This is confusing, though — are dresspheres actually usable by anyone else in Spira? We learned a long time ago that Shinra invented Garment Grids — even though those seem to be found in lots of random places — and as far as I know, dresspheres can’t be used without Garment Grids. I mean, why else would Lesbianc steal that one at the beginning of the game? Although I realize it’s foolish to use that sequence as the basis of any logical reasoning. The bottom line is that a dressphere doesn’t seem to be a particularly valuable tournament prize for the general public, and since dresspheres are technically video spheres anyway (except when they aren’t) then why not advertise it as just a sphere?

Okay, I think I’ve covered just how dumb and thoughtless this prize is for anyone except Yuna, Rikku, or Paine, so it’s time to go win it. Rikku claims that she’s been practicing Sphere Break, which has all happened offscreen so as not to pull focus from Yuna. I like that one of the other girls gets to do something here. Even if it’s just playing a silly minigame, at least Rikku is contributing. Ha! Just kidding, of course it’s still going to be Yuna that ultimately wins. Why can’t Rikku have this one fucking thing?

After the girls head toward the center of the action, we get a thirty-second cutscene consisting entirely of random Spirans milling about, peppered here and there with ass and crotch shots. The game designers have, naturally, reused a bunch of existing character models for this part instead of creating a more true-to-life convention of neckbeards, but I will allow this.

Really?

To further underscore how unimportant the tournament is, Shelinda appears to be the main reporter on the scene. “But first a word from our sponsor, Lord Rin,” she says from underneath a stone bridge. This kicks off another overly long shot of the cheering crowd. Against the backdrop of some peppy music that does not reflect my current mood, Sphere Recorder Bob pans up to the stone bridge where we can see Rin getting fondled by identical redheaded lady triplets. Now, I’m not saying they are hookers, but there’s no way they are doing this for free. Sphere Break can’t be that much of a panty-dropper, even if we’ve already established how undiscriminating the population of Spira is. One of the triplets kisses Rin on the cheek in a repetitive, mechanical fashion, further proving this isn’t real. Maybe they are robots.

“I am looking forward to a fair competition. May the best man win!” Rin cries between kisses from his animated RealDoll. Also, sexist alert! Rin says something else in Al Bhed that is probably offensive to women, and then a screen comes up explaining the rules for the tournament. In short, Yuna has to beat three opponents of her choice to advance to the finals. The instructions also mention using the “prescribed coins” which means that Yuna receives a bunch of coins to use and is not screwed over by her inability to dig them out of the desert before Chapter 5. It would have been such a tragedy if she couldn’t compete.

At this point, I have the option to go through the entire Sphere Break tutorial again. I can’t remember what I had for dinner two days ago, so it’s safe to say that after a decade, I’ve forgotten everything there is to know about Sphere Break except that it’s stupid. Subjecting myself to this tutorial again is a perfect lesson in the evils of procrastination.

Now, if you’ve never played this game before, you might be wondering why I keep saying that Sphere Break is stupid and annoying. I was hoping I could explain my reasoning without forcing you to read through an even longer-winded version of the Sphere Break tutorial complete with me bitching. Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s any way around explaining the game mechanics. I’m sorry to do this to you, but we’re all in this together now. I’ll try to be gentle yet quick.

A single game of Sphere Break consists of a set number of rounds, each with a time limit. If the quota, a score needed to beat the game, isn’t reached in the number of allotted rounds, Yuna loses. A core sphere, provided by the opponent, sits in the center of the Sphere Break board. Each round, the core sphere displays a single-digit integer. The goal is to choose coins around the sphere (twelve total coins, each also displaying an integer from one to nine) that add up to a multiple of the core sphere. This is simple enough, even with all the other rules thrown in to add some difficulty. The game even helps me out by displaying the actual multiples of the core number along with the sum of my currently selected coins. Sadly, my brain shuts off under the pressure of a time limit, even a generous one minute time limit per round, and I might as well be navigating the chocobo racing course instead of doing basic addition.

But this isn’t about me being stupid — we’ll have plenty of time to focus on that later. Here is why the game is stupid — it’s supposed to be a two player game, but as far as I can tell, Yuna’s opponent just sits there with a sphere and some random auto-incrementing coins and hopes that Yuna falls apart under the pressure. I know we make fun of her a lot, but she’s not Tightass. The only thing that adds any challenge for Yuna (me) is the time limit and the quota, and I don’t think these are determined by the opponent either because they are easily beatable and not, say, 5 seconds per round to beat a 100 point quota. Well, I can’t rule out the possibility that there are a bunch of idiots sitting around Luca letting Yuna win all these games, but my point is that the basic premise of Sphere Break is dumb because the second player doesn’t really do anything.

Also, in this scenario that is entirely designed to let Yuna win, it seems like she is the only one going around challenging anyone. No one comes along to challenge her for example so she can sit on her uncovered ass for a game or two. I guess we’re supposed to think Rikku is also actively challenging players, but Sphere Recorder Bob hasn’t checked in on her for a while. She could be dead for all we know.

Let’s return to the topic of how much I suck. This is not something I like to admit, but the first time I played FFX-2, the Sphere Break tournament was by far the thing I struggled with the most. (Disclaimer for FFX-2 nerds: I didn’t do the Via Infinito.) Because of that, I was really hoping I would not end up being the sucker who had to recap this. Well, here we are. The three qualifying Sphere Break “battles” are easy enough, thanks to one or more strategy guides pointing out the dumbest assholes in the tournament. So I’m going to skip ahead a bit for all of our sakes, because I’d like to finish this recap before I die.

This is a guy.

After the third battle, Yuna is forced into a cutscene at the base of the steps where Shelinda, Rin, and a Tobli lookalike have been standing like creepy statues for the entire time. Rikku sits collapsed on her butt in a dejected fashion with her knees and feet uncomfortably splayed. “Oohhh… I was so close!” she whines, as the camera zooms in on her face and boobs. Just…really, guys? Did Jared Fogle write this? The “so close” (ugh) in this instance, however, refers to a Sphere Break battle that she lost against the current champion. The camera pans over to said champion with a clumsy comic sound effect, and it’s…Shinra! Oh my gosh, the Gullwings’ very own Shinra is the mysterious Sphere Break master that we have not been the least bit curious about or interested in all this time! “It’s elementary, really, once you get the hang of it,” Shinra tries to brag, except that Sphere Break literally is elementary school math.

Yuna and Shinra trash talk each other a bit over this coin game while people are dying all over Spira, and then it’s time for the final battle! This is where I embarrassed myself multiple times in my first playthrough, because the win quota has been mysteriously raised and each round is 45 seconds — 15 seconds shorter than previous rounds. Confident that I would continue to suck five gallons of balls at simple addition even after a decade, I prepared some offensive “girls suck at math” commentary before I recorded the footage. So of course I manage to smoke Shinra in a single try, rendering all of that planning pointless. Sorry, you guys, you don’t get to read my misogynistic trolling now. Feminism wins this round!

Why did they design this kid with his bodysuit stuck in his crack?

Afterward, Yuna is an ungracious winner. “I won!” she boasts, as if she had anything to do with that amazing performance in beating a kid at a minigame. I know Shinra is supposed to be a boy genius, but this still feels like an adult winning against a child in a Harry Potter trivia tournament. Random NPCs pump their fists in the background, so stoked to see Queen Mary Suena reigning victorious yet again. I wonder if these same people sign onto a secret Sphereddit somewhere to bitch about Yuna attention whoring her way across Spira, because there’s no way something like that doesn’t exist. Beclem and Thonga are the admins.

Shinra makes a dumb excuse for losing this dumb game, and then we cut to the awards ceremony. Yuna joins Shelinda and Rin on the stairs, as Shelinda squeals into her dildo microphone that “High Summoner Yuna” is the winner of this thrilling tournament where people mostly sat around. Everyone cheers! Rikku wags her butt! Confetti rains down! Rin presents the dressphere to Yuna, congratulating her in mangled (at least on my screen) Al Bhed. I’m going to pretend he said “CONGLATURATION !!!” Yuna leaps into the air with the sphere like she’s Twink scoring a Joy Pendant.