Holy shit, the Gullwings actually went on a mission to get a sphere and now they have one! It’s a miracle! Mission fucking complete!
The sphere, as Nooj foreshadowed earlier, is another recording of Greyskull. This one, however, was filmed from enough of a distance that it’s possible to see more of the room it resides in, as well as the many armed guards normally surrounding it. There are glowing runic symbols all over the walls of the circular chamber, just like the ones that can be found in any of the Yevonite temples. “That is the colossus [Greyskull],” Lesbianc tells them. While I sit here and wonder if they scoured the recording for visual clues to determine roughly where Greyskull is, as Nooj indicated, Lesbianc goes on, “We’ve finished our analysis of the sphere. It appears to have been recorded underneath Bevelle.” Oh. Or they did that.
Paine says, “I see Bevelle hasn’t lost its old fondness for secrets.” Real talk, girl. Lesbianc replies, “Exactly,” because fuck Bevelle. “Those Yevon scum have been concealing that weapon all along. If anyone uses that thing, Spira is done for.” Way more done for than when a giant whale monster was wreaking havoc and destroying villages, only to regenerate every time it was killed? I mean, I know this is a world with Clasko and Shelinda in it, but these people have been through some bad shit. Let’s give Spira a little credit for resiliency.
Oh, and Rikku also points out, “But it’s a machina!” Dog-paddling to emphasize her point, I guess, she tells them, “All we have to do is shakey-shake our way up to it and take it apart!” Well, according to Lesbianc, “That’s what Noojie’s got in mind. And of course, whatever he’s planning is what I’m planning.” He’s planning to have buttsex with Baralai inside Greyskull’s mouth later–is she down for that? Meanwhile, Lesbianc is telling them all this because she wants to know what Yuna’s going to do about it. “The summoner who defeated Sin ought to stand up and defend Spira again,” she reasons. I take umbrage to this “ought” business, like Yuna owes anybody shit when she defeated Sin, married Seymour just to try to send him, and made out with Tightass in a pond so she could try and drown him (in the Wishful Thinking Special Collector’s Edition). But Yuna just nods in agreement–obviously, she was not about to stand by and do nothing–so who am I to get mad on her dumbass behalf?
“So then I guess we’re on the same side,” Lesbianc determines. “We’ll be waiting for you.” When Paine asks where they intend to wait–can’t they all just leave together?–Lesbianc duhs at her, “Don’t be silly, love. On your airship, of course. I’ve always wanted to take a spin on that thing!” At least we know one thing she wants to ride isn’t Nooj’s crooked penis. “Ever heard of asking?” Rikku demands of her, not happy about this nonconsensual El Celsioso ride. But they just run out, snickering at her.
Okay, so the reason Lesbianc et al couldn’t just wait a moment so they could all leave together is that Yuna needed some relative alone time to wank poetic. Sin is gone. The Calm is here. I thought our peaceful days would never end, she derps internally as Paine stares like she’s afraid Yuna might have a tumor. The Eternal Calm. I really believed it would last forever…until now. I’ve realized how fragile it can be. But the only thing the Eternal Calm really refers to is the permanent freedom from Sin. It’s not like it’s a banishment of all other bad things that might happen. I mean, did nothing bad ever happen on Spira that wasn’t directly related to Sin? Nothing? Ever?
Yuna, you’re not supposed to make the double dismissive wanking motion at your own statements.
I’m prompted to save here, which means I’m on a one-way trip to the end of chapter two. We fade back in on an exterior shot of El Celsioso. Lesbianc, Laurel, and Hardy are standing on the hood deck, staring out into the sky and trying to not inhale any insects. The Gullwings, who have all learned from experience, are in the bug- and wind-free confines of the bridge. Soon enough, their three visitors realize that Lesbianc’s top might blow off up there and they come down to the bridge as well, where Lesbianc orders them, “We are going to Bevelle. Full speed ahead!” Brother is like, “The fuck is this?” and refuses to do shit unless it’s on Yuna’s say-so. But of course Yuna agrees with Lesbianc that the order of the day is saving Spira’s unemployed bacon. Behind her, Rikku sighs, “Yunie, Yunie.” Paine agrees, “Always getting herself dragged into trouble.” Yuna hears them, of course, and knows they’re right, but she can’t just not save Spira, since that would jeopardize her ass being immortalized in stone on Mt. Gagazet. “Well, we’re going to Bevelle,” she tells Rikku and Paine firmly. Firmly for her, anyway. “There should be lots of spheres there! So why don’t we hunt for them on the side?” Rikku and Paine simultaneously deadpan, “Uh huh,” like this is even less believable than Paine being in a four-way with Nooj, Baralai, and Gippal. Like that’s even possible!
“Just admit it, love,” Lesbianc says from the background. “You’re a goody-goody.” Faced with this giant, undeniable truth-bomb, Yuna gapes with an outraged blowjob mouth like Lesbianc just called her a virgin who can’t drive. Yuna doesn’t get the chance to retaliate, though, since they are all pulled into the map screen, where the only available option is Bevelle. “That [Greyskull] is bad news,” Buddy says. “We better get under Bevelle and get to the bottom of this.” And now I can’t help but picture the Gullwings, dressed like slutty mechanics, sliding beneath Bevelle’s undercarriage and then telling Baralai, “Legally, we can’t let you drive out of here with a nuclear devil machina stuck in your suspension.”
When they’re on the ground in Bevelle, Rikku asks how Yuna intends to handle this operation. Wait, so now we’re just trusting Yuna to invent espionage tactics out of whole cloth? Really? Yuna responds accordingly, “Um…” But Lesbianc has a plan: “We nab the head honcho. Then, we make him lead us to [Greyskull], and…checkmate.” Yuna goes, “Not bad,” intensely relieved to be off the hook. “I got no problem with this,” Hardy weighs in, like we care. “Our target is the New Yevon praetor, Baralai!” And then, in the running for Ironic Statement of the Century, Laurel adds, “A girly man like that doesn’t stand a chance without his escort.” The ladies’ backs are turned but I imagine Lesbianc rolling her eyes like crazy at him. But Paine warns Laurel, who might try to engage noodle-armed Baralai in a one-on-one wrestling match otherwise, “Careful. He’s much stronger than he looks.”
Everyone turns to Paine, and she’s just about to hear five voices ask her, “How do yooooooooou knooooooooow?” but they’re interrupted by half a dozen New Yevon guards. “It’s those Youth League spies!” one of them shouts. “We won’t have you defile this place like you did in Kilika!” Lesbianc takes one look at these burly, enthusiastic men with guns, tells Yuna, “Well, good luck!” and she and her henchmen sprint off in the opposite direction. But what about Baralai! He’s so feminine and wimpy!
The guards are, obviously, no problem at all, but they probably would have presented the fight of a lifetime to the Lesbianc Syndicate, so I guess I understand. Steve the Barkeep is hanging out by the save sphere, just in case Mish Yoona forgot to stock up on supplies, since she can’t go back to El Celsioso. “I’ve got itemsh for yoo!” he tells her proudly, making me so very sad for him. Of course, he doesn’t even have anything that Yuna didn’t buy 99 of from fucking O’aka.
You forgot about that whole ‘Yevon is a Metroid’ thing?
The path to the temple is littered with either zealous defenders of the church or whiny idiots who still think their religion is anything other than a criminal sham. People, even Shelinda got tired of this Yevon bullshit. That does not speak well of anyone who is still here. One guard near the gate, who notably is not volunteering to die for his church, still takes the time to patronize Yuna, “Oh, how I used to respect you! But now…*sigh*” Look, I know her outfit is ridiculous and I make fun of her a lot, but come on man, what the fuck is this. She’s gone from making out with wankers to making out with her hot cousin! She’s come so far!
Wow, Steve has a nice ass.
Word in the courtyard area is that Baralai has suddenly gone missing and that nobody has any idea what the fuck is happening. Yevonites: just like the rest of us! And inside the temple, the monks are freaking the fuck out without their girly man praetor. Many of them seem to have not gotten the memo about Yuna being a traitor to their stupid religion, since one guy asks the “High Summoner” if she can confirm the rumors about Baralai’s disappearance. But one guy just warns her to watch out for the soldiers since they’re all frothed up in a rage over the AWESOM-O Sphere. Yeah, Yuna figured that out, thanks.
After a priest straight up tells her to hit some switches to go to the Bevelle Underground, which sounds like Spira’s most pedophile-friendly nightclub, Yuna, indeed, activates a switch in each of the rooms off to the left and right of the main chamber. Then she hops on one of those floating balcony things, and instead of it taking YRP up to what I think was Grand Maester Mika’s throne, it descends below into the fog. But not before Rikku can state the obvious: “Geez, things really are a mess, huh?” Paine stays silent, but Yuna just grips the railings and goes, “Yeah,” in a super bitter tone. She thought she’d only have to solve all of Spira’s problems the one time! This is bullshit!
For some reason, this route places the girls directly in the Bevelle cloister of trials. Better, as they land on the acid-inspired walkway, they spot a lizard fiend a few feet away. Yes, it’s actually there. Duuuuude. “Wait,” Rikku says. “What are fiends doing in the temple?” This is basically an exact repeat of the idiotic conversation Wakka and Auron had here before, subbing “fiends” for “machina,” and Paine even replies, “The temples reek of secrets. Don’t let a couple of fiends throw you.” In other words, Yevonites are hypocritical dickweeds and probably have a fiend puppy mill in every temple. But Yuna stands behind them both, still looking hangdog about all this. Because Bevelle was so perfect before! Jesus, Yuna.
Killing the first fiend that appears in front of them–a Flan Blanco, which sounds delicious–makes the horrible designs on the walkway light up and move, turning the whole area into an animated casino carpet. If visitors look at it long enough, they get disoriented, forget they’re in Spira’s biggest asshole factory, and give Yevon all their money. Genius.
It is kind of like a giant toilet bowl.
Eventually, the walkways and flying balconies lead the girls to the chamber of the fayth, with Steve dutifully following behind to sell them shit. Steve makes a point of telling Yuna to stock up while she can, and that plus the save sphere is enough to create a blinking chyron that reads, “POINT OF NO RETURN, GIRD YOUR TITS.” With the fayth in the back room gone, there is now a gaping hole in the floor, leading to a deep, ominously glowing pit. This hole must lead to hell, and since that’s where Tightass is, Yuna is very much on board with hopping in. They all jump, Yuna and Rikku with obligatory constipated noises. And when they, of course, do not die from this incredibly long fall, and blithely walk into the cavernous area at the bottom, with the Lesbianc Trio inexplicably behind them, they find a truly massive chamber full of machina, blinking lights, and corrugated metal. Paine makes sure to smack Yuna upside the head with the Bevelle SEEEEEEEEEEEECRETS Hammer for the second time in five minutes.