I can now check Mt. Gagazet off my “Places Where I Can Do Shit in Chapter One” list. You all know what that means, right? That’s right, the next stop is Zanarkand and — can you believe it? — plot! I feel like kind of an ass for hogging the second actual plot point in a row, especially when this recap is fairly long already, but…well, I guess I don’t feel bad enough to not do it. So never mind.
I take a “brief” non-recorded jaunt around Spira at this moment in order to catch up on the fucking publicity/marriage campaign shit, because this is my last chance to do so during Chapter One and also because I must hate myself. I also pay off some more of O’aka’s debt, bringing me to 57,125 gil remaining. Hate. Then, it’s time to teleport straight to Zanarkand, instead of taking the long way over Mt. Gagazet. I’m lazy. Now Buddy can stop nagging me about the damn Zanarkand sphere. It was getting old.
Our first view of Zanarkand is a semi-flashback shot of the campfire which started it all. The hill where Tightass let loose his first string of Wankese looms ominously in the background. The only thing missing from this shot is, well, the characters. But lest we forget those who came before, Yuna describes it for Tightass us.
This is where we sat that night, the seven of us. I’ve never talked about it. I didn’t want to share my memories, Yuna wanks it hard. I wanted to keep that feeling, this place within me forever. See, I’m different in that I like to share my misery with others — hence this site. As our sort-of-flashback fades out, Yuna sulks, Now look at it.
I think I’ve seen a porno like that once.
We fade back in on the Zanarkand of today, now with 80% more asshats! A bunch of random NPCs hang around the campfire and the Hill of Wank. They seem to be cheerful rather than horribly depressed, so that’s another improvement over two years ago. This festive gathering must be a new phenomenon, as Paine mutters, “A tourist attraction,” in a surprised fashion. Or else she’s just been shut in the cabin of El Celsioso having lesbian sex for the last several months. Take your pick. It always seems to be a toss-up whether or not the girls know the latest scoop at each location, regardless of whether or not it would make sense in terms of the backstory. Consistency? What’s that — some new kind of drug? *puff*
Rikku wonders which rocket scientist decided to profane the ancient ruins, and this is what we call ironic foreshadowing. Oh ho ho. Our mission screen comes up, ordering Yuna to find the treasure sphere. No shit, sherlock. But this wouldn’t be a visit to Zanarkand without some dangerous levels of wankst.
Near the campfire, Yuna talks to her very first Zanarkand tour guide. These ladies are scattered throughout the area, and their common trait, apart from their identical clothing, is that they talk like stereotypical flaming homosexuals. Italicized words such as “fabulous” and “stellar” pepper their descriptions of this run-down, fiend-infested site. From this, we’re supposed to get that instead of an educational historical tour, this is a cheesy and sacrilegious attraction. You can imagine how well this goes over with Yuna.
Before I can dive right into the ensuing wankst, the game forces me to climb the Hill of Wank and talk to those poor unsuspecting souls hanging out there. First, and least important, is a group of old geezer sphere hunters calling themselves the Hunchbacked Hellions. For some reason, they think they’re going to beat out the T&A when it comes to getting that damn sphere. As for the other person on the hill, it’s our favorite disgraced summoner, Gay Ponytail Man. It appears that he’s ditched his summoner’s robes along with the gay ponytail in order to leave behind his unhappy past and get with the times. I’m totally jerking your chain, of course — the guy looks exactly the same. The fact that he’s not wearing a fursuit and/or a diaper means that we’ll have to dig deeper for the reason that Maroda seems to have disowned the guy.
This guy must be in his late 20s.
The first thing he says upon noticing Yuna is, “You’ve changed so much, I hardly recognize you.” This, of course, is the polite way of saying, “I can see your buttcheeks.” We go through that whole song and dance regarding Yuna’s ability to remember people she met two years ago. Since she practically did a running leap into that treacherous Tromell’s arms earlier, you can imagine that she also greets this guy — who was last seen fighting against her — with a fair degree of enthusiasm.
When Yuna wonders why the hell Gay Ponytail Man is hanging out in Zanarkand, of all places, he says, “Ah, yes. I’ve been helping Cid with his work.” Rikku seems to be unaware of her dad’s latest project. As GPM describes it, he’s just a simple tour guide, showing people the sights here in this holy land. “People come from all over Spira. Sphere hunters, too,” he mentions. See, if YRP hadn’t spent so much time on that completely optional filler, they might not be the very last sphere hunters to show up here. Then again, it’s a good thing for them that all the other sphere hunters suck worse, as it appears that no one has snagged that kewl treasure sphere yet.
Yuna hangs her head at the horrible concept of people and sphere hunters hanging out in Zanarkand, even though it’s totally okay for her to come here hunting spheres. Rikku isn’t too happy with her dad at the moment. “I can see this is upsetting you,” GPM says to the pouting Yuna. “But this is a place of great historical importance for all of Spira.” Yuna understands, and yet she “never wanted anyone else to stand there.” Then she gets all passive-aggressive with GPM when he tries to continue the discussion.
GPM, one of the one percent of employed Spirans, doesn’t feel like partaking of this pity party anymore, so he begs off, citing work duties. Now here’s the thing — while turning Zanarkand into a lame tourist trap isn’t the most respectful thing to do, Yuna’s problem doesn’t seem to be with the disrespectful aspect. She doesn’t care that the sacred place has been turned into the equivalent of a Jesus-related theme park in Gethsemane or that this is profaning the memories of all the summoners that came to Zanarkand before she did. Nope, it’s all because Yuna wants to keep her memories sacred — everything is all about what Yuna wants. And again, it’s sort of understandable that she feels that way, but it’s not something she can get all whiny and foot-stampy about without coming across as a selfish little princess.
With that essential conversation completed, the path opens up to the rest of the ruins. Yuna talks to some more sphere hunters who enjoy standing around more than they like hunting spheres. Is “sphere hunting” code for “default slacker non-job” in Spira? At last, we end up at the good old Yevon Dome, which I know is my favorite place. We see a brief throwaway shot of some Lesbianc goons as Yuna enters the dome. Shit!
Though pyreflies still swarm the place like fanboys to a Rinoa cosplayer (despite the fact that Yuna and the others cleared them out two years ago), no creepy ghost priest greets them this time. Unfortunately, it’s something worse, depending on if you are a bitter babyhating childfree person like myself or not. It’s Pacce and his posse of underaged sphere hunters. It seems that Pacce, like everyone else in Spira, has not changed his appearance in the last two years. However, for someone of his age, that especially makes no sense. Unless he’s like Gary Coleman or something. The more likely explanation is the very reasoning behind the existence of the game — laziness. Again.
The three kids discuss the clue they have mysteriously acquired for the hidden sphere or perhaps something completely unrelated — it’s not specified, and it’s also dangerous to assume that sphere hunters are going to be hunting spheres in this game. Taro, the helmeted freak of the group, has conveniently forgotten it. This is so that Hana, the token girl, can screech it out to the surrounding one-mile radius that the clue in question is “key.” Wow, I can see how that might be easy to forget. Dumbass.
After the kids run off, Yuna talks to an NPC, who informs her that there are still fiends inside the dome. Great. You’d think that Cid might bother to clean those fuckers out when he opened it up to the public. Then again, no one except Yuna’s party ever gets attacked, so why bother? Inside the dome, Pacce — excuse me, “????” — and the other two try to figure out which way to go. They finally decide on the only way available. I’m so lucky I have my handy “Go this way, dipshit” map.
There aren’t any more ghostly exposition hallucinations of summoners from days past, nor are there zombie monks or machina battles. Instead, Yuna encounters Lesbianc’s goons and penisy snake monsters, as well as behemoths and other typical random battle fodder. Luckily, I’m leveled way up from the 423,562,836,205 optional random battles I’ve fought between Besaid and here, so it’s like shooting Rinoa in a barrel.
At last Pacce takes notice of the naked ladies that have been following him through the dome. And for once, he doesn’t bother to ask Yuna if she remembers him. I’m lying out my ass, of course — I have to go through this song and dance again. Yes, I played FFX and didn’t just buy this game for the hot chicks on the cover, yes I can remember even minor characters from a game I’ve played several times, not to mention recapped.
*shoots self in head*
Pacce has a total spaz over Yuna remembering him and takes this opportunity to introduce his two buddies, whom we’ve already met several paragraphs ago. “What are you doing here? There are fiends around!” Yuna chides him, as he is Just A Child™. Never mind that he was a damn guardian two years ago. Granted, he probably wasn’t a very good one, but he couldn’t be worse than Tightass, and he was allowed to fight shit. Pacce and the others laugh in her face, as they are the Kinderguardians! Their completely retarded group pose just smacks of the Saint Loa Wankers in Suikoden III, so they are now the Wankerguardians. Not to be confused with Tightass, the wanker guardian. “You here on some kind of treasure hunt?” Rikku wonders. “So “key” must be a clue to finding the treasure,” Yuna blurts out. Pacce doesn’t mind giving away all their secrets by affirming this, but Hana reminds him not to be a moron — they spent their month’s allowance (15 gil) for that stupid clue.
Some people totally need to buy one.
The Wankerguardians move out again, thankfully, and Yuna continues on her merry way. Soon, the girls encounter a random Lesbianc goon talking via a walkie-talkie — or perhaps he’s just talking to himself. We seem to be running into a lot of those in this recap. The thing is, this guy sounds like James Arnold Taylor did his voice. And that’s bad. If that truly is him, and I’m not just having some horrible Tightass-induced flashback, I imagine he felt he needed to make up for his lesser role in this game. In that case, I think we need to be glad that he didn’t end up voicing more characters, such as this game’s Ambiguously Gay Trio. Enjoy the nightmares.
Anyway, JAT!Goon wanks into his walkie-talkie, “Oh, hey. I wanted to double-check that clue. It’s “mon,” right? Nah, it’s just that I heard some kids saying it was “key.” His unseen buddy confirms that it is, indeed, “mon.” Paine deduces that these random clues given by a random unnamed person are to the same random treasure. The JAT!Goon finally notices the ladies, and we get a total comedy relief moment. Har har and stuff. “Key-mon?” Yuna dorks. “Monkey!” Rikku deduces — about thirty seconds later than the rest of us — after she sees a monkey jumping up and down near JAT!Goon. Or maybe she just filled in the blank for “Rikku acts like a _____ with ADD.”