Dyne is convinced that there is no cure for his destructive, homicidal tendencies, so he has to kill himself. Mr. T tries to talk him out of it by bringing up Marlene, but Dyne is not taking the bait. Not only was Marlene too young at the time to remember him now, but “[his] hands are a little to stained to carry Marlene anymore…” Plus, you’d think that having a firearm for one of his hands would present a certain level of danger when holding a child. Not that it stops Mr. T.

The scene continues to drag on and on as the two men just stare at each other, their blocky body language and painted-on eyes saying a million things. Things like, “Hey, remember that time we had sex against the side of the Mako reactor?” and “Dude, I married a rabbit.” At last, Dyne chucks some pixels at Mr. T, and explains for the rest of us that the pixels are actually a pendant that belonged to Eleanor. Mr. T starts to put it on, but Dyne is all, “No, dipshit, give it to my kid.” It’s a bit of an awkward moment.

“…wow…Marlene’s…already……4……” Dyne gasps. If all the shit went down four years ago, then Dyne’s really not kidding about Marlene not remembering him. She’d probably just emerged from the womb. And with that lovely mental image, Dyne limps toward the edge of the chasm, commanding Mr. T to not be a total jackass to his daughter. The Wind of Tragedy blows mournfully in the background as Mr. T runs forward. But he’s a bit too late to prevent Dyne from throwing himself backward over the edge, his arms outspread in a heavy-handed symbolic imitation of the two cross markers next to him. Mr. T screams his name. Dyne’s name, not his own. Although that would be funny.

Now, the last time Dyne fell into a pit, he didn’t die, so if you’re like me, you’re just sitting there going, “Yeah, I’m not going to buy that trick again.” But Mr. T is just too lazy to climb down into the chasm to double-check Dyne’s condition, so instead he falls to his knees and murmurs, “…Dyne. Me an’ you were the same…” I’m glad he pointed that out for us, because I totally did not notice any similarities between the two of them. I really wish the game designers would spend less time repeating shit we already know and more time explaining things like why Corel turned into a prison surrounded by quicksand, why Dyne suddenly started shooting people after four years, how baby Marlene survived the fire, why Mr. T said that everyone died when clearly there are survivors, and why Mr. T is the one taking the blame for all the shit that went down. Et cetera.

After monologuing that he has just as much blood on his hands (hand and gun, rather) as Dyne and isn’t any better suited for carrying Marlene, Mr. T does his hand-shaking seizure thing and the camera pans dramatically upward…for the second time this recap. It kind of loses its effectiveness when they keep reusing this stuff.

A Black Screen skips right to the interior of…somewhere. A man wearing a bright green suit and yellow tie stands in a dark room amid — you guessed it — a pile of boxes. Bitch, Mr. T, and Jesus have been magically teleported there as well. The flamboyantly-dressed man is Mr. Coates, the namedropped guy from earlier that I totally ignored. When Mr. T demands to be set free, you might expect Mr. Coates to respond, “Right, like I’m just going to let you out of prison” in a sarcastic manner. Because what kind of prison just randomly paroles people at their request, especially on their first day there? That would just be silly and entirely too convenient to the plot.

Well, don’t I feel sheepish. Mr. Coates tells Mr. T that he and his friends are all free to leave as long as they get permission from “the Boss” and win a chocobo race. I am not joking. Apparently, Dyne is (or was) this mysterious Boss guy. Mr. T kind of glosses over the fact that Dyne kicked the bucket, but offers the pendant as proof that…I’m not really sure what it proves. But Mr. Coates figures out that Mr. T must have something to do with Dyne’s demise, although he doesn’t seem all that upset over the matter. “Maybe now, the place’ll calm down a little,” he comments, relieved. I doubt it, unless Dyne was directly responsible for that rape-happy dickweed outside. I was going to write a bit here about Dyne’s stint as the Boss for the last four years and whether that means he was an inmate or an employee or just a guy hanging around his fallen hometown, but I’m just too tired of this plotline. Fuck it.

When Mr. Coates starts smacktalking the deceased Dyne, Mr. T gets all up in his face to defend the guy who just tried to kill him. Understandably, Mr. Coates backs down, not wanting his gorgeous suit to get torn. Bitch realizes that this is the second scene in which his presence was totally unnecessary, so he quickly speaks up, repeating Mr. T’s question about getting the fuck out of prison. And then Mr. Coates repeats the thing about having to win a chocobo race in the Gold Saucer in order to win their freedom. That has to be the most retarded qualification for parole ever. “Yeah, that Joe guy is a real nasty child molester, but he sure can ride a chocobo. Let’s release him!” Dipshits.

Speaking of retarded rules, another is that only one person can race at a time. Mr. Coates insists that there’s no way around this gameplay limitation extremely important regulation — the entire prison system will collapse otherwise. He really says this. Does anyone ever think this shit through before they write it? For some reason Mr. T tells Bitch to go first. I might normally think that Mr. T just realized that his massive build would crush a chocobo’s dainty bones, but according to the stupid rules, he’ll have to race eventually anyway. God, I hope I don’t have to sit through every fucking character’s chocobo race. Although I would love to see how they get around the body type issues of Gay Lion and Jesus.

It appears that Bitch has more shit to organize, like finding a manager and a chocobo, but what luck! A lady named Ester, wearing a gaudy pink dress and chocobo feather headband, shows up at that exact second. Not only did she overhear the entire conversation, but she also happens to be the very best manager in the biz. How extremely convenient for Bitch that she was strolling around the prison yard with all those horny, dangerous men, just in time to step in and help him out.

Another Black Screen allows Bitch to finally tell Ester his side of the story as they ride the elevator that leads from the prison to the Gold Saucer. I bet all those parents feel safe bringing their children to the amusement park directly connected to the God damn jail. Even though it’s completely naive of me, I still keep hoping that there’s some point where the ridiculous details will kind of level off and stop piling up on one another. It would be nice to not have to stop and nitpick an asinine plot point every two seconds — then the recap could be ten pages in Word instead of fifty billion.

Ester promises to fill Dio in on the details, meaning that she could probably get the entire party released without forcing them to go through with this farce. But then I would miss out on the extremely fun experience of chocobo racing in Final Fantasy VII. God knows I won’t be doing enough of that later. All of you who’ve played this game before know what I’m talking about — if I’m guessing correctly, you all just experienced a sudden pang of nausea and dread.

The elevator ride lasts long enough for Ester to give Bitch the controller-based instructions on riding a chocobo, which I will gladly skip. She also makes sure to tell him that not all chocobo jockeys are sexual predators and psychopaths — some are in it for the money, glory, and fame. Because riding around on an oversized chicken is such an impressive thing.

When Bitch enters the jockey chamber, the background music immediately changes to the Hoedown version of the Chocobo Theme that will be forcibly jackhammered into my skull throughout this entire sequence. I’m too sober to deal with this right now. A group of jockeys sit around a table, playing cards, while another guy stands in the corner, leaning against something I can’t quite make out. This guy, who is dressed in white pants, a red jacket, and what seems to be a black sombrero, addresses Bitch before he’s even two feet into the room. Bitch doesn’t even get a chance to respond before Ester enters the chamber and greets the guy: “Hi, Joe.”

Oh crap, I had totally forgotten that there was a guy named Joe in here when I made up my little child molester example. Guess who just got a new backstory? Ester introduces Joe as a top chocobo jockey, leaving out his other…accomplishments. She introduces Bitch as a real up-and-comer (hee). “He’s only been down here for a day and already he made it up here!!” she squeals, like this whole setup has anything to do with Bitch’s racing talent. Or whatever usually gets inmates picked for the chocobo racing circuit. Conveniently, Dyne is dead, so we’ll never know.

Molester Joe seems to find this news of great interest, and starts to ask Bitch about his crimes before catching himself. “Sorry…you’re not supposed to ask about the past here…” he says pointedly, like we don’t already know about him. Assuring Bitch that they’ll meet again someday — I can hardly wait — Joe strolls slowly offscreen. At this point, Bitch is left to his own devices, allowing him to pick up the gleaming Ramuh summon materia over in the corner. Suckers. The unobservant chocobo jockeys are too absorbed in their card games and upcoming race to bother conversing with Bitch. But that’s okay, because the race is about to start. Get ready for some action!

The race consists of six pastel-colored chocobos running along a scenic track whose decor hovers somewhere between “gay” and “drug trip,” much like the rest of the Gold Saucer. A shiny rainbow tube, a moogle forest, an underwater scene, and an outer space simulation are just some of the many delights. I won’t embarrass myself by admitting how many hours of my life have been spent on this inane minigame, but let’s just say that I should by all rights be able to win this freaking race in my sleep. Of course that means that I forget everything I learned ten years ago and lose pathetically. The victory theme, played in a minor key, mocks my defeat.

If there was anything resembling plot coherency in this game (I know), Bitch would have used up his chance for freedom and he’d immediately be sent back downstairs. I realize that no one explicitly said that he only gets one try, but come on — how is there any sort of point or urgency to the chocobo racing thing if the prisoners get as many tries as they want? It shouldn’t be any surprise to you that that’s exactly what happens. Ester’s all, “Well, shit, I’ll just go get you a better chocobo!” Yes, it was clearly the chocobo’s fault. Also, Ester clearly wants to fuck Bitch. That’s the only way this retry option makes any sense. I bet Bitch is just thrilled to add another chick to his list of stalkers.

This time, Bitch manages to refrain from fucking up the race. No, I’m not going to give him credit for this one. It was all me. I won the damn race. That doesn’t stop Bitch from jumping up and down on the chocobo’s back like it’s a trampoline. They don’t show the part where he breaks its spine and Ester has to find yet another bird for him.

Back in the jockey room, Ester squees all over Bitch before handing him a letter from Dio. The main part of the letter reads: “I heard about Dyne from Ester. Now that you are victorious, I promise that you and all your friends will get a full pardon, and you all will be set free.” So wait — Bitch and his friends are all innocent and Dio knows that, but Bitch still had to win a race to earn the pardon? In what universe is that fair or logical? Still, despite being an unfair, illogical butthole, Dio feels bad for his actions and gives Bitch a “buggy” as an apology gift. I hope to hell it’s not a baby buggy, because that would be the worst thing in the world.

Recapping this bizarre, nonsensical trainwreck has really done a number on both my nerves and blood pressure, but the last part of Dio’s letter…well, it doesn’t make the experience worth it, but it is f’ing hilarious. “P.S. I just recently met Sephiroth,” he writes, apparently forgetting that he already told Bitch this. “He must have a lot of fans with boys your age.” Good lord, I think that might be the understatement of the year. Dio even gives Bitch some newly-remembered information about Sephiroth’s next location (South of the river, towards Gongaga) so that Bitch can go get his autograph. So that’s what they’re calling it these days. I think I know what he’ll be using as a pen.

A quick goodbye from Ester launches Bitch back to the world map, where it becomes clear that the buggy is some sort of red vehicle and not something horrible. Now Bitch can cross deserts and shallow rivers, enabling him to get the fuck out of dodge without having to retrace his steps back to the jerky North Corel survivors. Yay!

And that’s where I’ll be ending this, for my own well-being. Next time, the party will follow Sephiroth all over creation (again) and learn more tragic character backstory (again). You can hardly wait!