“We won’t let you off so easily this time!” JAT!Goon declares, causing me to vomit a little from the extreme Tightass flashback. Then I get to fight a completely throwaway battle. Again like I’m dealing with Tightass. Except that there are giant phallic objects involved. Afterward, JAT!Goon is just a bad memory among many. The girls press on, fighting more Lesbianc goons along the way.
That’s my job as a recapper, dude.
In one of the staircase hallways, Yuna discovers several NPCs and another tour guide. The guide gushes that all the treasures have been sold out, at 100 gil per chest. Another NPC bitches that all the chests contained potions. Well, some people certainly got assraped today. Interestingly, the Hunchbacked Hellions managed to beat Yuna to this room, in spite of being old and standing around back near the campfire when she headed this way. It’s like Mario Kart the way people keep catching up to me.
Speaking of assrape and horrible, horrible flashbacks, Yuna finds herself in the awful Tetris room. Pardon me for a moment while I curl up in a fetal position. Luckily, all the Tetrisy puzzles have been disabled, meaning I don’t have to find new and creative ways to hurt myself for your amusement.
In the second Tetris room, Rikku says, “Um, the clue is “monkey,” right? Just a coincidence?” The camera switches over to the Wankerguardians in the corner, spazzing out over a treasure chest, then pans over to a group of monkeys hopping around near the former Tetris screen. Maybe I’m just not atuned to the subtleties of this fine game, but I’m rather fucking confused. At first I thought they were trying to say that “monkey” is not a clue to the treasure sphere, but instead this random chest that the Wankerguardians are freaking about. But, as we find out later, it totally is a password to the treasure sphere. So why this dumb crap about coincidences combined with completely pointless shots of the Wankerguardians and monkeys?
Shoot for the stars.
The only place to go now is down, on the lift where I once got to fight that awesome battle against the deformed dragon. At the bottom, a tour guide starts giving her spiel about the Chamber of the Fayth, but then realizes she’s talking to THE high summoner who was, like, totally here before! Oh, the irony. Inside the Chamber, Yuna finds Cid himself, still as crazy and fucked up as ever. He sounds like he’s totally drunk off his ass as he greets Yuna. “Come to buy a clue from Uncle Cid, have you?” he creeps, solving our mystery of who’s handing out these retarded clues, at least. Rikku starts screeching at him in Al Bhed, finishing with, “Turning this place into a gift shop? Hello!”
Well, I know I’m having a fucking blast.
Cid wonders what crawled up her butt and died. I can choose to stay quiet or to let Yuna give Cid a piece of her wanksting mind. To get our holy 100% completion, I have to choose the bitchy one. Of course, that would imply that Yuna has a spine. “It’s…just not right,” Yuna says lamely. Rikku elaborates: “It’s like us turning the ruins of Home into a theme park!” This gets through to Cid a little better. He’s probably thinking of the “I’m Annoying, Huh?” guy becoming a carnival barker, which would not be a good thing for anyone. Because we can’t solve this exhilarating plotline this early in the game, Cid just stalks off for now.
Another random guy in the room warns the ladies not to approach the buttload of monkeys, because those little bastards like gil. And God knows I need to save my pennies for that shithead O’aka. Only the horny in-love monkeys are decent, law-abiding primates. I’m only bothering to mention this because it becomes important later. You can hardly wait.
The next room, where both Yuna and Auron faced difficult decisions at various points in the past, is also run over with asshole monkeys. Also, there are a bunch of treasure chests containing non-crappy treasures. So we can deduce that no one besides YRP ever made it to this room. I guess everyone had trouble figuring out how to use that extremely complicated lift. You know, the one that had the tour guide next to it giving usage instructions.
Through the set of double doors is that most special of places — where Yuna and the others fought the giant Thongaladriel penis. This memory of course merits some more Wankese from Yuna. Two years ago, we cast off our beliefs here. Our false hope. It’s nice that the Hope Hammer is intact after two years. Ow, my head.
Yuna runs forward to examine the giant hole in the ground. Was that there two years ago? I don’t remember that particular detail. Let’s just assume that the giant penis monster was responsible. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a crazy disembodied voice starts laughing maniacally. Some sinister music starts up to underscore that this guy isn’t just extremely happy. “You have done well to make it this far, sphere hunters,” Crazy Fucker congratulates the girls smarmily as they look around in confusion. “But you will not have the treasure you seek so easily.” Paine wants to lay the titty-twister on this guy, but all CF wants is the password. Which Rikku gives as “monkey.”
Crazy Fucker seems surprised to hear the correct password, since Cid craftily split it in half so no one could ever guess it. “Uh…yes, good. Uh, okay! So now tell me: What is the meaning of life?” CF pulls out of his ass. Now that YRP have figured out that someone besides the game designers and Wakka is smoking crack, the evil music cuts out so that we get that This Is Comedy. To underscore this, Yuna gets to pick from a list of choices. I so want to choose “To marry a Hypello!” but the fucking guide won’t let me. The correct option is “Is that you, [Gay Ponytail Man]?”
Yes, that’s right. This overdramatic psychotic asshole is none other than the mild-mannered GPM performing his new job. “Hey. That sort of does sound like [Gay Ponytail Man],” Rikku says, even though IT TOTALLY DOESN’T. “Is that your final answer?” GPM squeaks in dismay. Like the Macarena Temple joke that Sam so thoughtfully brought up in her last recap, this pop culture reference has that not-so-fresh feeling.
Finally, when Rikku orders him to come out (and not in the way that he probably needs to, if you follow me), GPM emerges from below the platform. Yuna is all, “What the dillio?” “My job. I bring excitement to those who’ve come to see this sacred place,” GPM says calmly. He explains that he never made it to Zanarkand — which was his own damn fault, the jerk — so this job makes up for that in some way. Because sacrificing yourself to save Spira is the same as becoming a cheesy game show host. To apologize for his asshattery, GPM gives Yuna a new garment grid. “‘Kay! Thanks for coming!” he says, back in Smarm!Mode. “And remember, the ruins of Zanarkand will be waiting!” He leaves with everything but his dignity. I have to hand it to the guy — even though he’s a gigantic dorkball, at least this scene didn’t involve him seeing the light and giving into Yuna’s wanksty wishes. Yet, anyway.
“Ex-summoners come in all flavors,” Paine remarks, winking at Yuna knowingly. Rikku wants to blow this joint (not in the same way as Wakka), but Paine reminds them that “the sphere oscillo-finder” said there was a sphere around here someplace. “Oh,” Yuna responds, completely surprised. DURRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! Now that’s a special kind of dumb.
There’s only one place to go from here, and I’m not talking about the giant penis hole — there’s a staircase at the back of the platform. It was non-functional in FFX, but now it leads into one of the few new areas in this game. This area is a winding stone hallway, complete with random platforms and walls to jump on and climb. If this place weren’t new, there wouldn’t be many of those, by some random coincidence.
At the end of the corridor, a red sphere shaped like the uncompleted Death Star sits atop another of those fancy glowing pedestals. Also as before, a giant monster pops out of nowhere. Oh, the surprises in this game. “Think we need a password?” Rikku squeaks with the thing’s mouth right in her face. “How about “kick…its…ass,”” Paine replies, again trying just a tad too hard to show us that she’s a badass.
The boss, cleverly and creatively named “Guardian Beast” is just a palette-swapped version of that fruity dragon that attacked the party outside of the Gagazet cave. “This is getting old,” Yuna remarks at the beginning of the battle. For once I agree with her. The strategy guide gives me all sorts of pointers on fighting this dude, but like I mentioned before, I’m just a tad overleveled. One hit of Waterga and two hits of Swordplay skills later, Guardian Beast goes to the Farplane for uncreative boss monsters.
The girls run forward to claim their exciting prize. “What? It’s only half a sphere,” Rikku complains. Paine isn’t too happy either, but that’s just typical Paine. They decide to nab it anyway, because you never know. “I can’t believe how much this place has changed,” Yuna whines again, like, we fucking get it. At last, the blessed Mission Complete screen saves me from any further wankst.
Now that we’ve visited and completed the appropriate missions for our two hotspots, it’s time for some new “plot.” Back aboard El Celsioso, lights are flashing and Brother is screeching like a dying hog. Buddy mutters something in Al Bhed that apparently includes the word “awesome,” as Rikku immediately inquires as to just what is so damn awesome. “We’re getting reports of an “awesome sphere”? Looks like it’s already drawn quite a crowd,” Buddy notes. From here on, this “awesome sphere” is now the AWESOM-O sphere because a) I like South Park and b) technically, it’s From Japan.
The AWESOM-O sphere is somewhere in Kilika Woods, which is coincidentally the one place we haven’t visited yet. “I want that sphere,” Yuna says in a way that makes the verb “want” sound less innocent than was perhaps intended. They probably sell Ben-Wa balls at the sex shops in Spira, Yuna — no need to use an old relic for your personal pleasure. Meanwhile, the fanboys have all captured this as a video clip to watch over and over while they…visually appreciate the aesthetics of Yuna’s character design. With lube.
Rikku is all raring to get this sphere as well, as it probably can be used to back up other spheres and stuff. Totally cool. “Who is the leader? I am! I give the orders around here!!” Brother freaks, like he’s even had a line since our last required plot point several recaps ago. These orders are delivered as Brother stands atop his seat: “Let’s go! Party! [unintelligible jungle noise] Party! [more unintelligible jungle noise]” I don’t know about you, but I am getting a distinct feeling that Brother is supposed to be the wacky spazzy guy. The characterization is subtle, so it’s hard to tell.
With that enthusiastic send-off, Yuna and the gals get dropped off at Kilika Island. And I can’t even finish the recap without one more moment of God damn Wankese. The camera pans over Kilika Port, which the game designers actually bothered to update. Sin hasn’t been around to kill any babies here for a while, so the people rebuilt the place, complete with palm fronds atop their primitive grass huts. Can you guess where this is? It’s Kilika Port, Yuna wanks to the invisible Tightass. Good thing Sphere Recorder Bob is here to get all this on tape for him, since he might get confused over what “this” refers to otherwise. The Youth League is responsible for Kilika’s fabulous new look. At the time, everyone was grateful. But lately, well, there have been signs of trouble. It seems that tension is building between the Youth League and New Yevon. No! That twist came out of left field. I wonder if they’ll explore that tension any further in this game.
On that sinister and completely obvious note, it’s time to end this recap. But don’t be sad — Kelly will introduce us to the last member of the Ambiguously Gay Trio and hunt down that AWESOM-O sphere, which will hopefully not be lame. I’ll see you all in Part 8!