Last time, Sam took us through the festering hell of the Gunner’s Gauntlet, as well as the Seymourtastic Chocobo Adventures of Calli. Despite the many opportunities to screw us all out of the Almighty 100 Percent, Sam came through it with flying colors. Or did she? Unfortunately, most of the time you don’t know until Chapter 5. What a fun game!

Foolishly continuing to follow the Brady Guide and its lovely pictures brings me to the next exciting destination: Mushroom Rock Road. And boy, if you thought the Yuna tonguebathing was bad before, you’d better just stop reading now. Upon heading toward the entrance to the Youth League area, Yuna and company are spotted by a group of lazy Youth League bastards standing around shooting the shit. The morons pee themselves in excitement as a guy with Tightass’s voice wanks, “Well, I’ll be. So you really are gonna join the Youth League!” Continuing with the metaphorical rimjobbing, that asshat Yaibal runs over and starts squealing in his girl voice over this most fantastic development. Except that Yuna is obviously not going to join the Youth League. I would say that even Yuna’s not dumb enough to align herself with this band of dildos, but…yeah, that whole Tightass thing kind of negates that statement.

Regardless, Yuna and the others are going to remain free as birds (GET IT?!) and not join up with either faction, no matter how much the game designers hit us over the head with YOUTH LEAGUE RULES, NEW YEVON DROOLS!!!! stuff. “What an occasion! I have long dreamed that this day would come,” Yaibal blathers on. Good lord, dude, get a grip. Now, I can kind of understand the excitement over the prospect of an important public figure joining your group. Like if Tetsuya Nomura put down his crackpipe and signed his teenage-girl-ogling ass up for the VGR forums, I guess that could be fairly neato. Especially if he shared the crackpipe with the rest of us. But it’s not like such an occurrence would merit me sticking my e-tongue up his e-ass. I certainly wouldn’t fantasize about it. Ew.

Yuna passively tries to tell Yaibal that even though she’ll hump Spira’s biggest wanker, she’d rather not be associated with the Youth League, thanks. Yaibal doesn’t seem to notice as he promises a grand welcome at Youth League HQ. Well, that’ll be a new experience for Yuna — most of the time people just ignore her. “If you’ll excuse me, I have duties to attend to,” Yaibal lies, running off. Seriously, if he has actual duties — and he’s not just hiding behind a rock formation, jacking it — then I’m screwing Tightass.

Well, I’ve been through worse, so I may as well check out the joint. The good news is, while I still have to wind my way through all the screens proceeding the HQ, several pairs of sycophantic Youth League losers “clear out all the enemies” for me. I’m all for approaching the end boss with insane levels, but sometimes it’s nice not to fight a battle every two steps. To make a giant understatement. Although it’s kind of humorous when the choads are all “We’ll protect you!!!!” to the girls, like YRP couldn’t wipe the floor with them.

WHEW. I know I’m relieved.

Incidentally, if I am to believe the strat guide, should the Dullwings choose to give New Yevon the AWESOM-O sphere, the Youth League dickheads attack them all the way to headquarters. While I’m sure that striking them down with magic and pointy weapons might be therapeutic, I’m kind of glad I don’t have to deal with the hassle. The downside is that Baralai will never do it with me now. Sigh.

Yuna runs along after the escort, as I note that “clearing out fiends” consists of walking along doing nothing. I realize that it would be kind of ridiculous to actually animate all the Youth League vs. Fiends battles, but I’m still going to point and laugh. It’s my job. When Yuna and company approach the area leading down into the Den of Woe, Buddy suddenly contacts them via the magical intercom. “We’re picking up some weak sphere waves near you,” he hints. Rikku, obviously a sphere hunting expert, looks back and forth a few times and doesn’t spot it. We’re seeing years of training at work here, folks. Buddy points out that maybe they should check the ravine. It’s kind of odd to see someone in the group who has actual sphere hunting and problem solving capabilities. Even though they appear to be intermittent.

Unfortunately, the Youth League doesn’t see fit to clear out this detour, since they’re a bunch of douchebags. But that’s okay, because when the girls encounter Nooj at the Den of Woe, it’s just a better fanfiction opportunity! Speaking of disturbing prospects, Sphere Recorder Bob makes sure to slowly pan up Nooj’s entire back side. I can barely contain myself at this extended view of his Pubic Hair Ponytail (or PHP if you prefer) and tight-jumpsuit-clad ass. Rikku appears to not mind, clearly relishing this opportunity to check him out. Paine broods in the corner — Christ, Yuna and Rikku really will drool over anything with a cock.

Mmm, baby.

“Is something the matter?” Yuna wonders, catching Nooj’s attention. He’s all “Oh, hello, ladies.” Or at least he would be in that fanfic I mentioned. He indicates the door with the nine phallic protrusions, noting that it’s sealed. A powerful wizard is probably responsible, I’m guessing. Only a certain kind of sphere can open the door, Nooj says, “But this one isn’t enough.” Wait, there are numerous sphere slots in the door, but a single sphere won’t open it? How bizarre!

“That’s the end of that, then,” Yuna retardedly says. Seriously, I can’t even think of anything to say to that, it’s so freaking stupid for a supposed sphere hunter. I know, I know, we’ve already covered that she’s a shitty one, but it’s like in FFX where we knew Tightass was a wanker right from the start and he still managed to do wankier and wankier things even when such a concept seemed impossible. Anyway, Rikku manages to refrain from screaming “DURRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!” at her cousin, but points out that it is, actually, not the end of that. “Oh! I know! Why don’t you let the Gullwings take on this mission?” Yuna changes her tune, feeling extra smart.

It would take all day to answer that question.

Nooj seems a bit skeptical when he asks if they’ll actually find all the spheres. “On my honor as a sphere hunter!” Yuna says without any irony whatsoever. “Of course, we won’t do it for free…” And there’s the fanfiction rearing its ugly head again. Nooj doesn’t even have to think about the downside of asking a group of inept sphere hunters to carry out this possibly sensitive task. He’s all, “Okay! Here’s my sphere!” Rikku assumes this bent over, hands out position that’s kind of a mix of receiving communion and participating in a bukkake video, then squeaks in disappointment as Nooj limps past her and presents the sphere to Paine. “Perhaps this is fate,” he suggests to her, perfectly illustrating the concept of “barking up the wrong tree.” “I don’t think so,” Paine scoffs, grabbing the sphere anyway. Nooj goes off to cry into his pillow over how the butch ladies he likes always seem to turn him down. Why is that?!

Rikku watches him go, kind of running after him pathetically. She seems shocked that Paine knows Nooj. And we already know that Paine also knows Gippal. Why, if it turned out that Paine knew Baralai as well, that would cover all the leaders of the main Spiran factions, and wouldn’t that be such a random coincidence with no story significance whatsoever?

Paine, cast in the role of mysterious female warrior with secret past, knows that she can’t just tell her friends what’s going on, nor does she want to, since she’s quiet and doesn’t like to share her feelings or past with anyone. So she tells Rikku that it’s none of her business. “Come on, there was something between you two, right?” Rikku squeals, displaying a level of denseness that makes even Yuna look brilliant. Yes, Rikku, Paine cuts her hair short, wears leather, and hangs out with nearly-naked chicks because she’s into the wang. And even if she were to take a short visit to Sausage Land, I’m sure she would go for the guy with metal limbs and a bunch of crotch hair hanging off his head instead of one of Spira’s more feminine males.

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Needless to say, this continued prying does not sit well with Paine. She’s all, “Okay, you’re my friends and we do it and stuff, but you shouldn’t expect any more than that. Because I’m the mysterious warrior, got it?” “Well, yeah, but…don’t you ever want to know more about your friends?” Rikku winks. Are we sure this script wasn’t written by fanfic authors? Paine answers in the negative — probably because it’s impossible for her to know more about the other two, if you follow me. “Well, I do. I do wanna know more about you,” Rikku squeals, grabbing onto Paine’s hand. Hoo boy. I can almost hear the furious fapping across the globe.

Paine basically tells Rikku that if she spills the beans about her mysterious past early on in Chapter 2, it would break all the rules of RPGs. Mysterious pasts and tragic backstories are meant to be revealed later in the game, even after everyone and their dog has already figured them out. “There was something!” Yuna yells while checking out Paine’s ass. I’m just going to add that Paine looks pretty hot in this scene, kind of like a female Squall. Even though she’s more masculine than he is.

Throughout this whole fruitless interrogation, Paine has attempted to walk away while Rikku follows her like a mentally challenged puppy. Now Yuna joins the prying parade, adding to Paine’s already extreme irritation. “You disappoint me, Yuna,” Paine comments after the former high summoner tries to grill her further. Which is probably the first time anyone’s ever said that to her. Paine is my new hero. “I thought you were above all that,” Paine continues to the person who locked lips with wankers and pedophiles alike. I don’t think Yuna can really be considered “above” anything after those…incidents.

Yuna’s all, “I have exposed asscheeks now! I’m different!” “You’ll lose friends,” Paine comments. Oh, right. I’m sure that Yuna is in severe danger of becoming unpopular. Plus, if Paine has ever visited Livejournal, she would know that most people are practically obsessed with spilling every single detail of their sordid and unfortunate pasts. And that’s without being asked. It only stands to reason that Yuna could walk right up to any scrub in Spira, and before she even finished the sentence, “So tell me about your life” she’d be well into the person’s first sob story of approximately fifty billion.

But Paine is obviously talking about Yuna losing her friendship. “You think so? Never mind, then,” Yuna quickly says, showing us all that she is her own woman and isn’t terrified of the prospect of a single person disliking her. Figuring that Paine won’t be able to resist her no matter what, Rikku continues to pry. “You’re a pain,” says Paine (GET IT?!). “Minus four respect points, Rikku.” And she only has forty-seven left, according to Paine. Either Paine pulled that number out of her ass, or she really does keep a record of this whole “respect point” thing. Either way, she knows how to discipline her bitches to keep them in line. Kinky.

Try adultfanfiction.net.

Just as I start to think that this might turn into a fanfic-tastic scenario where Rikku tries to earn back her respect points in dirty and inappropriate ways, Paine confirms my suspicion by saying, “Why don’t you figure out how to get in here instead of inside my head?” My eyeballs pop open until I realize that she’s just talking about the stupid Dong Door. “Maybe we need spheres like that one to open it?” Yuna suggests. NO! THAT’S CRAZY TALK! Paine decides that yeah, they should probably, like, find all the spheres that plug into the door. “I kinda still wanna know what happened,” Rikku squeaks, proving that she really is into the disciplinary stuff. Seriously, she has to be doing that on purpose. “That’s forty-six,” Paine sighs just as the screen goes black. And we all know what happens after that.