But I forgot, everyone is pretending to be super straight in this recap. Speaking of which, even Paine starts acting weird about Nooj being there. “All these secrets. It’s just one thing after another,” she complains, like he told her he had to work late that evening again. Then Laurel has to ruin the thing I said before about the convenience of this sphere by asking the girls not to mention its existence to Lesbianc. His reasoning is that Greyskull is dangerous and way beyond their skills to deal with (this is true), but if Lesbianc knew the object of her obsession was trying to hunt down this machina of mass destruction, she would end up chasing after him and getting herself horribly killed. Laurel admits to Rikku that he and Hardy are both desperately in love with Lesbianc and couldn’t stand to lose her because they are so heterosexual over her. “If only she noticed,” Laurel sighs, hanging his head. Just…wow. I feel like I need a chart to keep track of all the relationships and “relationships” between these people. Is that three levels of bearding now? What is real?

As a reward for making it through all of that, I receive both Laurel’s Sphere and Hardy’s Sphere, which will forever take up space in Shinra’s inventory, never to be viewed again. I know we complained about hardly finding any spheres in the earlier recaps, but now this is too many fucking spheres. I can’t handle any more spheres at this point. Good news, everyone! The rest of this recap is all spheres.

The next sphere is sitting super fucking conveniently on the bedside table. Most people would probably know better than to ask about an unlabeled DVD on someone’s nightstand, but since we’re still dealing with the same girl who followed two guys into their sex dungeon, obviously Yuna wants to know what’s on the sphere. “Ooh, been taking naughty pictures again?” Rikku squeals, like this is all some silly joke. Knowing what’s on the sphere, I would much rather watch more boring footage of Paine’s side butt or even a Laurel/Hardy sex tape. “I didn’t shoot this one. I found it,” Laurel informs them as a black screen segues to the sphere without my consent. Before I subject myself to recapping this, I just want to take a moment to call out that someone in the Lesbianc Syndicate actually found a sphere and is very casual about that fact. Maybe they aren’t as shitty as the game is making them out to be, and are way better at this than the Gullwings. On the other hand, if the Gullwings can just watch everyone else’s spheres anyway, maybe they are the smart ones for not putting more effort into the hunting part.

I am stalling again, because even though this sphere could literally be anything from any point in Spira’s history, of course it’s another fucking Doppelwanker sphere. I’m sure glad I got back into recapping this game! “The image is badly deteriorated. Must be old,” Laurel mansplains, although the quality appears no different than the “naughty picture” filmed under Bevelle. “Bah! The only reason the war’s dragging on is because Zanarkand refuses to surrender,” an offscreen guy, possibly Sphere Recorder Bob’s ancestor, exposits over a dark grainy background. The camera pans drunkenly upward to show the bars of a jail cell, just in time for Doppelwank himself to pop up in the frame like a nightmarish jack-in-the-box. As in the original video he’s imprisoned in an appendage of the Masturbating Machina Squid. “If you’d stop attacking, there wouldn’t be a war!” Doppelwank yells at his nameless captor, not really sounding like Tightass here for some reason. “We’re not falling for that,” Sphere Recorder Bob’s ancestor says in what I think is a thick New Jersey accent. This exchange of historical Cold Truth of War(tm) dialogue is very riveting and meaningful! “Someday…your precious weapons will end up destroying you,” Doppelwank threatens before turning away from the camera and sitting down. Yes, his outfit is very Tightassy, but he didn’t whine or grunt like he was taking a shit in his last line of dialogue, so it would still be stupid for anyone to think this man is really Tightass, Yuna.

Cloud?

I will admit that I have no idea what war they’re referring to, and it was probably in FFX, so I should know. Luckily I don’t have to remember, because at that exact moment, Exposition!Man helpfully pipes up, “He’s probably referring to the Machina War of a thousand years past.” The scene switches back to the sex dungeon, where Exposition!Man is now sitting in one of the padded chairs. I hope he wiped it down first. Laurel is all, “How the fuck did you get here?” Exposition!Man: he appears like a (spoiler) ghost, to provide exposition when it’s needed the most! E!M brushes off this valid question, and continues, “I must admit, the likeness is positively uncanny.” Okay, I’ll give him a pass here because he’s like a bazillion years old and his eyes probably don’t work, but I wish people would stop validating Yuna’s stupidity here. “It can’t really be him…can it?” Yuna asks, trying way too hard to act casual. I’m sure she wants E!M to go, “That’s totally him and he’s alive — great sleuthing, Lady Yuna!” But instead, he just chuckles, “I’m afraid not. After all, that sphere was recorded a thousand years ago.” Sweeeeeeeeeeeet! He’s just some random guy who’s dead now, just like Tightass, so let’s all move the fuck on from this! I know I’m the one who’s acting naive now, because we saw this guy with Greyskull in the AWESOM-O sphere, so obviously he’s related to the overall “plot.” And we still need to find out who Lenne is, not that Yuna cares now that she knows her dead boyfriend isn’t alive and screwing some other hussy with terrible taste in men. Yuna tries to act like E!M didn’t just crush her wanky dreams, but she’s going to cry on Steve’s shoulder in El Celsioso’s bar later.

E!M suddenly stands up and goes, “Hmmmmm?” and then doesn’t say anything else, like he really hopes someone will ask him about it. I don’t want to give in to this passive-aggressive attention whoring, but the game forces me to force Yuna to talk to him anyway. I hate feeling like I am responsible for doing all these unpleasant things to myself. “Would you like to hear more?” E!M asks in his trademark fashion. For the record, my actual answer is a giant NOPE, but the Almighty One Hundred Percent requires that I choose “Please, go on.” I would like to warn all of you to stop reading now, if you value your happiness and innocence, because things are about to get so terrible. Please don’t make the same mistake I did. For those of you who hate yourselves, or who have already experienced the horrors to come, we’re all in this together now.

“Lady Yuna, a rumor has been going around of late. Perhaps you’ve heard it,” E!M begins in a benign enough fashion. Yuna has, indeed, talked to every single NPC in Spira multiple times over, so I’m sure she’s aware of any rumors going around about her and Rikku. The music turns sinister again, to warn us that the rumor is much worse than Yuna screwing around with her underage cousin. “They say that High Summoner Yuna was accompanied by a guardian from, of all places, Zanarkand!” Wait, that’s the rumor? Are people seriously talking about Tightass two years later, but never directly to Yuna because I’m pretty sure no one actually mentioned him during this game? And like I said, I’m really rusty on my FFX facts, but how many people did Tightass actually tell that he was from Zanarkand? I’m just trying to figure out if people know this because Tightass let it slip or because someone from Yuna’s party was gossiping again, Kimahri. “Oh, yes, that young man raised quite a few eyebrows at the blitzball tournament in Luca,” E!M continues, reminding us of the megaphone debacle. “I spoke to him myself on a number of occasions. I could sense that he belonged to an otherworld.” That’s a song reference from the previous game, everyone! Also, I love that E!M is acting like an internet mystic here. He can psychically sense things from other dimensions! He’s not just a lonely nerd trying to feel like a special wizard! But I’ll let that one go, because he has (spoiler!) actual reasons for his extrasensory abilities. I am also willing to entertain the possibility that anyone with half a brain could detect that something is off about Tightass..

E!M isn’t finished talking about Tightass, unfortunately: “That he should look so much like the man in that sphere cannot be mere coincidence, I should think.” Oh, you mean that dead stone people dreaming about Zanarkand might base people in the dream version on people in the real version? That’s about as far as I’m willing to go down this path, but E!M and Yuna seem to think there’s an even deeper (ugh) connection here. “I would very much like the chance to ask him, and clear this matter up once and for all,” E!M says obliviously. So this guy knows everything that has ever happened in the history of Spira, as well as current rumors, but he missed the fact that Tightass is dead? Wow. In my fantasy version of this game, Tightass’s permanent death would be front page news, but even without the entire population of Spira singing “Ding Dong, the Wanker’s Dead” (also in my fantasy version), it’s not that hard to figure out that the guy isn’t around anymore. Even if he was, I don’t know why E!M thinks he would be able to clear anything up. That’s a moot point, because he is dead. Yuna passes along this happy news to E!M: “Just like the fayth said. ‘Our dream will vanish.'” “A dream of the fayth? Is that right…” E!M ponders, then has a eureka moment. The camera pans around dramatically and Rikku demands he spit it out already. It’s too late — E!M succumbs to a senior moment and forgets the “very important” thing he briefly remembered. This entire discussion has been about Tightass, so I doubt there was anything of actual importance to say. E!M turns to leave, saying that he will pass the information along to Yuna as soon as the game determines it’s time for him to remember it. This is where the scene should end, if a merciful god existed in our universe. I almost can’t type this next part, but before he exits the room, E!M turns back to Yuna and says, “We are all connected. There may yet be a way to reunite with those who have gone.”

YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING WHORE MOUTH, GRAMPS.

Yuna jumps to her feet upon this terrifying proclamation, as Paine wildly shakes her head and pretty much says the same thing I just did. We’re supposed to believe she’s protecting Yuna from false hope, but I like to think she’s trying to protect all of us. I mean, even apart from the fact that it’s Tightass, when has resurrecting someone’s dead partner ever turned out well? “Forgive me,” E!M pleads, as if forgiveness is even an option at this point. “Consider it the ramblings of an old man.” Yeah, I’m sure it will be easy to pretend he never said it when I’m lying awake and crying tonight.

Hey, remember when I thought that Sphere Break and Laurel pretending to be straight were depressing? God, I was so young and dumb.

To add insult to injury, Yuna continues to creep around the compound and steals a Crimson Bullshit Sphere from the treasure room. Sphere hunting — pretty much the same as treasure hunting! This particular sphere maps to Crimson Record 4, which makes this the earliest of all the Crimson Record and Report spheres we’ve found so far. At least I think so — it’s not like I really know what’s going on with these or if they’re in any kind of chronological order. Yuna warps back to El Celsioso, unable to wait a minute longer to watch this riveting video on Shinra’s sphere viewing screen.

I don’t think the writers do either.

The footage begins with Maester Wen Kinoc addressing a group of young men. Based on the camera angles, it looks like there are at least two sphere recorders, and they, too, are disciples of the shaky cam religion. “This is the final exercise,” Kinoc announces to his audience of redshirts as the camera pans across at ass level. Good work, padawan sphere recorder. “We’ve reports of something extremely dangerous inside this cave, but we lack more detailed information,” Kinoc continues as the camera reaches some familiar asses — belonging to Baralai, Gippal, and Nooj — among the cannon fodder . This had to take place at least two years ago, given that Kinoc is not an unsent zombie, but of course the guys are still wearing their present-day outfits. I don’t know why I bothered to point that out — only Yuna and Rikku have ever changed their clothes in this world. According to Kinoc’s orders, this group of nameless NPCs and the Ambiguously Gay Trio are not to engage this “extremely dangerous” something or other — they just need to “investigate.” Anyone who does not die a horrible death will officially become a member of the Crimson Squad. Sounds like a fair tradeoff!

The non-asscam shows the group from the front, and the way these walking dead men are arranged in lines, it looks like Baralai, Gippal, and Nooj are standing very close, front to back. Nice. “There aren’t enough weapons for all of you. Claiming a weapon for yourself will be part of your exercise,” Kinoc continues. This just became the Spiran Hunger Games. I wonder if Nooj and Baralai are just faking their love affair to prevent an uprising by the Spiran public against the government. Okay, they kind of are the government, so my story already fell apart. Kinoc orders them to begin the operation, and the last thing we see before the Black Screen of Poisonous Berry Suicide Threats is Gippal’s leg as he faceplants on the ground. This is off to a great start.

Heeeeeeee

We cut immediately to a grainy close-up of the Ambiguously Gay Trio, breathing heavily while pyreflies float in the air. Hot. Suddenly, someone offscreen begins screaming, and the camera pans to the left. What follows is about ten minutes of random NPCs screaming and clutching their heads like they just watched the Pond Scene, while at least one other NPC wildly fires an automatic weapon. Despite the spastic movement of the camera, the mysterious person behind the lens is making no move to actually book it the fuck out of there. What a hero, risking their life to bring us this unsettling yet ultimately non-specific footage. Fade to black.

The main point of this sphere is that we now have proof that Baralai, Gippal, and Nooj actually know each other, so I can stop being coy about it, if constantly referring to them boning each other can be considered coy. Not that any of the girls see fit to comment on anything they just saw. I love how a video of a dude who might possibly be somewhat connected to Tidus in a way warrants an entire conversation, but a snuff film starring people the Gullwings actually know isn’t worth any sort of reaction. This gets even sillier when we learn more later.

This brings me to the final destination of this recap, something I never thought I’d type. There is one short scene on the Thunder Plains, which the game considers extremely essential for completion. It seems that Lian and Ayde’s quest to find Kimahri’s dildo horn has brought them to the Thunder Plains. It’s not a terrible guess, given the phallic towers littering the place. Maybe it’s like a magnet for things shaped like dicks — that would explain why Tightass ended up here in the last game. Right after claiming that they’ve for sure found the true location of the missing dildo, Lian asks Yuna where they should search next. No one can carry out a mission without Yuna’s wise advice! Instead of being honest about not having a clue, Yuna totally bullshits — she calls it “a hunch” — and tells them Kilika may hold a clue to the resting place of Kimahri’s broken phallus. Lian takes her at her word, which makes me feel kind of bad for him, and he and Ayde head off to the shitty maze of walkways where Sin killed a baby in Final Fantasy X. The girls watch them go, not even attempting to return them to Mt. Gagazet. Kimahri would be so disappointed in Yuna. Ha! Just kidding again!

There’s one last tiny nothing of a scene before I sign off. Cid is still hanging around here, continuing to sulk. I hope he has warped back to his airship at some point for a shower. Also, the guy needs to learn how to use Spherebook — this is the perfect opportunity for vaguebooking! He can post that someone shamed his choice of career and then watch as his friends badmouth Yuna without knowing who they’re even talking about. But even Cid cannot resist the urge to prostrate himself at Queen Yuna’s ugly-booted feet. Without even turning toward her, Cid awkwardly apologizes to Yuna and asks for her forgiveness. Sigh. She doesn’t respond, and I hope she’s not still upset about it. There are way better hills to die on than the Hill of Wank.

And that anti-climactic exchange brings us to the end of this disturbing entry in Yuna’s adventures. At least Tightass is still dead! Join Sam next time as she does even more boring shit that doesn’t matter. See you in Part 12 for maybe some plot!