I gain control of Mr. McWankerson again, which means it’s time for a round of Talk To People About Stuff. First stop: Auron, of course. He gives his opinion on the current Yevon situation, commenting that Mika and Seymour are probably not in agreement on the whole nutty Seymour-becoming-Sin thing. He also expresses concern that Yevon’s weakness is a bad thing for Spira, despite earlier comments that implied that Yevon in trouble = good. Or maybe he’s happy, because if Spira went to hell, so would Tightass, and that’s always a good thing.

All aboard the Rikku train. Wait, why the hell do I type shit like that? Anyway, Rikku’s Einsteinian contribution is, “She’s not stopping, is she?” Face, meet palm. Tightass replies in the same vein, “Yuna…she’s made her decision.” It’s like a black hole of dumbassitude. They go back and forth about their desire for Yuna to not die, in case we’ve all been sleeping for the last several hours of the game. Tightass, after not much thinking, comes up with the brilliant idea to prevent Yuna from dying even after she performs the Final Summoning. When Rikku presses him for details he obviously doesn’t have, he gets all defensive and tries to make her look like the asshole. Rikku unfortunately stands for this, and the two of them decide to come up with a plan together. “And if we can’t think of something, we find another way!” Tightass tards. Fucking brilliant. In response to this conversation, Rikku puts her hands on the back of her head and twists her upper body back and forth to appease the fanboys. She continues this for the entire duration of their stay.

Please don’t.

Now we get to find out just what the hell is up with that Zuke guy. According to Lulu, he was a summoner until half a year ago, and she and Wakka were his guardians. Despite Wakka not giving a single indication that he knew the guy. Zuke wussed out on the pilgrimage at — you guessed it — the Calm Lands, and has since become a monk at Bevelle. That doesn’t explain why he arrived and left from the wrong direction. Whoops, game designers. Lulu also offers some information that Tightass didn’t ask for, of course — she was a guardian to someone before she met Zuke. She doesn’t say much except that it also ended at the Calm Lands. I smell more Tragic Character-Developing Backstory™.

Luckily for me, Lulu also exposits about Zanarkand lying beyond Mt. Gagazet. I can only hope that means I won’t have to deal with Tightass for much longer. Huzzah!

Wakka reminds Tightass about his crappy previous stint as a guardian, and how he was too wrapped up in blitzball to keep his mind on more important things. Therefore, he was glad when Zuke quit his pilgrimage. Gosh, I sure wish Wakka could be my guardian.

Kimahri takes the time to inform Tightass that Mt. Gagazet is the Ronso homeland. Tightass makes a braindead comment about meeting Kimahri’s family, but of course Kimahri has no family. Kimahri also remarks that Mt. Gagazet has not changed for the last thousand years, since 1000 is the second magic number in this game. This becomes moderately important later, which is why I bothered to mention this completely uninteresting detail.

Next, Tightass runs over to where Yuna and Lulu are gazing into each other’s eyes and monopolizes Yuna’s attention. She expresses concern over being branded a traitor, and Tightass, King of Retarded Advice, tells her to “just yell” whenever she gets too upset. “I might just do that,” Yuna responds cutely. Then she wonders if her dad got lost in the Calm Lands. Tightass uses this opportunity to take a shot at his “old man,” of course, instead of suggesting something helpful, like asking the guy who was actually along on the pilgrimage. Poor Yuna has to think really hard and come up with this idea herself. “Auron? That grouch never tells me anything,” Tightass whines, since he hasn’t figured out that Auron is avoiding him because he’s an annoying piece of shit. Yuna giggles brain-damagedly, and does an imitation of Auron telling Tightass to mind his own business. “Not that he keeps out of other people’s business, you know what I mean?” Tightass wanks. Auron, who is standing a few feet away during this entire conversation, whips around, lopping off both their heads with his gigantic sword. The game is now over.

Except that the game designers all have their heads up their asses, so these two dimwits are allowed to have their little bitch session about one of the only intelligent and mature members of the party. Sometimes I hate my life.

Some random Al Bhed guy gives Tightass a message from Cid: he’s gone off to repair the airship, and will come rescue them at some convenient time so that they won’t have to backtrack. Random Al Bhed Dude also informs Tightass that all the other summoners were dropped off right at the current location, which means that we might run into any of our “old friends” whose plots haven’t been resolved yet. Well, besides Gay Ponytail Man, who had his little mishap earlier.

Looking at the strategy guide and backtracking a short distance, Tightass and the others once again encounter Princess Leia. She cracks wise about Yuna’s traitorhood and simply brushes off Tightass when he gets all offended. After commenting about the general toolishness of the Yevon maesters and assuring Yuna that defeating Sin is more important than listening to a bunch of religious bullshit, she of course challenges Yuna to an aeon duel. Hooray.

Yuna’s Ifrit makes Leia’s Shiva his bitch…and that’s the end of the battle. I feel gypped. That doesn’t stop Leia from smooching Yuna’s ass and giving her gifts. Now I can change the attributes of Yuna’s aeons, should I choose to waste my spheres in such a way. Leia also invites Yuna to the hidden Remiem Temple, her secret love nest. I file this information away in my subquest folder for that crucial time before the final dungeon.

But that’s not all the fun there is to be had in the exciting Calm Lands! There are the ever-exciting random battles, during one of which Lulu quietly says, “I will not fail this time.” Ow! That stupid Backstory Anvil just dropped right out of the sky and landed on my head. Jerks.

Also, tucked in a little alcove on the far end of the Calm Lands is a flamboyantly decorated monster arena, constructed by Lord Mi’ihen for his Crusaders. The old guy who’s currently in charge fucked up and let all the monsters loose, and you know what that means — yup, it’s Pokemon time! Instead of rushing forward to battle Sin, Tightass and the others can use special weapons to go around capturing fiends to battle in the arena. Since the Monster Arena Dude is also a pervy monster breeder who enjoys coming up with new “creations,” the crew gets to fight assrapingly difficult battles for spiffy rewards. But first, the tedious part.

Gotta Catch ‘Em All!

Although capture weapons are available for all the characters, I only bother to get Auron’s and Wakka’s (the Beastmaster and the Catcher, respectively). I’m not sure how this particular sword and ball differ from the other swords and balls, but they somehow magically catch fiends and, I’m assuming, magically transport them back to the Monster Arena so that the group doesn’t have to lug giant bags o’ fiends around Spira. I refuse to buy Tightass’s stupid Taming Sword, because then I’d have to use him in battle. But you knew that already.

I spend the next umpteen minutes catching the nine different fiends around the Calm Lands as per Monster Arena Dude’s request. You can imagine how tedious and irritating this is, considering how common and uncommon certain fiends are. Also, one of them is a Malboro. Luckily for you, I turned the VCR off during this little subquest, so I have nothing more to say on the subject.

Oh wait. There is one more thing. As a reward, MAD gives me….an unopenable chest. Wow, what a great gift! Fucking putz. MAD is not on my good side.