Many years ago, when the world was young and full of promise, we traveled on a wondrous adventure through the land of Spira with three independent, strong, lovely young ladies as they discovered the world, and maybe a little bit about themselves. Just fucking with you–Jeanne tagged along as Spira’s entire population continued to kiss Yuna’s bare ass and she somehow still managed to have no self-esteem without the presence of her man, or in this case, her frosted man-like douche product.
So what are YRP and the Dullwings up to now? Are Yuna’s buttcheeks chapped yet? Has Rikku dipped into negative respect points on Paine’s Excel spreadsheet and now she has to wear Paine’s spare gimp mask as punishment? Let’s find out!
We last saw the girls aboard El Celsioso, and Yuna wastes no time in wasting a bunch of time talking to everyone on the ship, including the Chocobo Fan Club in the cabin, I guess because I sustained a brain injury and forgot they have nothing of interest to say, ever. Back up on the bridge, Rikku is complaining that her Lesbianc Syndicate uniform is “too baggy,” like that isn’t true of every piece of clothing in the universe when it comes to her. Paine just reminds them, “We need three uniforms,” since Yuna and Rikku get confused if they run out of boobs to count on.
This is still not okay.
It’s been ten seconds and I already hate everyone on board, so Yuna may as well check with Buddy to see what missions are available. Yuna ignores the Guadosodom hotspot, instead noticing that something is going on in the Calm Lands. The mission text reads, “We let Clasko on the airship, but he seems eager to move on… Should we let him off?” Jesus Christ, why are they waiting for Yuna to approve this? Give him the shittiest parachute on board and wave goodbye, already! Yuna accepts this “mission” and teleports down to the Calm Lands, where I hope to find a Clasko-shaped crater.
Of course, I am disappointed. “This is it,” Clasko breathes as he stands alone, gazing out over the valley. “Something tells me this is where I’ll find my calling!” Maybe Clasko is the one true love of Fanboy Bachelor and YRP can wrap up that particular errand a couple chapters early. Clasko turns around to Yuna, who was standing a few yards behind him this whole time like a creep, and announces himself in her debt, like literally everyone in Spira, but who’s counting? And with that, he takes off with surprising, unsettling speed down the cliff and across the plains toward the eastern edge of the area. Yuna watches him go and does not throw any banana peels in front of his feet. Eventually, she gets the option to follow him, and I am compelled by the Almighty One Hundred Percent to acquiesce.
It turns out Clasko was pumping his stubby legs to reach the old monster arena. When the girls arrive, Clasko is clutching his head and wailing, “Aww, now what am I supposed to do?” Turning to Yuna, he goes on extremely pointedly, “I was sure this would be the perfect spot, but…it’s infested with fiends!” Paine rolls her eyes and tells the other two, “I get the feeling he wants something.” How can you tell?!
WATCH OUT, YUNA!
It should be noted that the whole time they’re talking, the magical moving dragon head to the right of the entrance is flicking its tongue toward Yuna’s ass. Not that this is unusual behavior. Yuna gets away from the roving tongue and talks to Clasko again, who is still clearly expecting Yuna to pick up on his subtle signals and do her womanly duty to smooth everything over without him having to ask. “Argh! I’m so close, so close!” he adds, keeping one eye on Yuna to make sure she’s paying attention to his suffering. “Help Clasko with his fiend problem?” a text box asks, sparing Clasko the need to use his words. Of course she’s going to, because she’s Saint Yuna, and because this game is an endless parade of chores I don’t want to do for undeserving assholes.
And hoo boy, is this mission a chore. The doorway leads to what must have been the kennels for giant Marlboros with penis tentacles and the other horrible abominations that used to reside here. The kennels, arranged along hallways in a fork shape, each contain a fiend that is staring in some direction. Most of the fiends are illusions, for reasons which are never explained, and YRP can only clear out the area by finding the real ones and killing them. The key is to find the single fiend all the other fiends are looking at like they all just smelled a fart. Easy, right? Oh, except when one hallway has nothing but fucking elementals that have no discernible face. Which is, of course, exactly what Yuna encounters. And when Yuna, who is so strong, remember, perseveres through this setback and is sure she has the real fiend dead to rights…nope, it’s fake. Even when the game finally takes pity on me and puts little red arrows above their heads indicating which way they’re facing, I still manage to guess incorrectly. Fuck this.
I haven’t even gotten to the very best part: after running in circles like the pantsless moron she is for several minutes, Yuna finally succeeds in finding a few real fiends, and the third such discovery activates a battle with two Queen Coeurl. I am not going to scour through the recaps to see if we’ve mentioned these hellbeasts yet, but they are basically leopards with fabulous sparkly red whiskers who cast Death Blast on our young lesbian heroines.
It should not surprise you to learn that, after several years of not playing this game, I did not prepare especially well for combat, particularly against a foe armed with annoying instant death spells. And in my hubris, I decide to hurry up and get this done without rearranging the girls’ equipment or dresspheres, since I can always fix those after Clasko is well in El Celsioso’s rearview mirror. I am relieved to report that this oversight on my part only led to YRP dying and having to restart the entire mission once.
Once they’ve cleared everything out, Yuna waves to Clasko to indicate he can come further into the cave. Oh my God, no, not like that. No. But Clasko is on his back, trembling, facing some unseen horror in a nook across from the save sphere. This is Clasko we’re talking about, so it’s only a group of faceless water elementals, which may as well be fluffy bunny rabbits compared to the fucking Coeurl. Black Mage Rikku takes them out like it ain’t no thing.
This final obstacle to Clasko’s happiness overcome, he announces that he can now make his dream come true: “I’m going to start a chocobo ranch!” This place is awfully dank for a ranch. It looks more like a potential lair for the Ninja Turtles. “No one will bother me here,” he goes on, like everyone in Spira was just banging down his door before. “I can finally raise chocobos in peace.” Yuna wishes him luck (Paine pointedly does not, because she, like me, does not give a shit) and the ladies turn to leave, but before they can get away Clasko cries out in anguish, “Oh, no! I can’t raise anything without a chocobo!” Sphere Recorder Bob, from his perch in the rafters, wobbles drunkenly as if he’s overwhelmed by Clasko’s sadfeels. Paine’s like, “Oh, that really is a terrible problem YOU have.” Rikku just swings her arms back and forth in one of her usual alien gestures of sympathy.
Score, broseph!
Once the official mission is complete, the Gullwings are presented with another, unofficial one: they are now able to capture chocobos during battle. Clasko provides some instructions I don’t read and hands Yuna some gysahl greens that she’ll throw out El Celsioso’s windows momentarily, since that sure sounds like something I won’t be doing in this recap. Fuck off, Clasko!
Even though doing so runs the risk of finding a chocobo and inadvertently helping Clasko when I am so not in the mood, Yuna travels on foot from the monster arena chocobo dude ranch to the travel agency, and since there are people here, there is precisely zero chance she won’t be recognized by somebody. Our lucky celebrity spotters today are two Ronso children. Of course, they are Lian and Ayde, the dippy youngsters who ran away from home to search for Elder Kimahri’s long-lost dildo. Despite her promise to Garprick, Yuna has done no searching whatsoever for these two, so it’s pretty nice of them to just throw themselves in her path like this.
Lian makes with the introductions, since Ayde seems like the quiet (i.e. grunting) type, and Yuna is sure to say hello to her in her slowest, most saccharine voice, like Ayde is a frightened toddler. Anyway, Lian is just so thrilled to meet her, like everyone is. “Lian and Ayde hear many stories of Lady Yuna,” he tells her. “Elder Kimahri tells of your journey together.” I bet Kimahri’s stories are a delight. “Kimahri walk. Kimahri fight. Yuna summon. Yuna marry bad Guado. Yuna shove tongue down throat of blond choad. Everyone fight Metroid. Choad die. Kimahri happy.” When Lian asks Yuna not to tell Kimahri she found them, it finally clicks for Rikku that they are the children who ran away from the mountain, like there was any chance they were some other unaccompanied Ronso children. “Kimahri’s really worried,” Rikku tells them, and as the three of them agree to drag the kids back to Daddy, they run off, and the girls can do nothing but stare after them. Another rousing success for the Gullwings!
Back on El Celsioso, Buddy hasn’t found any new missions, but he did get a call for her from “Kimahri, the Ronso elder!” She knows who he is, dude. “Maybe he’s found a treasure sphere?” Buddy adds. He’s probably just moping again, but Yuna may as well find out. To Gagazet!
Kimahri is standing at the base of the mountain as before, sternly watching over the single-digit remains of his proud blue cat people. When Yuna comes up to him, he doesn’t even say hi before he starts wallowing in despair. He opens with, “Kimahri sorry.” Ugh. When Yuna asks why, he answers, “Kimahri look for sphere for Yuna. But Kimahri find nothing. Kimahri disappoint Yuna.” Well, God forbid Yuna ever be disappointed. It might tilt the world off its axis.
“It’s all right, Kimahri,” she tells him, since he sounds ready to kill himself over this. You guys, we found someone with self-esteem more screwed up than Yuna’s! “Of course, I’m happy that you tried to help,” Yuna goes on, “but Yuna has to deal with Yuna problems.” Yuna also has to deal with everyone else problems, for some reason. This game. Anyway, Kimahri has been all over the mountain hunting for more spherical home videos of Yuna’s dead boyfriend, but he has yet to look in one place: “Fayth Scar rises high on mountain,” he says for, I guess, Paine’s benefit. “Scar is sacred ground which Ronso not tread.” You know, except when they do, Kimahri. There might still be spheres up there, Paine reasons, but Kimahri is all worried that the masses of bored trust-fund babies taking up sphere hunting might “defile sacred ground.” Tightass walked around up there so I don’t know what else could be done to it. Rikku wonders, “Do you think it’s [Lesbianc] and her goons?” No, it’s all the douchebag sphere hunters. Jesus Christ, Rikku. So Kimahri gives Yuna permission to head up there and check to make sure none of those other disrespectful sphere hunters are peeing on any religious artifacts. They certainly won’t be looking for any spheres themselves, wink.
Now that that’s settled, Yuna gets ready to hike up the mountain, but not so fast, hooker boots! The Almighty One Hundred Percent will be forsaken forever if she doesn’t make sure to talk to Kimahri a second time. Touch the fucking moogle! The moogle starts expositing again, making me hate his tiny-horned face. “Ronso youth filled with anger,” he tells Yuna. “Hate Guado. Kimahri must stop fight. But Kimahri not wise enough.” To get full completion credit, Yuna has to respond to this with a little tough love, so she tells him he has to figure it out his own damn self. “Kimahri agree with Yuna,” he says in the least surprising line of dialogue ever. “Elder who rely on other…not worthy.” But Yuna didn’t mean it like that! She doesn’t want anyone to feel bad for even five seconds! Too bad for her, though, because this was still what Kimahri needed to hear and he tells her his burden is now “lighter.”