Although Guldove is tiny, it still has a bar, of course. Obviously, there’s nothing else to do in the town. And who does Cronabe find there, but Doc, whining into his beer. “…Another life is about to slip through my hands…just like before,” he clumsily hints at his backstory. When he keeps on with the self-pity, the bartender, a young lady with Sailor Moon ponytails and a short schoolgirl dress, basically tells him to shut his piehole, as he’s the only one who can help Steve. Sailor Moon (real name Orlha) says, “I don’t know your past. Living bound by the past is a very painful thing. So get over yourself and quit being such a giant wuss.” I like her so far. Her only flaw seems to be a problem with longwindedness, as she manages to give him the same message in about ten different ways. Finally, Sailor Moon kicks him out with the admonishment that he needs to do something more productive than sit there bitching.
After all this, Doc still insists on being Whiny McPitycakes, as he dorks, “I have done them a discourtesy…I am a failure as a doctor, but I must do what I can.” He’d be off my LiveJournal friends list in about two clicks. He thanks Sailor Moon, and then swishes his hand off to the side like he’s brushing away the invisible person playing the world’s smallest violin. I think if I were his patient, I would die from irritation. To put it another way, his bedside manner needs a bit of work.
Yes, you should start breeding so you don’t lose your lame stories…WRITE THEM DOWN, ASSHOLE.
Cronabe has no time for this crap, so he and the others hightail it out of the bar. On the second level of the village, Cronabe finds the village shrine, where Chief Direa — I’m going to make a wild guess that this is the village chieftain — is too busy praying to see them. In other words, I have to trigger some dumb plot point in order to come back here. Meanwhile, Cronabe “entertains” himself by talking to a random NPC about the 6 Dragon Gods, who were first mentioned by the woman to her sick child in Termina. This dude’s story is basically consistent with the lady’s (yes, I’m as shocked as you are) — the 6 Dragon Gods descended from on high to seal evil away forever and ever and make everything happy. Oh, but this is folklore, so this dude can only regurgitate what he’s heard and not add anything useful.
That’s pretty much the whole village. What an exciting place. Cronabe returns to the hut where he awoke earlier. Speedo stands by the window, sulking. This is actually Speedo’s house, and the purple-haired woman of size is none other than Speedo’s mommy. He lives at home with his parents. I think that says it all. Speedo, in spite of his smiling avatar, is in a foul mood. Cronabe has done the ultimate evil by choosing not to save Steve. For fuck’s sake, I don’t see Speedo doing much to help her out either, so where does he get off being such a dickhead? If he’s going to be all bitter and bitchy to Cronabe, shouldn’t he put on some pants and go find some Hydra Humour? But no, it’s easier just to stand there and be an asshat. Suck it, Speedo.
Speedo brushes off Cronabe for being too “distracting,” of all things. So he pisses you off immensely, but you can’t help checking out his manly bandana? Dude. Cronabe runs out of the room as fast as his silent legs can carry him. Luckily, Doc has returned to Steve’s bedside, so Cronabe can visit the bar in peace. Some other NPCs have shown up as well, also pleased to find that the local drama queen has vacated the premises. Cronabe finds out a wealth of exciting and meaningful information from them.
Most notably, a small dude who looks like Mr. Potato head in a suit of armor and bell-shaped helmet exposits all over Cronabe about the Hydra Marshes that no longer have any Hydras. Mr. Potato Head used to live in the marshes, but it’s all shitty and poisonously poisonous there now. That means that he can bestow his finest possession upon Cronabe — a French Tickler. Excuse me, a Green Tinkler. This thrilling item will make the plants of the marshes respond to him. Uh…I’m sure this will come in handy at a later time. Not in the same way as a French Tickler, I dearly hope. Although there’s a good chance the plants are phallic. Call it a hunch.
According to another NPC, it hasn’t rained for a while, and even Water Dragon Isle — which I’m going to guess had a lot of water — has dried up. We know by now that no information is random. But since Cronabe doesn’t even have the means to leave this island at the moment, he sure as hell doesn’t care about that island’s predicament.
Sadly, the only way to advance the plot is to talk to Wanker Speedo again. Cronabe, in spite of Speedo’s less-than-enthsiastic reception, asks to borrow Speedo’s boat. And I don’t think he’s talking about the yacht in Speedo’s shorts. At least, I hope to God not. As this inquiry has about as much chance of succeeding as Rinoa’s attempt to seduce Squall, Cronabe gets a face full of derisive laughter and a refusal.
But before Speedo can say what he really thinks, his mom shows up to chew him out. Although she has an avatar, and is thus an Important Person, her name is only given as “[Speedo]’s ma” at the moment. She has the same speech impediment as her son, as is evident from her admonishment to Speedo: “Don’tCHA start arguin’ with me! Aren’tCHA gonna help your friends when they need you?” She nags him some more, and if I cared the least bit about that little weasel, I’d think she was a giant bitch. As it is, she gets full marks from me. Speedo stomps his foot like a big baby and whines that Cronabe and the others aren’t his friends. “Why should I lend my boat to guys who abandon their own partners!?” he snits. Um, wasn’t he the one who said that Cronabe barely knows Steve, not fifteen minutes ago?
Ma Speedo points out that she won’t let Speedo give up on his partners. Okay, I guess I was just confused. Apparently, in this universe, “partner” means “person I may have talked to once.” It sure cuts down on that pesky character relationship building. “Hmm, I don’t see that blonde girl in red. What happened to her?” Ma Speedo asks obliviously. Strangely, Speedo doesn’t point out that said girl is the cause of his entire snit. Ma Speedo asks Cronabe just what in tarnation is going on, as we segue into the Black Screen of Exposition. The lights come back on just in time for Ma Speedo to say, “That explains why you were upset when you came back…You’re a helpless boy aren’tCHA.” Before Cronabe can get indignant, he realizes that she’s talking to her wanker son. She points out that Cronabe didn’t exactly say that he wouldn’t save Steve, just that he didn’t know what to do. A perfectly acceptable response, in her opinion. Little does she know that Cronabe has no desire or intention to help Steve, and he does nothing to disabuse her of this notion. “What would you have done if you were in his shoes?” Ma Speedo asks, in spite of the fact that Speedo was right there and did make the same decision. Jesus, it’s not like there’s some rule of the universe that says only Cronabe is allowed to help Steve. Well, I guess it’s the Law of RPG Contrivances. I meant that there isn’t any good reason.
Speedo pretty much admits he’s a worthless dillweed, as his mom forces him to apologize. She also tries to get him to lend them his boat, but he balks, as it’s his only boat and he has such an exciting life of sailing around doing nothing. Despite the fact that Ma Speedo told him to go with them, he just spouts out some lame refusals. This particular bit of contrivance allows Ma Speedo to accompany the team in Speedo’s boat. In turn, Speedo gets stuck doing his chores and watching over his little sister, Mel. Ha-HA. Predictably, Speedo squats on the floor and pouts. If he and Tidus and CHAOS!!! were ever in the same room, I think the universe would implode in on itself in a supernova of wankst and wang.
Now that Ma Speedo is on their team, she gives them her proper name, Macha (to go along with Korcha and Orcha…GET IT?!). So I guess that would make her Meedo, by my naming scheme. Fair enough. She tells Cronabe and the others to meet her at the boat. But first, she awkwardly urges them to go visit the village shaman. “You look like you are lost, and she might be able to help you get back on your path by randomly giving you a new task…” Meedo lamely says, right before running out the door. She runs back in a moment later and pulls something out of a jar to give to Cronabe. It’s……a new window frame! SCORE! Except not. There went another wasted thirty seconds of my life.
Cronabe follows Meedo’s advice and returns to the shrine. The burly shirtless guy at the door informs him that this is the “Dragon Shrine.” Wait a minute, I think I’m noticing a pattern here. We have the 6 Dragon Gods, the Dragon Tear, the Dragon Shrine, the dragoons, the dragon stable, that tower with the dragons on it from the opening scene….are they saying that dragons are important? I’m still a little bit confused, so maybe someone will enlighten me. Anyway, Chief Direa (also known as Shaman Direa (also known as Shaman Diarrhea because I’m twelve)) lives here.
Cronabe enters the tent to find a rather typical shrine. A mystical pile of rocks sits on a dais in the center of the room, flanked by torches and phallic stones. A lonely save point lurks in the corner. Chief Diarrhea kneels in the center of the floor next to a magical-looking lady with white hair. She is Steena, the shrine maiden and possibly lesbian lover. From her, we find out that Chief Shaman Diarrhea also has “High Priestess” as one of her titles. Cripes, we get it. Steena invites Cronabe to ask Diarrhea for guidance, which he presumably does, using hand gestures.
No, he’s just kidding.
“…You possess a young but gentle air about you…” Chief Shaman High Priestess Diarrhea basically calls Cronabe a wuss. “Hmm? There is an odd wind that is whirling about. I have heard that such windbearers appear at times, but…” Which would be Clue-By-Four Number Fifty Kazillion that Cronabe Is Really Fucking Important. This is truly groundbreaking territory for in RPG. Cronabe silently informs the Chief Shaman High Priestess that he’s from another world and his counterpart died ten years ago. Diarrhea thinks this may be why he’s so odd. No! She has no clue how to return him to his home world, but she has one suggestion from out of her ass: “The Land of Genesis. Your only key may lie there…” Of course it has to be something profound-sounding like that and not, say, Hicktown. The Land of Genesis, as Diarrhea explains, is a “Dimensional Distortion.” Sure it is.
Okay, who farted?
With this new and convenient information under his belt, Cronabe turns his silent attentions to Steena. “El Nido has long been called ‘The Land Where the Dragons Sleep,'” she comments, thumping Cronabe on the head with the rather painful Dragon Mallet. “There are islands named after Dragons…and numerous Dragonian ruins and artifacts,” she continues, until Cronabe lies on a fetal position with bruises all over his cranium. Of all the dragony islands, the three “most famous” are Sky Dragon, Earth Dragon, and Water Dragon islands. Again, I am astounded at the creativity involved in naming dragons after various elements. For once, I would like to see the Shit Dragon, the Plastic Dragon, and the Velour Dragon. Well, maybe not the Shit Dragon. As for the ruins she mentioned, the creatively-named Fort Dragonia is “one of the few that is still fully functional.” Now, I’m not a Star Trek fan, but thanks to my nerdy and perverted husband, I will never be able to hear the term “fully functional” without my mind turning to Data’s, quote, “fully functional” robot wang. While some people (who shall remain nameless so I don’t get killed) would not mind this imagery at all, I am scarred for life.
Anyway, now that Steena has awkwardly introduced the Fort into the conversation, Diarrhea helpfully mentions that the “Dragon Tear” is the key to Fort Dragonia. We’ve heard about this object before. “It was given to our ancestors by the extinct Dragonians as a symbol of our friendship,” Diarrhea exposits. Although it has been in the hands of the successive shamans for many years, some jackwad recently showed up and stole it. If said jackwad uses it for its intended purpose, this would be Very Disastrous and Bad. And of course the local Guldove investigative squad can’t find the damn thing, even though it’s undoubtedly shiny.
And…that’s it. They just unloaded all that information on Cronabe for no reason whatsoever. I mean, of course Cronabe’s supposed to go hunt it down and save the day, but a reason beyond some vague doomsday predictions would be nice. Like, how does it help Cronabe solve his problems? Steena offers to answer anything that Cronabe wants to know. Well, things that happen to be related to the “plot” and not actual useful stuff like “How do I program my VCR?” or “Where’s the clitoris?”