Thankfully, all of that is a long way off. For now, Yuna skips out on the rest of the concert put on by boring non-famous people, and heads toward the scene of the second crime from Chapter 2, Guadosodom. She makes sure to check in with every NPC loitering along the road (and pressure the more gullible ones in the name of the Almighty One Hundred Percent) and all anyone can talk about is how much Tobli’s concert sucks ass. Now I’m fine with Tobli getting publicly shamed and all, but man, it did not take long for Spirans to start bitching about first world problems. Two years ago, Sin was murdering babies left and right, but no, clearly this unsatisfying free concert is the worst thing ever to happen. And it’s not like the soft, sexy porno beats are breaking any noise ordinances — walk a few yards down the road if it bothers you that much. I hope Greyskull targets this place first for its murderous rampage.
CHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICKS
All right, I am mostly just bitching about first world problems myself because I’m trying to put off this visit to Guadosodom. After Sam’s valiant sacrifice in the last recap, where she took on both Lesbianc’s embarrassing behavior toward Nooj and the infamous lesbian massage scene, I really need to close my eyes and just take one for the team. Talking to Everyone in this overgrown creeper den reveals that Lesbianc has taken a sudden and unexpected hiatus from sphere hunting. If you’ll recall, when the girls last left Lesbianc in the sewers of Bevelle, she was ordering her incomptent minions to record footage that would serve as an aphrodisiac to Nooj. Whether or not they actually managed to film Baralai and Gippal making out remains to be seen (hopefully), but my point is that something must have happened since then to cause Lesbianc to quit her job. Or “job,” rather.
YRP are BFFs with the Lesbianc Syndicate now that they’ve probed Robot Goatse and jacked off the Masturbating Machina Squid together, so this time around they don’t have to undertake a “stealth” mission in order to enter the Lovenasium. They just walk in the front door, like adults. In the large room where Seymour proposed to Yuna, they find Laurel and Hardy huddled together, facing the wall. They’re not doing what you think — they seem to be rehearsing the line “[Lesbianc], there’s nothing to worry about.” They manage to sound even more unnatural and stilted than usual. At first I assumed they were preparing to give her some especially unpleasant news — “your boyfriend is GAAAAAAAAAAY, girl” — but it’s much, much worse than that.
TRUTH
The Gullwings barge in, all “What the fuck is happening here?” causing Laurel and Hardy to jump in guilty surprise, like they just got caught watching their Gippal/Baralai footage. “The boss has been rather…depressed since Nooj went missing,” Laurel begins. “We wants to comfort her, see?” Hardy finishes. That’s right, the entire reason behind Lesbianc’s massive flouncing is that her unrequited crush has been gone for, like, a day. Her two gay henchmen think the best course of action in this situation is to roleplay as the guy so she won’t kill herself. Of course their Nooj impressions are both awful, which might actually be better than the alternative.
The girls don’t seem particularly distressed by this, though they really, really should be, but Paine does wonder, “Even if you did sound like Nooj, do you think it would actually help?” For real — would any of the three people in this scenario really get anything out of this? A gay man (or two gay men!) pretending to be a different gay man for a woman that isn’t into either of them — that’s, like, at least two levels of bearding, right? I can’t even keep track of this. Despite Paine’s very good point, Laurel and Hardy are determined to go through with their incredibly sad endeavor. They’re going to shave the pubes off all the newly-unemployed goons and make a wig! They probably have phallic machina parts lying around somewhere! Rikku claps her hands maniacally, which I can only interpret as support, while Sphere Recorder Bob silently cries and fades out on the scene.
If Yuna were in her right mind, she would not go within ten feet of Lesbianc’s bedroom after what happened there last time. But this is Yuna, and she can’t just let someone be sad without intervening somehow, even if she’s putting herself in danger of another surprise massage scenario. “Surprise Massage Scenario” should be the subtitle of this game. Luckily, Yuna is fairly safe from any erotic backrubs at the moment, as Lesbianc is sitting hunched over and defeated on the end of her round orgy bed, and not in the mood to talk or do anything else. If she were a real world female stereotype, she’d be dressed in sweats and halfway into a tub of Ben and Jerry’s. In Spira, where women aren’t allowed to eat or wear comfortable clothes, she’s still in her usual outfit, tits and thighs hanging out for Sphere Recorder Bob to appreciate in detail. In a blatant attempt to appeal to Lesbianc’s competitive nature, Rikku threatens to go out and find all the spheres. Ugh, please don’t do that. This attempt is unsuccessful, as Lesbianc moans, “There’s no point in chasing after spheres if my Noojie-Woojie isn’t there to smile. What difference does it make?” When I’m finished dry heaving, Paine scoffs, “You’re a mess.” That might be the biggest understatement in the history of Spira.
We already learned in the last recap that Lesbianc only became a sphere hunter in the first place because she wanted to impress “her” man. Everything about that is distressing. And not that sphere hunting is the equivalent of going to law school to pursue your standoffish crush, but she still put some effort into making this an actual operation. Well, more so than the Wankerguardians, anyway. If Lesbianc spent that much time and energy arranging her life around a man who has never shown the slightest interest in her, it’s safe to assume that she also changed her looks and personality into what she thought would most appeal to Nooj. The most likely scenario is that she asked him once what his type was and he said “Blond, cocky, dresses in a fuchsia and periwinkle clown outfit” and she ran with that. Good thing Nooj didn’t mention the eye patch, although I think Lesbianc could probably pull off that look.
Nothing short of Nooj’s coarse ponytail hairs on her pillow will snap Lesbianc out of her funk, so YRP head back downstairs to stare at the table of fruit in the proposal room. After a moment, Laurel and Hardy approach the girls with their latest idea for “helping” their boss with her “romantic” troubles. “What if we showed her a sphere of Nooj?” Hardy wonders, for some reason needing Yuna’s approval for this. I would say it depends on what he’s doing on the sphere. If it involves Nooj wandering into the middle of the aforementioned Gippal/Baralai makeout sphere, I can’t imagine Lesbianc would be thrilled with that, nor would people with taste. Paine is like “OH MY GOD WHO FUCKING CARES.” Agreed. This is, sadly, the most plot-related sequence of the recap, and none of this should have even made it into the game. I would rather play Blitzball, you guys.
After Hardy makes this depressing suggestion, Laurel suddenly realizes they do happen to have a sphere of Nooj. Even these guys don’t talk to each other, apparently — it’s not just a Gullwings problem. “We took one in Bevelle. Care to watch it?” Laurel politely offers. I don’t know what to do in this strange world where I don’t have to complete five irritating missions to watch a single sphere. Yuna, showing some self-preservation instincts for once, asks about the contents, but neither of these dipsticks have even watched the sphere yet. But…they were there when they recorded it, right? Wouldn’t they have a basic idea about its contents? Can anything in this scene not be dumb? I’d like to get through this without having to pick apart every line of dialogue.
“Meet us in our room. We’ll have a little screening!” Laurel gushes. MOOOOOOOOOOOVIE NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!! A couple of things here: first, “our room”? Did Laurel and Hardy move into the same chamber since Sam was last here? Of course they did. Good for them. Second, Laurel says this line in a super creepy way, but the girls don’t seem the slightest bit concerned. I mean, we know Yuna is dumb enough to marry the last creepy guy who propositioned her in this room, but I would expect at least Paine to say something. I’m going to assume that this is a Phoenix Wright situation, and none of the girls feel threatened because of the obvious gayness of the dudes involved.
The downstairs hallway around Laurel and Hardy’s room still has a fiend problem. Those guys are so shitty in battle, they probably almost die every time they have to go upstairs to polish Lesbianc’s Nooj statue. The room itself is one of the rooms the girls visited last time, but I don’t know which one and I’m not going to check, because the important thing is that every surface is covered with red velvet cushioning. Even the inside of the chair arms have plush padding. On the wall is a Spiran style flat screen TV with a long, cushioned bench underneath it. There are several beanbags piled on the bench, and the camera pans over to a quilted double bed. Jesus Christ. Laurel and Hardy arrive a moment later, so now the festivities can begin.
What happens from this point on is a continuation of the improbable and confusing theme of obviously gay dudes perving on teenage girls (two of whom are technically adults, but still). As if inviting said girls to this velvety fuck chambre to watch home movies wasn’t enough of an example, there’s the movie itself. As with all other spheres, the video quality is terrible, like a worn out VHS tape being played on a VCR with bad tracking. For those of you who aren’t old like I am, just look back at some of the early VGR screen captures to see what that kind of shit looked like. It’s kind of funny that these guys sprung for a sexy flat screen when none of the existing media actually looks good on it. Anyway, I am just stalling again because I don’t want to recap the contents of this video.
Ugh. Okay, so this footage was recorded during the events of the last recap, when everyone was taking in the majestic splendor of the Masturbating Machina Squid. Yuna, Rikku, and Paine are in the foreground, facing away from the cameraman, which automatically means that the scene devolves into ass shots. This is when things get weird. First, the camera does a halfhearted pan down Yuna’s back, followed by a literal half-assed quick view of Paine. Now, Sam and I have suffered through the entire game up to this point, pretty much all of which was recorded by the enthusiastic master of ass appreciation himself, Sphere Recorder Bob. Against our will, we have become connoisseurs of YRP butt shots. Using this unique insight into the craft, I can safely say that whoever shot this footage was in no way intrigued by the female form. This was done from a feeling of obligation, not from the artistic pleasure Sphere Recorder Bob takes in his creations. When the girls notice this unenthusiastic yet still violating content, they seem a bit taken aback (no pun intended) but not particularly alarmed. Laurel tries to pin the blame on Hardy for whatever this is, but right on cue, Hardy walks past on screen. “This must be a dud,” Laurel squeals, quickly stopping the video, secretly delighted that someone is possibly mistaking him for being straight. “Who you calling a dud!” Rikku demands, as if the worst thing that happened in this scene was Laurel possibly insulting her girlfriends’ buttcheeks. There wasn’t even a point to any of that footage either — it was purely a strange, off-putting attempt at comic relief. I need an adult.
Better watermark this masterpiece so no one tries to steal it!
Now that Laurel Butz here is finished with his awkward charade for the moment, he skips ahead to what I think is the chamber that used to house Greyskull. The soundtrack turns ominous and the camera spins wildly around as if trying to give the audience motion sickness. It’s still better than the stuff I just watched. Finally, the camera stabilizes and focuses on a spot along the far wall. “There’s someone there!” Yuna gasps, like it’s even possible to see any level of detail in this video. But Yuna has every other amazing skill in the universe, so why not keen eyesight? Of course it’s not keen enough to tell the clear difference between Tightass and Doppelwank, but…look over there! “I’ll zoom in,” Laurel bullshits, like this is CSI and he can just ENHANCE! this insanely shitty footage. And then of course he does just that, because this scene wasn’t giving me enough of a headache already. This ENHANCEMENT! allows them to see Nooj exiting through an opening in the far wall. I’ll point out that only the person’s outfit is really visible, so if this were Anal Attorney, it would be some other dude in a Nooj outfit. But in this universe, people can’t trade outfits — a rule even enforced by shared dresspheres — so this is, indeed, Nooj.
Let me summarize this sequence of events. Laurel and Hardy decide to show Lesbianc a sphere of Nooj, which reminds them of the sphere they recorded under Bevelle, but it turns out they don’t know what is on that sphere, then they watch it anyway, and surprise, Nooj is on it! How convenient that all was. Before Laurel and Hardy can deliver this sphere to Lesbianc to use as the world’s most pitiful wank material, Rikku wonders what the fuck Nooj was even doing under Bevelle at that moment. Is it really that weird when pretty much the entire main cast was also under Bevelle? Maybe he didn’t want to be left out of the Robot Goatse party. I’m also disappointed that no one provides the obvious answer to this question: PROBABLY FUCKING BARALAI.