The camera fades out only to fade back in on Jecht and Auron standing outside an inn. Auron clearly doesn’t want to stand anywhere near Jecht, probably because of the smell, but Braska asks Auron to move closer to McWankerson, Sr. Auron takes his sweet time, and then only moves about two feet closer, standing with his back to the camera. He’s as awkward as Squall finding a naked Rinoa waiting for him in bed. “What’s the matter? Afraid I might bite?” Jecht taunts. Actually, Auron is worried that wankiness is contagious. Jecht suggests that Braska take a picture of himself to show to “little Yuna.” Auron gets pissy and says that they should stop wasting their time. Although the man clearly has something large and possibly pointy wedged firmly in his ass, I don’t blame him for not wanting to be involved with shit people do for their kids. What the hell would he care about that? Jecht and Auron get in a small verbal catfight, and the screen fades to white. Watching other people’s home videos is so riveting.

I know I’m afraid of that.

Fade back in on Tightass, agreeing with the video Auron about it not being a “pleasure cruise.” Because Tightass himself has been taking this whole trip SO seriously. Rikku points out that the sphere isn’t done yet. Cue the next part of Jecht’s video. There are two pointless seconds of the same clearing where the current party is, and then another fade out. Jecht is clearly a talented videographer. Fade in again on Jecht sitting in front of the sparkly tree with an orb in it, talking to the camera. “If you’re sitting there, watching this…it means you’re stuck in Spira, like me.” The hell? Okay, I’ll give the man kudos for being right and all, but where the hell did that come from? He makes it doubly clear that he’s talking about Tightass by telling him not to cry. He actually says that he’d understand if Tightass was crying, making me lose even more respect for him, but then redeems himself a bit by saying, “There’s a time when you have to stop crying and move on.” Sadly, he doesn’t say anything about wanking or wanky voiceovers, so I guess I’m stuck with those for a while. Damn it. Jecht breaks out the sappy “You’re my son,” shit and I’m suddenly thankful I didn’t eat any dinner this evening. Unfortunately, it gets worse. Jecht stumbles over what he was going to say next, finishing with “Never mind. I’m no good at these things.” I thank the game designers that I didn’t have to hear the “L” word with Tightass as the recipient.

Don’t count on it, buddy.

The camera shuts off, only to turn back on again with Jecht operating it. He tells Tightass he believes in him. God, what a jerk. I can see why Tightass hates him so much. After Jecht says goodbye, the video is over. Okay, does it scare anyone else that someone actually seems to care about Tightass? “He sounded almost serious, but it was too late,” Tightass whines. See, even Tightass can’t quite believe that anyone gives a shit about him. “He was serious,” Auron replies, walking toward the camera and providing us with a gratuitous crotch shot. He says that Jecht had already accepted his fate. Tightass is confused, obviously. Auron has to explain that Jecht originally wanted to return to Zanarkand. The sex with Tightass’s mom must have been pretty amazing, because I can’t imagine Tightass being enough of an incentive to go back. Auron also says what we already knew — that Jecht took those videos to show to Tightass. “But as he journeyed with us and came to understand Spira, and Braska’s resolve…It happened gradually, but Jecht changed. He decided he would join Braska in his fight against Sin.” Tightass sounds surprised that his dad gave up on going home, but Auron just says that that was his decision.

The game designers actually provided us Auron fangirls with a crotch shot. I’m speechless.

“I guess I understood,” Tightass Wankeses because the game designers hate me. He wanks some more about how Jecht figured out there was no way back to Zanarkand, and even if there was, he wouldn’t have left his (butt) buddies behind to fend for themselves. Because I’m sure his mad blitzball skills really came in handy in fighting fiends. “Maybe I had to start accepting my own fate,” Tightass continues. Maybe he just needs to shut up.

A text box pops up, informing us that there are Jecht spheres hidden all over Spira, and that defeating the blob monster caused them to appear. Because that makes a whole lot of sense. Just don’t think about it too hard. Also, Auron learns a new overdrive. At least something useful came out of me sitting through all that crap.

It’s time for the journey to continue. Or at least that’s what the game designers want me to think. In actuality, there’s a cutscene with Auron and Tightass. No, don’t you dare interpret that sentence in a dirty way. “Jecht loved you,” Auron tells Tightass, with more than a hint of disbelief in his voice. Tightass sounds a bit nauseated, rather like me. Again, I am in agreement with Tightass. That means that I might as well kill myself. “He just didn’t know how to express it, he said,” Auron continues. Well, obviously, no one would know how to express love for Tightass, because it’s an impossibility. “Enough about my old man, okay?” Tightass whines. “I just thought you should know,” Auron responds. “Thanks,” Tightass says as Auron walks away. God. I just experienced something that hurts like a thousand deaths.

Now the journey continues, right to the save point so I don’t have to go through that shit again. Tightass runs past all the miscellaneous crystals and out into a wintery landscape. An inn is nearby, and unsurprisingly, it’s the same inn we saw in the sphere. Not that it really has anything to do with anything, but I just thought I’d point that out. Clasko is there, stroking his chocobo. That came out really wrong. Clasko whines about how the others left him behind. I really can’t imagine why they would do that. The chocobo squawks, and Clasko magically knows to scratch it. Tightass is in awe of Clasko’s 1337 chocobo skillz and asks him how he could possibly figure out what the chocobo wanted. “I’ve always been able to tell how chocobos feel. Maybe I’d make a better chocobo breeder than Chocobo Knight, huh?” he says. He asks Tightass what he thinks. Suddenly Clasko’s entire fate is in my hands. I feel so powerful. I choose the “Chocobo Breeder” option, rather than “Chocobo Knight,” causing Clasko to make an important job change. I expect some thanks from Lucil and Elma for getting this little bastard out of their hair. No, not that kind of thanks, although some people would probably like to watch that.

Think how bad Yuna’s going to feel on the wedding night.

With that completely pointless exchange out of the way, Tightass enters the inn, bypassing O’aka, who stands outside. Inside, Tightass talks to Auron, who says, “There is a saying: ‘Hurry up and wait.’ It means, prepare quickly so you’re ready for whatever comes next.” “Sounds like something an old man would say,” Tightass scoffs. “Forgive me,” Auron responds with a level of sarcasm in his voice that I only wish I could aspire to. “Hey, just being honest!” Tightass wanks, like that makes it all right. Die, Tightass.

Wakka says something about the wedding being depressing. Tightass tells him not to say such a thing, as if he’s all gung ho about the wedding suddenly. “I say what I want, ever since I was a kid!” Wakka boasts. Great, just great. “Oh, so you’re an adult now?” Tightass says skeptically, like he’s so mature. “You know it!” Wakka responds. Idiot. Wakka also thinks that things have gotten “complicated” since Auron joined the party. Yes, it’s so complicated that someone in the party actually knows what he’s doing. Tightass agrees with Wakka. What is wrong with these people?