Yuna and the girls spend a little more time than necessary exploring the various blocked and unblocked paths leading to the temple because frankly, there’s nothing like ten battles in a row with those goddamned Stalwart fuckers to really make a girl appreciate the glory of the AWESOM-O sphere. Eventually they make their way up a tiny, unguarded path leading to a fork on the main path, and from there northwards to a spot where Yuna can overhear some Yevon guards ragging on a rookie guard for forgetting the super secret passwords. Isn’t this just the most fortuitous thing? Now we can hear the super secret passwords too!
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.
Elder Guard bitches for a moment about Rookie Guard’s sieve-like memory, then he goes on to say that if the number of the guards at a checkpoint is an odd number, the password is “Carved Monkey.” If even, the password becomes “Craven Monkey.” Simple, right? Sure it is! Now get out there and defend the forest from a bunch of pissed off locals with pitchforks, Rookie!
Loading ...With this handy infiltrating information stored away, Yuna and the girls make the rest of the trip up to the temple save point with minimal fuss and bother. North from the save point is the first guard checkpoint with four guards standing by. Yuna gives the correct password and our intrepid sphere hunters motor on past. Easy peasey! At the next checkpoint stand three guards, one of which is partially obscured by one of those huge flaming urn things Kilika Temple’s got on the stair landings. This is our first clue that the game designers were just lulling me into a false sense of security with the simplicity of the first checkpoint. Yet, even facing the challenge of waiting for the camera to swing around and the difficulty in counting to three, Yuna still gives the checkpoint guards the correct super secret password. In exchange for this bit of mental mastery, we get a Hi-Potion. Hooray!
The last two checkpoints aren’t so simple. Once challenged to give the password, the camera angles switch and swerve constantly, trying to throw me off balance so I’ll count wrong. But I am a proud graduate of the Mulletland secondary educational system, so I know I can just look down at my feet if the counting gets tough, yessireebob! This time the correct password gets the girls a badly-needed Ether, so all my accountancy studies weren’t in vain. What a relief. At the final checkpoint three guards stand ready to do battle with our intrepid sphere hunters if they get the password wrong. Yuna, aka Brainiac’s Daughter, flies through the correct password-giving with fluid ease. But oh noes! What’s this? The guards are suspicious? They’re going to ask for the password again, this time with backup troops? How on Spira is a girl supposed to count that fast? Well, it’s no problem for our little Yuna. Three plus two is still an odd number, so the old password still works! It hardly took any extra brainpower at all! This fine display of intellectual prowess nets a Turbo-Ether and the Menace of the Deep garment grid. Because you knew we just weren’t going to get through a frickin’ half-hour of game play without another garment grid to our name. That’s just crazy talk.
At the next stair landing, a crowd of Youth Leaguers have gathered around a New Yevon priest, demanding that he hand over the incredible AWESOM-O sphere, like, now. It should come as no surprise at all to any of you that Thonga McCuntypanties is the one making most of the demands. Mr. Priest denies any knowledge of such a sphere, at least until some more Youth Leaguers come running down the stairs, with one proclaiming “I’ve found the [AWESOM-O] sphere!” Thonga smirks, satisfied, at least until the “boom, boom” noise on the sound track and the shaky camera sinks into her bitchy little brain that something is definitely amiss in the capture of the AWESOM-O sphere. For one it was just a tad bit too easy, and for another, what the fuck is that thing coming down the stairs?!
KILL ALL HUMANS!
Thonga and her posse clear out when the huge machina comes thudding down the stairs, clearly bent on electronic mayhem and crushed village folk. Mr. Priest stands by to smirk, even going so far as to add a “Nice knowing you!” before he too buggers off for the safety to be found far away from his little remote-control continent leveler. Yuna and the girls, however, turn to face their clockwork foe without blinking. That, and there’s no way they can get back down the stairs at this point. It’s those little details that mean so much.
The name of our foe is the YSLS-Zero, and like most machina, a little bit of thunder magic goes a long way in taking away a lot of hit points. Yuna is still rocking out in her Warrior costume, and the extra hit points come in handy since this thing’s “Blast Punch” hurts — a lot. Still, Paine’s dress sphere allows her to use Blind, and with those two things combined our jumped-up vacuum cleaner doesn’t stand a chance.
At the end of the battle, the girls take a little time to congratulate themselves and indulge in a bit of fanboy-service posing before they’re called on it by Thonga. Yuna admits that she’s given up the life of mindlessly helping people for one of wanton sphere hunting. Thonga isn’t impressed. What’s that got to do with anything? Well, for one thing, Thonga, you can kiss that AWESOM-O sphere goodbye. The El Celsioso makes a fortuitous entrance on the scene, and the girls head off. Paine snags the wonderfully amazingly stupendously glorious AWESOM-O sphere from the poor sod who actually managed to find the damned thing, thus completing Chapter 1!
Strike a pose.
Back on board the El Celsioso, Brother and Buddy race to the elevator to welcome the girls back from their sphere hunting expedition. Rikku crows delightedly about the heist, while Yuna wonders if they didn’t, you know, overdo it a bit. Brother proclaims that there’s no such thing as overdoing it, in his usual low-key, composed manner. Oh, who’m I kidding, the boy jumps around sounding like a monkey on crack. Brother wants to have fun! Brother wants the Gullwings to be notorious all over Spira! Well, Brother dear, you have the only High Summoner who managed to make it back from her Pilgrimage in one piece and who gets the credit for kicking Sin’s ass for once and for all. I think the notoriety thing is pretty much a given at this point. Buddy and Paine try to inject a little reason into the discussion, only to be rewarded by some tandem Rikku and Brother whining about how, like, not fun everyone’s being all of a sudden. This is looked on by Shinra and the others as a bad thing, since Rikku and Brother hardly ever agree, and when they do, things go all pear-shaped. You guys have got to stop reading ahead in the game script, seriously. Throw me a frickin’ bone here!
Yuna heads to the bridge, where we’ll finally see just what the hell is on the AWESOM-O sphere, thus ending all the speculation. Oh, I wonder if it will be worth all the trouble the girls just went through to get it. I wonder if it will be something that isn’t going to make your recapper wish she could find the Magic Video Game Portal™ just so she can beat the hell out Sphere Recorder Bob? Oh, let’s hope so!
Shinra does us no favors by proclaiming from the start that the AWESOM-O sphere is just a regular ol’ movie sphere, no added features at all. What, not even a deleted scenes section or a “making of” snippet? What kind of AWESOM-O sphere doesn’t even have a goddamned commentary section, people? Mastering her disappointment, Yuna still agrees to watch whatever footage the suddenly not-looking-so-damned-awesome AWESOM-O sphere contains. The footage on the sphere is grainy and gray. There’s a vaguely visible ominous something in the background with suitably vaguely ominous background music (heh), but it’s not nearly as frightening as the bright yellow horror that just strode up from lower stage right — Doppelwank. Oh, Sphere Recorder Bob, your ass is mine. Doppelwank trots silently towards the more-and-more ominous looking thing that looks like Castle Greyskull. Then Doppelwank addresses Greyskull saying, “You know, you’re all I can count on to save Lenne.” Just then, there’s a cracking sound, Doppelwank turns towards Sphere Recorder Bob, some lights go on behind Doppelwank, and before Yuna can even draw an indignant breath, the AWESOM-O sphere is spent, lying panting in Shinra’s viewer.
He-Man you aren’t, buddy.
And that was it. Let that sink in for a second. That was it. The entirety, the gestalt, the raison d’être two groups spent their time either running through or defending the goddamn Kilika Woods from one another only to have both sides lose to three teen-age hussies and an airship. Forty minutes of my life wasted, just so I could see Tightass’ wanky twin give a guilt trip to some cartoon castle! You know, Mr. Blanton, you’re all I can count on to save the last shreds of my sanity. Help me, Single Barrel Bourbon, you’re my only hope.
In the aftermath of the virgin viewing of the not-at-all-fucking-awesome AWESOM-O sphere, Brother waxes talkative. What a pity he also lapses into Al Bhed, and my Al Bhed primers are not as up to date as they might otherwise be, so I haven’t got a clue what he’s saying. Hopefully it translates to “That’s some big-ass machina. That sphere sucked.” Leave me to my delusions, folks. Shinra adds fuel to the fire by proclaiming that in his expert opinion that Greyskull is definitely a weapon. Cue much spastic arm flailing and doggie-paddle motions from Brother, as the Ritalin eats away at his cerebral cortex. Rikku also doesn’t help matters by goading Yuna into some Wankese by saying “Yunie, it’s….him.” The Wankese flows swiftly, as Brother spouts more Al Bhed, Is it you? Or does he just look like you? And…who’s this “Lenne”?
This sphere hunter thing’s not working out. We’re going to audition for Footloose!
Before Yuna can run to her own Livejournal and post on the wankery_boyfriends_suck community about this, Brother calls a staff meeting in his own inimitable style. He wants to give the biggest-goddamn-letdown-ever AWESOM-O sphere back. Dude, can’t say I blame you. That thing is just leaking wank into the air. Rikku immediately starts whining about all the hard work they went through to nab the amazingly disappointing AWESOM-O sphere, and she’s not about to give up now, even if it does suck the proverbial donkey balls. Buddy tries to pour oil on the water by suggesting the Gullwings donate the sphere, since that’s what being a sphere hunter was supposed to be all about, right? Paine scoffs, Rikku whines some more, and Brother has a meltdown. Yeah, I’ll bet you never saw that one coming.