Obvious Clues and so he turns to leave. Ariel tags along, the little hussy. As they leave, two huge eels swim into the grotto and the music turns from slightly ethereal to slightly sinister. I wonder what this could mean? It certainly couldn’t mean that Ursula’s hench-eels Flotsam and Jetsam have infiltrated Ariel’s Grotto and have solemnly sworn to be up to no good. That’s just crazy talk.

Crazy talk or not, my suspicions are confirmed when I see Junior and Ariel happily swimming along, being viewed in what looks to be a cauldron. Oh, and look, Ursula the Sea Witch has taken on the coveted role of Exposition!Woman, feeding us tasty little tidbits about her evil plan in a chain-smoker’s rasp. I never would’ve guessed that she was in league with the Heartless if she hadn’t told me. I’m glad we’ve cleared that up. Now, go brush your teeth and have a breath-mint, Ursula. Chaining unfiltered Lucky Strikes and drinking coffee all day is going to be the death of you, I hope you know that.

Ursula’s had herself a good gloat, so we can now go back to Junior in peace. He leaves the grotto and heads back to the palace for a quick save, restock, refresh and equipment change. Outside the palace, it’s fight, swim, fight, swim, collect stuff and wonder why the hell a thunder spell used in an ocean environment doesn’t turn the entire world of Atlantica into a huge pot of seafood gumbo.

In the Undersea Valley, Flipper provides yet another ride to a new area, the Sunken Ship. The Sunken Ship area has a few goodies that we’ll need, like an Elixir and a mythril shard. Oh, yay, now I can bask in the illusion that one day, one day, if the planets align themselves and Squall turns straight that I can collect enough Mystery Goo and synthesize an Ultima Weapon! Yeah, right. Playing this world has been hard enough on my sanity, dear readers. Playing charades with the little mushroom guys would probably send me right over the edge and into the lands of the lost, where wearing underwear on your head is a cutting-edge fashion statement.

Junior, @#%$!!! and Goofy head down to the hull of the Sunken Ship, and as they do so, the camera pulls back to “hint” that they’re being watched by something. Something big, with lots of big, pointy teeth and a triangular dorsal fin that just so happens to be swimming around not too far above the Sunken Ship and comes down to break through a large mullioned window before swimming off again. Oh NOES! Fortunately, the prize for being vaguely menaced by a huge Disney-esque shark is the Crystal Trident. Good thing I didn’t have to do anything strenuous, like a boss fight or anything.

Outside the Sunken Ship, you do have the option to test your mettle against the big, bad shark for one of many, many leveling showdowns. Let’s just pretend that I didn’t do that and had enough sense to hightail it back to Ariel’s Grotto to advance the plot, shall we? I mean, it’s nobody’s fault but my own that I was too stupid to follow the omnipotent Brady Guide’s instructions on getting out without a scratch, isn’t it? Isn’t it?

Okay, calming breaths. Deep, cleansing, calming breaths. Remember that high production costs and slick paper do not a good strategy guide make. Don’t think about the $14.99 you gave to help further the perpetuation of this guide and Dan Birlew’s career…

Shit, it’s not working. Let’s just move on – after I go pour myself a glass of ammonia with a bleach chaser. Be right back, okay?

Back in Ariel’s Grotto, Junior takes it upon himself to do a little decorating, inserting the Crystal Trident into the Shimmery Trident of Non-Obvious Clues space, for a lovely bas-relief effect of sparkly goodness. Ariel shows up to eye the thing in rapacious glee like a slightly taste-deficient soccer mom at a Home Interiors home party. Don’t forget your free hostess gift of a lecture, young lady!

That’s right. Daddy Triton has come to crash the party yet again. I swear, this guy’s no fun at all. He’s like, so totally uptight about a little plot furthering and shiny admiration. In a fit of Daddy-rage, Kingy teaches young Ariel a lesson, using his Trident-Penis to smash the sparkly Crystal Trident into a bazillion glittery pieces. It’s the final straw for poor Ariel. She’s off for a really good sulk this time. She might even stay out after curfew, what do you think about that, you decrepit, shiny-hating old fart?

With Ariel gone, Kingy drops the bomb on Junior and his buddies. The jig is up, Kingy says with parental gravitas. He knows they’re not from another ocean, but from *gasp* another world! Considering that the whole of Atlantica is comprised of this one ocean, the fact that anyone bought this dumbass excuse in the first place is more shocking that this pathetic bit of voice-acting. I mean, really, game designers, a coherent plotline’s not all that hard. Couldn’t you try, just once? C’mon, one coherent plotline for your Auntie AG, that’s all I’m asking.

But we’re not done yet. See, Junior is shocked — shocked, I tell you, that Kingy knows all about his little subterfuge. And since there’s nothing stopping a Daddy-lecture when it’s worked itself up, Junior’s got to stick around for a talking-to on the duties of the key bearer and the rule about not meddling in other worlds you visit. Going forward, to save us all time and trouble, I will be referring to this as the Prime Directive, just because I can, and because I haven’t had a good Star Trek reference in my recaps yet. I mean, Jeanne got to talk about Data’s wang, so this is relatively painless compared to that, right?