Believe it or not, Yuna stays in Brother’s corner, stating in a trying-to-be-so-calm-it-hurts little voice that she’s seen the sphere now, and she’s fine with giving it back. Oh, my children, her LJ will burn hotly with the flames of agony and betrayal tonight! There may even be…icon making! Or even worse, song lyrics!
Loading ...Paine reminds Brother that if they give the sphere back now, their reputation as big, bad sphere hunters will be in shambles, and his reputation will go with them. He screams at her to shut up — the one Al Bhed phrase I do know well, but everyone can see that he’s shot his wad. Let me apologize to you now for the phrasing of that last sentence. I know it hurts, but if it makes you feel any better, it’s hurting me too. I hurt because I care, and I want you all to know that.
Somehow, and please don’t ask me how because I’ve watched the damned footage about ten times now and I still can’t figure it out, the conversation turns from giving back the I-can’t-believe-I-wasted-my-life-on-this-stupid AWESOM-O sphere to Yuna giving the kids a dance and a song. Brother, of course, is way too happy with this suggestion. Yuna heads off to the Cabin area to get ready for the big show. Before she leaves the Bridge, the sound of twanging, drumming, and assorted noises causes Yuna to ask Brother what all the racket’s about. He explains that he picked up some hitchhikers in Kilika. Fear, Yuna, for it is the sound of one stupid goddamned mini-game about to hit you square in your pretty little face.
I think it’s a bit too late for that.
Down in the Cabin area, Yuna finds out the hard way just who Brother has picked up from Kilika. Why, it’s Borra, Daraya and Pukara, our very own out-of-tune backup band! And they need to be up top right away to practice for Yuna’s dance later on. The only way to get our musical trio onto the lift is to push them on. From behind. Oh, for the love of Yevon. Steve the Barkeep comes out to encourage Yuna to “push, push, push” the musicians onto the lift. Steve, dude. She’s moving three lazy-ass weed-smoking musicians to their jam session, not giving birth. Enough with all the coaching, okay?
Once Yuna has pushed the last musician into the lift, the scene ends and we re-join the Gullwings out on the El Celsioso’s deck for some well-earned singing and dancing festivities. Unfortunately, Yuna’s vocal coach was the same coach Garnoa had, so while Yuna’s working those vocal chords all over the three or four notes she can hit, her lyrical ability needs a lot of help. “Lalala” might get you somewhere with Mr. Bluebird, honey, but it ain’t doing squat up here.
Take it off, baby! We didn’t come up here to listen to you sing all damned night!
When the song is over, and Yuna’s brave performance for the mental health of the Gullwings is at an end, everyone’s up dancing around as Yuna makes her slow, solitary way to the nose of the El Celsioso for some quality mope time. “Who’s Lenne?” she asks the night air, rocking back and forth. “Why…why am I so mad?” she asks before righteous indignation takes hold of her and she shouts “Who the heck is Lenne!” interrupting Rikku’s hot little number up on stage. Whoops, Yuna. You’ve got a little heart on your sleeve there, sweetie. Might want to wipe that off before someone notices.
Yuna announces she’s heading off to bed and flounces her way off the El Celsioso’s deck. Oh, puddun’, there’s other wankers in the sea. Take Baralai, for example. Why, with your fashion sense and some gentle prompting, I’m sure you could have him wearing his underwear inside his pants in no time! The “goodnight” music plays, surely covering Yuna’s fuming and pillow-pounding pouting.
And as if this wonderful display of our heroine’s undying love wasn’t enough for us, as Yuna tosses and turns in her uneasy slumber, we’re treated to The Dream. Yes, that dream. The one video clip related to this game that has gotten more play on the internet than that Paris Hilton “slut-o-vision” tape. However, humor me and pretend that we’ve never seen it before. It will make what comes next all the sweeter, I assure you. The dream begins with a fuzzed-out view of the Wankiest Overalls in the West, and what’s left of my heart sinks in my chest in a black despair unfathomable by sonar. He’s running, and as the camera pans out we see Summoner!Yuna running by his side. They’re being chased by a phalanx of warrior monks down a long hallway, ducking down side paths, dodging and weaving until they finally approach the giant, brooding ugliness that is Greyskull. Floodlights illuminate them and the pounding of the warrior monk’s footsteps draws ever closer on the soundtrack. Finally cornered, Tightass and Summoner!Yuna come to a stop, falling into one another’s arms as they contemplate their inevitable demise. The monks reach them, and line up in an “execution squad” formation. The camera graces each of the lovers with a facial close-up, and Yuna looks like she’s trying to say something. Shhh, honey, don’t talk. It’ll only spoil the moment. Shots ring out, striking the pair. They fall, tumbling in slow motion to their deaths on the cold, hard floor before Greyskull. Summoner!Yuna, seeing the mortal remains of her beloved turning quickly into so much cooling meat cannot help but let a tiny, crystalline tear escape her eye before she too gives in to the eternal. The monks, heartless bastards all, approach to ensure the deed is well and truly done. Greyskull lords over everyone in heartless forbidding silence.
And to all this, even your recapper’s stony heart cannot help but be moved by such a display of love and devotion. Yes, even I feel a stirring in this empty chest as I view the loss and pain Summoner!Yuna must have felt watching her dear, dear Tightass meet his mortal end in her arms. There are words for this occasion, words that have been passed down from mother to daughter, father to son, throughout the ages. I will repeat them for you now, so you will never forget:
YES! YEEEESSSSSS!! I BELIEVE IN FAIRIES, I BELIEVE IN FAIRIES, I BELIEVE IN FAIRIES!! WOOHOO!!!! THERE IS A GOD!
Game designers? I take it all back. You’re the best!
Yuna wakes up with a start, still dressed in her Songstress outfit from the night before. Rikku and Paine are in attendance, which makes me wonder if they just like watching Yuna sleep, or if Yuna’s a talker. Either way, it’s a bit disturbing, but I’m sure the fanboys are eating it up with a spoon. Yuna’s outfit changes from Songstress to Gunner again and we’re free to head back up to the bridge to continue the AWESOM-O sphere donation discussion from the day before. That makes perfect sense, except for the part where everyone wanted Yuna to sing and dance right in the middle of the negotiations. Who are the Gullwings going to grace with the disastrously hideous AWESOM-O sphere? Brother asks Yuna to decide between the Youth League or New Yevon, and she tries to weasel out of it by sweetly proclaiming that she’ll follow his orders. Brother, showing a startling amount of cunning then proclaims that he orders Yuna to decide! Hah!
So it’s down to this. Give the AWESOM-O sphere to the Youth League and New Yevon hates us. Give it up to New Yevon and the Youth League will beat us up after class and steal our lunch money. Well, if we hand the AWESOM-O sphere to New Yevon, we can formally kiss 100% completion goodbye forever, and I’m just too anal retentive much of a completist to let that happen. Youth League it is!
………
Since the decision screen is also the El Celsioso’s flight path screen, whichever group you choose nets you a quick trip to their respective headquarters. So the Gullwings head back to Mushroom Rock and another meeting with N00b. The team is greeted with an honor guard as N00b looks on from the balcony of his headquarters, king of all he surveys. He does manage to come down to the ground to graciously accept the AWESOM-O sphere and lead his gang in a three-cheer salute for the Gullwings, however, so that’s all good. Brother and Buddy bask in the attention as Yuna and the girls head inside for a little tête-à-tête with N00b on the contents of the AWESOM-O sphere. I hope you guys brought him a hanky so he can sop up his disappointment at its contents, ladies.
N00b asks the girls if they’ve watched the sphere, which for some reason causes Rikku to freak the hell out, nervously laughing all over the place. Yuna, on the other hand owns up quickly and says that yes, they have watched the sphere, and it was a huge fucking letdown that only led to angsty heartbreak and one whopper of a bad dream. N00b orders them to forget what they saw, and Yuna replies that she cannot. Paine steps up to defend her girl from…what? N00b doesn’t exactly seem to be terribly angry at Yuna’s defiance here, Paine. Relax, sweetness. N00b tells the girls that Greyskull’s proper name is Vegnagun, and it’s a big, bad world-ending weapon of unlimited power and destructive capability. Really, N00b? Who’da thunk it? N00b goes on to say that New Yevon are being big old stupidheads and messing around with powers beyond their control. It’s the Youth League’s purpose to stop them, he says, so the Gullwings should stay clear. Yuna accepts this, but asks N00b if he knows who the man in the sphere happens to be. N00b does not. Right after this tense little standoff, Buddy comes running in. They’re getting a distress call from the El Celsioso. The Gullwings take off (get it?) back to the El Celsioso, but it’s too late.
Steve the Barkeep meets the gang in the engine room, the bearer of bad news. The El Celsioso has been burgled, and the broken sphere from Zanarkand is missing! Buddy cradles a huge, bright pink sphere with a stylized heart design. It seems that Lesbianc has paid the Gullwings a little visit and left them her calling card. Indeed, there Lesbianc, Laurel and Hardy stand, bragging about how they’ve managed to make off with one half of a sphere. Nice going, guys. Would you like three-quarters of a give-a-shit, too?
Still, the Gullwings are upset that Lesbianc has managed to pull on over on them, and Yuna vows they’re going to get their precious half a sphere back! But what about Greyskull, Paine asks. Oh, great, Paine. You’ve set off Yuna’s Wankese again. You’ve really got to stop doing that. Yuna doesn’t want to get too involved, not like when she was a summoner and going around sticking her nose into everyone’s business and preparing herself to be a martyr and all. After some internal struggle, Yuna proclaims that she’s a sphere hunter, dammit! Brother comes down to swivel his hips, give a little pep talk, and eventually Yuna comes up with a plan to sneak into Chateau Lesbianc in disguise. So now the girls have to fly all over Spira, find Lesbianc’s femme-goons, beat the crap out of them and steal three uniforms so they can accomplish this little espionage mission. Speaking of missions, the first “Mission Time!” screen for Chapter 2 comes up, basically telling me the exact same thing that five frickin’ minutes of dialogue just did, in case, you know, if I forgot it in the intervening millisecond, and off we go to the bridge. However, pressing mission or not, this is the part where I leave you to the gentle ministrations of Sam, my loving co-recapper and friend. You see, she will have the unmitigated joy of taking the girls through Chateau Lesbianc and all the happy, happy fun times contained therein. I can only hope that she doesn’t try to kill me when she finds out. I’ll see you again in Part 9!