Incidentally, Yuna must also talk to the other Ronso wandering around and reassure them as well. Just what I need: another group of Spirans for whom I have to select the “right” conversational option out of several, with no real contextual help. Yuna generally tries to tamp down the raging fire of anti-Guadoism, but one Ronso who points out that the Guado also attacked the Al Bhed prompts her to respond, “Maybe the Guado really are to blame.” Not that the Guado aren’t horrible and creepy, but Yuna is such a goddamn hypocrite. Finally, Yuna chats up Garprick, the leader of this Guado genocide campaign. Nothing she can say will talk him out of his hatred, and he rambles on about how he prayed to the mountain and the mountain makes him strong. He’s probably the one who’s been doing unspeakable things to the Fayth Scar. When he tells her that he’s ready to show the Guado his huge, impressive, mountain-strengthened horn, Yuna replies sadly, “But if that happens, the fighting will never end.” Oh, I don’t know, Yuna. There are about a dozen each of both species left–how long could a war between them really last?
Yuna made sure to dress appropriately for the cold.
Up the mountain a bit, the girls meet a female Ronso who is one of the rare Spirans endeavoring to do something productive with herself in this post-Sin world. She wants to sculpt something “to honor Ronso glory on towering Fayth Scar.” But she hasn’t thought of a subject yet, since it must be something suitably majestic for the location and commemoration. I shouldn’t have to tell you that, if I played my cards right with all those racist Ronso earlier, this artiste will end up sculpting Saint Yuna and her bare asscheeks, because of course she fucking will.
Past the Michelangelo of badly dressed ladies, YRP reaches the Fayth Scar. As they look up at the towering cliffs with plenty of convenient climbing ledges, Sphere Recorder Bob makes a dramatic whoosh noise near his boom mic and Rikku wails, “You mean we’re supposed to climb this?” Paine quips, “No wonder the Ronso never come here.” Heh. As they’re staring, Yuna shouts out, “Look!” and a female Lesbianc goon somersaults into view, easily flipping her way to the top of the cliff. That bitch!
And with a pretty pink Lesbianc Syndicate uniform within sight, the girls are presented with a mission. They’re reminded, again, that they are still in need of uniforms to sneak into Chateau Lesbianc. Time to rip a girl’s clothes off for fun and profit! Nothing objectionable going on here!
Rikku’s complaints, naturally, turn out to be for nothing, since Yuna easily and quickly scales the cliff face. At the top she enters a fissure in the wall, which eventually leads to more platform-jumping with the pink-clad goon just ahead of them. Finally, she reaches the entrance to what looks to be an enclosed area, but instead keeps climbing until she reaches a rocky ledge overlooking that same enclosure.
Penis!
Okay, so you know how with this game, it’s not enough to just complete the goddamn mission–it’s often necessary to do it in a specific and arbitrary manner that is not telegraphed or obvious in any way? Like screwing up chocobo wrangling just to make Rikku bruise her bony ass? That’s what is going on here. Had YRP simply walked through the gap in the cliff a minute ago, I would have been deprived of the following scene, which is crucial to the completion percentage. But missing this scene doesn’t jeopardize their mission. No, what makes this a crucial piece of the completion puzzle is that it’s a scene in which Yuna lezzes out with her cousin and their special lady friend.
Below the ledge, the girls discover, is a hot spring. Two Lesbianc femme-goons are hanging out near the water’s edge, fully dressed, lest the fanboys fill up on Lesbianc goon bread and are too full for the YRP entrée. Our heroines eavesdrop as one femme-goon says to her friend, “That water felt great! Can you believe there’s a hot spring in a place like this?” What, on a mountain? Uh, yes, I can? Anyway, the other one looks around furtively and asks, “But isn’t this supposed to be sacred Ronso ground? Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea…” Oh, the things these two ladies just did to each other. Kimahri would shed a single tear.
“What? You think some Ronso boogie man is gonna come get you?” the first femme-goon says. “Better that than the boss, know what I mean?” If the boss found out about this, she’d probably carpet the mountain in rose petals and kidnap Baralai just to get Nooj up here. But as soon as the femme-goons mention the boss, Hardy comes waddling in to see if these two have been “slacking off.” One of them bullshits about “trying to, uh, rejuvenate, sir” because they wanted to be at the top of their game for their somersaulting duties. At this exact moment, the ledge the girls are standing on breaks from the wall and they fall, rock slab and all, into the hot spring. Hardy and the femme-goons, not noticing what caused the giant splash, squeal with fright and get the fuck out of there.
That fall was easily fifty feet, and the water is too shallow to really break that kind of fall, but their special Mary Sue Trio powers must protect their bones from breaking, since they all pop up a moment later and Yuna and Rikku start chattering enthusiastically about the lovely hot water. “Were those [Lesbianc]’s goons?” Paine asks, but the other two are so not listening. Rikku does manage to spot something that the ladies forgot–a crumpled-up Syndicate uniform sitting on a ledge. But there were only two girls, and they were both dressed, and…you know what? I don’t care. Mission complete.
But, of course, the secondary mission of Yuna and Rikku being massively inappropriate with each other has yet to be finished. Oh, who am I kidding, that’s the primary mission. “Well, as long as we’re here…” Yuna giggles. Even Rikku is scandalized enough to ask, “On sacred ground?” Not that that’s going to keep her from participating. Paine, sensing all her hard work as a Gullwing finally paying off and then some, creeps at the cousins, “No one’s looking.” But I’m watching! Think of me! And Sphere Recorder Bob! Where is their god, to teach them it’s not okay to have sex with your cousin? What’s that? Yuna killed him and Rikku helped? Oh. Right.
At first I wonder if I’ve overreacted, since all the girls do at Paine’s lecherous encouragement is splash around in the water, fully clothed. Uh, relatively speaking. But after a fade to black, we come right back to the hot springs, and now all three of them are wearing bikinis. I guess I should be grateful those are even there. They all also appear to be flushed from the hot water, because they couldn’t make a new model for fat Wakka or pregnant Lulu, but they could work on getting the facial pigmentation juuuuuust right for the lesbian hot spring scene.
NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE
Yuna starts out just enjoying the water, but it only takes two seconds for Rikku to crawl over on all fours toward HER FIRST COUSIN, I MUST POINT OUT AGAIN, and croon at Yuna’s tits, “Hmm… What have we here?” Yuna turns away, embarrassed, because Jesus. Rikku makes a big show of turning around, like Yuna’s the one being unreasonable here, and snits, while massaging her own arms for no reason, “Whatever. I know who’s got it goin’ on!” Stop. Please stop. Yuna goes, “Excuse me!” and so Rikku finally gives up on her and crawls over to Paine, who halfheartedly splashes at her and cries, “Stay away!” Oh come on, Paine, don’t be coy. Rikku probably correctly interprets this as an invitation and keeps crawling. “Who-hoa!” she exclaims at Paine’s ass. “Wanna get [motorboated]?” Paine responds.
By the way, there are Hypello in swim trunks dancing around in the background. Why not? Mish Yoona is putting on a show! SRB is going to put this up on Spiranet, and it’s going to get more hits than when he secretly recorded Brother doing “Gangnam Style.”
Paine stands up to chase Rikku down and give her the motorboating of a lifetime, and Rikku crawls away with unconcealed glee, crowing to Yuna, “You should check out Paine…” The screen goes black as Paine grunts from behind Rikku, “[Motorboat] time!” Yes, Paine, of course it is. Now, I don’t know what that fade to black was for, because the scene returns after a second, exactly where it left off. Rikku and Paine are about to start “wrestling,” and then Yuna sheds her inhibition, leaps to her feet, and cries, “Ooh! Let me help!” So she skips behind Rikku and holds her in a half-nelson while Paine advances on her boobs. This is happening. We are at Cousincest Defcon One.
Obviously, Rikku.
As if this could get any more uncomfortable, Yuna hears the voice of her other Cousin Dangereux: “Yuna,” Brother shouts over El Celsioso’s PA system, “what’s all the noise?” The girls stop groping each other long enough for Yuna to answer innocently, “Just taking a little dip.” I take it back–that was not innocent at all. To himself, Brother wonders in Al Bhed what the hell that means, and once he puts it together, he screams, “Code pink! I’ll be there right now!” I don’t even want to know what he’s referring to with “Code pink.” That is not okay. When the next thing they hear is Brother uttering a strangled yelp and a loud thump, Buddy tells them, “Don’t worry, I knocked him out.” Thank fucking God. Buddy is the MVP of the Gullwings from here to eternity for keeping Brother out of this scenario.
“Maybe we should get out,” Rikku finally says. “I’m getting all pruney!” Another mental image I did not need. Yuna groans sensuously as the scene fades to black yet again, and she tells the others, “I really needed that.” She needed to get that sexual tension with her cousin out of her system, clearly. Paine’s going to be glowing for days after this.
The hot spring lesbian interlude mercifully at an end, Yuna gets her stupid half-skirt back on and leaves by the proper entrance. But outside, she runs into the femme-goons who fled from their asses splashing into the water earlier. “We’ll be taking that uniform back!” one of them yells, pointing her frilly fan in Yuna’s face. The other one says with a tremble in her voice, “If we lose it, [Lesbianc] will give us the heel!” That must really motorboat.
Our heroines dispatch the poor femme-goons with ease, naturally, so I guess it’ll be the heel for them. But up the cliff a little more, they find Hardy looming above them. As he hops down to their level, he grunts, “Lousy Gullwings! Falling down on people like that. Gave me a little surprise, that’s all.” Paine basically accuses him of hiding at the top of the cliff until the scary girls from the hot spring went away. He has no comeback to this but to begin another embarrassingly easy battle. Seriously, Lesbianc needs to put on a goon boot camp or something.
After they’ve defeated Hardy, they find that Brother has returned to the waking world and seems to be over the fact that he missed out on scoping out his cousin’s ass. The girls report their success in getting another uniform, and a black screen later they’re back aboard El Celsioso, this time with Paine joining Rikku incognito. As usual, no one has anything of interest to tell Yuna, so she skips ahead to the next item on her agenda: another visit to Zanarkand.