Leaving the Guado wankst-a-thon behind, Yuna heads to the snowy area by Lake Macalania. Here we see the first change to the place — the lake is now a giant crater without the layer of ice on top. And since I’m still confused as to whether or not the damn thing ever contained water, I can’t say for sure that anything else has changed. But anyway, the camera does a big pan over the empty lake to make sure we get the point. As for the rest of the area — well, it’s still cold and snowy. I like how they make sure to mention that the disappearance of Shiva is responsible for the changes in the lake and the supposed changes in the woods, but the very condition that Shiva caused is still there. Of course, I’m asking the game designers to not reuse the screens — I might as well ask Squall to have sex with me.

I’d also like to note that this is a game where the system revolves around clothing changes, and yet the girls don’t even bother to don, say, their white mage robes when the temperature is below freezing. The only consolation I have is that the game designers didn’t get too…anatomically correct with the girls in this scene. Of course, that would require a familiarity with female anatomy on the part of the game designers.

A group of Al Bhed are gathered around the exterior of the inn, brandishing guns and looking generally pissed. Given that I’m not a reincarnation of a race that only exists in this fictional video game, I am not fluent in Al Bhed and can’t understand what one guy yells. But using my 1337 deduction skills, I believe he’s asking, “Where is he?” The second guy spouts more gibberish, this time addressing O’aka by name. I guess he must have raped them out of their hard-earned gil, too. We should form a support group.

The camera pulls away as the last Al Bhed, a chick, yells some more stuff at the door of the inn. As the three Al Bhed face the inn, the object of their annoyance sneaks up behind Yuna. Yes, it’s our old “friend,” O’aka, still carrying that dumb green sack around. “Do O’aka a favor and pretend ye never saw him!” he whispers to Yuna in his ridiculous accent, like it’s easy to forget a freak in a dopey hat, carrying a lime green sack, and sounding like Eliza Doolittle mated with Steve Irwin.

O’aka runs off like a rabbit on speed, and not only does he get a head start on me, but I get slowed down by roughly 10 million random battles. Okay, one. It’s still annoying. When I get back to Macalania Woods proper, O’aka is still running like Pyramid Head is about to rape his butt. “O’aka XXIII! Where are you?” Rikku calls all cutesy. This is the cue for the mission screen to show up, giving me details about my latest fascinating mission, “Follow That O’aka!” Apparently, the Al Bhed are debt collectors, and O’aka’s trying to weasel his way out of paying them. “Go hunt him down, but stay on your toes! He’s faster than the average merchant,” the screen tells me. It makes it sound like this mission takes some sort of skill. I can assure you, that is not the case.

First, I follow the sparkly treetop path to the entrance. While up there, Yuna can see O’aka on the path below, huffing and puffing along for all the good it’s going to do him. With the girls slowed down by random battles, O’aka might have had a fighting chance to escape, if not for the fact that he decided to stand still right in the middle of the path leading east. Dumbass. As soon as he makes sure that I see him, he hightails it offscreen, leaving me to follow again. Sigh.

I end up at the spring to the north of the path, where a lone whiny Guado stands, his poonty hands almost scraping the ground. The girls spread out over the ten-foot-square area, using their extreme detective skills to locate that wily O’aka. Yuna consults the whiny Guado because I hate myself, and he mentions that they are not the only ones to visit his sorry ass in the last few moments. “Oh, dear, I don’t think I was supposed to say that,” he whines. Clearly not, as “someone” apparently asked him to say, “Don’t walk over there!” which isn’t at all suspicious. The camera switches to the “there” in question, where O’aka hides up in a tree. Holy crap, the guy managed to cross two screens and climb up that tree in 19 seconds? Carrying that bulging sack (ew)? I think he’s in the wrong profession.

O’aka gives himself up willingly, not like that, and announces that he is “at [their] service.” No thanks. We’re supposed to chuckle indulgently at that wacky O’aka and his antics, but I’m irritable and immature, so I just want to call him Ho’cocka. I never said I was creative.

With this rewarding chase sequence out of the way, we now find out more about O’aka’s dilemma. “I bought the Travel Agency from Mr. Rin, but then the temple nearby sank to the bottom of the lake,” he tells us. No, it was not built up only to sink into the lake several more times, nor did it burn down at any point. But without a temple containing a sexy naked lady, no one really felt like journeying to a frozen wasteland anymore. So O’aka’s business went to shit, and the bill collectors are now at his door. He begs Yuna to hide him out for a while. It’s actually kind of tempting to turn him in, as the alternative involves me losing a buttload of money. But the stupid sacred 100% tells me I have to help his sorry ass. Plus, it’s Yuna, and we know how much she likes hopeless cases.

El Celsioso is now one wanker richer, and I earn a Mission Complete. I feel so accomplished and not at all depressed. Although the strategy guide tells me to talk to O’aka on the airship, I am a fucking moron and forget to do so right this second. Hopefully, doing it later will not fuck me up in any way. You’ve got to love a game that inspires such a high level of paranoia. Anyway, we’ll discuss the exciting nature of O’aka’s debt payments when I get there in my footage. Consider it a reprieve for now.

Our next stop is Bikanel Desert, which is both the place where a wizard magically transported the group in FFX and the place where the Machine Faction does all their digging. It looks like the girls get dropped off in a random spot in the middle of nowhere, with blowing sand for effect. At least they’re dressed correctly for this area.

It’s been 29 minutes and 39 seconds since our last wankover, so we’re long overdue. Bikanel Island, Yuna says. This is where the Al Bhed’s beloved Home stood until two years ago. Obviously such a minor event can easily slip the mind, so it’s good that Yuna is here to remind all of us. Christ, Tightass isn’t going to forget the place where he threw the fit to end all fits. Or where we were all introduced to the “I’m Annoying, Huh?” guy. Yuna continues, telling us that some Al Bhed still live here and there are tons of machina (ahem, MACHINES, Yuna) buried around the place. Which we also gathered from the fact that people are applying to fucking dig in the desert. Duh.

Rikku offers to lead them to the camp, which causes me to wonder why in the hell Brother didn’t drop them off there in the first place. Oh, but then we couldn’t experience the hilarious hijinks that ensue. It turns out that Rikku isn’t the greatest guide after all, so now they’re going to die out in the barren wasteland. Hey, that is funny. But before that payoff, I have to make Yuna follow Rikku through what seems like the entire desert, fighting random battles along the way.

After three minutes and thirty seconds, a cut scene reveals that Paine is skeptical of Rikku’s navigational abilities. “Uh, Rikku? Are we in trouble?” Yuna wonders. Surely they could use the magical communication with El Celsioso to get some help. I’m sure Brother is shitting himself at the very idea of Yuna in danger just like he was all those other God damn times. But who cares about continuity when we can have the obligatory desert pass-out sequence? We see a series of scenes with the girls continuing to walk and run until the camera goes into slo-mo. Yes, Paine can run in high heeled leather boots in the fucking sand. But if Yuna can walk on water, then why not?

At last, the camera gets all artsy while the girls collapse on top of a sand dune. It pulls waaaay out to show us that nope, there’s nothing around for miles. Seriously, I think we get that by now.

Well, that was the shortest game ever. I guess it goes to show that even the skimpiest outfits are no match for the hot temperatures of — what’s that? A fucking communication probe? Oh, Jesus, someone’s there to rescue them. How convenient. We see a pair of masked Al Bhed from Yuna’s drugged point of view undoubtedly discussing the best way to split three girls among the two of them.

We cut to a group of hummers with quite a number of Al Bhed just chillin’ nearby. Yuna is back on her feet, and one of the two Al Bhed that saved her says something in Al Bhed, probably thanking her for a great time back there. She scores an Al Bhed primer so that she can understand their propositions in the future.

So the girls are finally at the fucking camp. At the save point, Yuna can board the airship if she so chooses. So at this very point in the game, there was really nothing stopping the Gullwing guys from helping them out. Jerks. Yuna then joins her completely-recovered lesbian gal pals over near a hummer, where they’re discussing literature and the meaning of life with some random Al Bhed. “He says they had to move the camp to escape a sandstorm,” Rikku informs her. “We could’ve looked forever and never found it.” Again, where was Brother?

At that exact moment, Rikku finds out from another random Al Bhed that an imminent sandstorm will henceforth make it impossible for them to leave the desert. This is the game designers’ “creative” way of ensuring that I don’t try to teleport out of there during the upcoming mission. Whatever.

Because this excavation subplot is so very exciting, I make Yuna Talk To Everyone to get the full scoop. Apparently, there are various excavation areas, and each one has its own special quirks. I will not share them with you, because none of us really cares about this shit — just understand that there is a Western Expanse, a Southern Expanse (complete with Oasis), and a Central Expanse. Currently, only the Western Expanse is available.

Obviously, the game designers felt that simply arriving at the camp, then going right out to dig would not be enough filler thrilling enough for this game. Even after the addition of that little “Fuck, We Are Lost” subplot, this whole sequence still needed some filler dramatic tension. So they added in the completely extraneous part where Nhadala, the person Gippal told them to speak to, is out digging at the moment and I have to sit around picking my fucking ass until she shows up. I am truly on the edge of my seat. At least I manage to find out valuable information, such as the fact that machina are buried out in the desert.