Since it approaches the team from behind, all my back row characters are now in front and vice versa. Thanks to Bitch’s Psychic SOLDIER Brainwaves (known to us mere mortals as the strategy guide), he was able to anticipate this. Not only did he put the other two in the correct formation, but he equipped them with materia that would be effective against this boss. Namely, lightning magic. Again. For all the trouble the game designers have gone through in order to make the three member parties seem “natural,” they didn’t bother to tell us what the other two (Mr. T and Tita) are doing while all this boss shit is goin’ down. I’ll just have to assume that they’re doing it. If I didn’t value my sanity so much, I’d find some fanfiction to back me up.

When the boss is defeated, the party just stands in the street, looking at the sunrise. This symbolizes a new beginning. Yes, I pulled that out of my ass. Seriously, though, we’re at the point where the party could really go their separate ways if they so chose. Mr. T asks what they’ll do now that they’ve finished up the latest nagging plot point. “Sephiroth is alive. I…I have to settle the score,” Bitch announces, as if any of us have a fucking clue what created the score in the first place. I’m just going to assume that it was buttsex gone wrong. Mr. T wonders if Bitch’s little vengeance will save the Planet. “…Seems like it,” Bitch vagues. I’m left scratching my head here. So from what we learned, Sephiroth is seeking this Promised Land that might or might not exist. But the whole Planet crisis had to do with the rapid depletion of Mako, judging from Mr. T’s fit pitching. And that whole trainwreck was related to Shinra. Which Sephiroth obviously doesn’t support. So how does defeating Sephiroth save the Planet if Shinra is still around? And why did Bitch call ProtoSeifer the real crisis for the Planet if Sephiroth is? I must stop this. I’ve seen what happens to people who debate and dissect this shit on message boards, and I don’t want that to happen to me. I like having sex, damn it.

Mr. T decides to tag along with Bitch to fulfill his granola hippie yearnings. Airhead has “things [she] want[s] to find out” — namely, whether or not Bitch will do it with her. Oh, and maybe stuff about materia and Ancients, too. And Tita will be damned if she’s going to let that bitch get with Bitch, so she and the girls will join the party. Gay Lion says nothing. That’s one smart lion.

You and me both.

Everyone slides down a hanging cable to land just outside the city limits under the plate. Well, the graphics are somewhat confusing here, so I’m just making a guess. It’s more thought than the game designers ever put into it, that’s for sure. From what I can tell, that overpass just….ended right outside the city limits. Alrighty, then. Also, that is one talented lion to shimmy down that rope. Speaking of Gay Lion, he grudgingly agrees to join the party until he reaches his hometown. He’d better hope they’re going in that direction, or he’s stuck with these losers for a long time.

Bitch does a quick round of Talk To Everyone. Mr. T, who is ditching his kid wherever she might be, figures that Marlene should be safe since they told Airhead’s mom to find a safe place. Because trust is never misplaced in a video game. Whatever makes you sleep better at night, Mr. T. Bitch can choose to be nice and assuring, or a cold-hearted dickface. I’m sick and tired of being nice like I was in the first few recaps, so, I choose the latter. This makes Airhead freak out at him because she is soooooooooo worried about this girl she doesn’t know. Tita mumbles something lame about the journey. I get another choice of dialogue, so Bitch asks her if she’s sure she wants to go along, hoping she will say no. “…….Mmm. But you know, it should be all right if you keep your promise,” she squeaks. Bitch promptly vomits all over her shoes. Oh wait, that was me.

Bitch also tries to passive-aggressively discourage Airhead from joining them. That works about as well as Tidus’s wang. With all that completely nonessential dialogue out of the way, it’s time to head out into the big, wide, wanky world. “We need a group leader for our journey. ‘Course only me could be the leader,” Mr. T wanks. Everyone looks at him for a moment, then bursts into laughter. Of course Mr. T can’t be the leader — he’s black! Bunch of racists. The girls, blinded by lust, choose Bitch as their big studly party leader. Mr. T swears over his lost opportunity, then gives them a destination: a town called Kalm to the northeast, where they’ll all meet up. Everyone lets him think that he’s still in charge. He also orders them to split into two parties. His reasoning is that “we can’t have 5 people strolling down the fields.” Um….okay. For a moment, I think I would rather have no reason for a party split than a half-assed stupid reason, but then where would I get my laughs?

Obviously, I choose to leave the two women behind so they can have HOTT LEZBIAN SEX0RZ I don’t have to deal with them for a while. This goes over about as well as Tidus at a VGR convention. “…Unexpected,” Airhead begins. “…combination,” Tita finishes. “Well, have fun with just the guys,” she adds, like Bitch is just going to die if he doesn’t have female companionship for five minutes. Hello, he enjoys hot tubbing with muscle men — I don’t think he’ll have a problem here. The girls stomp off to cry and bitch about men over a tub of ice cream, and I head toward Kalm.

On the overworld map for the first time, we can see that Midgar is a huge blackened stain on the land. This is because Midgar is full of pollution and corruption. Kalm lies just outside of the crappy stuff, on a green and verdant plain near a river. You see, this is an innocent little village where the little people just try to live their little lives, unlike the big, mean, evil, polluting city. To help illustrate this concept, the Calming Town Music (get it — calm? Kalm?) plays in the background. The architecture looks sort of similar to Vinay del Sexay, and the cobblestone streets look like someone went crazy with the cloning tool in Photoshop. Which some incompetent Square intern probably did.

Mr. T and Gay Lion head straight for the inn, begging Bitch to hurry up and join in the hot gay mansex. But Bitch left his stash of sex toys back in Midgar, so he searches the quaint little village for an adult store. Sadly for Bitch, he only finds the usual selection of shops, and the item shop doesn’t have any buttplugs for sale. His next plan is to search under the stairs in random NPC houses. He finds lots of Ethers, but sadly, no anatomically correct dongs, cherry-flavored lube, or anal love beads. These townspeople are so boring.

‘Harry, are you in there?’

But those bastards sure like to talk. Bitch finds out all sorts of stuff about these folks. All of them seem to have a hard-on for Shinra and the Mako energy that makes their lives so convenient. But strangely enough, plants and animals are no longer as plentiful. Hmmm….I wonder what they’re trying to say here. The message is not quite getting across. Maybe if I talk to more NPCs, I will understand what the game designers are trying to tell me.

In a random house, someone complains about a mysterious black-cloaked man wielding a scary sword. I won’t keep you in suspense — s/he’s talking about Sephiroth. Who did manage to snag another sword somewhere, apparently. Not that swords are tough to come by in RPGs, but Bitch did make a big deal about Sephiroth’s unique sword. So either he’s like a Sephiroth Brand Swordâ„¢ pez dispenser or, since he left his good one behind, is now stuck with some rusty piece of shit one. The townsperson complains about loneliness, as the rest of the town thinks s/he’s full of chocobo shit. I can’t see why anyone wouldn’t believe him/her as s/he’s SO not irritating at all and probably doesn’t constantly rant and whine on the FF7 version of LiveJournal. Bitch gets his revenge by sneaking upstairs and stealing a gun. Which doesn’t do me any good, as I have no party members that can equip it yet. Seriously, no one in my party can use a fucking gun. It also makes a ton of sense that I can pick this weapon up now, but I couldn’t get the megaphone in the Shinra building. Assholes.

By the time I’m done talking to NPCs, I’ve learned a lot about the world. I’m just kidding, it’s just a bunch of pointless shit. I mean, wow, thanks for telling me about the existence of a city I’m going to see anyway in a couple of hours. And wow, I’m so glad you told me about events in Midgar that I fucking took part in. Jerks. I expect my NPCs to give me information about serious up and coming issues.

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So it’s back to the inn for Bitch. Unfortunately, he was unsuccessful in finding anything remotely resembling a spinning rubber phallus. Bitch hopes that the other guys will forgive him, and that they can be creative with what they do have. He steps into the room, and the apology dies on his lips as he spots the two girls there. Shit, he figured they’d have at least an hour before those two harpies showed up. “Bitch, you’re late!” Airhead nags. Mr. T gives him some hell, too, though it’s not Bitch’s fault the women arrived early. “Guess everyone’s here now,” Airhead duhs. According to Mr. T, it’s storytime — he wants to hear all that shit Bitch promised to tell him earlier about Sephiroth and the Planet and why Bitch hates Sephiroth so damn much. “Let’s hear it all,” are his famous last words.

I seem to recall a saying — “Be careful what you wish for.” This could apply to both Mr. T and myself. After all, I did complain quite a bit about not having any backstory. Silly me, I forgot to specify “exposition worked into the conversation in easily digestible chunks.” The game designers, on the other hand, figured that this backstory goal could be met by giving us a butt-ass long flashback sequence. Yes, you read that right — a butt-ass long flashback sequence. Are you done shuddering yet? Well, let me assure you that this flashback answers all our burning questions and then some.

Ha ha, gotcha!

But before I jump into this cesspool of exposition, I have to divide this longer-than-average recap up into two parts. This is the only place that makes sense to do so. And God knows, we need all the sense we can get. So head on over to Part 7 after you’ve ingested as many (hopefully legal) substances as you wish.