Well, maybe it’s simple if you’re not me. I will not tell you how many times I had to restart because the game flat-out cheated to keep me from catching every bandit and keeping all the cargo. But at the risk of confusing you all into thinking this is GameFAQs, what I will tell you is this: be very careful not to get caught in a random battle, or in a battle with a bandit, while any bandit is on top of the wagon. Because once the battle is over, that bandit and the cargo he had his grubby paws on will have miraculously vanished, along with Paine’s chances to put the rim job on ’em. I wish to God I were lying to you about this.

So after I’ve nearly bludgeoned myself to death with a stapler after seeing Dwayne’s introduction cut scene one too many times (God forbid I skip it, or we’d miss out on the almighty 100 percent), Yuna, Rikku and Paine eventually manage to escort Dwayne, his Chocobo and his wagon of cargo back to Tobli, without any magic vanishing bandits making off with anything. There was much rim-jobbing, setting of bandits on fire, and…well, to be honest, I’ve had Yuna assume her rightful role as Team Healer, and she just sat there casting “Pray” while Black Mage!Rikku and Warrior!Paine did all the work. So I suppose there was a lot of praying, too.

Two hours later, back at Tobli’s camp, the midget dillweed is thrilled to have his most valuable ho back. “Thanks to these ladies,” Dwayne gushes to Tobli, hands swaying drunkenly in the air. Tobli turns to the girls and chatters at breakneck speed, “Yup-yup! Of course, you’ve been most helpful! With this, the show is just a step away from smashing success!” As was his promise, he hands over the sphere he teased them with before, which turns out to be the Blue Gun Mage dressphere. Onto Paine it goes. Tobli also hands over a Circlet and a new Garment Grid called Helios Guard. I should point out at this juncture that I now have separate Garment Grids for each of the girls, which means that if they go back in time, go to Luca, take out their past selves and then get accosted by Lesbianc, then maybe the whole Yuna’s-Garment-Grid-theft thing would make a little bit of sense.

That Paine, she’s such a people person.

Yuna graciously thanks Tobli for all the swag, but Rikku interjects, “Just remember, it was the Gullwings that helped you out!” As we’ll see throughout the game, Rikku has elected herself the Gullwings’ Official Shamelessly Self-Promoting Whore. The Mission Complete screen flares up with its blaring guitar riffs, so I know that I can get the hell out of this place now.

YRP gets a lift on a shoopuf across the Moonflow, running past the place where the party first met Rikku back in the day toward the entrance to Guadosalam. On the way they run across a random monster called a “Protochimera,” because a regular ol’ Chimera just isn’t weird enough for this game. Far as I can tell, it’s a Chimera on steroids. Gun Mage!Paine has “fun” waiting on the thing to use its Blue Bullet ability, Absorb, for at least ten minutes, before getting impatient and rim-jobbing it anyway.

Walking across the green swirly thing and into the tunnel entrance of Guadosalam spurs on more of Yuna’s Wankese. Guadosalam, home of the Guado, she einsteins. You remember, right? Not to say that Tightass isn’t a moron, but I think Yuna is insulting even his intelligence with this. Seriously, I doubt Tightass, dead as he may be, would forget the creepy underground dwelling where Seymour proposed to Yuna and where he made his classic “Macarena Temple” joke. I probably made Jeanne cry just bringing that up.

But the Guado are no longer here, Yuna says sadly. Some people think they deserved all that happened for what they did to Spira. Yeah, well, some people would be right. Fuck the Guado, Yuna. She half-agrees. They have a point…but it seems like such a sad way to look at things. Oh dear me. We wouldn’t want to make Yuna sad.

As is their MO, the girls enter Guadosalam, Paine dragging behind in her skulking way, Rikku running ahead like a ten year old at Toys ‘R’ Us. From Yuna’s POV we see the various sights of Guadosalam, which hasn’t changed much. The only difference of note is that Seymour’s mansion is now home to Lesbianc and her band of monkeys in leotards. I realize that since all the Guado are gone that it might make a good home for someone who really needed it. I also realize that there’s some in-game explanation given about Guadosalam being a good locale for sphere hunters because it’s close to a bunch of other places. But I have to wonder where Lesbianc previously lived that was so bad she’d want to dwell in Creepville.

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Back under my command, Yuna talks to everyone in town. They’re mostly sphere hunters, brought here, as I said before, by the prospect of being close to the “hottest hotspots” in Spira. Seriously, one of them actually says that. It seems the only non-sphere hunter resident here is Tobli. He’s left a Hypello in charge of watching his house. “Chief Tobli enshures that we Hypello keep shteady jobs,” this one, now named Mark, says. “Ash whoresh.”

Just to punish myself, I make Yuna head to the top of the cave town, to the entrance to the Farplane. Naturally, I get Wankese for my trouble. The Farplane: a place that unites the living with their memory of the dead. I suppose this is our clue that Yuna has adopted Rikku’s more practical explanation for the workings of the Farplane. I’ve thought about going in so many times, hoping that I might see you there, Yuna adds. Heck, we’d all like to see Tightass there. We’d all like to see him stay there forever, too. But I never have, she says. I think…I probably never will. Well, it’s nice to see that Yuna is trying to move on and not dwell on her dead boyfriend. It’s really a shame that she’ll completely abandon this mindset by the end of the game. Because we all know the only way Yuna can really be happy is if she gets to make out with Tightass and live happily ever after, drowning the rest of the world in their own collective vomit.

Must not…make…bukkake joke…

Nothing more to see here, so Yuna, Rikku and Paine move right on to the Thunder Plains, leading Mish Yoona to more fucking Wankese. It just won’t end. Guess what! she squees. Rikku finally overcame her fear of thunder. Know how? If you already know, or you just don’t care, well, too bad, Yuna’s going to tell you anyway. She said she camped out here for a week! Yuna giggles, inwardly cursing Rikku for changing something about herself since the last game, which is totally Yuna’s bit, bitch.

I was really looking forward to coming to the Thunder Plains, because the idea of taking out all my aggression by zapping Yuna with lightning fifty times was extremely appealing, but New and Improved!Spira had to go and ruin my fun. As it turns out, since so many of Spira’s jobless wonders are out backpacking the world and discovering themselves or whatever, the only working folks around–the Al Bhed–decided to fix the lightning rod towers. Which means no random lightning bolts: the Thunder Plains, other than the monsters, are now totally safe. I wonder if Rikku camped out here before or after the towers were fixed. It’d be pretty funny if she conquered her fear when there was nothing to actually be afraid of.

Given the lack of periodic Yuna-smiting with lightning, the trek through the Thunder Plains passes very uneventfully. Before the girls know it they’re at the edge of the plains, ready to enter the “Macarena Woods.” And it’s here that we’ll be adjourning, because I’ve basically just played through two hours of boring-ass nothing and I’m tired of this game. Join Jeanne for part five as she finds out where those nice folk, the Guado, have been hanging out. Because we all know Jeanne’s favorite thing in the world is spending time with self-pitying pedophiles. And I’ll be back for part seven, when hopefully something interesting will happen. Later!