In the last episode of “Everybody Loves Yuna,” the big Spira love-in moved on down the pike to the headquarters of the Youth League. The Youth League’s leader, Meyvn Nooj, didn’t bother making an appearance, probably because he had his nose buried in a dictionary, trying to find out what the fuck a “meyvn” is. And lest we forget Exposition!Man, who bored poor Kelly stupid by yammering on about some random guy for half an hour.
We pick up back aboard El Celsioso, having just invited whiny bitch Clasko to join the dysfunctional Dullwings family. Yuna visits Steve’s tavern in the cabin to have a talk with the simpering sod, who–surprise, surprise–has already ended his vow of non-wankerness, and is now moaning and groaning near the ship’s windows, apparently airsick. Obviously, it’s not an option to just dump Clasko’s ass back on Mushroom Rock Road, because down there he can’t be free as a Chocobo on the wind or whatever. And as we all know, Yuna just couldn’t live with herself if she didn’t help every benighted person on the fucking planet become a better, more complete person.
Getting away from Clasko, Yuna returns to the bridge and speaks to Buddy, who is still pestering her about a sphere in Zanarkand. Hey, Buddy, we’ll get to it when the path from the last game takes us there, okay? Cool it. For now, Yuna spots a mission involving those nutty Al Bhed, and something called the “Machine Faction,” available at the next stop on the Final Fantasy X Reminiscence Tour, Djose Temple. “Could be good gil for the Gullwings!” the mission screen chirps at me, leading me to wonder what exactly Yuna and all the surviving members of the last game’s group did with the kerjillions of gil they accumulated before their battle against Yu Yevon the Metroid.
Loading ...Down at Djose Temple, Yuna is inspired to new heights of Wankese. After we defeated Sin, people began to distance themselves from the temples, she explains to Tightass someone with no common sense or logic whatsoever Tightass. For a long time, she adds, Djose Temple was neglected as well. Well, I don’t know about you guys, but I was thinking that people distanced themselves from every temple but the one at Djose. So I’m glad Yuna cleared that up. But now… Yuna finishes, a note of anxiety in her voice. What, was Djose Temple destroyed by termites? Is it Shelinda and Isaaru’s new love nest? What?
Instead of explaining what has happened to Djose, the game dumps Yuna, back in my control, on the path leading up to the temple. Of course, by speaking to the first two NPCs I find, I discover that Djose Temple is now occupied by the Al Bhed Machine Faction, and they’re recruiting people to be part of an excavation. That sounds ever so exciting. I so hope I get to be part of it.
Well, she’d have to swap her hooker boots for diggin’ boots.
In front of Djose Temple proper, Yuna, Rikku and Paine take a moment to look around, when Yuna suddenly realizes that everyone is staring at her. Even Rikku rolls her eyes at this. “You’re famous, Yunie,” she understates. “Better get used to it.” Yuna sighs melodramatically and says, “All I want’s some peace and quiet.” At this point I slam the controller down on the coffee table and begin a ten-minute rant about how if Yuna had really wanted some peace and quiet, she would have stayed on Podunk Island and lived out the rest of her wanky years as the Wakka-baby’s sitter, and that dressing up in hot pants and a halter top and gallavanting around Spira with your lesbian gal-pals isn’t the most quiet lifestyle ever, YOU STUPID WHORE. But then I come to my senses and realize the writers probably intended the irony of Yuna’s statement. Rikku and Paine have some fun not-so-quietly riduculing Yuna behind their hands, and Yuna gets pissed and stalks off to the temple entrance. Where I sincerely hope this Machine Faction has set up some bear traps.
While Yuna is still stomping like a petulant child toward the front doors of Djose Temple, a tall, blond man in a clown outfit sweeps past Rikku and Paine, and then past Yuna. There are several slow-mo shots of the guy as he passes Yuna, so we can see 1) that he has a sexy eyepatch and 2) that Yuna, from the “huh, huh, purty” look on her face, has no problem with blond guys in ridiculous clothing. We already knew this, but still. As Blond Clown Pirate enters the temple, Rikku runs over to exposit. “That’s Gippal, leader of the Machine Faction,” she says, pawing at Yuna’s arms and back spastically. “He can be kind of annoying, but he’s all right.” Yuna has no problem with him being annoying, either. Yeah, we knew this already, too. And here I will end the comparisons of Gippal to Tightass, because they make me vaguely ill.
In front of the temple doors, Gippal announces to the crowd, “Okay, let’s do some interviews. Brrrring it!” Okay, that was hot. But his outfit is still completely stupid. To elaborate, it looks like he’s wearing puffy purple Hammer pants, with a periwinkle shirt from Abercrombie & Fitch under his huge, ’80s striped magenta shoulder pads. Seriously, he’s fine and all, but what the hell is that about?
Yuna is now free to roam about the area outside the temple to her heart’s content. She attempts to run after Gippal into the temple, her new resolve to be a lesbian shaken by the appearance of this blond stud, but the guys at the door aren’t about to let her in. “What, you wanna make some money digging?” one of them says, completely misinterpreting Yuna’s intentions. “You gotta go register first.” Well, if that’s what it takes to get some Gippal action, let’s do it.
To apply for the dig, Yuna has to “wait in line” outside the registration office, formerly the Djose inn. What this actually means is that Yuna gets to run around the area, open treasure chests and talk to NPCs, until the last person in the line goes inside. It’s a good thing all the other NPCs here are just standing around, and none of them are getting in line themselves, or Yuna would be here forever.
SCORE!!!
In chatting up the NPCs milling around the temple, we get a couple important factoids. First, you may have noticed that these Al Bhed are calling themselves the “Machine Faction,” rather than the “Machina Faction.” See, the now totally enlightened people of Spira are just fine and dandy with those nice Al Bhed folk, but still don’t like the idea of machina ruling the planet. So they’re machines now. Shh. Machines. Don’t go using that other M word.
Secondly, it’s soon apparent that the people congregated here to apply for the excavation are doing so because they have become bored with their leisurely, Sin-free way of life. They figure it’s time to get back into the working world and contribute to society in any way they can. This puts them in the one percent of Spira’s populace that actually wants to get a fucking job. Everybody else is perfectly content with playing Sphere Break, hunting treasure or gettin’ high.
Eventually the last guy in line enters the building, but instead of waiting her turn like everyone else did Yuna just follows the guy in directly. Conveniently, the guy in front of her is already gone by the time Yuna gets inside, even though there’s no back door. Come to think, none of the people who were in line are in here, and none of them left, either. This is going to turn into one of those horror movie plots where Yuna is sucked into a hell dimension by the Al Bhed and she, Rikku and Paine will be forced to toil for the rest of their lives in underground uranium mines, isn’t it?
Oh, wait, the guy is just hidden in the back. Whew, hell dimension averted.
Yuna talks to the guy at the counter and first asks, “What’s the digging for?” The guy answers that they’re basically digging for machina machine parts in the Bikanel Desert, so they can make new and better machina machines. “You need to go through a hiring process before you can dig, though,” he adds, like that isn’t exactly why we’re here. All this working-for-money stuff sounds peachy, if a little foreign, to Yuna, so she announces, “I want to dig!” The guy at the counter answers, “All right, go on into the temple. Gippal will interview you.” I like the idea of being “interviewed” by Gippal, but why the hell doesn’t everybody just line up outside the temple doors and cut out this completely unnecessary middle man? Oh, but wait, if they did that I wouldn’t have had ample opportunity to talk to random people outside and find that Phoenix Down in a chest. I can’t imagine a world with that terrible fate.
Inside Djose Temple, the girls walk in on Gippal having a discussion with three other Al Bhed, in (duh) Al Bhed. I don’t have enough primers to know what the fuck they’re saying, other than that the word “people” enters into it somehow. Gippal starts to run off back outside, but stops in his tracks when he sees YRP standing there, waiting to talk to him. “Huh?” he says, making me hate him for making the Tightass comparisons so easy. “Hello,” Yuna says brightly. Gippal balks at her. “You, uh, here for an interview?” he asks. When she replies in the affirmative, Gippal’s all, “Hel-lo, lady, you’re the high summoner, why don’t you go sip daiquiris and play beach volleyball like the rest of Spira?” Yuna’s response to this? “Former summoner.” Yeah, given that all the aeons are gone and so is Sin, I think we all had that one figured out, Yuna.