Because I can’t be allowed to focus on just one thing at a time, there’s also a new mechanic that starts during random battles in this chapter. Occasionally, along with the standard fiend line-up for the area, a little floating buttplug will also appear. The model is the same as Picket, the horny communcation probe the Gullwings encountered at the digging site. An unsuspecting player who hasn’t read through multiple strategy guides would never realize this, but we at VGR know this is yet another instance of poking the moogle in the butt. These little fuckers are recording the girls’ every move in battle, possibly to transmit it to the Fanboy Bachelor jackin’ it in his dad’s basement, but also to fuck me over in a boss battle far, far in the future. The best course of action is just to take these out with regular attacks before focusing on the other jerk enemies, but I’m sure I still managed to do something incorrectly, which of course I won’t find out until it’s way too late to fix it. This game!

So…pretty much a yeast infection.

One of the fiend types in this area is a massive black devil bird (with festive purple undersides on its wings), last seen not killing Tightass in Sanubia Desert. Apparently these flying dickheads have now migrated to the Mi’ihen Highroad, and judging by the number of times they attack my party during this footage, there must be roughly 500 of them nesting nearby. The info screen casually mentions that they can carry off a shoopuf in their nightmare talons, which, how are these not more of a concern to the general population than a few jacked-up machina? Are these some of the new, supposedly more dangerous temple fiends? How is anyone still alive around here? I realize I am asking these questions when the answer is that the enemies all received the memo to only attack Yuna’s party (unless the “plot” demands otherwise). What I am trying to say here is that I hate these fucking birds.

Oh! Oh! There’s something else I forgot while I was trying to pretend this area’s mission wasn’t all that shitty. It’s not just required for Rikku to jump down to that one hidden ledge during the mission — I also have to return to Mi’ihen (as I’m doing now) so that Shinra can drop a sphere (which he refers to as a CommSphere, more on that later) onto the ledge. If I don’t, it pretty much cancels out all that other stuff I did during the mission — at least I think it does! This is what I get for being optimistic and giving this game the benefit of the doubt. I take it back, this is all still stupid and unintuitive. Take the moogle to dinner first!

Gross, Shinra.

By now, I’m feeling like Edgeworth at a lesbian bookstore — I desperately want to leave before my dick shrivels up and falls off. Okay, that metaphor kind of fell apart at the end. Let’s just move on to Mushroom Rock Road, the next thrilling and extremely essential destination in round three of the FFX Reminiscence Tour. At least the music is different here. Shinra runs offscreen with another CommSphere in hand, while Yuna charges up to the person running back and forth in front of some machina and asks where the fiends are. This, after an hour consisting of 99% battles against fiends. Yaibal, possibly the person running around like a decapitated chicken a moment ago, informs her that the fiends have already been defeated. Someone else in this game did something! I think that counts as a plot twist. “The fiends got close to our headquarters, but thankfully no further,” Yaibal adds. WELL THANK GOODNESS. That would have been the worst tragedy. These incompetent dipsticks did not accomplish this on their own, which comes as no surprise. They had help from “the Al Bhed at Djose,” which perks Rikku right up. “So, Gippal was here?” she wonders just a little too enthusiastically, jeopardizing her relationship with Yuna and Paine. Although Gippal kind of loses points for not letting the fiends burn the Youth League to the fucking ground. In addition to preventing the deaths of tens of douchebags, the machine faction also left behind the aforementioned machina. Great, I’m sure these skilled rocket scientists will keep these ones running as smoothly as the machina that are now smoking heaps on Mi’ihen Highroad. This is how everyone is going to die, isn’t it?

“You know, he said something which still strikes me as odd,” Yaibal muses. “He told us not to depend on you so much, Lady Yuna.” He sounds totally confused as he says this, too. What could Gippal possibly mean by that?! It’s so mysterious! Naturally, this also comes as a surprise to Yuna.

…

It’s unclear whether this conversation refers specifically to the Youth League’s reliance on Yuna, or the general tendency of all Spirans to depend on her for every single thing, but I think we can all agree that Yuna’s reaction would be just as clueless either way. I know it’s the running “joke”/theme of the game that Yuna is a pushover who just wants to “help” everyone. But come on, we are in the third chapter of this. It is beyond unbelievable that Yuna would be unaware of this tendency after Paine — and now Gippal — have repeatedly pointed it out. Plus, Yuna was there for all of the many hours she served as marriage and life counselor, Hypello protector, pedophile whisperer, lesbian masseuse, entertainment coordinator, fursuited balloon dispenser, chocobo wrangler, and digging prodigy, to name a few. Fuck, she even saved up 100,000 gil just so an annoying dick didn’t have to deal with the consequences of his own bad business decisions. That is hardcore. In short, she’s starting to come across as a narcissist faking modesty, which I don’t think is what the game designers were going for here. “Oh my goodness, I didn’t realize until now how amazing and wonderful and helpful I am!”

I might be a little bit too crabby for recapping right now.

Anyway, Yaibal continues to recap his conversation with Gippal: “He said we need to rely on our own strength to defend Spira through the coming age.” Okay, now Gippal is just trolling. Before Yaibal can tell Yuna about this awesome link that Gippal sent him that will totally not lead to a JPEG of a guy stretching his asshole open, Lucil’s ass (hopefully much less stretched out) appears in the middle of the screen, as is tradition. She’s here to ask Yuna a private question, not for Yaibal’s masculine ears. The four women move away from the machina cacophony so they can chat about which erotic toy would be most appropriate as a gift for Lucil and Elma’s upcoming anniversary. It turns out I’m wrong, as Lucil wants to chat about something more disturbing. “As you are probably aware, we have not heard from Meyvn Nooj, our leader, in some time,” she begins. I’m glad she specified, as she could have been talking about the Meyvn Nooj that is not their leader. “Lady Yuna, have you no information as to his whereabouts?” I was going to bitch about Lucil not getting Gippal’s memo about doing shit for themselves until I realized that Yuna’s terrible taste in men has to be legendary around these parts. Lucil must have automatically assumed that Yuna was the most likely candidate for a secret affair with their unappealing meyvn. I’m not saying her gaydar isn’t incredibly broken on both counts, though. Yuna doesn’t pick up on any of this, and says they haven’t a clue where Nooj and his gross ponytail are hiding out. “If we see him, we’ll tell him to return here,” Yuna assures Lucil. Which is hilarious, like she’s going to find Nooj passed out in a ditch somewhere with no idea who he is. Okay, it could happen.

Of course, Sam already mentioned that Nooj and the also-missing Baralai are on a secret holiday together, indulging in sweet yet spicy FoeYay buttsex. Unlike the gullible dipshits in this game, we were not fooled by Baralai’s transparent trash talking of Nooj while skulking about in Bevelle’s secret tunnels. I’m sure Nooj also made a big deal to all his Youth League followers about how Baralai is just the worst and not sexy at all, right before he boarded a private airship headed to a Sandals resort with his “rival.” Nooj is totally gross and Baralai could do so much better, but the boner wants what the boner wants, I guess. I really don’t understand why Lesbianc and Baralai — and God knows who the fuck else — consider Nooj such an irresistible stud. He certainly doesn’t have the personality to make up for his unfortunate fashion decisions. Does he have a fancy vibrating machina penis, specially designed by Gippal, under his unflattering bodysuit? That has to be it.

OH NOOOOOOOOOOOO

To my relief, Yuna can’t visit the Youth League HQ at the moment, so the girls head down the road to Djose Temple to talk to the designer of the Mechapenis himself. I thought Mushroom Rock Road was a hotspot, but nothing happened there, so I probably just missed out on some essential tenth of a percent. No big deal. Just to make sure, I walk all the way to Djose Temple instead of taking the much more convenient hover. Along the way, Yuna even manages to catch a chocobo, which is another unintuitive yet necessary task to complete before the end of the chapter. God forbid she leave Clasko to his horrible fate of dying alone, weeping in his dark and empty chocobo dungeon. Okay, I am putting a pin in this idea — Sam and I need to describe the fates of all the players in this codependent soap opera if Yuna decided to spend her life actually hunting spheres instead of micromanaging the world. Stay tuned for these alternate endings. (Spoiler alert: Tightass will still be dead.)

At the entrance to Djose Temple, Gippal comes striding out in his usual periwinkle and fuchsia getup, ready to star as a prosecutor in the next Anal Attorney game. Ignoring Yuna, he walks up to Rikku, going, “Hey, it’s Cid’s little girl!” He then puts his hands on her forehead and gently pushes her away. What in the fuck. “I have a name,” Rikku whines, holding her hands against her forehead. I forgot this until I reread the recaps, but this is just a repeat of their exchange back in Chapter 1. I’m sure we’re all supposed to go, “How adorable! They are clearly meant to be together as they are the same race!” But it comes across more as grade school pigtail pulling or older brother/younger sister teasing, which adds really gross levels to it, especially when Rikku is standing there in a bra. Or maybe this is just how Al Bhed flirt with each other — all the incest in this game technically originates from Rikku and Brother. Are the Al Bhed like the Targaryens? Gippal flirts(?) with Rikku some more, saying they were “quite the couple” back in the day, which causes her to shove him away. “Rikku’s always good for a laugh,” Gippal smirks, like he’s just fucking with her. Rikku covers her face with her hands. What is even going on here?

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Gippal abruptly stops his possibly fake passes at Rikku to tell the Gullwings that the digging expedition is on temporary hiatus, like anyone even cares about that before Chapter 5. “Well, there were fiends here, too, right?” Rikku asks, suddenly remembering the “plot” of Chapter 3. “Want us to clean up for you?” She looks like she’s dog paddling his ass, which might be another Al Bhed mating ritual. During all of this awkwardness, Paine stands with her arms crossed a few paces away, disgruntled over having to waste her time chatting up this man. The other two giggly bimbos attempt to sell Gippal on their new service — the fiend hunting, you guys. Yuna sashays a bit and tilts her head as she practically rubs her boobs on Gippal. It’s not very effective. Gippal just gives her side-eye for a moment and then goes, “Nope.” Ha! That was awesome. I will try to remember this moment the next time some useless dickhole begs Yuna to do their laundry and chew their food for them. Gippal reiterates what he told Yaibal about self-sufficiency, adding that Yuna already defeated Sin, so the rest of them can do the heavy lifting from here, thanks. Then he kind of ruins his reasonable attitude with a snotty, “I watch my own back.” Man, someone is bitter that he didn’t get invited on that Sandals trip.

Paine finally gets sick of the excessively long parting sequence and barks, “Come on.” God, really. I have too much footage and too little patience to watch Yuna act like Lesbianc Lite here. Gippal walks back into the temple, so many thoughts about the Nooj/Baralai situation running through his mind, and Yuna “scores” an Al Bhed primer. At this exact moment, John walked by in time to hear the Djose Temple music and asked me if I was watching a porno. It’s a fair question, and the answer would probably be “Sort of.”

After that mixed bag of a scene, the girls continue down the road to the Moonflow, killing two birds with one stone by pimping unattractive attractions on the way. Also, they are literally killing birds. As soon as they reach the Moonflow proper, the background music changes to synthesized smooth jazz — in other words, more porno music. Tobli’s freight wagon is parked next to the road, with the WTF Trio jamming away on top of it, their instruments and motions in no way matching any of the sounds in this musical track. A small group of people, fewer than the ten suckers who bought tickets to the show in Chapter 2, stand around the wagon making occasional arm gestures. Shinra appears once again, mentioning that “we” can watch this thrilling show from El Celsioso if he places another CommSphere nearby. He must be referring to the Gullwing dudes because why the fuck would Yuna and the others teleport back to the airship instead of watching the show in person? Okay, I thought of a reason, but let’s not go there.

YRP check in with Tobli, who stands in the bushes behind the rest of the “crowd.” He’s flipping his lid even more than usual, since this low-key concert has not lived up to his fantasies of thousands of screaming fans and a huge cut of the profits. “But there’s no passion! No climax! No, no, no, no, no! Oh, shoopuf!” he squeals about this band of furry stereotypes playing an adult film soundtrack. He clearly is not patient enough to wait for the money shot — has he ever even watched a porno before? But seriously, this little fucker has a lot of nerve bitching about the performance when he has not done one single thing to prepare for it. Transporting supplies, selling tickets, rounding up the talent — this was all done mostly by Yuna, and somewhat by Tobli’s Hypello bitches. I mean, Jesus, Tobli didn’t even reserve a proper venue for the show — the stage is a fucking cargo wagon at a bend in the road. I know I’ve spent a lot of time in this and other recaps disrespecting the culture and speech patterns of the WTF Trio, but I am seriously mortified for them right now.

“I can’t run a show without climactic passion!” Tobli whines when Yuna talks to him a second time. He is really obsessed with climaxes and passion — does he expect jizz to shoot off the stage in every direction like one of those spinning sprinklers? I am not okay with this. Rikku is all, “Better luck next time!” as if this doesn’t involve them at all. Indeed, Tobli decides that the tiny, unsatisfied audience isn’t a result of his poor planning or marketing, it’s the lack of “celebrities” on the bill. First of all, this is quite an astounding statement of the obvious — hey, guys, maybe more people will show up to see a famous person! But also, we all see where this is going. Yuna, still dealing with brain damage caused by raging heterosexual hormones, seriously asks, “Got any celebrities in mind?”

DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!! DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my god, no.

Paine is still in control of her faculties, so she catches on quicker than her two idiot friends and orders Yuna to run. This goes pretty much exactly as it did in Chapter 1 — it’s a literal running joke — except it’s Rikku who wants to turn back this time. Not out of a neurotic compulsion to help every sad sack in Spira, but an even stronger compulsion to be an attention whore on stage. “This is our big chance!” she squeaks, as if there’s even a possibility that she’s not going to be on the sidelines for Yuna’s big concert. “It might be fun,” Yuna adds, which is such a ringing endorsement. I think we can all agree that this will not be the slightest bit fun. Paine sighs in resignation. She fought valiantly, but there’s no way this game would tease a fake Yuna concert at the beginning, give Yuna a dressphere that transforms her into a magical Mary Sue pop star, and not have her perform an actual concert as an important plot point.