After Baralai leaves, Rikku gets all giggly and girl-talky with Yuna over this hot stud. If any of you are interested in my verdict, well, I wouldn’t kick him out of my bed, but I’m just a wee bit leery of a guy who is involved with a group that worships a giant tick. Plus, he’s fictional. And gay. Yuna is more interested in what Paine thinks. Needless to say, Paine couldn’t care less. Duh, she’s a lesbian. I’m back in control of Yuna now, and according to Dan Birlew in the strategy guide: a) Baralai is hot, and b) I can get a Tiara from him if I ride the lift to the upper level of the HQ. Yes, Baralai totes around a tiara. Color me not surprised.
Inside the HQ, another random priest informs me that Lord Trema, he of Exposition!Man’s longass story, was the first chairman and the power hungry jerk from Another Story was the second. Well, now I don’t have to nitpick that continuity issue. Another NPC addresses the fact that Old Yevon kind of sucked ass, so they need to make amends with the people of Spira. I’d say so. Yuna makes her way through the creepy fog and ethereal choir music to the lift. At the top, Baralai stands there picking his ass. Wait a minute, he said he had pressing matters to attend to! He was just giving me the brushoff! I guess I can’t blame him, as not everyone appreciates boobs and girl-ass.
Heh, he said ‘jack.’
Next stop, the Calm Lands, where dumb summoners once lost their way. Finally, the Einsteins in Spira found a use for that huge empty expanse. It’s now a field full of mini-games. I’ll skip Yuna’s wankover, as she says essentially the same thing. Accompanied by some ’80s-sounding inspirational music, a group of wolf fiends compete in a race. It’s so nice that the angry souls of the dead are being used for people’s entertainment.
Paine announces that she has some Argent credits, while Rikku adds that she has Open Air credits. Yuna, like me, is confused. Rikku, by way of a text box, explains that the exciting Calm Land games require credits, which can be bought or won. There’s an attendant from each of the two companies, Open Air and Argent, at each of the games. This is the extent of my knowledge of the games because, like all FFX-2 mini-games, they suck a record amount of ass. That doesn’t mean that I can just pass by this area. Oh, no. That would be kind and compassionate. That’s not what the game designers are about.
See, there’s this little sidequest that’s necessary for the 100% and Episode Complete for this area, and to put it bluntly, it is quite similar to being raped in the ass with a dildo made out of sandpaper and broken glass. Since “Broken Glass Sandpaper Dildo Sidequest” is too long a name, not to mention that whole game rating thing, the game designers decided to call it the Publicity Campaign instead.
A handy text box explains the ins and outs of the campaign, but I’ll summarize it for you using my opinions. The goal is to spread the word about one of these fine companies all over Spira. This sounds easy and not all that tedious, but don’t be fooled. In reality, I must travel through all the different areas and find the small set of NPCs who will be receptive to my advertising (a.k.a. using the square button). Then, I have five sales pitches to choose from. Each person responds best to a different pitch — I can earn between 1 and 5 publicity points depending on which one I pick. I read somewhere that you can tell by each NPC’s usual dialogue which of the five pitches will work the best. Sadly, whoever wrote that has most likely died of a crack overdose since then. The fucking thing is completely arbitrary, and you can only try each person once per chapter. The game kind of tells you otherwise, but in my experience, I’ve waited several hours to try again and it wouldn’t let me. So if it does reset within the same chapter, it takes longer than I’m willing to wait.
In Chapter Five, I find out whether or not I fucked up too badly to get the Episode Complete. If I didn’t, my thrilling reward is…an extra mini-game! The sad thing is, there’s a way to earn the requisite number of publicity points for both companies in one playthrough, but I’d rather masturbate with my Rinoa action figure.
Hopefully I’ve done a good enough job in my description to convey that this mini-quest sucks giant infected elephant balls. And I seriously have to question the sanity of anyone who attempts to do this without using the strategy guide, error prone though it may be. Sure, it’s not as controller-throwingly frustrating as the Chocobo Racing in FFX, but if you looked up the word “tedious” in the dictionary, there would be a picture of the Argent and Open Air people, grinning like assholes.
Since I have to choose a company, I go with Argent for two reasons: a) I like Paine better than Rikku and Paine has Argent credits, and b) the Argent people are old while the Open Air people are young. As an individual nearing 30, I identify more with the elderly in video games.
So this sidequest is asinine, and it would really be bad enough if they left it at that. But no. Oh no. Not these game designers. At the item shop in the center of the Calm Lands, a poor hick redneck needs to find a wife for his son. This is not the easiest task, as the son is a 30-year-old fanboy who still lives with his parents. Though Yuna jumps at the chance to marry this guy, the dad is all, “Don’t be crazy — you marrying a guy like that is just a fanboy fantasy.” Yuna would insist that she likes wanky losers, but Daddy Dearest has a better plan for his son’s life. Basically, Yuna can do him a huge favor if she spreads the word of this eligible bachelor all around the land. Does this sound familiar? In a horrible, hair-tearing kind of way? That’s right — I have to do the same exact God damn thing as the publicity campaign and choose the right pitch for each woman. Fuck you in the ear, game designers.
I’m sick of this guy’s hick accent, so I agree to this stupid, stupid sidequest. I sure hope that all this grunt work for the 100% completion doesn’t just get me some horribly wanky prize. That would really suck ass, huh?
What, Tightass is in there?
There’s nothing else to do in the Calm Lands for now, since the Monster Arena appears to be out of business. That’s too bad — I have many fond memories of the place. Yuna makes her way over the bridges to Mt. Gagazet. Once there, we get our obligatory wankover: The Ronso still live here on Mt. Gagazet. Kimahri is their elder now, and he’s working hard to unite his people. That shouldn’t be too hard, since there’s what? Ten of them left? Either the Ronso have some real troublemaking dickheads in their ranks, or Kimahri is just a shitty leader. I guess we’ll find that out later, most likely with the force of ten thousand anvils. Still, it seems much quieter here than it used to be. Maybe because summoners no longer come here to climb the sacred mountain… Or maybe because there are the aforementioned ten Ronso left. Jesus, it’s not like there was a fucking parade of summoners constantly marching through the mountains — it was pretty quiet the last time I was here. Come to think of it, during the period when summoners were traveling over Gagazet, Yuna was only there once, without any other summoners present, so how the hell would she be able to compare the relative busyness of the place? Stupid Yuna.
‘Yuna look like whore. Kimahri turned on.’
The entrance to the mountain path still seems to be the Ronso’s regular hangout. Kimahri comes forward to greet them, along with a sweet piece of Ronso ass. Kimahri, you old dog, you. He and Yuna exchange the usual greetings that indicate that they don’t hate each other’s guts or want each other to die. “What’s it like being an elder?” Rikku wonders. Since we know she talked to him at the very latest several months ago (to get that dumb Doppelwanker sphere), he must have just become the elder, like, yesterday. Or else this dialogue is contrived and unrealistic. Nah.
It turns out that everything is not roses and kittens in Kimahri’s world — apparently being an elder blows balls. Just as he admits this, a large (duh), evil-looking Ronso jumps down from out of nowhere and lands with his ass in the camera. Ah, nostalgia. This new Ronso, obviously filling in for the late Hans and Franz in the role of “Asshole Ronso Who Makes Kimahri’s Life Hell,” is named Garik. Or, more appropriately, Garprick. He’s got his panties in a wad because “Lian and Ayde” are gone. These two are Ronso children, and they’re apparently “search[ing] for [Kimahri’s] horn.” The first thing that pops into my sick 12-year-old mind is that this is some “special” game that Dirty Uncle Kimahri plays with the younger members of the tribe. My terrified adult self hopes this is not the case.
Either way, Yuna can’t let an opportunity pass to get involved with yet another situation that has nothing to do with her. Kimahri explains that Lian and Ayde are basically responsible for repopulating the tribe, an undertaking which will most likely involve inbreeding at some time. But this is par for the course in Spira, it would seem. And — you’d never guess this from the previous lines of dialogue — the two kids have gone off on a quest to find a way to repair Kimahri’s horn. Do they have duct tape in Spira?
Garprick blames Kimahri for this problem, saying he doesn’t behave like a “true elder.” That’s like saying Suikoden III isn’t a “true” Suikoden game, or Order of the Phoenix isn’t a “true” Harry Potter book. Dude, he is the fucking elder, so get over yourself. Kimahri doesn’t say anything to the contrary, because as we’ll soon see, Kimahri has trouble asserting himself. As long as he beats the shit out of Tightass, I don’t care if he’s the world’s biggest pussy. Before Garprick goes off to sulk and post wanksty song lyrics in his Livejournal, he makes sure to let Yuna know that he’s honored to meet her. This serves two purposes: to give us our quota of Yuna asskissing moments in this five-minute span and to show us that while Garprick is an overbearing asshead, he’s Not Really Bad At Heart. I’d also like to point out that Yuna’s the same height as his crotch. There’s no actual point to me sharing that, I just figure that if I have to be disturbed, you do too. Then we get our lesson for the day, courtesy of Garprick: “[Garprick] know Yuna save Spira, but Ronso not saved yet.” This looks like another job for Sue-per Yuna!
Yuna gets to choose from a series of three responses to this declaration. Her goal in this scene, according to the strategy guide, is to build the trust of the Ronso, probably for that stupid 100% thing again. Though I would like to tell Garprick that he has a “really nice horn,” I have to choose the option about finding Lian and Ayde. Namely, that Yuna will do so. She only gets a grunt in reply. A grunt that contains so many layers.
Loading ...Now I get to go around and talk to the rest of the Ronso in the area (including one lonely guy in the mountain cave) and choose the appropriate (read: kiss-assy) responses. Some of the Ronso beg for Yuna to help with Lian and Ayde (“I already said I will, God damn it!”) and some of them bitch about those nasty Guado. I hear ya, man. Even though Yuna totally fell all over herself to converse with Tromell Guado earlier, she’s suddenly talking smack about them in order to save face with the pissed-off Ronso. The two-faced bitch.
You must be a God damn rocket scientist.
When Yuna talks to Kimahri, he mentions that he is worried about the Ronso getting bugs up their butts over the Guado. Yuna’s response: suck it up and deal, yo. Even though Tromell made it sound like the Guado have had to actively defend themselves against Ronso attacks, none of the Ronso have explicitly said anything about already kicking some Guado ass — they all just sound like they want to. “Kimahri sorry. Whining make Kimahri small,” Kimahri apologizes, even though I think that was the non-wankstiest complaint I’ve seen yet in the FFX series. I think we all know who really needs to apologize for whining.