Cid, breaking my heart and ignoring me, goes on about his “real” job that he should be getting back to. What is his real job? Screwing mini-game fans out of their hard-won munny Gummi ship maintenance and repair. Well, he doesn’t say it right out, but that’s what it is, I promise. We can visit him in the First District in case there are any doubts. Now it’s Aeris’ turn to hog the limelight, or the fanboys are going to start crying. Don’t deny it, I can hear you sniveling from here. You’re getting the added bonus of Yuffie, so I just don’t want to hear your complaints. I’ve only got Squally, Riku and Cid — er, oh, fine. Let’s just move on. Aeris has been thinking about “that bell”, while I’ve been thinking that perhaps next time the game designers could write a game for someone with more than a millisecond’s short-term memory, because it’s been a very short span of time since the point about the bell was driven home by Cid in the Accessory Shop. Dammit, if my addled brain can remember it with ease, then a youngster with far more free brain cells shouldn’t have any trouble. That’s what’s wrong with you kids today. You’re always running hither and yon. You’re all caught up in your frivolous amusements with no thought to serious, important things like…something…thingy…oh, damn. I’ve forgotten what the important thing was. Where were we? Something about a bell, was it?

Ah, yes, the bell at the Gizmo Shop! Yuffie says there’s a legend about it, while Aeris chimes in that no one can get up to the Gizmo Shop now, it’s all boarded up and stuff. Oh, great. Another chance for Junior and the others to offend the Soccer Moms with a spirited portrayal of the Glory Hole Racing Team is just what we all needed. Cid tells Junior to ring the bell three times to see what happens. Unfortunately, I happen to know that “ring his/her bell” is used by the older set as a metaphor for sexual congress, and this puts a bad spin on Cid’s words. Stop looking at me like that. I’m totally serious.

Junior just can’t wait to get to the bell-ringing festivities, so as soon as Cid’s done talking, we’re free to leave. In one of the many, many random battles between here and the Second District, Junior learns “Blitz.” It’s fitting on so many levels.

Here in the Second District, we’re presented with a pretty view of the fountain, which incidentally has little golden carvings of bells all around its basin. Excuse me if I don’t make some smart-ass comment along the lines of “I wonder if that means something?” The game designers have insulted our intelligence enough for this round without me doing it too. Yes, the bells mean something, and as soon as I get past all these little lightning mages flying around, we’ll find out what it is. I’ll give you a hint; it involves a Keyhole.

Junior heads into the Gizmo Shop fights some flying Heartless soldiers with bat-like wings, and leaves through the door on the other side. Here there is a very obvious ladder that he must climb, and so he does. This leads to a ledge where more Heartless mages await, along with the legendary bell tower with its heathen Red Trinity mark proudly displayed for all the world to see. You can imagine what happens next.

This is SO wrong.

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Junior does as he’s told and rings the bell three times. On each ring, the background image of the fountain rotates once to show a different scene. The second one shows a particularly pretty scene with trees, the third shows butterflies in what looks to me like an early 19th Century style usually associated with the artwork you’d see in English houses of the time. I could be wrong, but I’ve seen the full A&E version of Pride and Prejudice so many times I know the lines by heart. The lovely people at the BBC and A&E wouldn’t lie to me, so that’s the date I’m giving to the art style and that’s all there is to it. Anyway, once this pretty little scene of butterflies makes its way around, the fountain jets kick in and water shoots up to the sky in a joyful display while the picture goes all sparkly to reveal the Traverse Town Keyhole in a blaze of lavender-white light and a lovely little tinkling sound. Wasn’t that exciting? I never would’ve figured out where the Keyhole was if Cid, Aeris and Yuffie hadn’t told me!

It turns out that Junior is as anxious to get this over with as I am, so he makes a beeline for the Keyhole, his Keyblade at the ready to do its duty. Good thing, too, since the Keyhole has such an invitingly clear path leading up to it. Why, there’s not a Heartless in sight! That is, until the big brother of the first Purple Helmeted Warrior shows up to kick Junior’s ass. That kinda puts a damper on the “let’s lock the Keyhole” thing.

Behold the Purple Helmeted Warrior!

PHW2 goes down deceptively quickly the first time, leading Junior to a false sense of security. Then it floats its disembodied pieces back up and reverses its torso, hands and feet and forms itself into a creature with a cannon for an ass. He must’ve stopped off at Irvine’s Tex-Mex Cantina and Whorehouse on the way here if he’s feeling explosive in his anterior regions. PHW2’s visor also drops to show his cute little Heartless face, or more precisely, his lack thereof. There’s just two little yellow eyes, like Vivi. Aw!

This time PHW2 is a cast-iron bitch to beat, since he can not only shoot you with his amazing cannon ass, but his parts like to fly around in all directions and hurt you that way, too. Nevertheless, he does finally succumb to the frantic Keyblade swings of Junior and the spinning shield of Goofy. @%$#!!! spent most of the battle sitting on his ass knocked out, but I’m sure you knew that already. Our reward for this decisive battle is a level up and the Aero spell. We now control the power of wind! Insert your own fart joke here, after the cannon ass you can rest assured that one’s implied.

Now it’s time to lock the Keyhole once and for all. As always, Junior steps up, points his Keyblade at the Keyhole and before you can say “Wham, bam, thank you, ma’am”, the deed is done. Junior must’ve made this particular Keyhole very happy, since it turns back into the lovely butterfly scene instead of a mirror with “You impotent bastard!” written on it in red lipstick. We get another navigation gummi for our trouble. I wonder if it’s green. I like the green gummies the best, since they taste like melon. Well, in the gummies I get, they do. Still, who convinced the game designers that we wanted gummi pieces as our reward? Whatever happened to good old-fashioned munny, huh? Instead, we get lovely gelatinous cubes that can be taken to Cid along with our munny to build a ship that looks like any other gummi ship and flies like a one-winged albatross in a sling. How is that a reward for a good deed, I ask you? Oh, it’s because the game designers hate me. I forgot that for a minute there.

Junior dutifully makes his way to the First District, stopping off to save in the Accessory Shop since there’s no way in hell I’m going to do all this over again. And that, dear friends, ends this episode’s Adventures with Junior & Pals. Join us next time as Sam shows us a whole new world with Aladdin, Jafar, the Genie and one hella annoying world that’s second only to Atlantica on the annoyance scale. Until we meet again!